Love and Marriage

Chapter Twenty-Seven

She could see the question displayed on his face but, true to his word, he wasn't asking the question that was burning inside him. She was very appreciative of that. "You're probably thinking, 'why does being pregnant scare her so much?' right?"

He nodded his head. He knew that the miscarriage had something to do with it, but he was pretty sure that there was more to this story than just that.

"You've never experienced being pregnant so I don't expect you to understand completely, but let me try to explain this to you so that maybe you can understand better. Being pregnant and carrying a child is hard work and extremely stressful. Everything you do, eat, drink, and everything you surround yourself with has an impact on your child—who depends solely on you to protect and nurture it. When I was pregnant with Claire I was a nervous wreck. You remember that, right?"

He did remember that. She was always stressed out and the doctors had to tell her more than once to calm down. She was always busy and it seemed like she couldn't sit still for long. He just attributed that to the fact that she was nervous about being a mother since it was her first pregnancy. Maybe he shouldn't have written it off as something that would eventually pass on its' own.

"That's because that wasn't my first pregnancy."

His head shot up at that statement. What did she mean by that? It wasn't her first pregnancy? She hadn't ever told him about having another child. What kinds of secrets was she keeping from him?

"I told you about my past marriage when I was eighteen and how it only lasted about a month and a half, remember?" Once she saw him shake his head, she continued on with her story. "I told you that the reason it didn't work out was because we were too different and that was true. But the reason Jake and I got married in the first place was because I was pregnant and the main reason why we got divorced was because I had a miscarriage."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing and he couldn't believe that she had kept this a secret from him for so long. This meant that she has had to endure two miscarriages. In his mind it was a miracle that she wasn't completely broken because of that. But maybe she was and he just hadn't noticed.

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying really hard to stay calm and not break down into tears. "It was a car accident. A drunk driver slammed into the car one night. Jake and I only got married because of the baby so after the baby was gone we divorced and went our separate ways. Even if the baby had lived we still wouldn't have been a real family and our marriage would've still ended in divorce. We just weren't compatible. I came to New York to work on my career and I don't know where he went. But that's the other main reason why I didn't want a family. I didn't want to hope for something that was just going to ripped away from me."

A stray tear fell down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "When I was pregnant with Claire I would constantly have these dreams where she was taken away from us. It overshadowed everything I did, every moment of every day. So I kept busy to try and distract myself from the fear. Never sat in the same place for very long and always kept my mind working on something else—anything else."

He watched her tough exterior start to crumble before his eyes and wondered how he could've ever been so blind not to notice or figure out the extent of her fears. At the time he had just chalked it up to normal first-time parent fear but now he could see that it wasn't normal at all. He would've found a way to help her if only he'd known just how scared she had been.

"Once Claire was born and I saw that she as ok, I was just so happy and relieved. It was like I could breathe again. I could really breathe without that knot in my stomach and a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt inner peace again."

"Then when I got pregnant after Claire the anxiety and the panic came back, but it was much worse." The tears were building up behind her eyes and she wasn't sure how much longer she could keep them in. "I…" Her voice started to waiver. "I barely survived carrying Claire without having a nervous breakdown. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to get through another nine months. And then…"

Martin watched her falling apart and started getting up from his seat on the couch. By the time he reached her, the tears had started cascading down her face, flooding her eyes.

"And then I miscarried again." She whispered.

He wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her close to him and rubbing small circles on her back. "Shh, it's ok."

"No it's not." She sobbed. "I let it happen again. I failed! I failed twice."

He led her back to the couch and sat her down before sitting down next to her and holding her close again. She was still crying and sobbing, drenching his shirt. But he didn't care about that. The only thing he cared about was making sure that Sam was ok. He felt absolutely horrible for the way he had acted about the baby issue. All he was thinking about was himself. Maybe if he hadn't been so focused on what he wanted he would have noticed that Sam was hiding this from him.

"Sam, sometimes miscarriages happen." He was at a loss of what to say to her and wondered if there was anything that he could say to her that would help.

"Martin, it's happened twice!" She exclaimed.

"I know, but…" He let his statement trail off, knowing that he didn't have the right answers to help her. The last thing he wanted to do was upset her even further so he just held her closer to himself and rubbed her back. That always used to work before. Hopefully it still would.

She tried to calm herself down. She hadn't intended on breaking down like this. The only consolation she felt was that Martin was doing everything that he could do to help comfort her. It meant a lot to her that he was supporting her.

They sat there together for what seemed like hours with Martin holding her close as she slowly stopped crying. He was at a loss of what to do for her and finally decided that the only thing he could do is be there for her. He'd been blind to her pain for too long. Now he needed to help her deal with it.

She released a sniffle, one of the few remnants of her crying spell. Although she hadn't wanted to, breaking down like that had actually helped her quite a bit. It had been years since she'd cried for the child she lost when she was eighteen, and she hadn't let herself fully grieve for the child she lost with Martin. Crying, talking and letting everything out was a nice release for her and she felt stronger. She also felt happy that Martin was supporting her. She tightened her hold on him, almost as if she was afraid to lose him if she let go.

He could tell that her crying had died down and she was starting to relax again. When she grabbed a hold of him and tightened her grip he responded by kissing the top of her head.

"I'm sorry about the crying." She whispered.

"Don't be." He whispered back. "I have a feeling that you needed to let it all out. I'm the one that should be sorry. I didn't notice that you were going through so much and I pushed you…"

"It's not your fault Martin. We both know that I'm very good at keeping secrets." She interrupted.

"Still…I should've been able to see the signs better. I'm supposed to be the one person that knows you better than anyone and I couldn't see what was right in front of me."

"You've had your own issues to deal with." She reminded him.

"But none as serious as yours." He pointed out.

She pulled away so that he could see her face as she smiled. "Can we please not argue over whose problems are more serious and just say it's a draw?" She laughed.

He was really glad to see her smile again and nodded his head. "Deal."

"Thanks for being there for me." She looked straight into his eyes.

"I'll always be there for you." He promised. "I hope you know that."

"I do." She nodded.

"Actually I should thank you for opening up to me." He was glad that she was finally opening up her feelings to him and he now understood why she was so hesitant about children. He would have been the same way in her position. "I know it wasn't easy for you but I think we've made some progress here."

"I hope so." She raised her eyebrow and a silly grin appeared on her face. "I'd hate to think that I soaked your shirt with my tears for nothing."

"Trust me, I didn't mind." He moved in closer, placing a gentle kiss on her lips.