Love and Marriage

Chapter Eighty

Later that evening, after returning from the movie, Sam brought plates, silverware, and napkins outside to the table in the backyard. Martin had insisted on grilling steaks on the grill that had come with the house. She didn't think it was right to make him cook all the meals while he was here, but he seemed like he wanted to so she let him because she didn't want to argue.

The afternoon had gone very well. They had visited the park before going out to lunch and heading to catch a movie. There was some awkwardness between her and Martin at the beginning of the afternoon, but it dissipated and they were able to have fun spending time together as a family.

Right now he was at the grill, flipping over the steaks for dinner and she was setting the table. Claire was running around the backyard trying to catch a butterfly that has caught her attention. She put down the last piece of silverware and stood there for a moment, watching her daughter. Claire looked so carefree and happy, and she knew that a lot of that had to do with the fact that both of her parents were together again.

Martin's absence was a hard thing for Claire to understand and neither her or Martin could find a good way to explain it without raising a bunch of questions that they weren't ready to answer. Claire would be ecstatic if Martin just stayed here with them forever, and it was obvious to her that Martin would also be elated if he could stay. But were they ready for that?

Sometimes she thought that they were. Then other times she wasn't so sure. Everything is jumbled around in her brain and she wasn't sure what to do anymore. Martin had suggested that he fly down here every weekend, and while she knew that it was simply a joke, she couldn't help but wonder if that could be a possible solution to their problem. It would still give them a break, but it wouldn't isolate him as much. They'd still be able to see each other on a regular basis.

But on the other hand, she wasn't sure that he would be receptive to the idea of flying here every weekend and then having to fly back before Monday morning. If the roles were reversed and she was in his position, she probably wouldn't want to do that. What other options did that leave though?

Martin checked on the steaks again before putting down the grill hood and walking over to the table, where Sam was. He stood next to her and brushed a piece of her hair back behind her ear. Then he looked over at what she was looking at, which was Claire. Claire was still trying valiantly to catch that butterfly, but the butterfly wasn't giving in without a fight.

"She never gives up." Sam quietly said.

"No she doesn't." Martin replied, turning her head to face Sam. "She doesn't know how to give up. She still thinks that all she has to do in order to get what she wants is to just never stop believing it will happen."

"Maybe we could all learn a thing or two from her." Sam said as she also turned to look at him. Claire wasn't jaded at all with life. She lived life thinking that everything was going to be ok and that nothing really bad would happen to her. Sam envied that in a way. She'd give anything to have that kind of attitude. She couldn't even remember a time when she wasn't jaded.

Her childhood had led her into a rocky adolescence and then a turbulent adulthood. After all the bad things that life had thrown her way, she couldn't help but be afraid. It seemed like every time she was happy or even thought that happiness was around the corner, something happened to either threaten her happiness or completely destroy it.

When they were sitting in the movie theatre this afternoon, she hadn't paid any attention to the actual movie. She couldn't tell anyone what it was about or what the plot was. Instead of watching the movie she had been completely lost in her own thoughts, using that time as a time of personal reflection.

She had considered what her life had been like so far and tried to probe her deepest thoughts to try and decipher exactly why she was pushing Martin away. Because that's essentially what she was doing. She finally realized that.

There were many examples from her past to back that up, including her earlier idea of waiting months to tell Martin about the baby. She knew that it would be a bad idea, but she still considered it because it was a way to keep Martin at arms length. If she kept him at arms length, she wouldn't have to worry about life throwing her a curve ball and taking away her happiness because she would be the one doing that herself. She would be in control of that.

So maybe her real issues were control and fear. It made sense to her. If she kept Martin in New York, then she would be in control of things.

"What do you think we should learn from her?" Martin asked out of curiosity as he wrapped an arm around her waist. She looked like she was deep in thought again. He had noticed during the movie that she wasn't paying any attention to it and wondered what she was thinking about. He figured that she was probably thinking about their conversation last night and this morning, trying to find a way to convince him to fly down here every weekend as a 'compromise'.

Some compromise that would be. Sure, he could see it from her perspective. From her perspective it would be a compromise. He would be able to spend some time with her and Claire every weekend and wouldn't be so isolated from his family. But at the same time, he would have to travel every weekend. That would be both costly and tiring.

While he would gladly do it if it was the only way he could spend time with his family, he didn't think that it was something that was extremely practical. Or fair. It definitely wasn't fair. He's been patient with her, more patient than a lot of other husbands would be. But even he had a limit, and as much as he hated to admit it, he was beginning to reach it.

She didn't seem to know what she wanted from him. All he was trying to do was make her happy, even though it meant he had to be miserable. But she didn't seem to be satisfied with that. He knew she was trying. This invitation to come down here was definitely her attempt to help ease the loneliness he was feeling and help him stay connected with Claire. But now she wanted to ship him back to New York tomorrow.

Sometimes he wished that he could just spend five minutes with the power of telepathy, just so that he could find out what was going through her head. What were her true feelings for him? Did she really want him to go? Was she just scared? Did she need him to reassure her of something? Was there anything that he could do to help her?

Unfortunately he didn't think he'd ever get the VIP backstage pass into her mind and was stuck with just regular concert tickets. If he was lucky he would get front row seating to be able to see what she was doing. But lately he had been getting placed in the very back, where he couldn't tell what was going on with her at all.

"She doesn't let anything stand in the way of getting what she wants. She still has her childlike innocence and carefree spirit." She looked over at her daughter, who was still chasing the butterfly. "She's not jaded from life."

"Do you think you're jaded?" He asked, watching her closely.

"Don't you think so?" She laughed, looking back at him and sighing.

Martin was about ready to answer her when he noticed Claire was running up to them.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Claire came up to them with her hands clasped tightly together. "I caught it! I caught it!"

"You caught the butterfly?" Martin asked his daughter.

"Yes!" Claire exclaimed happily, nodding her head up and down really fast.

"Wow." Sam marveled. In all honestly, she wasn't sure that Claire would be able to catch the butterfly because they were normally difficult to capture. But of course Claire was able to do it. She had enough patience to keep working at it until she triumphed, which was definitely something that she got from Martin. "What are you going to do with it now that you've caught it?"

"I dunno." Claire shrugged. "I just wanted to catch it. Maybe I'll keep it in my room."

"Maybe you should let it go." Martin suggested.

"Why?" Claire asked. "Can't I keep it?"

"You could." Sam nodded. "But I'm sure that this butterfly has a mommy and a daddy out there somewhere. If you keep it here, then its' family will be sad and miss it."

"I don't want that." Claire frowned. "Ok. Maybe I should let it go then."

"That's probably the best thing to do." Martin pointed out.

"Ok." Claire sighed and then opened up her hands. The butterfly immediately fluttered away, flying up to the sky and eventually disappearing from sight.

Martin went back over to the grill to check on the steaks, leaving Claire and Sam alone together. "I'm proud of you for doing the right thing and letting the butterfly go." Sam kissed the top of Claire's head.

"I didn't want to, but I also didn't want its' family to be sad and miss it. Just like I don't want daddy to be sad." Claire explained.

"That's because you have such a big, kind heart sweetie." Sam smiled. She had figured that was a reason why she was so easily convinced to release the butterfly. "C'mon. Let's go wash those hands before dinner's ready."