Coding: Terry/Ramani
Spoilers: 375 (Christmas episode)
A/N: The characters don't belong to me, if they did – they would've gotten their act together a long time ago!
Restless
By Socket
Terry lies awake, the alcohol in his system does nothing to numb the pain… and he's sure he can smell Jasmine, he thinks of Ramani and smiles.
She's always there, even when he gives her reason to flee. She's his conscience and she's asleep upstairs, dreaming… he wonders what she dreams of… or maybe she's lying awake, like him. Maybe she's thinking of him, wishing he hadn't let go of her hand, wishing that when he'd stroked her cheek, he had leaned in and gently kissed her instead of letting her walk away.
Terry closes his eyes and sighs, then rubs his face with his hands… he can't be thinking about her in that way… everything is such a mess, she's the only good thing in his life and he doesn't want to screw that up too.
He pictures Ramani curled-up in bed… does she sleep on one side of the bed or in the middle? Does she snore? Does she move about in her sleep or is she calm and as still as she is when awake? He has an urge to walk up the stairs, open the door to her bedroom and watch her sleep. He imagines stepping quietly into her room, closing the door behind him and standing beside her… he imagines reaching out his hand and stroking her hair, then running his fingers along the nape of her neck, feeling her skin, warm and inviting against his…
Terry wonders what she'd do if he did enter her room, how would she react if he drew back her bedcovers and slipped in beside her… would she withdraw from him, shocked and appalled? Would she yell at him? Or was she lying up there, even now, secretly wanting him to come into her bedroom, silently willing him to follow her, to declare his feelings for her, to hold her and promise not to let go.
Maybe she was up there thinking about how he'd react if she came downstairs and climbed in beside him… maybe she was restless too, unable to sleep, haunted by the same thoughts as him…
The problem is not that he loves Ramani, but that he doesn't know how to express it.
And now he's left it too long, they had a chance before the chaos with Lucy started and now that things with Lucy are at an end, Ramani is no longer willing to take a risk… he can tell, her eyes tell him so… that's why she's making dates with Saul - she's moved on from their almost-but-not-quite to-and-froing. He had been stupid, had let her slip through his fingers and now, as he lies on her lumpy sofa, dreaming of what it would be like to touch her, she was probably fast asleep, dreaming of Saul.
Terry wants to cry but holds it in; he has no one to blame but himself. He consoles himself that she's still his friend and even if that's all they'll ever be, that means more to him than anything else.
The End