Chapter 3

We pulled up to the Plainview Mental Health Center and I looked at the small brown building sitting in the middle of nowhere. It looked like a giant cardboard box that someone had thrown out in the trash and had now forgotten.

"Tommy she's here? She lives in this god awful place? How did we find this place?" I wondered and of course he had a logical explanation. "This is the only place within 100 miles of our house. It's a good place they treat her really well." "Is she happy here?" I interrupted. "As happy as she knows how to be. Jude she is not the same person you remember." Well I would find that out first hand soon enough.

We got out of the car and walked up to the double glass doors where a big security guard looked at us and said "Mr. & Mrs. Quincy your late tonight! Victoria is in the day room waiting." With that he opened the door to let us into the next stage of my hell.

We walked down the hall to another door. This one was all steel with a wire meshed window and on the wall to the right a small window at eye level with a buzzer next to it. We buzzed and a face quickly appeared at the window. Eyes smiled at us in recognition and the door release buzzer sounded. As we walked down the brightly lit hall the nurse who let us in just smiled and continued on about her work.

As we approached the day room I heard a low humming. Tommy stopped me "Jude before we go in there I have to tell you what to expect." He was looking at me like this was a bad idea. "She's my mom I don't care." I mean how bad can she be right? Wrong! His grip on my arm got painfully tight. "Jude most days she doesn't know who I am. She tolerates me. Then on the really good days she knows it's you and….. "He trailed off. "What is it Tommy" I begged him. "Well for the most part she thinks that you were the one who was killed." Something punched at me as his words registered in my already fuzzy head. I had to see who she thought I was so I just started walking towards the mournful humming we heard.

The day room was nothing more than a giant playpen for adults. There were drawings on the walls. Dolls and stuffed animals littered a corner where a mat was thrown haphazardly on the floor. An arts and crafts table and a reading corner with about 20 books. The television was mounted high on the wall encased by Plexiglas; speakers were mounted in the ceiling. In the middle of the room sat my mother humming and rocking.

She turned when she heard us approach and her pale drawn face lit up and she smiled with her dry cracked lips she looked like something out of a zombie movie. "Stuart, Sadie you made it. I was starting to think that you weren't coming at all. Did you put flowers on Jude's grave and tell her I love her?" she inquired. Tommy just shook his head and went along with her little mental charade. "Yes, we did dear. How have you been today?"

The fragile calm was suddenly broken when she jumped up and screamed at me. "Why did you change your hair Sadie? Are you trying to break my heart? You look like your sister. You know she's dead right? You can't take her place not for one single second. Get out of here and don't come back until you stop doing the things you know will hurt me." With that she ran out of the room her slippers shuffling down the hall. I went to go after her and Tommy grabbed me and just shook his head and led me to the main entrance.

The nurse looked up at me with sympathy in her eyes and said "Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. You know she's not always like that." I just nodded and let Tommy lead me out. Once we got to the car I was getting in and I glanced at the ugly little building. That's when I saw her standing at the window waving to us as though the whole incident never happened. "Tommy we go through this every night?"

"Pretty much sometimes she is a bit difficult. They have tried medications, shock therapy they even let her go to Sadie's grave with us once on a day pass. We don't ask for those anymore. Nothing helps nothing changes she is trapped in whatever world she has created for herself."

We drove in silence all the way home. I was so tired I just wanted to sleep but I was afraid to. What if I woke up tomorrow and the same thing happened? What if I couldn't remember? What if Tommy had to do this all over again? I couldn't stop sobbing when I thought of what this might be doing to him. "Tommy I am so tired. When we get home can we just go to sleep? I can't take anymore of this today." He just nodded and reached for my trembling hand. I went on "I want you to promise me that you will hold on to me tonight and don't let go until I wake up and you know I am alright. If I'm not If I forget all of this again promise me you'll bring me to stay with my mom" I begged him. How much of this could he take?

"Of course we can go to sleep. Today has been rough on us both. I promise that I will hold on to you all night and in the morning too. I won't promise to bring you to Plainview though. Whatever this is we will work through it even if I have to do it everyday of my life for the rest of my life. I love you too much to live with out holding you every night." He held my hand for the rest of the drive home glancing at me occasionally to make sure I was ok. I was just staring out into the inky blackness of the night looking for something or someone that might trigger my memory.

We pulled into the driveway and Tommy helped me out and led me to the door. Before he opened it he looked at me and just kissed me so gently. He opened the door and left all the lights out we just went straight to our room. He picked me up and put me gently in the bed he then got in with me clothes and all. I felt so safe a secure as his strong arms wrapped around me.

I waited for sleep to come but it wouldn't. I just lay there enveloped in Tommy's loving arms. Somewhere deep in my mind I thought I heard voices. I tried to block them out they wouldn't stop. I tossed and turned but Tommy never let me go. "Do you want a glass of warm milk to smooth out the edges? Maybe help you sleep?" he asked me yawning. "No thanks I think I will be able to sleep if you maybe rubbed my back." So he did while he did that he still had one arm wrapped tightly around me like he would fight hell to hold me. It's a beautiful feeling and as I drifted of to sleep I prayed that I wouldn't forget this moment in the morning.