Love and Marriage

Chapter Forty-Two

"So…" Sam broke the silence that had fallen between them. Both of them were done reading the letters and they had been thinking about the content. She didn't know what else to say to him that she hadn't told him many times before.

"Yeah…" He stated, staring at the letter in his hands. He didn't know what to say to her anymore. He was so tired of feeling this way. One minute they are fighting, then they are getting back on the road to happiness only to be derailed again and go back to fighting. It was wearing him out and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. It never seemed to end—this whole job problem was only the latest in a whole bunch of problems they had.

"What are we going to do?" She asked quietly.

"I don't know." He whispered back.

"You still don't want to move, do you?" She knew the answer would be no and wasn't sure why she bothered asking, but she did anyway.

"Not really." He replied honestly. "And you don't want stay, do you?"

"Not really." She answered honestly.

He knew that. "And you don't want children."

"Not right now." She told him. "Maybe some other time when…."

"Sam, save it." He cut her off, finally looking over at her. "I don't think that you really have any intention of having more children."

She stared at him with an expression of both wonder and anger. "Do you think I'm trying to string you along or something?"

"It's possible." He sighed. "I don't know, but you could just be dangling a future child in front of me so that I'll stop harping on it."

"That's not what I'm doing." She shook her head. "How can you think that I would do something like that to you? That would be cruel. I truly want to have another child, but not right now. It still scares too much."

"Well the point is that we can't seem to agree on any of the big decisions." He pointed out, listing them on his hand. "Children, jobs, where to live, what we need in order to be happy…"

She knew that he was right about that. They couldn't agree on the major issues that married people had to face. What did that say about them? "So where does that leave us?"

"No clue." He shrugged. "I guess we just want different things out of life."

The resigned look in his eyes and the things he was saying were starting to worry her. "Martin, what are trying to say here?"

He sighed, not sure he wanted to say this but feeling like he had to. He didn't want to stand in the way of her happiness and he was beginning to think that she would never be happy as long as she was stuck here with a crummy job. "I want you to be happy."

"Yeah, I know." She nodded. "You said that in your letter."

"I don't think you're going to happy if you stay here." He pointed out. "I think part of the reason that we've had so many problems is because you're not happy with your job. Your job is a major part of your life; it's part of your identity. But it was taken away from you when we got married and I think that has been an underlying cause of some of our problems."

"That's what Leslie thinks too." Sam told him.

"I can't move with you." He added. "Because my job is a part of my identity too. I could switch jobs with you because at least then I would still be a part of the FBI, but I can't give up my job completely."

"But you can get a new job in Houston." She countered.

"Maybe. Maybe a new job would open up within a week, maybe two, or maybe it would be a year. Who knows how long it would take." He pointed out.

She thought about what he was saying and knew that he was right. It could take a while for another job at his level opened up and his job was a part of his identity, just as hers was. But that observation still didn't help them with solving this problem. "So what are we going to do?"

He was silent for a moment, considering the words that he was about to say. There would be no going back once he said them, and she would probably resist at first. But it's what he thought she should do. "I think you should take the job and move to Houston."

She was surprised by his answer and didn't understand. "But you just said that you couldn't move with me."

"I know." He couldn't look at her while he said this so he turned his attention to the letter that was still in his hands, nervously folding the ends.

It took her a moment to realize what he was saying. When she figured it out, she felt like he had hit her in the gut with a lead pipe. "You…" Her voice started becoming shaky so she waited a moment before continuing. "You want me to go alone? Without you?"

He didn't want her to go. That was the last thing he wanted, but at the same time he didn't want her to stay at a job that she hated, working with people she disliked. He could easily envision her eventually despising him so much for not letting her take the job in Houston that their marriage would disintegrate anyway. Besides, for the most part they weren't making each other happy anymore. She said in her letter that she needed a change and that she needed to get out of New York. Maybe leaving would finally make her happy. "I think it would make you happier."

"You think I'll be happier without you?" She questioned, closing her eyes to keep from crying. "I think this is the worst idea you've ever had."

He was tired and didn't feel like fighting about this right now. He was right about this. It wasn't something that he wanted to do, but he had to make her pursue that job in Houston. She'd resent him too much if he stood in her way and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He wanted her to be happy and she really seemed to want this job. He shifted around in the bed so that he was now laying on his side with his back to her. "I'm tired. Can't we talk about this tomorrow?"

"No we can't." Sam objected. "This is important. I want to know why you're so gung-ho about pushing me out the door!"

"Goodnight Sam." Martin told her as he closed his eyes.

She couldn't believe that he would spring that on her and then go to sleep. Why did he want her to leave? Was he really that tired of the drama and fighting that he was ready to give up on their marriage? Did he just not love her anymore?

She wanted to shake him and make him tell her why he wanted her to leave. She wanted to know if he loved her and she wanted to make him tell her that it was just a cruel joke and that he didn't mean it when he said that he wanted her to move to Houston alone. She wanted to hear him tell her that he loved her. But that wasn't going to happen tonight. She reached over and turned out her light, pulling the covers up tightly underneath her chin and letting the tears flow down her cheeks. He was pulling away from her; she could feel it and she felt powerless to stop it.