Love and Marriage
Chapter Sixty-Seven

"So how are you doing?" Leslie asked Martin when he came in for his first therapy session since Samantha and Claire moved to Houston. It still broke her heart that they had actually left. She had hoped that she could help fix this couple and help them make a fresh start, but it was partially out of her hands now. All she could do now was help Martin and hope for the best.

"I'm miserable." Martin grumbled. It had been almost a week since Sam and Claire left and he still wasn't getting used to it.

"Care to be more specific?" Leslie asked.

He sighed, getting ready to list what was wrong with him. "I can't sleep, my appetite is completely gone, I can't concentrate very well, and I just feel miserable."

"I see." She really felt bad for him. He obviously wasn't taking this very well. "Have you told Samantha about this?"

"No." He shook his head. "I don't want to upset her and I know that it would upset her if she knew I wasn't handling this break very well. She has her new job, Claire, and all the added pressures of getting settled in a new place to deal with. She doesn't need to be bothered with my problems."

"I think you're wrong. I think Samantha needs to know what you're going through." Leslie disagreed. "It's entirely possible that she is feeling the same way you are, only maybe she doesn't want to be the first one to admit it."

"Or she could be doing great without me." Martin added.

"That's what this is really about though, isn't it?" Leslie asked. "You have it in your head that Samantha doesn't need you. For some reason on some level, you think that she would be better off without you—at least that's the impression I've gotten after talking to you about it. Am I correct?"

"Well, yeah." He admitted. "There are definitely times when I look at her and think that she doesn't need me, but that's when she is shutting me out of her life."

"Does she do that often?" Leslie asked.

"She did it the other night." Martin explained. "We were talking on the phone. Actually she was the one who called me. I think she wanted or needed something from me but I didn't know what it was. She wouldn't tell me. Something wasn't right with her. I don't know if she was just having a bad day or whether something had happened that upset her, but she wouldn't talk to me about it."

"And that makes you think that she doesn't need you?" Leslie was trying to understand his logic.

"Yeah. She wouldn't tell me what was bothering her."

"But she was the one who called you?" Leslie asked. "She was the one who reached out?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "So?"

"Is it possible that maybe she didn't know how to tell you whatever was bothering her? Maybe she wasn't ready to talk about what was bothering her but still wanted to talk to you anyway. Maybe she just needed to hear your voice and that's why she called."

"That's possible." Martin nodded. She could just be trying to think of a way to say whatever was bothering her and maybe she just missed him so badly that she just wanted to hear his voice. He's been going through the same thing and often thought about calling her just to hear her voice.

"I think you should let Samantha be the one to come to you with whatever may be troubling her. Give her some space and time but let her know that she can talk to you about anything. I think that might help." Leslie advised.

"I'll try anything you say," Martin chuckled, "because you're always right."

"So Dr. Hester, what do you want me to talk about?" Sam asked as she sat on the couch of her new therapist. Leslie had an old colleague that had recently moved to the Houston area and had put her in touch with them so that she could continue to get therapy after she moved. So here she was, sitting in Dr. Jacqueline Hester's office, unsure of what to talk about. She didn't want to have to start over explaining all of her problems to this new therapist, but she would if she had to.

"Samantha, please call me Jackie. And I have reviewed all of Leslie's notes and the tapes of your previous sessions. I'm completely caught up with everything so you can feel free to bring up whatever topic you want." Dr. Hester told her.

"Well then I guess I should start by saying that I just found out that I'm pregnant." Sam replied.

"Pregnant?" Jackie knew from Leslie's notes that children were a major issue for Samantha and her husband. She had read all about the previous miscarriages that Samantha had endured and knew all about her anxieties regarding being pregnant. "How are you dealing with that?"

"I don't think I am dealing with it." Sam admitted. She looked down at her hands, which were clasped together tightly. "I'm scared and I don't know what to do."

"What to do about what exactly?" Jackie asked.

"I don't know how or when to tell Martin." Sam explained. "If I tell him now, there will be no stopping him. He will be on the first flight down here and then this break that we've agreed to will be over."

"Do you think that would be a bad thing?" Jackie asked. She had remembered a part of Leslie's notes that explained how Martin and Samantha were taking a break until Martin got a job here in Houston.

"Yes, in a way I do. I think that we've already committed to having a break. We've already agreed to spend some time apart and figure out our own problems before trying to save our marriage. But if I tell him, that won't happen. We'll be in the same position as we have been, only with another child on the way." She paused for a moment before continuing. "Besides, what if something happens? What if I lose this baby too? Then we'd both be devastated and I don't want to put him through that again."

Jackie simply listened intently as Samantha rambled on. When it looked like Samantha was done talking, Jackie decided to give her opinion. "It seems like you have thought this out a lot."

"I have." Sam nodded.

"It's very considerate of you to think about Martin's feelings and the fact that you are wanting to spare him from heartache is a true testament to your feelings for him." Jackie paused. She had found that it was always helpful to start off praising her client before telling him/her what their problem was. It helped to soften the blow. "With that being said though, you seem to be focusing on the negative and assuming that something bad will happen to this baby."

"Given my past record…" She tried to explain.

"I will grant you that your record does indicate that bad things have happened to you in the past; however, it's not physically or emotionally healthy for you to be dwelling on all of the bad things that could happen." Jackie continued. "It seems to me that, because of your past experiences, you are more prone to believe that only bad things will happen. Is that correct?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Sam nodded hesitantly.

"I think it would help you if you tried to focus more on the positive things that have happened in your life." Jackie told her. "For example, your daughter. Claire is a wonderful example of something positive in your life. Now I want you to tell me another thing in your life that is positive and good."

"Well, my new job is great and I really like my new co-workers." Sam replied after thinking about it for a moment.

"That's good." Jackie praised. "Anything else?"

She thought about it for another moment. "Our new house is great and our neighbors seem nice."

"That's good too." Jackie smiled. "So it seems that since the move from New York, everything has been going well for you."

"Yes it has." Sam nodded. "Almost too well."

"And that is one of the reasons why you are so set on thinking about what could go wrong instead of rejoicing about the things that are going well."

"I'm just scared." Sam admitted softly.

"What exactly scares you right now?" Jackie asked.

"I'm scared of telling Martin about this baby." She explained. "I know that he'll be thrilled so it's not because of that. I just…if I tell him then its' really happening. As long as he doesn't know about it, then I can breathe easier."

"Breathe easier?" Jackie questioned.

She decided to elaborate on her statement. "The whole children issue is a very hot topic for us—always has been. We've had a lot of fights and problems over the issue and I can't help but think that we'd end up having some of the same fights about children once I tell him about this baby. During the last pregnancy he accused me of not wanting that child and it hurt me a lot. I don't want to go through that again. It's a stressor that I don't need right now."

"So you're afraid that history will repeat itself and he'll say some of the same things to you again?" Jackie asked, trying to get a deeper understanding.

"Exactly." Sam nodded. "I know it's probably an irrational fear. We've been getting along a lot better lately, but I still think that telling him would lead to more stress right now. He'd want to come live here immediately and I don't know if that's such a good idea right now."

"You do realize that you will have to tell him eventually, right?"

"Of course." Sam replied. "I was just thinking that maybe I could tell him in a few weeks. You know, wait until I'm out of my first trimester because the first trimester is the hardest for me. If I wait to tell him until then it will be better. The probability of me having a miscarriage will be lower, we will still have had our little break, and there will be no chance that we'll fight about this."

"It seems like a good idea," Jackie nodded, "but your logic is flawed."

"How so?" Sam asked, not understanding how her logic was flawed.

"What do you think Martin's reaction will be once he finds out that you're pregnant and that you've kept the news from him for so long?" Jackie asked.

"He'll be angry and possibly hurt." Sam replied. "But in the end I don't think it will matter to him."

"I must warn you that I don't agree with your plan of keeping Martin in the dark about this pregnancy. I see many ways that this could blow up in your face. I think you need to take some more time and think about whether or not you really want to do this. What you're essentially doing by not telling Martin is keeping him in the dark about a major life event that is going to affect him in many ways. You're isolating him. Is that what you really want to do?"

"No." Sam hadn't thought about it like that, but Jackie was right. If she kept this from him he might take it the wrong way. She knew that he was already feeling insecure about how much she loved him and about their relationship. Keeping this a secret might push him over the edge. But what were her other options? Telling him would only make things more complicated.

"During our next session I would like to continue this conversation." Jackie told her.

"I think that's a good idea." Sam nodded. Jackie was definitely different than Leslie in some ways, but they were both good at their profession. She could already tell that Jackie would be able to help her. "But thanks. You've given me a lot to think about."

"I'll see you at our next session then." Jackie smiled at her.

"Yes." Sam smiled back before getting up to leave. "Bye." As she left Jackie's office and headed back to work, she couldn't help but wonder what she was going to do. Should she tell Martin now or take her chances and wait until later?