Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 2: To-Do Listing
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but making them do funny stuff is all me. This also includes blatant references to Disney songs and Justin Timberlake. And the bit about the birdie's beak is from the song "Bimbo No. 5" by Weird Al Yankovitz. Teehee.
Author's Note:
Ahahaha... This story makes me laugh. And of course, when I write stuff like this, I'm usually listening to influentially music, such as Weird Al Yankovitz and South Park music. Oh, God, I'm wacky. Well, come enjoy this crazy story!
Entry 34:
Did two loads of laundry today. I never knew that Sanosuke wore those under those white pants.
Entry 35:
He's lucky. White pants usually make people's thighs look huge. Eww! Fat thighs. The only thing thighs do is make your butt look big. And, of course, I've got a tasty looking asssss-k me no more questions! Tell me no more lies! The boys are in the bathroom, zipping up their flies are in the meadow, bees are in the park, Miss Suzie and her boyfriend are kissing in the D-A-R-K, D-A-R-K, dark, dark, dark!
Entry 36:
Ayame and Suzumi make up the strangest rhymes.
Entry 37:
Really, I don't think I would ever want children. Two days ago Ayame asked me where she came from. I asked her if she meant place. She said no, not that. I took her to Megumi. Megumi then looked at me and blushed.
"Oh, Ken-san! Is that what you want to know?"
I personally have no idea what she's talking about. All those drugs must have gotten to her head.
Entry 38:
Ahaha! Get it? Get it? She's a doctor and she used to make opium! I am so good.
Entry 39:
Go Kenshin, it's your birthday! Go Kenshin, it's your birthday!
Entry 40:
Actually, I'm not quite sure what my birthday is... You know, with the lunar calender back when I was born and all that jazz.
Entry 41:
Hey, you want to know something really funny? You know those Greeky geeky people? Well, their Goddess of Love and Beauty (ahahaha! Yeah right. I am the most beautiful. Yes I am. I am so sexy it hurts! It really does! Wait, what was I going to say? Oh yeah...), was made when this guy Cronus (who was such an ASS) castrated his father, Uranus. Get it, get it? He castrated YOUR ANUS?
Entry 42:
Oh, I am so smart and funny! I am awesome in everything!
Entry 43:
And not to mention I am GREAT in bed.
Entry 44:
We all know it.
Entry 45:
If there was a birdy on my... how's-your-father, I could make the beak go REALLY big. On command. That's right. You know you want this control.
Entry 46:
Yes! Yes! YES! I AM THE SEXIST!
Entry 47:
Kaoru sent me out for tofu again today. She's so weird. She hates tofu! Even when I cook it! I don't know what's wrong with her. She's so weird sometimes but man, when she's just in those breast bindings... Yummy. Like delish stuff.
Entry 48:
Bought tofu... Never really noticed how kinky it is.
Entry 49:
Oh, jiggle that bucket Kaoru, jiggle it!
Entry 50:
Naughty, naughty Kenshin. I am so sexy when I am naughty, though. I am absolutely lick-able.
Entry 51:
When you look in the dictionary for "sexy", you find a LARGE picture of me. That's right. I am so sexy.
Entry 52:
If I were a chick, I'd dig me. I would KILL for me. I really would. I am so worth it.
Entry 53:
You know why Saitou married? Let's relive those moments.
Attempt 1-
Saitou: Hey, pretty thang... What's your sign?
Me: YIELD. STOP. NO TRESPASSING. DO NOT ENTER. You want more?
Saitou: (Weepy weepy.)
Attempt 2-
Saitou: Your body is a temple.
Me: Services are not opened today. Please come back in your next lifetime, when you look like me.
Saitou: (Boohoo.)
Attempt 3-
Saitou: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Me: Yeah. I was neutering your dog.
Saitou: (scared)
Attempt 4-
Saitou: (singing) I wanna be part of your world! (changes songs) L is for the way you look at me! (Changes songs) Hey Barbie, you wanna go for a ride?
Me: (pulls out reverse blade sword, in an outrageous French accent) I pull up what's inside and I serve it up fried!
Saitou: (still singing) Cry me a river!
Attempt 5-
Saitou: Tell me... Do you love me? Because if not...
Me: What, you'll go away? Well then, no.
Saitou: Fine! I'll go marry Tokio!
Me: Man, is she a goddess or something? I mean, to marry someone like you.
Entry 54:
I am so cool.
Entry 55:
And not the constipated-overweighted-outta-style-loser type, you know?
Entry 56:
I don't think I could ever marry someone who weighted more than me.
Entry 57:
Ah... Well, goodbye, Kaoru... Sesshoumaru... Yuhi... Tasuke... Kurama... Aoshi-when-he-was-13...Guy who looks like Sesshoumaru... What's his name again...? Something that started with a "y", I think... Anyway... Shigure... Toya... Tamahome... And who else...? Oh yes! Kamui weighs the same as me!
Entry 58:
Shit, that guy is soooo hot. Almost as hot as me.
Entry 59:
He's so much hotter than Aoshi when he was 13.
Entry 60:
Does that make me a child-molesting priest?
Entry 61:
Ooo! There you are, Miroku!
"Say hi to Yahiko for me!"
I have no idea what that strange man is talking about. Some people are so weird, you know. But... I will say hello. For not only am I extremely hot and awesome, I am also very polite.
Entry 62:
Yes! Found my daily to-do list!
1- Tell Doc Gensai that he's looking good today.
2- Do laundry, and be sure to tell Yahiko that now is the time for extreme trepidation towards Kaoru-dono.
3- Look sexy.
4- Find Megumi's secret stash of opium.
5- Buy more tofu.
6- Help the helpless.
7- Look sexy.
8- Say to Sanosuke, "Hey look! It's your old dead boss that my side of the revolution shot to death and then decapitated! I see him, I do, I do, I do!"
I'm missing something...
Entry 63:
I can't remember what it is. I mustn't strain myself. Straining yourself results in horrible wrinkles.
Entry 64:
OMG! I see a gray hair!
Entry 65:
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!!!
Entry 66:
Oh, just kidding. It was just a bit of string from the last time Ayame and Suzumi and I played dress up dolly.
Entry 67:
I played with "Sakura-chan", with her magical Clow Cards. Yes! So kick ass!
Entry 68:
What?! It's really fun if you know how to do the voices right.
Entry 69:
We used the string to play hangman with Yue from Fushigi Yuugi. God, she is SUCH a whore!
Entry 70:
Yue, you will never will Tamahome's heart!
Entry 71:
And besides, he has me. Why would he want a chick like you?
Entry 72:
I am so much sexier than Yue. Yes! I rock!
Entry 73:
Yue sucks! And swallows! Yeah!
Entry 74:
I still can't remember the last thing I had to do on my to-do list.
Entry 75:
"Kenshin! There you are! Why didn't you come home earlier! You have all of Japan to save... Again! Now all of Japan will burn and die and go to the dark place! It's all because... I can't believe you, Kenshin!"
Entry 76:
Oh... So that's what I forgot.
Responses to Reviews:
(If you are signed in, you will be in bold. If not, you will be underlined.)
Lil Rose Angel: Hey Catherine! What's up?! Long time no talk! I'm glad you like this new random creation. Oh god, what was I thinking when I wrote the first chapter? And started on the second chapter? And the third...? Oh wells. As for Sesshie-sama, I'll have you know I've had him on a leash for two and a half years. Yes... I lurve him... He's so precious. He's mucho mucho hot but since this is in Kenshin's POV, I had to put whatever came out. So... I LURVE Fluffy-sama!
NightIntent: Yes, every entry blends in with the previous one, or most of them do anyway. I did that because I'm completely random. I guess this would be more of a... write down whatever Kenshin's thinking kind of story, huh? All the same, I hope you enjoy this!
Nanaki: I'm sure Kenshin's feeling fine... Though we all know that deep inside, it's all about him. The only reason he washes laundry is because he likes to see himself in the water... Yes, he will mention his scar (in particular, chapter 4), and I promise it will be as funny as I can make it.
PhAnToM TOMATO: Fuzzy-sama? Hey! Fluffy-sama has been mine since 2001... Man, that was a long time ago. Oh yes, I adores him. I wrote so much about him back in the day... That was when I was crazy for InuYasha, but now since the category is too full, I kinda left. Pushed out, you know? When I first writing in the section, if you can believe, there were hardly 1000 stories. Anoway, we hi-light an important part... Sesshoumaru-sama is MINE! Haha... On last thing, I'm glad your mom thought this was funny! I tried my hardest to be totally random and out-of-character. Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Midnit Cherry Blossomz: I'm glad you enjoyed this! Personally, I thought I was on chocolate when I wrote this. Yesh, I probably was. Major OOC but still hilarious (I hope). Well, here's the newest chapter! Hope you enjoy this one too!
Iris: Wow, another person who enjoys incredibly stupid journal entries from our favorite ex-Battousai! And you're right about people thinking differently and Kenshin's response to it! Of course he'll start talking about his fine booty!
I won't tell: Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!
Hyojin: Jayyyy! I'm so sorry I didn't call yous! Please, please forgives me! Another story that you'll never finish? Jeez! I mean, another story that you'll be trying to finish? Teehee. You know what I mean. If you finish, I'll give you the money. Ahahahaha! Funny! Talk to you soon!