Love and Marriage

Chapter Sixty-Nine

The rain continued to pour outside as Sam looked out the window of the office. It was a dreary Monday afternoon and matched the dreary mood she found herself in. Her morning sickness was coming to her at all times of the day and she was in a melancholy mood. She'd been thinking about what Jackie had said to her concerning when she told Martin about the baby. Jackie made some very valid points.

Martin probably wouldn't be very happy if she kept this from him. He would most likely see it as further evidence that she wants to push her away and shut him out of her life. He was already insecure enough as it was. This might push him off the edge.

Of course, she also had to think about herself and her well being too now. She still wasn't fully used to the idea of being pregnant again and found she having a lot of moments where she would start to panic.

"I hate rain." Olivia commented as she walked over to stand by Samantha.

Olivia's voice brought her out of her reverie and she turned her head towards her. "I do too. It's so…depressing. All of the worst days of my life have been rainy days—every last one of them."

It was true too. Rain seemed to be the common denominator in all of the worst days of her life. The day her father left, it rained. The day of her first miscarriage was a rainy day. It rained the night that Danny and Martin got ambushed all those years ago. The day of her second miscarriage was marred with rain. The list could go on and on. Rain wasn't kind to her and usually accompanied some kind of pain, either physical or emotional.

"That is depressing." Olivia told her.

Sam shrugged. "Rain isn't exactly my friend."

"I guess not." Olivia could tell that talking about the rain wasn't helping Samantha get into a better mood, which was the reason why she came over to talk to her. So she decided to change the subject to a happier topic. "So how did Martin take the news that he's going to be a father again?"

Sam turned her head away and bit her lip. She still had yet to tell him about the baby. In fact, the only people who knew about her pregnancy were Olivia, Jackie, herself, and her doctor.

"You have told him, right?" Olivia asked, watching Sam's whole body language change. "You haven't told him?"

"Not yet." Sam shook her head.

"Do you mind if I ask why not?" Olivia asked hesitantly. While they were quickly becoming good friends, she didn't want to seem rude and noisy.

"It's complicated." Sam sighed.

"Because of the break?" Olivia guessed.

"That," Sam nodded, "and other things."

"But shouldn't you still let him know?" Olivia was slightly confused about why Samantha wasn't telling her husband about the baby. "Please don't take offense to this, but he is the father, right?"

Sam snorted and laughed, not taking offense to Olivia's question. "Oh he's definitely the father."

"So then he has a right to know this kind of stuff." She reasoned. If the child's paternity wasn't in question, then she wasn't sure what was stopping Samantha from spreading the news to the one person who deserved to know the most.

"I know." Sam replied. A part of her knew that keeping this from Martin was a horrible idea. But she thought that she could handle this on her own for now. "But I'm still not so certain that now is a good time."

"Any particular reason?"

Sam sighed heavily. "Trust me, it's a long story."

"Ok." Olivia nodded, letting it go. "You don't have to tell me but just know that if you ever want to talk about it, I'll listen."

"Thanks." Sam smiled. It was nice to have a friend that didn't want to pressure her into talking about things. "Can I just ask you one question though?"

"Of course." Olivia replied.

"What do you think would happen if I didn't tell Martin until after I got out of my first trimester?" She was curious to have another person's opinion—especially a person far removed from the situation.

Olivia couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You're thinking about keeping this from him for that long? Are you purposely trying to wreck your marriage?"

"No." Sam replied, taken aback by Olivia's reaction.

"Do you want my honest opinion?" Olivia asked.

"Yes." Sam replied. Even if it was something that she didn't want to hear, she would at least appreciate the honesty.

"Well then, in that case I feel that it is my duty to tell you that waiting until you're out of your first trimester to tell him could cost you your marriage. The male ego is a very delicate thing. They don't like to admit it a lot, but they get just as insecure as we do. And when men get insecure, they say and do some pretty stupid stuff. Besides, he could lose all trust that he has in you if you keep this from him. It would be one thing if you kept some minor detail of your life from him, but this is a pretty big deal." Olivia explained. "Now I don't know Martin and I don't know what kind of problems you have had in the past or presently, but I do know this. A secret like this is bound to hurt him."

"You're probably right." Sam hated to admit it, but Olivia's comments made sense. Maybe she was living in a dream world if she thought that keeping this from Martin would be a good thing. Maybe she should re-think her earlier plan.

About an hour later she was at her desk working on a report when her phone rang. "Agent Spade." After all these years it still felt odd to continue calling herself Agent Spade. But she had discussed it with Martin and then decided to keep her maiden name for her professional life. It would limit confusion if there was only one Agent Fitzgerald. Still, there were times when she was tempted to change it—just so that she could call herself Agent Fitzgerald.

"Hey there Sam. How's Houston treating you?" A familiar voice greeted her.

"Danny!" She put down the pen that was in her hand and stopped working. "What a surprise." She hadn't talked to him since she left and it was good to hear from him, although she had been getting updates from Martin. "What did I do to merit a phone call?"

"I just thought I'd check up on you and see how you're doing." Danny explained.

"That's sweet of you." Sam commented. She knew that Danny was genuinely interested in how she was doing but also sensed another, ulterior motive for calling her.

"So how are you doing?"

"Pretty good." She replied. "You should see the house we got. It's huge, but surprising less then what we're paying to live in New York."

"Is that an invitation to come visit?" He asked.

"You bet it is." She answered.

"How's work going?" He had heard from Martin that Sam was doing great and that her job was wonderful. But he wanted to hear it from her.

"I'm very happy here." She told him. "I think this place is going to work out wonderfully."

"Then I'm happy for you." He truly was happy for her but also sad that he had to lose such a good friend. Granted she was just in another state, but it just wasn't the same.

"So how are Michelle and Kyle?" Sam asked, trying to deflect the questions away from her.

"They're great." Danny answered, knowing that he should get to the second reason why he called before Martin came back from the errand that Jack sent him on. He wouldn't mind if Martin knew that he had called Sam, but he didn't want Martin to find out what they were talking about. "I must confess something."

"What?" She asked, wondering what he could be confessing to her.

"I didn't just call to check up on you. While I did want to hear for myself that you're doing well, I also had another reason."

"I figured as much." She laughed. "So what's the other reason?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Martin." Danny answered.

"What about him?" She asked, starting to get worried. What if something happened to him? "Is something wrong? Is he ok?"

"He's fine, physically" Danny assured her. "But emotionally, he's not doing too well."

"What do you mean by that?"

"He didn't want me or anyone to tell you this, but he's really not taking this whole separation thing very well. He's trying to bury himself in his work, he's not eating, and he's just sad. I think he might be going into some kind of depression but he doesn't want to tell you."

"Why not?" She had no clue that Martin was that unhappy. Sure he sounded really sad when they would talk, but she never would have guessed that it had gotten this bad so quickly. Her heart broke for him and what he must be feeling. She knew that this would be hard for him, but had never imagined that her absence could cause such an enormous reaction. "Why doesn't he want me to know about this?"

"I think he doesn't want to worry you and he thinks he can handle it on his own." Danny sighed. "You know how Martin is. He's stubborn."

"But this something that I should know about. I should know about this kind of stuff…" As she started talking, she realized how much of a hypocrite she was being. How could she get mad and hurt at Martin for not telling her that he was in such bad shape when she hadn't told him about the baby yet?

"I thought so too." Danny said, oblivious to the fact that Sam was lost in her own deep thoughts. "That's why I thought I'd go ahead and let you know what's happening with him since he's being so obstinate."

"I appreciate it Danny." Sam told him. "Thanks."

"No problem." Danny replied, noticing that Martin was approaching the bullpen. "Look, I gotta go before Martin finds out that I'm talking to you. I don't want him to know that I'm the one who squealed on him."

"Don't worry. I won't implicate you." She assured him.

"I'll talk to you soon."

"You bet you will. Bye." She told him before hanging up. She couldn't believe that Martin was that miserable and that he hadn't said anything to her about it. Or was she just so wrapped up in her own dramas that she didn't see the full impact this move was having on him? Either way, she knew that she needed to do something fast. Now that she knew that Martin was this miserable she couldn't stand by and not try to help him.