Sorry for the late update. I was really busy translating stuff, reading my yaoi novels, and besides, school has just started again. Sigh.
The first part of this chapter is quite crappy. I considered cutting it out, but… oh well. Hope the later parts made up for it.
About the word "hentai"... Well, it can mean both "porn" or "pervert"(used often in anime and manga).This is a reply to We-Could-Be-Gone's comment. Just to clear up the misunderstanding :)
DISCLAIMER: Gravitation does not belong to me.
MOU ICHI DO
Chapter 21 – All That Is Left Unspoken
The streets were bustling with activity as Yuki pulled his car into a stop near Tokyo Station. Once he stepped out of his car, he frowned and put on his sunglasses. Why had Shuichi wanted to meet here? They could be recognized easily. The last thing he needed now was having a horde of fangirls screaming and running after him. Fortunately, he had tried to dress as casually and inconspicuously as he could.
He leaned against his car, trying to spot Shuichi from where he was. He didn't want to jostle with the crowd coming in and out of the station. But there was no sign of the model. He frowned again, now at a loss of what to do.
Suddenly, he felt a tug at the sleeve of his jacket. He turned and unwittingly held his breath as he watched Shuichi gave him a little smile, looking gorgeous in that lavender shirt, jeans, white jacket, and a pair of blue-tinted sunglasses.
"Hi…" Shuichi mumbled, almost shyly.
Yuki nodded in response and turned back to his car. "Let's go somewhere quieter." Startled when Shuichi grabbed hold of his arm suddenly, he shot the boy a questioning look.
"I've already planned the itinerary for today. All you have to do is to follow me. Can you do that? Just… just for the last time?" Shuichi peered at him through the pair of tinted sunglasses. Something tells him that if he doesn't agree to those "terms", Shuichi would leave immediately.
"Fine." Yuki replied gruffly. "Just remember to keep a low profile. I don't want any trouble."
Shuichi brightened visibly. "Yes! Don't worry about keeping a low profile. I don't want any fans or the media breathing down our necks too." He grinned and jumped into the passenger seat.
Yuki was quite taken aback with Shuichi's actions and behavior. The last time he remembered, they had been at Tohma's house, where he had been snapping angrily at Shuichi, which resulted in him having a glass of water splashed into his face. Only a day had passed, and Shuichi was acting as if none of that happened.
He stood there in stunned silence for a few moments, before Shuichi called for him to hurry. Shrugging, he climbed into his seat and started his car… and almost crashed into another when Shuichi made his announcement for the day.
"Let's visit Yokohama today!"
xXx xXx xXx xXx xXx
Some time later, Yuki sat still in his driver seat, staring around at the surroundings blankly.
"Yuki! Are you coming!" Shuichi was practically screaming from where he stood. "Yu-"
"Stop yelling, you idiot!" Yuki hissed as he rushed over to Shuichi. "In the first place, why are we here!"
Or rather, why did I agree to do this?
Yuki's heart plummeted a little when he caught Shuichi staring off away from him, with a distant look on his face.
Shit. What have I done this time?
Amazingly, Shuichi switched back to his hyper mode within seconds.
"Because I'm hungry! I haven't had lunch yet…" He beamed childishly and pulled Yuki down the streets of Chinatown, in search of a good restaurant.
After an hour of gobbling down tons of dim sum, Shuichi dragged Yuki into a Chinese boutique and forcefully fitted the author with oriental clothes, while trying hard not to giggle at the same time. But he failed terribly as he watched the glowering Yuki squirmed uncomfortably in the foreign costume while the clicking of the camera could be heard.
"I'm never going to do that again…" Yuki grumbled as they exited from the shop. "Give me that."
Shuichi swung his hand out of Yuki's way just in time. "I'm keeping this photo!"
"No way. I'm burning that up."
Shuichi shot Yuki an exasperated look. "I'm keeping it. I don't think it was that bad. Besides, you look good in anything…" He trailed off and averted his eyes from the author.
Yuki raised his eyebrow at the unexpected compliment. "Hmph."
A few moments of silence passed before Yuki spoke up again. "So, where do you want to go now?"
Shuichi lit up in excitement, and a slight cold dread seeped into Yuki.
"Cosmo World!"
xXx xXx xXx xXx xXx
Shuichi inched a little closer to Yuki, trying to act nonchalant.
"What? Are you afraid?" Yuki snorted.
Shuichi stiffened, like a thief who had been caught in the act, before sputtering: "Of… Of course not!" But the skeptical glance he shot one last glance at the entrance signboard before entering.
'House of Horror - Dr.Edgar's Cursed Collection'
A few minutes later, loud shrieks could be heard, along with a few curses.
"You're an idiot, do you know that? A cowardly, brainless idiot. There're no such things as monsters, ghosts or whatever in this world." Yuki picked out a cigarette and lighted it.
They were sitting down on one of the benches, as Shuichi had problem walking (his knees would still buckle in fear), and he didn't look like he was planning to let go of Yuki's coat anytime soon. It wasn't that Yuki minded that much. He was unconsciously enjoying the close proximity of their bodies, and besides, he wasn't looking forward to joining Shuichi's rampage around the theme park.
Yuki lifted the cigarette to his lips, glancing around, hoping they weren't drawing too much attention. They were lucky that it was a weekday, so the crowd wasn't that bad. Suddenly, his cigarette was being snatched away from him. Startled, he turned and stared in disbelief at the trembling boy beside him.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Shuichi ignored him and concentrated on inhaling the smoke. Before, he had been as white as a sheet, but now, color seemed to have crept back onto his face. He was regaining his composure gradually.
Yuki frowned and reached out, swiping the cigarette back.
"Hey!" Shuichi started protesting. "Give it back to me!"
"For your information, it's mine."
"What? Can't you just spare me one? You still have a boxful of it, don't you!"
Shuichi started clambering all over Yuki, trying to get the cigarette back, but Yuki expertly kept it out of his reach.
"When did you learn to smoke?"
Yuki narrowed his eyes when he was ignored. He caught Shuichi's chin and forced the boy to look at him, repeating his question. "When did you learn to smoke?"
Shuichi growled in frustration. "It's none of your business." He struggled to get away, but couldn't.
"Answer me."
They glared at each other, noticing then that they were so close that they could almost taste each other on their lips.
"Fine, fine! I obviously hadn't been smoking back then, so it means that I only started months ago. Can't you figure that out yourself!" He struggled again and managed to break free from Yuki's grasp, settling himself back onto the spot beside Yuki, his heart thumping wildly.
"Why?"
Why? He's asking me why! Shuichi bit onto his lips, reeling in his frustration and anger. Of course it's because of you! You and your kisses! Damn it!
"For a job. And, because of work-related stress."
Yuki eyed the boy carefully, trying to decide if that was the truth. Is that it? But I never expected to see him smoking. Not in a lifetime…
"You shouldn't smoke too much."
Shuichi snorted. "Look who's talking."
Yuki threw the cigarette down onto the floor and snuffed it out.
"Bastard."
"Well, do you want to carry on looking around? Or should we just sit here smoking for the rest of the day?"
Shuichi shot Yuki a glance before smiling slightly and getting up. "Ok. Let's go."
So they went around the theme park, with Shuichi skipping around in excitement, while Yuki tried to keep up with him. Everything was so fun – except the rollercoaster ride which Shuichi had threw up Chinese food after the ride. This almost felt like… a date. Yuki was being extremely compromising, and Shuichi was his bubbly old rambling self. It felt just like that date they had after Shuichi successfully sold a million copies of his album as stated in the deal.
It was as though the invisible awkward barrier between them had vanished. It was as though none of what had taken place in the past year had happened at all. They were still together. They were still lovers.
At least, for the past few hours.
As they sat in one of the carriages of the world's largest Ferris wheel, Cosmo Clock 21, Yuki regarded Shuichi (who was gazing out into the horizon) carefully, tracing his lithe form slowly with his eyes, pausing at those exquisite eyes and those soft lips.
"Look. You can see the city from here." Shuichi whispered, as if not wanting to spoil the comfortable atmosphere in the carriage. "Isn't it beautiful?"
"Yeah…" Yuki replied, keeping his eyes on Shuichi.
"It's a pity that beautiful things don't last…" Shuichi continued, sounding sadder than he realized.
Yuki's eyes flickered to the outside of the carriage, in the direction where Shuichi was looking. The last rays of the setting sun cast an orange glow over the city. "That's the way things work in this world…" God. I sound so lame.
"Hmm… But I wish time could just stop now though…" He pressed his palm against the window, as if to catch hold of the sun. "Then, this ride would never end…"
Yuki had no reply to that. He couldn't, to be more exact. For both of them knew, deep in their hearts, that this wasn't going to last. Just like that previous date which had ended on a sad note with Yuki disappearing, this was most probably going to turn out in the same way too.
Time was slipping away with each second, dragging a tiny piece of their moment together with it.
Shuichi shifted his attention back to Yuki. "You look like you're glowing."
"…"
"The sunlight makes your blonde hair glow, although it's sunset we're talking about." Shuichi frowned thoughtfully. "I like your hair. You should leave it just like this. It looks nice. You'll leave this like this, won't you?"
"Like this?" Yuki blinked. This was the second time Shuichi had commented on his appearance today. "…Yeah, I will."
Shuichi rewarded him with a smile.
"You should keep that too."
"Huh?"
"Your smile…" Yuki looked out of the carriage. "It reaches your eyes."
"Oh." Shuichi felt his heart skipped a beat. "Ok, I will…"
It was a simple exchange of little promises, an attempt to make up for those important ones that they could never make. As their carriage neared the highest point, night was falling, and the park had started to light up in many bright colors magically.
"It's so beautiful!" Shuichi stood up unsteadily, his eyes glimmering with delight as he peered out. "Yuki! Look!"
"Shuichi…"
"Yes?" Shuichi turned to Yuki, tripping a little as their carriage paused at the highest point, only to be met with warm lips on his own. He froze, not knowing what to do. But the tenderness of the kiss drew him in, and he began to respond with the same gentleness. It wasn't lust. But it shouldn't be love. Did the kiss arise solely out of kindness then?
But they needed it. They knew that.
Just for that moment, in that tiny carriage, they shared what could possibly be their last kiss.
xXx xXx xXx xXx xXx
They were back in the familiar grounds of Tokyo. It was already 8:30pm when they sat down at the table Shuichi had reserved earlier at Shades of Blue. It was an outdoor restaurant where the tables were arranged further apart for couples to have their privacy. The place was quite dim, with tea light candles in bowl-shaped glasses atop each table. There was a small, low stage on one side, where a lady was currently belting out romantic oldies.
Yuki felt a little awkward even though their table was situated at a quiet corner. However, he had to applaud Shuichi's choice of venue, as even he loved the ambience.
Dinner passed without much talking between the two of them. But as usual, Shuichi didn't last long. Only that this time, he wasn't babbling nonsense anymore.
"I've always wanted to have dinner at such a place with you…"
Yuki glanced at Shuichi, trying to figure the boy out. Why is he talking about this now? Is he… trying to say something?
"But every time I try planning something like that, it'll never work out."
"…You-" Yuki's cell phone interrupted him. "Hello?... I'm busy… No… I said not tonight. Stop bothering me."
Shuichi regarded Yuki intently as he hung up. "Looks like you're always busy… that hasn't changed much, has it?"
"…"
"Are you listening to me?"
"Would you stop it? I don't want to talk about this."
"Oh? Yeah, that's it. You never ever listened to me, and you never ever wanted to talk to me."
"Are you blaming me?" Yuki was getting pissed off as well. "You knew what I was like before-"
"Yes, yes! I was the stupid one! I'm the one who was responsible for all these mess!"
They glared at each other for a while.
"Shuichi. Are you trying to say something?"
"I… I know I shouldn't bring this up, but…" Shuichi turned and stared at the singer on stage. "… I really need answers, Yuki. I don't want to carry on like this. There are too many questions in my head, and questions don't give me a sense of finality. I want to end this and I need answers to do that." He took out the box of cigarettes he had bought once they had returned to Tokyo, and pulled out a stick.
Yuki didn't know how to react to those words being said. He understood what Shuichi meant, for he had tons of questions in his heart which he wanted answers to as well. But somehow, he wasn't keen on answering Shuichi's questions. The reason for that was left unknown even to him.
They continued watching the singer without saying anything.
"Did you love me?" The sudden question startled Yuki. "No… I didn't phrase that correctly. If you did love me, we wouldn't be where we are right now. Let me put it this way then… Did you even like me? A single, tiny bit?"
Yuki's heart was racing in a panic, but his mind was completely blank. Did Shuichi really expect him to answer that? He couldn't. He didn't know how.
Shuichi sighed softly. "Fine. What about this then… Was I just a toy?"
Yuki reached out for his glass of wine. He took a sip slowly before finally whispering. "No."
"Why did you let me leave back then?" It wasn't meant to, but that sounded slightly accusatory.
"…Because you wanted to." Yuki replied flatly, and almost immediately.
Shuichi frowned. So that's it? Because I wanted to? Stop kidding! All the times I wanted him to do something, he ignored me. But at that time, he…?
He took a long drag on his cigarette, trying to calm his mind. He had told Akiha that he was going to talk it out with Yuki, but this was not going in the direction he had planned. It was way out of his expectations.
It would have been better if Yuki had replied something along the lines of "because I didn't love you", "I didn't need you", "I couldn't stand you". But to be told "because you wanted to"? A small bitter smile flitted across his face.
He wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry. A year of living under the same roof, a year of sharing the same bed, a year of surviving the living hell of confessions, the media, an Aizawa Taki, and a Kitazawa Yuki… but this was all he got?
It only served to prove that they were never really together, that they were never connected as one before.
"Because I wanted to"?
Couldn't you see that no matter what, I didn't really want to leave? That no matter what, I was wishing that you would say something to sooth my breaking heart, my failing confidence, and my tears? What I really wanted was for you to hold me together, to keep me from breaking down.
And all along, I thought that you hadn't wanted to do that. It was only just did I realize that you hadn't notice it at all.
This is… hopeless… isn't it? It has always been hopeless.
Shuichi crushed his cigarette against the ashtray, and was reaching for another one when Yuki stopped him.
"What?" Shuichi snapped.
"You shouldn't smoke too much. It's bad for your throat."
"God. Why do you guys point out the same thing? I guess your memory's failing you… since you don't seem to remember that I have not much use for my throat anymore. Besides spouting nonsense, like you said I always do."
"Shuichi…" Yuki paused, searching Shuichi's eyes. He then glanced towards the stage. "Go up there and sing a song."
"Huh?" Shuichi was taken aback.
"I said… go up that stage and sing a song. I want to hear you sing."
"Are you crazy? There's no way I'm doing that. Firstly, I'm not a singer anymore. And secondly, didn't you not want anyone to recognize us?"
"Look, anyone is free to go up there to sing. Some customers here have done it earlier. And they're not singers, are they? Besides, I don't think there's anyone from the media here."
"Why do I have to do it just because you told me to?"
"You did it once before."
Shuichi growled at what seemed an arrogant and egoistic reply. He glared at Yuki, daring him to smirk. Finally, after staring long and hard, he gave in. There was no way he could win against those piercing golden eyes. There was no way that he could ever refuse Yuki Eiri. Even if his mind wanted to, his heart wouldn't allow that to happen.
He signal to the waiter and requested to sing a song next. He gulped down a glass of water to try to wash away the bitter taste of cigarettes in his mouth and to sooth his throat. What he didn't expect was the soaring feeling he got as he walked up on the tiny stage. He wasn't afraid this time. The place was quite dim. The audience was small and probably wouldn't recognize him. The night breeze was cooling. And what's more, Yuki was there. Yuki had said that he wanted to listen. It was the first time he had ever said that.
Reality
by Richard Sanderson
Met you by surprise,
I didn't realize
that my life would change forever
Saw you standing there,
I didn't know I cared
there was something special in the air
Shuichi closed his eyes. Yuki noted Shuichi's ability to speak… sing English with surprise. He leaned back into his seat, as Shuichi's beautiful voice shot through his body, sending tingles everywhere.
Dreams are my reality,
the only kind of real fantasy
Illusions are a common thing
I try to live in dreams
It seems as if it's meant to be
Dreams are my reality,
a different kind of reality
I dream of loving in the night
And loving seems alright
Although it's only fantasy
It was a lovely song. He had heard it once before. But the lyrics… had Shuichi chosen this song on purpose?
Their eyes met, and they held each other's gaze. Shuichi smiled.
He enjoys singing. He can't lie about that. So… why?
If you do exist,
honey don't resist
show me a new way of loving
Tell me that it's true,
show me what to do
I feel something special about you
Dreams are my reality,
the only kind of reality
may be my foolishness has past
And may be now at last
I'll see how a real thing can be
Dreams are my reality,
a wonderous world where I like to be
I dream of holding you all night
and holding you seems right
perhaps that's my reality
…
They had left the restaurant after much more singing, drinking, and just sitting there, enjoying each other's presence. Shuichi glanced at his watch as he sat on the passenger seat. It was 11:30pm. It's no wonder he was tired after being out for almost one whole day. He leaned against the window, staring out in a daze, watching the tiny drops of water trickled down the glass. It had begun drizzling 10 minutes ago.
"Shuichi? If you're tired, you can rest your eyes. I'll wake you up once we're there…"
"Hmm? No, I'm fine…"
His eyelids were getting heavy, but he didn't want to sleep just yet. He wanted to stay with Yuki for a while long… for as long as he could. He was even hoping that the rain would slow his ride back to the hotel down. He didn't want to leave.
Not yet.
Not ever…
His heart was weighing down on him.
Met you by surprise,
I didn't realize
that my life would change forever
Tell me that it's true,
feelings that are cue
I feel something special about you
After some time, Yuki pulled the car to a stop opposite the hotel. Shuichi remained still in his seat.
"We're here."
"…"
"Shuichi?"
"Just for a little longer." He knew he was being silly. He was silly. He felt like Cinderella, given a chance to enjoy her happiest moments with the one she loved, only to lose everything at midnight. The only difference was: she got her prince in the end, but that would never happen for him.
He could feel Yuki's gaze boring holes into his back as he continued staring out of the window. At long last, he turned and their eyes met each other, but they were interrupted by Yuki's cell phone again.
Yuki chose to ignore it, but Shuichi knew better. There was no one who would call so late at night, except… one of Yuki's lover.
"I better get going. You have someone waiting at home for you…"
"I…"
"Thank you so much for today. I really enjoyed myself. Yuki, I…" Shuichi caught himself in time. "Take care."
He sprang out of the car, not giving Yuki a chance to answer. He didn't stop once as he ran into his hotel, because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to leave Yuki. And no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't do that now.
All that had happened felt like a dream. Yes, in fact, he had a feeling that he would be dreaming of this day for nights to come, probably for the rest of his life. He didn't mind doing that though… all he wanted now was to live in his dreams. Perhaps, that was the only way to be with Yuki.
Dreams are my reality,
a wonderous world where I like to be
Illusions are a common thing
I try to live in dreams
although it's only fantasy
Dreams are my reality,
I like to dream of you close to me
I dream of loving in the night
and loving you seems right
Perhaps that's my reality
xXx xXx TBC xXx xXx
Gahh! I said that I wanted to do a ShuichixHaruko part, but I couldn't fit it in. I'll bring that over to the next chapter. Hmm… the more chapters I write, the more I think that this story is extremely cliché. It began from the 'knight in shining armor' scene where Yuki rescued Shuichi. Damn, it's really cliché. Unoriginal. Hmph. I bet my ending would be unoriginal too. But… I really don't know how else to end. Sigh…
Oh yeah, about Cosmo World, I haven't been there. I searched for information on it on the Internet, but the site was in Japanese. So, if I made any factual mistakes on it, please pardon me. But I do know that the Ferris wheel there is the largest one in the world. It takes around 15 minutes for the 360 degrees ride. It was featured in episode 11 of Loveless though. Hee…
And I'm so very sorry that I didn't reply all the reviews you guys wrote for me. I'm having a bad case of flu now… I can't really read properly. But still, I wanna thank you guys for reading this long story. (sends everyone hugs and kisses)
(sneeze)
Oh btw, if you haven't read Gravitation Megamix by Maki Murakami (NOT the Remix), you should... provided you have a strong stomach. Well then, see ya next time!