Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 4: Terrifying-ly Kinky
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. That's why this website is called fanfiction. See. Everything is justified.
Author's Note:
Just a short note this time, as I'm sure most of your are skipping this anyway, and besides, I don't have much to say. Hopefully, because I'm writing most of this at night, I can update every week to 10 days. If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to spew them out. I love them! Thank you all for the reviews from last time!
And PS, if this chapter isn't as funny as the other ones, I'm sorry. Part of this chapter is one large inside joke, but it should still prove to be funny. I mean, who doesn't like terrifying-ly kinky stuff?
Entry 112:
Kaoru-dono was so surprised when I came home unscathed.
"Kenshin, Kenshin, are you alright?! Talk to me! Please, Kenshin, if you can't walk, don't force yourself—Hey! You're perfectly fine! Oh, whatever. Don't forget to get some tofu later!"
Entry 113:
I am so pretty...
Entry 114:
I think this scar makes me look dangerously hot. Rawr.. Man, look at that thing! It's just so... cross-shaped and sexy. And with the red-gold hair and the amethyst/amber eyes... And that lean, but muscular body... And my ass...
Entry 115:
Oo, it's getting hot in here! So take off all my clothes!
Entry 116:
Yum, yum. Kenshin on a plate.
Entry 117:
God, look at all those wanna-be people with cross-shaped scars. Especially in that one series, Rayearth. I mean, seriously! That Ferio guy... That Geo guy... That adorable Mokona! Wait... Mokona didn't have a scar... Never mind, then.
Entry 118:
Have you ever noticed how many animals are in Rurouni Kenshin? Saitou the Stupid is a wolf, but he will never be my alpha male. Kaoru-dono the Yummy is a raccoon, which is stupid, because she should really be a sex kitten. Sano the Sexy is a rooster, and therefore I can call him cocky whenever I want to... Or cockmaster... Or Viagra-man... And that now we know why he's always chewing on fish... boners... Megumi the Oversexed Nympho is a fox, which makes sense. Misao-dono the Mantle-less is a weasel, which, of course, makes zero sense. And what, Sesshoumaru the Pretty Damn Fine is a dog? Ooo... Well, he can be my bitch any day.
Entry 119:
What animal is sexy enough for me? None, that's what. No furry little thang is hot enough for me!
Entry 120:
If Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care... If Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care...
Entry 121:
Ayame came upon this sexy ex-Battousai with the strangest look on her innocent face.
"Uncle Kenny...?"
"Yes, Ayame-chan?'
"What are you singing to yourself? It makes Ayame think that you're smoking something."
"... ..."
"Ayame would like two of them, if you are."
Entry 122:
Children are so sweet these days.
Entry 123:
But even if she is sweet, I will never give her 'two of them'. Those babies are all mine.
Entry 124:
Though, with Megumi around, I'm not surprised Ayame-chan knows about joints.
Entry 125:
I should go up and wash myself up, as feeling dirty is nasty.
Entry 126:
Whoa... I think I got knocked unconscious by something and woke up in a closet. All I remember is going to a hot spring and then... Err... I think I was undressed, too.
Entry 127:
NO! It's the rabid fangirls! Noooo!
Entry 128:
Shit! I knew I should have gone higher up the mountain!
Entry 129:
Found my kidnappers, who are all rabid fangirls. But kidnappers and rabid fangirls are sort of a, what do you call them, cinna... Sena... Synonyms!
Entry 130:
Though I could easily break free of these restraints, I shall humor them.
"How did I get here, that I wonder?"
"We knocked you out with a daikon radish and then brought you here to be undressed slowly and tortured with the most terrifying-ly kinky whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries money could buy."
Entry 131:
NOOOOOOOO! Not the whipped cream! Not the whipped cream!
Entry 132:
Kaoru-dono, where are you when I need you to knock out other chicks who have the hots for me?
Entry 133:
When I had that one entry earlier, about how it was getting hot in here and that you needed to take off all my clothes, I was just kidding. You know that, right?
Entry 134:
They just took off the wrapper on the can of whipped cream.
Entry 135:
They are slowly stripping me of my shirt. Thing.
Entry 136:
They are shaking the cans of whipped cream.
Entry 137:
YES! I AM SAVED! Some guy just ran into here and smashed the door down!
Entry 138:
It's that guy from the last chapter!
Entry 139:
And he still has those pretty shoes. Well, pretty ugly, that is.
Entry 140:
"Help me, guy-that-wants-to-fight-me-and-mortally-wound-me-even-though-you-have-ugly-shoes!"
Entry 141:
"Now why would I do that, Battousai? I knew that you would sudden get the Urge to Herbal, even though if you use too much of that stuff you start getting addicted to it like Edy's Double Fudge Brownie Ice Cream, so I told all the rabid fangirls that were stalking you for the last couple hours that you would go up some mountain to wash yourself slowly and sensually. They, of course, stationed themselves accordingly. Then I told them that the only way to knock out a swordsman without getting hurt themselves was with a daikon radish. Well, they got their radishes and they got ready to play. Then, just like in the plan, you went to the hot springs, and they attacked. Now, I know for a fact that the ten kinkiest foods in the world include chocolate sauce and whipped cream in a can. I supplied them with that. And what other way to make this experience even more horrifying? With strawberries, of course. Now... They will lick you all over! Finally, my revenge! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Entry 142:
Dude, this guy needs help. Mental and fashion, of course.
Entry 143:
"Dude, you need help. Mental and fashion, of course.
Entry 144:
"After all this time, you still mock me! Do you not know how much terrifying-ly kinky danger you are? You could be slowly smothered in chocolate sauce and whipped cream and licked up and down. Then, they could dip strawberries onto you and eat them right in front of your eyes! Aren't you terrified?!"
Entry 145:
Great. I'm stuck with a freakishly bad-fashion-sensed freak-a-zoid, terrifying-ly kinky fangirls, and whipped cream. The only way this can get worse is if Kaoru-dono suddenly walked in and saw me like this.
Entry 146:
Kaoru-dono just walked in. Now who didn't see that coming?!
Entry 147:
"Kenshin! How did you get here? I mean... The Terrifying-ly Kinky Fangirl's Club is restricted to fangirls and poofs only! Wait... You're this week's victim? I mean... This week's sponsor?"
"KAORU-DONO! You mean you enjoy attacking bathing bishonen, who are never as hot as me, but almost are, as in Kamui's case? And with large, hard, and long daikon radishes, too? And then tying them up, and bringing them to your little closets and torturing them slowly by stripping them of their shirts and then smothering them with the most terrifying-ly kinky whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries that money can buy, then slowly licking it off?! Why, Kaoru-dono, why?!"
Entry 148:
"Kenshin, do you mean to say that you wouldn't enjoy grabbing me as I was bathing, then knock me out painlessly and bring me to a closet to torture me with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries by licking it off?"
Entry 149:
She has a point going there.
Responses to Reviews:
Lil Rose Angel: Are you serious?! I swear to all things terrifying-ly kinky and Sesshoumaru that I sent a review to your story! And it was hella long, too! And witty! And cute! Argh! I'll have to re-think it again. Stupid (no, I love you, Xing! Don't block me from this website!). Oh no! You figured out my scheme to kill you without laying a hand on you! I didn't... Really... Er... Do it? runs away
Cedahlia: Oh no! You caught me as I was writing something incredibly stupid and random! But... I also see what you see: Kenshin, snuggled into a corner, writing furiously into a small pink diary. It's quite frightening. (PS: I believe that in the first chapter, the word sexy was used 23 times. I was wondering how many times I could squeeze it in...)
GreenEyedFloozy: Darn! Another one in hysterics! Where's the medics?!
AtakofRandomHarbrshofEvlishDOOM: (That has got to be one of the longest pen names I've ever seen!) I love that "I'm so Sexy" song, too! Actually, I got that idea for this story from the South Park parody of it—it's hilarious.
Kiwigirl89: You know, I've never actually watched Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? But... Since I have a little time on my hands, I might as well go rent it, huh? I'm glad you enjoyed the insanity that has been threatening to burst for about two years now!
PhAnToM TOMATO: Yes! Go Battousai! drools So... Hot. Good solution to the great Sess debates! Hope you still enjoy this story!
Hyojin: Jay, before you call me and start cracking up insanely, first remember to breathe. Take deep, deep breaths. Try not to suffocate. Breathe, Jay, breathe!
X-iridecence: Yes, you can feel the maturity bursting from Uncle Kenny.
Rachridgeback: Breathe, RRB! BREATHE! Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care!
NightIntent: I loved the last chapter, too, but it was because of the Dalmation puppies. I thought that was funky. Teehee. I'm glad you liked the shoes part, though!
Bunnyfluff: Another reader! Goodie! Hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the other one!
Midnite Cherry Blossomz: Thank you! I did have a nice holiday, filled with lots of food! Here's the next chapter! Enjoy!
Phi-Dono: Did you like the scar part? I didn't make it as "crazy" as I would have liked to, but I guess you can't have everything in the world, huh? Have fun with this chapter!
Sanika111891: Am I calling you crazy? Of course not! Err... Maybe. But probably anyone who reads this is absolutely mad. And yes, SBD! Are you sure we don't know each other? My friends and I have the same term! shares cake It's all good. XD!