Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 5: Ohm... Inner Sexiness
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or that one 50 First Date's quote... But I do own the crazy guy with bad shoes!
Author's Note:
I'm so, so, so sorry! I had finals this week, and I just barely survived. I had this chapter ready last week, but I forgot to update it on a weekend... Forgive me! Also, sorry for the pathetic chapter below. I think I spent some of myself out when I went all out on that last chapter. Of course, I already have some naughty ideas for the next chapter (which include weight gain and spanking, courtesy of Kiwigrl89), so just you wait!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed! You totally made my day... And... If it's not too much to ask... DO THE SAME AGAIN! One of you (I'm thinking of a number...), will get to read my soon-to-be posted (hopefully, as I'm still waiting for permission from the original series creator) one-shot, SETA SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual, inspired by Theresa Green and Hikari Hrair-r!
Entry 150:
Kaoru-dono's tongue is just so talented. Oh yes, Kaoru!
Entry 151:
I never knew whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries could be used for such purposes. Ooo!
Entry 152:
Oh, stop, Kaoru! My nipples are just so sensitive!
Entry 153:
"Uncle Kenny! Wake up! What happened?"
"Yeah, Uncle Kenny! Are you okay? What's wrong with your nipples again?"
Entry 154:
Oh, shit no. There is no fucking way that this could be a dream. No. Fucking. Way.
Entry 155:
Again, who didn't see this happening?!
Entry 156:
"Uncle Kenny, Suzumi and me looked for you everywhere and then we found you in the forest without your shirt! What happened? Is this like the last time when you went out and had fun with chains?"
Entry 157:
Yum... Chains are so kinky. As kinky as whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries.
Entry 158:
The only thing possibly more kinky other than those are probably whips. Dude, whips are so kinky. And so are handcuffs. If Kaoru-dono was a cop, I'd go out of my way to get arrested, just so she can push me against a wall and handcuff me.
Entry 159:
Ooo, pat down!
Entry 160:
Warm... Warmer... You're getting hot! Oh yes, sizzling!
Entry 161:
Drool...
Entry 162:
"UNCLE KENNY!"
Entry 163:
Oh, right.
"I'm fine, Ayame-chan, Suzumi-chan. I was just bathing... I guess the fangirls attacked me again."
"Oh... Like that really happened, Uncle Kenny."
Entry 164:
I wasn't lying! I mean, I would never lie to them! I'd only lie to Kaoru-dono if she asked me where I have been for the last few hours. Or was it a dream? Well, the only way to find it...
"Have you two girls seen Kaoru-dono?"
"Yeah... Ayame and me saw her go into her room carrying a can of whipped cream and a daikon radish."
Entry 165:
Slap me.
Entry 166:
Actually, don't. That hurts like crazy. And it might bruise me.
Entry 167:
Walking to Kaoru-dono's room. Don't know why her room is so far away from the house... Jesus, you'd think that since there's so many rooms, she'd live in one that was closer to the courtyard. Thing.
Entry 168:
Heard singing as I walked towards Kaoru-dono's room.
Entry 169:
"I'm a bitch, I'm a lover. I'm a child, I'm a mother..."
Entry 170:
Why does that sound like Sanosuke and Yahiko?
Entry 171:
I'll go check—and maybe join them, once I'm done with ravishing Kaoru-dono. Err... Did I say ravish? I meant, talk to.
Entry 172:
Oh, what if she attacks me and starts ravishing me? Actually, I'm not quite sure I would be mad over that, if you know what I mean.
Entry 173:
What I'm saying is, if I were Kaoru-dono, I would ravish me.
Entry 174:
I'm so sexy. Ahhh... It feels good to say it.
Entry 175:
It's like when Aoshi meditates—he told me—he just thinks, "Ohm... Inner peace... I am so sexy... But Kenshin is so much hotter... And he makes me blush and drool... Ohm..."
Entry 177:
Okay, so maybe I added a little to that statement.
Entry 178:
But, as we all know, he does have the hots for me. Why else do you think he goes off with that lame excuse, "I want to kill you so I can place upon the Oniwa-Bags&Shoes the title of the prettiest—I mean, strongest."
Entry 179:
It's so sad to see what had so much potential when he was young turn into something like... This. It almost makes me stare at myself in a mirror to make myself feel better.
Entry 180:
Banged into Kaoru-dono as I paced outside her door, wondering whether I should stare at myself first or talk to her first.
Entry 181:
She leered—yes, leered—at me.
"Did you get the tofu, Kenshin?"
Entry 182:
Wait... That has to be the wrong line. The correct line would be, 'Kenshin, you sexy beast, you... Come back for more whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries?'
Entry 183:
"Iie, Kaoru-dono... Sessha apologizes for sessha's horrid memory, de gozaru yo."
Entry 184:
"Oh Kami! What's happened to you? You're... You're speaking Japanese that most people can't understand and are usually used incorrectly, anyway! Dammmmeeeeeeee!"
"Oh no! Kaoru-dono, you have it too! You just said 'dame'!"
"Ahhh! Nani will we do, Kenshin?"
"Sessha has no fucking clue, Kaoru-dono, de gozaru yo!"
"Kenshin, you said fuck!"
"Why, yes, Kaoru-dono, yes, I did."
"Hey, except for the 'dono', which you use anyway, you sound like you're back to normal!"
"Whew, that gave me a scare!"
"I guess it means that we have to curse so we don't become—gasp—Japanese!"
Entry 185:
"You can do fucking better than that, bitch! Louder! Scream it louder!"
"Yes, shithead! FUCKKK YOU!!!!!"
"PLEASE DO, WHOREFACE!"
Entry 186:
Sano and Yahiko just ran in.
Entry 187:
Oops.
Entry 188:
I've been put under house arrest by everyone.
Entry 189:
Megumi-dono keeps grinning at me!
Entry 190:
"I heard that you got into a little bit of trouble, Ken-san... I can make it all better..."
Entry 191:
She is such a slut. And you all know that she's sleeping with Sanosuke. And Aoshi, too.
Entry 192:
Though... I wouldn't mind if she and Kaoru-dono pushed me into a closet... Drool... Man, I love a woman who takes control.
Entry 193:
I should start putting whips and handcuffs in their rooms, just so they get a few ideas. Sanosuke can join if he brings more chocolate sauce.
Entry 194:
OMG!!! FINALLY! It arrived!
Entry 195:
It's... So... Beautiful. I want to just rip off... Whatever's on it and ravish it. I want to thrust into that damn... Jesus...
Entry 196:
Damn, it's getting so hot in here... I mean, just looking at it makes me want to go, "Yeah, that's right, biatch... Faster! Harder!"
Entry 197:
If I could take it everywhere. Man, if you here a lot of noises in the middle of the night, going, "You're... So... Beautiful...", it'll be me.
Entry 198:
I'm drooling again. And sweating up a storm, but in a good way.
Entry 199:
"KENSHIN! Your mirror finally got here! Oh... You already found it."
Responses to Reviews:
Lil Rose Angel: AHAHAHA! I remember that time! I kept saying the strangest thing right after you typed, 'And Joe said...' That was some good stuff, and a lot of insanity! Well, I have to say, I do (SHHH!) think that Sessie is hotter, than Kenshin, but I can't tell either of them that! But Aoshi is muchos pretty, too. Give me until next week, when finals are over, and I'll write you a huge review, promise! When you burst, I'll be sure to tell Sess to strip on top of your grave... drool
Cedahlia: You know, I thought chapter 4 was actually one of my more stupid ones, but a lot of people did say that it was their favorite! I guess the whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries just make us all drool like mad.
Phi-Dono: The ideas for this story come from everyday life. I swear it. Like the part about strawberries, whipped cream, and chocolate sauce... That's from my AIM conversation with my friend. Also, many parts of this come from movie parodies, or are strongly influenced by South Park music. All in all, the ideas are my friends and me on chocolate ice cream. XD Here's the (late) new chapter. Enjoy!
Hyojin: You can do it! Breathe! Just think of Angelina Joliee and Brad Pitt! Oh wait... That makes us more drool... Yum yum. I'll call you soon, girlies! And oh, lucky you is done with finals!
CrazyObsessedw/RK: Don't die on me, but roll on the floor as much as you want! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
Pyramidgirl89: Tell me about it! This is my finals 'stress-ball', if you know what I mean... They're next week and I'm squirming like mad! Thanks for the band recommendation–I'll check them out right away!
Sanika111891: Nope, can't say I have ever met you, but I have been to Lima, Ohio (yes, Lima. As in, the bean.)! That horrible Mr. NO-SENSE-OF-FASHION-SLASH-FREAKAZOID! Luckily, I have him tied up in my closet right now... For now, that is. I'll go and read your fanfic as soon as finals are over, which is next week. Thanks for the recommendation! (And yep, I'm a woman! At least, last time I checked I was... JK!)
Anonymous miss: Glad I have a new reader who thinks this is funny and scary at the same time! You rock!
Venus Goddess: You're the second one to cry reading this story, this chapter! I can't believe I made people cry! Wahh! Teehee. JK, of course. Yes, I have read the Georgia Nicolson diaries, and I love them! Go Dave the Laugh!
X-iridescence: Glad you enjoyed it!
Midnite cherry blossomz: I was listening to Nelly at the time, so I guess the hot in here stuff was influenced by that! Ayame is so cute! Just wait–I have more planned for her!
Twilight Amarathine: Third person to cry! I'm so bad I make people sad! Wahhhh! I'm just kidding, of course, and I'm so glad you like this story!
Leah T: Here you go–more!
Slow Motion Runner: You know, I'm such a hypocrite that I have to say that I usually hate reading OOC stuff, too! However, sometimes you just need a little bit of insanity to make you happy. Thanks for reviewing and stay tuned for new, insane chapters!
NightIntent: Who doesn't enjoy whipped cream torture like us, huh?! Now, I wouldn't mind being one of those fangirls with the whipped cream!
GreenEyedFloozy: Come with me and we'll both join that rabid fangirl's club! I wanna, too! Ooo... Teenage Koenma... that sounds yummy with a large smothering of whipped cream! I LOVE YOU, TOO! Teehee.
xZig-zagx: Glad you liked it! Here's a new (and probably not as good) chapter for you!
Kiwigrl89: I always watch the first episodes of American Idol. The rest of them are kind of boring, and not as funny. That spanking idea sounds good... It may show up in future chapters, and you will get credit for it!
Forest Scion: Whipped cream is a god. Or kinky goddess. In any case, it keeps me happy. XD.
Kitty-Chan: I'm glad you enjoyed it! I tried making Kenshin absolutely as conceited as he could possibly be. Here's the late chapter!