Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 9: Bring On the Blouse Bunnies!
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but that's okay because I own Sesshoumaru. Oh... Damn, wait, that's not mine either. Life's not fair! I also don't own some song lyrics included in this.
Author's Note:
Whoa! You guys are like, mad reviewers. And I love you for it. You guys make me write more! And... Guess what? It's summer! W00t! That means lots of writing for me and lots of reading for you all! I still have summer classes, but what are they to me when I can write forever in you? Yay! Happy days.
Just as a note, does anyone think that this story is getting old? Should I stop it soon? Should I just stop it now? Is it still as hilarious as you guys make me think it is? Send me a holla! And no one complain about length of the chapter! It was extra long because of the summer.
Entry 400:
I see you looking at me... Like I'm some kind of freak!
Entry 401:
I must be a freak of nature because I am just way to sexy. There is no way a common guy could be as spicy as me.
Entry 402:
Haha, if we were all foods, I would have a little chili next to me, like in those Chinese restaurant menus, because I'm extra spicy!
Entry 403:
Oh shit... There's Saitou at the dojo door again. What's he want this time?
Entry 404:
If he's here to ask me out one more time, I'm going to tell Tokio.
Entry 405:
"Tokio-dono, your husband has been trying to get me into his pants... Which, I hope you know, went out of fashion last revolution. Duh."
Entry 406:
OH SHIT.
Entry 407:
"Is the Battousai here? I need to speak with him. There has been numerous reports of a naked man running around. He as a very nice tan and quite fast."
Entry 408:
"Ahahah... Good morning, Saitou!"
Entry 409:
"Kenshin, Saitou says that there's a streaker running around loose here! You should help him find this guy! What if... What if Ayame and Suzume say him?"
Entry 410:
Thank you, Kaoru-dono. And no, I'm not being sarcastic.
Entry 411:
We all know Ayame and Suzume already saw a naked guy, and he wasn't streaking. Hot dog my ass.
Entry 412:
Fine ass, if I may add.
Entry 413:
"Kenshin? Kenshin! Pay attention! The state of innocence for children may be ruined because of this freak!"
Entry 414:
"Well..." Insert manly chuckle here. "Maybe that guy just lost his clothes. Because that happens when you're tanning naked on roofs and there's strange breezes."
Entry 415:
"Battousai, I'd like to speak to you in private."
Entry 416:
You ever get that really bad sinking feeling? Like... When your boobs start to sag? Or like, when you're eating a cake that you thought was fat free, then it turns out to be empty-calory rich? Or when you suddenly realize that you've spilled the beans and now you're in trouble... And you're gonna get a spanking?
Yes, I have that spanking feeling. Err... Sinking feeling.
Entry 417:
"Saitou, what would you like to talk to me about? Is there a new ex-assassin after all of us?"
Insert crap glare here. "Battousai, don't act dumb. You know who has been streaking."
"I-it wasn't my fault!"
"You should have told that ahou that he would have been seen!"
"Sano?"
"Yes, who else?"
Entry 418:
The spanking feeling has passed.
Entry 419:
"If you knew he was going to run around town naked, showing his tiny rooster to the world... Why the hell didn't you tell me so I could stare with you?"
Entry 420:
The spanking feeling has returned.
Entry 421:
I am talking to a full fledged gay.
Entry 422:
We 'both-lovers' don't like them very much.
Entry 423:
"Err... Saitou, don't you have a wife and several kids to go back home to?"
Entry 424:
"That's not an excuse for not telling me there's a naked guy running around town, showing off his buddy to the world! You know I'm not in the Shinsengumi anymore, so forget looking for Okita around here!"
Entry 425:
Hmm... He has many names for the word penis. But then again, his is so incompetent in that anatomic department, it doesn't deserve to even be called that for him. A nub, maybe.
Entry 426:
Unlike moi. Muahahaha!
Entry 427:
What else can I call them? There's... Cock. How's-your-father. Weiner. Manhood. Apples and Bananas. Anaconda. Johnson. Wang. (1) Err... Why can't I think of any more?
Entry 428:
I know so many more for 'breast'. Like... Boobs. Hoo-has. Talent. Johnny Yellows. Tits. Bosom. Bazooka. Coconuts. Headlights. Jugs. Rack. Boobies. Double Lotus Peaks. Big McDuffs. Chi Chi's. Blouse Bunnies. Udder. Boulders. Top Bullocks. Puppies. Dolly Partons. Chubbies. The list just goes on and on...
Entry 429:
It's not my fault I'm more straight than bi. I just like titties too much.
Entry 430:
This reminds me too much of a conversation I was having with Sanosuke a while ago when we were surfing the sites Kaoru-dono kindly told us about. We were talking about the different kinds of lemons. There's dirty lemons, romantic lemons, and scientific lemons.
Entry 431:
Dirty Lemons: They will use the word cock a lot. And sweat. Lots of sweat and panting. Possible screaming and bathroom stalls. Yum... Bathroom stalls... Possibly bondage. Yum... Bondage...
Romantic Lemons: They will use the word manhood and flower. Or manliness. There's lots of candles and roses. Or waterfalls. And there's a lot about taking it slow or something. And the couple usually climaxes together.
Scientific Lemons: They will use the word scrotum. (Snort) And the word areola. (Giggle) And labia. (Chuckle) And possibly phallus.
Entry 432:
Did you know that a phallus is also a family of tree fungus? Imagine that.
Entry 433:
You could be a biologist and go to some guy, "Do you have a good specimen of the Phallus Genus?"
And they'd go, "Yes. It's huge and edible. Care to see?"
Entry 434:
Ewww... I forgot Saitou was still here.
Entry 435:
"Hey, Battousai, did you know you have over 200 bones in your body?"
Entry 436:
Yes, asshole. And every single one of them are sexier than yours.
Entry 437:
"You wanna have one more in there?"
Entry 438:
Pervert! I hate it when people take silence for a 'yes'!
Though... That is a pretty good pickup line. Wonder how Kaoru-dono would react to that. Snicker.
Entry 439:
She'd probably want more than one extra bone in her... Naughty girl. Seeing what a Rabid Fangirl she is.
Entry 440:
The only one who deserves to have a lap dance and an extra bone in her (other than Kaoru-dono of course) at the moment is Kai, because she spelled that damn word from Anger Management right.
Entry 441:
You know you're famous when you find things you say in people's bios.
Entry 442:
Macho, macho man!
Entry 443:
Actually, that's not really my type of song... Mine is more like... I'm Too Sexy and I'm So Pretty... And possibly that Rape Me song. Well, it depends on who's doing the raping.
Entry 444:
You know, I'm feeling an ominous miasma at the moment...
Entry 445:
OMFG! I gained half a pound! Those bastards!
Entry 446:
I wonder what else OMFG could stand for... Like... Old Men Fuck Good...
Entry 447:
Whoa, I just choked there.
Entry 448:
I suddenly had an image of a naked Jiya in my head. He was dancing to that Banana song...
Entry 449:
It was censored, you nasty minded fangirls!
Entry 450:
This shit is BANANAS! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
Entry 451:
Okay... Even though I am beautiful and gorgeous and delicious and etcetera, I still don't get that. Why is shit like bananas? What's wrong with bananas anyway? They tend to remind me of me, thank you. Haha. Only I'm slightly bigger. And not yellow.
Entry 452:
I tend to stay away from yellow things.
Entry 453:
Ahaha, but Sanosuke doesn't! We were taking a quiz for what condom flavor we were, because, as we all know, Sano gets turned on by that kind of thing. (This is probably why he went to Megumi, now that I think about it... Eww! I've created a monster!) Anyway, he was a banana flavored condom.
Entry 454:
I was chocolate, thank you very much.
Entry 455:
Dark, rich, and creamy. Kinda like me.
Entry 456:
"Kenshin, what do you think is a better color for me? Blue or yellow? I need to get a new kimono made since you bled on the other one."
Entry 457:
How about nude?
Entry 458:
Oh, naughty Kenshin. You are as naughty as Aoshi when he gets riled up about honor and meditating!
Entry 459:
Not that I would have personal experience with Aoshi acting naughty!
Entry 460:
It's not personal if it's caught on tape. Rules are rules.
Entry 461:
"Kenshin! Blue or yellow?"
"Kaoru-dono, this unworthy one thinks you look beautiful in every color."
Entry 462:
She giggled, if you can believe. I'm just too good. But, to stay looking that good, I can't bang her yet.
Entry 463:
I really would bang her until she was unconscious. I have the stamina of a whore. Probably because I am a whore. A man whore.
Entry 464:
Can't touch this! You knew from the moment you saw me that I was a gigolo.
Entry 465:
I love saying that... Gigolo. Sounds like jello but doesn't shake as much.
Entry 466:
Whoa! Holy shit! A daikon radish almost hit me from nowhere!
Entry 467:
Looks like I won't have to go out to by dinner! Good luck for the sex god.
Entry 468:
Hmm... There's something carved onto a it. I can almost make it out...
Entry 469:
"hey thurr ken-sama/battousai-baby. if u want kaoru (st00pid bitch) bak then u'd cum & get her & make sure ur ready 4 lots of fun when u get here becuz we will. bring ur biggest sword (wink). u kno who dis iz & where 2 find us."
Entry 470:
What atrocious spelling! And no one calls me Battousai-baby except for a few choice people who will not be revealed. They are the elite in my heart of hearts.
Entry 471:
Gasp! The daikon radish! The Ken-sama statement! The horrible spelling! It... It... It's the Teenage Rabid Fangirls from hell! I'm doomed! I'll never get Kaoru back from them!
Entry 472:
Ah, who cares about Kaoru anyway? No way in hell am I going to go back up that damn mountain and get tied to a chair and tortured with whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and strawberries. No one is that important.
Entry 473:
"Uh... Kenshin, you have to. You signed the infamous 'Hero' contract. That means you have to rescue your beloved whether you want to or not."
Entry 474:
Damn narrator's voice! Damn you to hell!
Entry 475:
Sigh... But the voice is right. I will have to go up the mountain to rescue Kaoru. I will face the lick torture and the cheesy pickup lines. I will endure the giggles. It is because I signed that damned contract from hell.
Entry 476:
Well, I least I won't have to find anything to wear. They did tell me to come naked. Let's look on the bright side! Maybe I'll get a 'reward' afterwards!
Responses to Reviews:
Strawberry'd: A hot dog, dear. I am a bit trippy when I write this, so sometimes things will be twisted. Like the hot dog. We're lucky it wasn't a sausage, aren't we? There isn't a semblance of plot... Because there is no plot. But there probably is a semblance, now that you remind me of it. XP
pyramidgirl89: Yep! It was right before my finals weekend, too, so I knew that everyone needed a final push! Now that summer is here, they'll be plenty of updates!
Phi-Dono: Thank you, thank you! I try to keep this story as fresh as possible, while still making things as zany as can be. Have as many mental pictures as you want–I have them flashing all the time, which is probably why I drool so much. XD
x-iridescence: As you can see, most of my stories are heavily dramatic and angst-filled, so this is my outlet. Sometimes you just need to let loose and be random! Glad you like my random mind!
en route: Sorry about the short chapter last chapter! This one was extra long for ya! Enjoy!
Tera McCaslin: Kenshin was in a tight spot with the sunbathing, but at least he got a pleasant breeze 'round his privates! Or, should be say, not so privates anymore!
Lil Rose Angel: Honey, you are so naive you make me smile a little. When I say hot dog, I'm using "Jen Slang" for penis. And when I say "he couldn't get it away", it means Sano had an erection. And when he asked Megumi to get rid of it, it meant he wanted sex. I have just made you a little less innocent, and that makes me feel good. Now I'm smiling a lot more. XP
Bethy-kun: I'm so glad Kenshin still cracks you up! I've tried making him as original as can be. As for Sano's hot dog... Well, here's a little reason why: I was munching on a hot dog. Which is sick and wrong, but it serves its purpose. o.O
GreenEyedFloozy: Sano's big hot dog, I might add. I'm SO glad you still enjoy this crazy story!
Cedahlia: I am a very wrong person, and on so many different levels. How do I come up with this stuff? If you must know, most of the things that happen to Kenshin have either happened to me, or has happened to someone I know. Sunbathing on a roof? My friend was sunbathing in her bikini and fell asleep. What she didn't know was that we undid the ties. (–smiles–)
kawaii meeh: I'm so glad you think this is hilarious! Here's a new chapter for ya!
marstanuki: Kenshin does have a huge ego! It's just as big as his... Ahem. (–smiles innocently–) Here's a new chappy! Enjoy!
Kiwigrl89: The best day of the month? Well, here's a second best day for you! You know, I do have an idea for Misao and Aoshi coming into the fic... but it's still in the planning stages. Wait, now I'm lying. I have no planning stages. This is just a spur-of-the-moment type, and it just happens to be random enough to make people laugh!
L1Ldumie TK: You are just as random as me, m'dear. That story with bird shit? That could be a part of a story like this. Most of the things in this story has happened/been said/been done by either me or a friend. It just shows you how fun reality is!
Inu-Lena: I'm glad you liked the too sexy for my shirt part! Enjoy the rest of the story and thanks for the review!
Anonyma: OMGWTF is usually the general reaction to new readers, and sorry for the short chapters! I have a hard time writing long chapters... Probably because I can't concentrate (–cough–ADD) for long periods of time. Yes, the pics Ken-chan did are for a magazine, for publicity on his book! You know, having Kaoru see those pictures is actually a good idea... (–plots–)
Rachridgeback: You know, I got the inspiration for the hotdog part because... I was eating a hot dog! It's so wrong in so many levels, but it works out fine, doesn't it? I'm so glad that you still adore this story! It makes my heart (–cough– What heart?) swell with joy!
Setine: My life must be genius, because this whole thing is inspired by it! Thank my nutty friends for spurring me to do stupid things!
venus goddess: I'd like to think I was psychic enough to pop out with chapters to cheer people up! Last time, I updated because of finals–everyone needs a little push for that! This time, it's a celebration for summer and more free time!
Shenyu: Sano was showing Megumi hotdogs, but the children saw anyway. (–grin–) Sano is a very naughty boy!
midnite cherry blossomz: Well, the Boobzilla story goes like this: Once upon a time, in 8th grade, there was a nutsy girl (moi!) and her lovely friends. They were in PE, getting weighed because PE teachers are sadists and like to snicker about how fat you've gotten. They were all breathing out sighs of relief when their last friend came out of the weighing room (yes, they called it 'the weighing room'). She was close to tears. Why? Because she weighed 130 pounds. Now, she has a very large... rack, so the nutsy was trying to make her feel better. Thus, she said, "Don't worry! 30 of those pounds are your boobs! You're like... Boobzilla! Watch out for the 7th graders! You don't want to knock them out! ACK! Building corner! Don't turn too fast!" And that's the Boobzilla story. It was a lot funnier at the moment. (–grins–)
NightIntent: That last part was a dire wish to make everyone remember how crazy I was, and am. Hopefully, this chapter was just as hilarious!
Skitzoflame: Glad you love the random-osity! Here's a new chapter–enjoy the crazy flava!
celestial-angel40: It's supposed to be scary, dear. That's how I get people to read it. (–laughs maniacally–)
Nameless: You are a very naughty girl. Or boy. If you're a boy, I want to meet you. (–wink–) If you're a girl, I so agree!
Chixxy: Ah! That song. It's called "I'm a Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I remember singing it on the bus when I was in 5th grade... O.o Oh dear. So that's how I turned out this way!
AmnarRanma: You know what I just realized? Amnar is Ranma spelled backwards. O.o Ignore me. I'm retarded (as you can see –points to her story–) like that. Well, at least it's still hilarious for ya!
Hello: I do have a plan to bring more Aoshi into the story, and there was more Saitou for you. I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not an Aoshi/Misao fan. (–cringes–) I'm a Soujiro/Misao fan! However, I might still have some clashing... (–grins evilly–) Don't worry, when that happens... Ugly people will get hurt and strong men will fall. Fangirls like us, however, will be relatively unscathed. XD