Love and Marriage

Chapter Forty-Three

Martin had just returned from lunch with Danny when his leg started throbbing again. He knew it would take time for his leg to heal completely, but this constant pain was beginning to wear him down. His leg wasn't the only thing causing him pain though. This whole situation with Sam and the job in Houston was hurting him emotionally. He reached into his jacket and pulled out the bottle of pain medication, quickly popping two pills into his mouth and hoping that no one was looking. He didn't want to admit that he was having problems with his leg to anyone. After swallowing a large glass of water to help the pills go down smoothly, he went back to cross-referencing phone records for their latest case.

Sam stepped off the elevator and stood a few feet away from Martin's desk. His back was to her so he didn't know that she was watching. She still couldn't believe that he had suggested she move to Houston by herself. It was unexpected and made her question a lot of things that she had previously believed.

She thought that they had agreed to make their marriage work, that they loved each other enough to fight and preserve their marriage. Apparently though, he didn't want that anymore. They were on very thin ice right now, skating into a territory where if they made one more wrong move their marriage would slip through the cracks and forever be lost. She shook herself out of her reverie and walked over to his desk, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "Hey."

"Hey." He gave her a small smile before going back to work. It wasn't that he didn't like seeing her, but why did she have to come by now? She most likely wanted to talk about what he had suggested last night and he wasn't sure that the office was the right place to have that discussion.

She leaned up against the side of his desk, crossing her arms and watching him work. "I'm gonna head out to Claire's school soon. I volunteered to help out with her class' end of the year party. But before I left I wanted to see if we were still on for that movie date tonight."

"Oh yeah." He had almost forgotten about that. "It's Friday, isn't it?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "So are we still on for that?"

"Sure." He shrugged.

It wasn't a very encouraging answer and wasn't what she was looking for.

"Is that all you wanted?" He asked. "Cause I'm kind of busy right now."

She sighed. "We still need to talk about what you suggested last night. This problem isn't going to just disappear and we're not going to get a chance to talk about it tonight because of Claire's friend sleeping over…"

"Now's not the best time though." He replied, keeping his gaze on the computer screen instead of her.

"We can't keep dancing around what happened last night." She pointed out. "We need to talk about what you said."

He knew that she was right and he knew that she would only keep bugging him about it until he gave in. They might as well have that talk right now. "Ok." He resigned. "Let's talk about it, but let's go to the balcony first."

"Fine." She followed him out onto the balcony and wondered what to say now.

They stood only a few feet away from each other and their eyes were locked in a staring contest that neither of them wanted to lose. "Are we going to talk or just stare at each other all afternoon?" He asked with a chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood any way he could.

She didn't find that funny and reluctantly broke her stare, looking at the ground. "Why are you so eager to get rid of me?"

He moved to lean against the railing, turning his back to her and looking out at the skyline. "I'm not eager to get rid of you. Watching you leave would be the hardest thing I'd ever do, but I think it's what you need to be happy."

Within a few seconds, she moved to stand next to him. "How am I supposed to be happy when my family is so far away from me?"

"Sam, we want different things out of life. Last night we agreed about the fact that we can't agree on major life decisions." He pointed out.

"So that's it? You just want to give up?" She asked, starting to get angry. "What happened to 'I love you and I'll never let you go'? I thought we were in this marriage forever. I thought that we were committed to each other and finding a way to make this marriage work. But now all of a sudden you want me to leave?" Tears started to well up in her eyes and she pinched the bridge of her nose.

"I don't want you to leave." He tried to reassure her. "I just think that maybe it's best."

"Are you trying to test me or something?" She finally asked the question that had been burning inside ever since last night. "Is this like the first time you broke up with me? Am I not fighting hard enough? Do you want me to fight harder for us?"

"No." He shook his head. "I didn't think it should be a fight then and I don't think it should be a fight now."

"Why not?" She exclaimed. "Why shouldn't we fight for us? For our marriage? What have I done to make you want out of this marriage? Is it the children issue? Is that the reason? Because if it is, fine! We'll have another child. We can go find a utility closet and get started on that right away."

He frowned and sighed. "Sam, you don't mean that. You've said it many times and even wrote it in your letter that you don't want another child right now."

"For the last time, it's not that I don't want one!" She yelled. "I'm scared of losing another child. I'm not sure I could handle losing another one." Taking a deep breath to calm herself down, she lowered her voice. "But I'm not sure I could handle losing you either."

He reached over and brushed a piece of her hair that the wind blew into her face back behind her ear and gently caressed her cheek. "I'm sorry. I do love you Sam. I love you more than you'll probably ever know and I don't want to let you go. I just don't know how we're supposed to solve our problems."

"So you just want to send me off on the first plane out of here and hope that takes care of everything?" She cried, shrinking away from his touch. "That won't solve anything! Haven't you heard a word that Leslie has said to us? Obviously not because, if you had, you wouldn't want me to just leave and give up. But what if I don't want to go without you? What about that? Did you even think about that?"

"You'll be happier." He pointed out. "You won't have to deal with our fighting or my constant push for having more children. You'll be free of the drama and the conflict—we both will be free."

"You want to be free." She was finally starting to understand. "That's what this is really about." He'd reached his breaking point with her. Somehow she always knew that this day would come—the day when he would finally feel like he had put up with enough of her drama and would decide to give up on her. It looked like that time had come. If she wanted to be truthful to herself, she would admit that he had held on longer than she thought he would.

"I think maybe we need some time apart. We both have individual issues that we need to work on. Maybe this job in Houston is a blessing is disguise."

"A blessing?" She chuckled sardonically. "How is this damn job a blessing? I don't want to leave you."

"I don't want you to leave either, but I really believe that a break is the best thing for us."

She wasn't entirely sure she wanted to know the answer to this question but asked it anyway out of sheer curiosity. "Is this a break or the end?"

"I don't know." He told her honestly. He hoped it wasn't the end. He hoped that this would just be a break. He hoped that they could use this time apart to work on their individual issues and then find a way to get back together. But he couldn't promise her anything.

"I see." Fresh tears started to fall, even though she was trying desperately to hold them back. "And you expect me to just walk out on our marriage?"

"Can't you see it from my perspective?" He asked. "We're placed in a situation where no matter what choice we make, someone's going to be unhappy. This way…"

"This way you get to throw up your hands and say 'Hey I tried but I can't be bothered to fix this.'" She interrupted, rolling her eyes.

He couldn't stand to see her cry and tried to give her a hug for comfort, but she backed up farther away from him. He took more steps towards her but she kept backing up, only stopping when she found herself up against the wall. "Sam…"

"No, it's ok." She shook her head. "You want to be happy, and you deserve that. You've always deserved to be happy."

"I love you." He told her, taking her hands in his.

"And I love you." She told him, leaning in to give him a kiss. It was a raw kiss, full of wanting and a need to feel connected. "Why isn't that enough?"

"I don't know." He shook his head. "I wish it was enough, but…"

"It's not." She finished for him. "I…uh, I have to go." She couldn't be late for Claire's school party. Although she still had plenty of time before she was supposed to be there, she needed to leave before she turned into a complete mess. Now wasn't the best time for her to fall apart and she needed to pull herself together before the party.

She pushed herself away from him and quickly dried the tears off of her face before heading back inside. She had to get to her car before she broke down; she couldn't fall apart while under the prying eyes of the office.

"Hey Sam." Danny greeted when he saw her come from the balcony, but she whizzed past him without acknowledging him. He saw Martin come inside and frowned when he saw the look of pain and hurt on his friend's face. "What's up with Sam? She just completely ignored me."

"It's nothing you did." Martin assured his friend.

"Then what's going on?" Danny asked. "You guys ok?"

"No." Martin shook his head. "I don't think we are." He didn't elaborate any further as he walked back to his desk to start working again.