Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 3: If Jimmy Cracked Corn...
Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Rurouni Kenshin, but I'm screwing them as much as those twisting Cheetos.
Author's Note:
As we all know, when Wicked Enough decides to go all out... She goes all out. It's okay, though, because as soon as school starts she's a serious stone again. Yeah... Seriously stoned. Just kidding, of course. I have my Triple German Chocolate Cake to make me like this. Oh... Yes... drools
Well, go enjoy the crazy stuff!
Entry 77:
Kaoru got all pissy at me because the tofu I got wasn't silky.
And because I was late home.
Entry 78:
Well, excuse me, Kaoru-dono, but I like a little bit of firmness in a... square? Piece? What would you use as a word-y thing before tofu? Well, I like firmness in a bucket of tofu. Yes!
Entry 79:
There is just no stopping me.
Entry 80:
Well, better save Japan now.
Entry 81:
Oh, wait, I should shave first. Just so I can look extra pretty. No truly sexy character would have a six o'clock shadow. Icky.
Entry 82:
Where is that razor anyway? Hmm... I think I left it in the bathhouse but I was sure I took it out so I could see its gleaming blades... Strange...
Entry 83:
I hope Sanosuke didn't borrow it again. Last time it came back with scary stuff on it. God knows what. I had to throw it away... So sad!
Entry 84:
Found the razor! It was in the laundry basket in Kaoru's room... Hm... Oh well.
Entry 85:
SHIT! I nicked myself! Shity shit shit shit! There's blood! AHH!
Entry 86:
"Did you use my razor on your legs again, Kaoru-dono?"
Entry 87:
"No... I used it on my bikini line."
Entry 88:
I will never be the same again. And if this scars... I will eff-ing kill her. I have enough scar tissue on my face, thank you.
Entry 89:
Oh, it's okay. The nick is gone. I shoulda known that it would. I mean, every time I'm close to death I'm back to normal within two days. Oh yes! I am superhuman.
Entry 90:
There is no way I can be human, now that I think of it.
Entry 91:
Raced up that huge giant mountain in Kyoto to find Shisho... You know, my master, the one who refuses to join Alcoholics Anonymous. I swear, when he dies of liver cancer, I will laugh. But I might cry first. Because when I cry I look so sad and cute and all you want to do is hug me to your bosom. Yum... Kaoru-dono's bosom.
Entry 92:
"Shisho, are you sure I'm human?"
"No, dumbass, you're an eff-ing demon! DIE! WAIT! No, you're not. You're human! Yes! Yes you are! Hey, what are you doing?! Don't leave! Buy me sake!"
I think he's drunk. Well, now we know I'm a sexy demon. Rawr...!
Entry 93:
I think I'm forgetting something...
Entry 94:
Oro! Arrived in Tokyo to find the police station burned up. I wonder if that has anything to do with me.
Entry 95:
I distinctly remember being asked to save something... Was I cooking anything? Did I have to save Sanosuke and Yahiko from Kaoru's cooking?
No... That doesn't sound like what I said... Hm...
Entry 96:
That's right! I... I had to buy more tofu!
Entry 97:
"Save us, Battousai-sama! Save us from the horrible sexy villain who might even be more sexy than you are!"
Entry 98:
He... He... He might be more sexy than me?! HE WILL DIE! SCREW MY VOW!
Entry 99:
I will crush his face. And stick my perfect, elegant fingers into his eye sockets. And then I will flay the skin from his possibly sexy chest. And then I will take a staple gun and peel his lips back from his mouth (in the process reveling his possibly perfect white even teeth) and staple them to his ears. And then I will cut those ears off. And then I will shave him. Totally bald. And I will use that hair to start fires. And then... And then I would take him to a delicious little shoe sale, let him find his favorite pair of sandals, and then buy it, from right under his broken nose.
Entry 100:
Hey! Entry number 100! Let's celebrate by killing this little bastard! YEAH!
Entry 101:
101 Dalmatians! Oh, those puppies were so adorable!
Entry 102:
Was woken out of my daydreams of Kaoru-dono in a Dalmatian-fur bikini by a terrified politician, who, of course, grabbed my legs and screamed at me to protect him.
Entry 103:
Eww... He's absolutely grimy! Or is that blood...?
Entry 104:
Saw this newest villain, and I am proud to say that not only is he not as sexy as me, he also has no fashion sense in shoes.
Entry 105:
They're this sort of leather-covered monstrosities. So gross, unlike my cute sandals. Check this out. All of the best characters have pretty shoes. Aoshi has his Italian leather babies. Sano wears bandages (quite handy when you need to tie something together). Soujiro wears sandals, just like me, so he rocks 10 times as much as the rest of them. But this guy... Ugly shoes.
Entry 106:
"You are the legendary Himura Battousai?! Prepare yourself! I will cut you down from where you stand! I will be the strongest, having beat the strongest in the Bakumatsu, which really isn't true because the Shinsengumi were quite good, too, especially Okita, who was very pretty, and Saitou, who is pretty ugly but too bad he's still pretty alive, huh? Anyway, like I was saying, I will kill you and thread your head up on a lantern and play with it like a bunny with a piece of wood, but unfortunately that makes no sense. Well, before I was interrupted by my many fascinating ideas, I was talking about cutting you down like a giant red wood in the forest, which no one hears, but still makes a sound. Right?"
WTF is he talking about? Oh well. I just use the standard "I refuse" reply.
Entry 107:
"I can't do that, that I can't, Mr. Newest Villain. I refuse to fight you... That I do. Not because I have a vow not to kill and that we might accidentally kill random civilians around here, but because you have the ugliest shoes I have ever seen, that I have."
Entry 108:
Oh, damn, the guy burst out crying. I hate it when guys cry. Except for me and Soujiro. We look soooo very cute when we cry. You just want to hug us, even if it is awkward.
Entry 109:
"I HATE YOU, BATTOUSAI! I WILL EAT YOU ALIVE! I WILL BOIL YOU IN NICE HOT WATER AND LET YOU STEW, AND THEN I WILL ADD SOME SALT AND ONIONS AND POTATOES AND CELERY AND CARROTS AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE SIMMERING I WILL ADD PEPPER AND SERVE YOU TO MYSELF ON A MOON-LIT SUMMER NIGHT UNDER THE SHINING STARS AND THE BRIGHT MOON AND THEN I WILL LAUGH! HAHAHAHA!"
Entry 110:
I'm going to walk away and wait for him to find me again. But, until then, I will look for another hot spring. All that time climbing up Mount Sake Daddy has made me sweaty, but not in an entirely ugly way.
Entry 111:
Just one last question, a very deep personal question that could revel to me your very soul... You must answer with complete sincerity. And then... I shall see... Whether you are a McDonald's or Burger King person.
If Jimmy cracked corn, and you don't care... Why are you singing about it?
Responses to Reviews:
FengShuiSensei: Glad you enjoyed it! I haven't written anything this chaotic in a long time, and I thought I'd lost my touch!
NightIntent: Still funny? Good! I hope we can keep it that way!
GreenEyedFloozy: LOL, sexy man Kenshin. That's right, Kenshin, shake that thang! Go Miroku, go Miroku! Make them dance! Yeah!
Midnite Cherry Blossomz: Hope this wasn't too late for you, since it's only been three days! However, I'm so happy off of Sparkling Apple Cider that anything's possible! Hope you had a nice holiday!
ForgottenDreamsUnshedTears: Don't die, don't die! A most sadistic death planned by me. Death by laughter... Sigh. LOL! I don't know what made me write the part about the dead boss, but I thought was pretty funny, so I did. Hope you enjoyed it!
Fhire: I hope your friend doesn't see this, as I'd like to keep my head. Can you tell me why it was annoying? If it's something I can change, I might reconsider and do just that!
Al: Wow, someone actually read by bio? Amazing... Just kidding. Thanks for the half-birthday wish, and a happy new year to you, too! Oh yes... Sesshie-sama... That yummy, yummy demon indeed.
Sanika111981: You agree with the Sesshoumaru part? Glad to know I'm not completely crazy!
Rachridgeback: Laughing gas got to you? And I thought that stuff doesn't work! I'm glad you enjoyed this... sinister amount of insane comedy by an author that loves to write angst. It's very contradicting, huh? Well, here's more for you to read and laugh over!
X-iridescence: This is the true side of Kenshin Himura. We all know it... He just doesn't admit it. Teehee. I'm mostly a drama/romance/angst writer, but it felt good to write about something completely nuts-so.