Love and Marriage

Chapter Seventy-Eight

"I am happy about this baby." He placed his hand on her still flat stomach. "But the million-dollar question of the day is, are you happy about this baby?"

She placed her hand atop of the hand he had on her stomach. "I'm happy about this. I'm just also scared, nervous, worried, anxious…the list goes on and on. But I am happy." She could see the unasked questions in his eyes and knew what he was thinking. "I know that you didn't completely believe me when I said that I did want more children. I know that you thought I was just trying to lead you on, but…"

"I didn't think that you were leading me on…" He tried to object, but was interrupted.

"Yes you did." She smirked. "But it's ok. The point is I did really want more children. I do want this baby. Even though right now I'm petrified and I hate this damn morning sickness, I want this baby."

He didn't want to get too far off track with their conversation but felt the need to ask. "How bad has your morning sickness been this time?" He knew that she was prone to having really bad morning sickness. She was sick almost the entire first trimester with Claire. He hoped for Sam's sake that it wasn't that bad this time.

"Sometimes, like right now, I'm fine. But earlier today before you came to the office, I couldn't keep anything down. It comes and goes in unpredictable cycles. But when it comes, it's pretty bad." She explained.

He wrapped his arms around her, rubbing her back gently. "I'm sorry. How long has that been going on?"

She could tell that was his way of covertly asking how long she had known about the pregnancy and mentally congratulated him on not accusing her of anything. That only would have turned this situation into a fight, and she could see that he didn't want that any more than she did. "The morning sickness has been pretty bad for about two weeks."

Two weeks. Right as she left to move here. "Did you know before you left?" He finally found the courage to ask the question that had been burning in his mind.

She shook her head and moved out of his arms to go sit on the couch. After working all day she was tired and didn't feel like standing up for the rest of this conversation. Something told her that they would be talking for a while. It didn't take more than a few seconds for Martin to follow her and sit next to her on the couch.

"I thought that I might be pregnant before I left. My period was late and I had fainted." She explained.

"Oh yeah." He remembered when she fainted. But she had blamed it on not eating and he had bought that story. "So what did you do about your suspicions?"

She continued on with her explanation. "I took one of those home pregnancy tests the week before I left. It came back negative though so I thought I was just crazy or something."

"So you didn't think you were pregnant when you left?" He asked, wanting to make sure that he was hearing her correctly.

"No." She shook her head. "You don't honestly think I would have left if I had known I was pregnant, do you?"

He sighed. "I don't want to think you would, but…"

She could have chosen to get angry with him about that, but it didn't matter. It was irrelevant right now. "The point is that I didn't know that the test gave me a false negative response. I didn't go to the doctor and find out for sure that I was pregnant until the Tuesday after I moved here."

He did the math in his head. "You've known about this for eleven days and never told me?" He made his tone as non-accusatory as possible in the hope of not starting a fight with her.

"Well, yeah." She nodded, hoping that he wasn't going to get mad at her and start a fight. "I found out last week but I was too shocked to tell you. Besides, how was I supposed to tell you that over the phone?" She decided to leave out the fact that earlier she was thinking about not telling him for many more weeks. He didn't really need to know that because that information would only start a fight. "I was trying to get adjusted to this before I told you."

"And that's why you asked me to come down here?" He guessed. It made sense to him that she would invite him down for a visit so that she could tell him about the baby.

"That was part of the reason." She admitted. "But it wasn't the entire reason. I missed you, Claire missed you, and you missed us." She noticed that he was being quiet again. "You aren't mad at me for not telling you right away, are you?"

He looked over at her and shook his head. "Not mad. Maybe a little disappointed, but not mad."

"Ok." She looked down at her hands, which were clasped tightly in her lap.

"Who knew before me?" He asked, curious about how many people knew about this pregnancy before him.

"Well, the doctor, Jackie, and Olivia. Those are the only people that I've told." Sam answered.

"So I'm the fourth person." He commented.

"Yeah." She nodded as they entered a period of awkward silence.

"So what does this baby mean for us?" Martin finally asked. Call it male intuition, but he had a feeling that he knew the answer to this question already. Sam wasn't going to change her mind about the break and the news of this baby wasn't going to change anything between them.

"What do you mean?" Sam asked, looking for clarification.

"Does this baby change anything for us?" He asked. "Does it mean that you might consider cutting the break short and letting me move down here? Because I'd love to be able to take an active role in helping you with this pregnancy. But I can't do it if I'm stuck in New York. Or does this baby change nothing between us?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "I want you to stay but I also want you to…"

"You still want me to go." He finished for her. He was quickly getting frustrated with her and this whole situation. This was a happy time for him. He just found out that he was going to be a father again. They would be given another chance to bring a new life into this world—a life that they created together. They should be celebrating, just like any other normal married couple would be.

Instead, he was trying to get her to let him move back in with his own family. Sometimes Samantha made him feel like he was at a job interview, lobbying for his position as her husband and father of her children. Shouldn't he already hold that position though? Why did he feel like he had to convince her to let him be a part of her life? Shouldn't that be something that's a given?

Right now was definitely one of those times that he felt like he was being screened by her. If he didn't meet her expectations or her qualifications, then she wouldn't let him back into her life. What more did he have to do though? How much was enough for her? When would she finally let him fully back into her life and her heart? And what was keeping her from letting him back in?

"I just…" She wanted to explain to him and hopefully get him to understand. The reason she didn't want him to move in with them wasn't because of him. It was about her own personal issues. It was hard enough telling him about the baby. Couldn't he see that this wasn't about him? Hadn't she made that clear enough? Obviously not.

"Sam I would gladly turn my life upside down for you—and I already have turned my life upside down for you. I went to couples' therapy with Leslie for you. I even agreed to individual therapy. I watched you move out of our house and my life. I let you drag Claire along with you on your trek across America to find a better job. I've indulged your break idea in the hopes of trying to be a caring, supportive husband. What else do you want from me?" He sighed deeply and shrugged his shoulders in a sign of defeat. "What else do I have to prove to you?"

She wasn't prepared for the outburst he just had and wasn't sure where it had come from. Why was he so upset with her? She didn't know what had spurred on his sudden frustration. Did he really think that he had to prove something to her? Had she made him feel that way? That wasn't her intention.

"Martin, I…" She started to talk in hopes of explaining some things to him. Maybe if she opened up more he would understand where she was coming from better. But she didn't get a chance to because he interrupted her.

"Sam, it's late. I'm tired, and I'm sure you must be tired too. Maybe we should just go to bed now and get some sleep. This afternoon I promised to make Claire a big breakfast with those blueberry pancakes that she loves. So I'm sure she'll try to wake us up early tomorrow." He got up, walking out of the living room and heading towards their bedroom without saying another word to her.

She closed her eyes and sighed. Things hadn't gone the way she thought they would. While she was glad that he was happy about the pregnancy and wasn't mad at her for keeping it a secret from him for the past two weeks, she didn't like the fact that he was mad at her for being conflicted about the break idea.

She couldn't believe that he was willing to walk out of the room and walk out of their conversation. Even though he was right and it was getting late, they weren't done talking yet. They should continue talking. Both Leslie and Jackie would agree with her on that. This wasn't something that should be put off. They needed to make a decision or at least try to compromise about it. She needed a chance to explain herself. It seemed like that would have to wait though.

When she entered their bedroom she noticed that he was already in bed, snuggled underneath the covers. He, of course, was on the right side of the bed because that was his usual spot and was facing the wall with his back to her. She figured he did that so that she wouldn't bother him anymore tonight.

She quickly changed into pajamas and slid underneath the covers, laying on her side and facing him. Her hand lingered above his shoulder as she tried to gather up enough courage to get his attention. She wanted to spend the night wrapped up in his arms. It was something that she had been dreaming about every night since she left. But as much as she wanted to reach out to him, she chickened out. Retracting her arm, she turned over onto her other side so that her back was now to him.

Right after she flipped around in the bed, Martin turned, looking at her. She now had her back to him. He wanted to reach over across the empty space of the bed and pull her into an embrace. He'd been dreaming of being able to sleep with her wrapped up in his arms ever since she left. But as much as he wanted to reach out, he chickened out and turned back to face the wall again.