Chapter 4
The steady staccato drumming of rain on the roof filled the dark silent room. I tried to roll over to look at the clock but Tommy had me in a vice grip hold. I gently pried his arms from me and got up. It was 11:00 am I can't believe we slept this late. Wait I remembered yesterday and all the horrible things that I was learning. That was a good thing if you want to call life tragedies a good thing. I remember them from yesterday woo hoo!
I went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. I had to search for everything. Apparently organizing the cabinets wasn't a priority for either of us. When the coffee was done I sat down at the table and looked at the CDs laying there. I put Tommy's in and sat back to listen. What I heard was something that I never expected.
Shattered
Lonely why do I feel this way
If you're so in love with me
Why do you stay away?
Heartache breaking down my pride
The closer that I get to you the more I hurt inside
Feeling I've been wrong about you
Try to justify
I'm feeling empty inside
I see the heartache you hide in your eyes
I'm feeling empty inside
Shattered
Shattered trying to get to you
Left my heart in broken pieces haven't been so true
Leave me in my barren world
When I try to give you all I hear the cry of love
There's no words and there's no time for
All the reasons why
I'm feeling empty inside
I see the heartache you hide in your eyes
I'm feeling empty inside
Shattered
I'm feeling empty inside
I see the heartache you hide in your eyes
I'm feeling empty inside
Shattered
Spoken word: yellow walls I light another cigarette
Rainbow dreams crossing through my eyes
Shattered pictures in my mind
Love lost lorn
Shattered shattered shattered yeah
I was crying and I didn't even care. He truly loved me. He was as lost without me as I was without him. "I wrote that the night you left." His voice startled me and I jumped up with the CD cover clutched to my chest.
"I didn't know you were awake." I stuttered lamely. How could he not be I had a concert going on in the kitchen. He chuckled at the look on my face and went and grabbed his own cup of coffee. He sat down and just looked at me. His gaze was penetrating as though he could see through me and read my thoughts.
"Yeah I was devastated that you left and even more devastated that you were going to move out after you came back. You wouldn't talk to me."
"I'm sorry Tommy I guess that's what I thought was the best thing for me at the time." I sat down next to him and put my head on his shoulder. He ran his hand through my hair and sighed contentedly. Before I could relax into him more he jumped out of the chair like a man on fire and ran out of the room. When he came back he had a book in his hand and a look of triumph on his face.
"I am a complete moron I don't know why I didn't think about this before. You keep a journal; you carry it with you everywhere. Maybe this will help." He said dropping the book on the table in front of me. It seemed so……… familiar but I wasn't sure I was ready for this. Could this book bring me back from the darkness that my mind was comfortable in? The answer could be here. If I relived it again what other damage could it do to me? Look where I am now. I forgot 5 full years of my life.
Tommy broke into my internal debate and said "Look why don't we have something to eat and maybe go for a ride somewhere? You don't have to jump right into your journal right now." I guess he's always saving me from myself. We decided to make some food at the house and skip the drive. I didn't want to go out in that dreary weather.
Later we were lying on the couch together wrapped in a blanket watching TV just enjoying not thinking of anything when the phone rang. I jumped up and answered it not thinking. "Hello" I sang into the phone. The voice that spoke to me was familiar and in an instant I knew. I didn't want to hear it, I wasn't sure why either, but it continued persistently.
"Jude, Jude will you please answer me? I know you don't want to talk to me but it's important." Dead silence "Jude damn it answer me! If you won't talk to me at least put Tommy on the phone can you do that?" I just handed it to Tommy without speaking and he took it with a look of growing concern and barked his hello at the phone.
"Tommy what's going on over there? What is Jude's problem?" my father questioned him. Why was he calling? "Uh Mr. Harrison this really isn't a good time maybe we could call you back." Tommy told him. He said nothing more he just nodded as though my father could see him and hung up the phone.
"Tommy, I think I need to read my journal now. I know I was mad at my father because he cheated on my mom but the feeling I got when I heard his voice, I can't explain it but I know it goes much deeper than that." He nodded and went to the kitchen and got it for me. As he handed it to me he went to walk away. "Tommy please stay with me. Read it to me." Begging, desperation in my voice.
"Jude it's always been the one thing you wouldn't share with me. I don't want to take that away from you now."
"I don't care Tommy. Look at where we are. If there is some clue as to how I got here and dragged you along with me then I want to know. I want US to know." He nodded and sat back down on the couch. We wrapped ourselves back in the blanket and we settled in for a long day. It was decided that we would read from the very first page.
Song Credit: Shattered Don Dokken