Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 10: Nipple Twiddling and Whatnot
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but fortunately, I have a master plan to run away with the (–cough–MALE–cough–) characters, where they will join my harem of lurve. Also, any song lyrics (such as I'm Turning Japanese, by The Vapors) included are not mine.
Author's Note:
What started off as an outlet for all my crazy emotions has turned out to be a grand adventure down the road of bi-ism. Fear not, boys! I am still as straight... as straight as... um... Oh, whatever. I'm still straight, okay! Anyway, this story has been a lot of fun, but I'm thinking of ending it around the 15-18th chapter or so, for personal reasons as well as mental. XD Don't worry, though! I'll think up new stories, or I might do a follow-up for another character!
WOW! I never knew so many people read this! Over 150 hits for chapter 9 in three days (and yet, so few of you review!) Thanks, as always, to the people who reviewed and added me to your favorite's list. This is, by favorite's list standards, my most popular story! For those of you who don't review, please do so! Show your support for loving Kenshin when he's a bit ballsy. (–grin–)
Entry 477:
Before I go, I need a few necessities. Luckily, I already have a tan. Now I must ready my mind with heavy meditation.
Entry 478:
Watching Snow White with Ayame and Suzume to get used to the woodsy feel.
Entry 479:
My, I'm glad Kaoru-dono doesn't act like that princess. At least the prince has got it right... If the babe is hot, bang her. Who cares if she's a servant or a princess, right?
Entry 480:
The only people who mean it when they say, "Looks aren't everything," are the ugly people. Looks are everything, and don't let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise! When beautiful people (like me, who is definitely hotter-than-thou) say it, they're trying to make you feel better because you aren't as beautiful.
Entry 481:
Snow White confuses me with its songs. Why is it 'high' ho? Why isn't it low ho? Or does it not fit because it rhymes?
Entry 482:
It must suck being a dwarf back then. I mean, they're just the perfect size for looking up skirts without looking suspicious... But fashion, it seems, isn't what it is now. Honestly, as if seeing someone's ankle could give you a nose bleed.
Entry 483:
As I mentioned later, the only reason I wear magenta is because I have to be flawed. Imagine me in a black t-shirt and a pair of nice Hollister jeans. Too sexy, see? I would make everyone look bad. (Not that I already don't...)
Entry 484:
There might have also been the problem with Meiji-ians not having jeans back then. Or decent shirts.
Entry 485:
Okay, I must set off before I start singing about ho's, high and low.
Entry 486:
Walking up some damn mountain... Why can't fangirl headquarters ever be in... I dunno, somewhere nearby? Why it is always up a mountain?
Entry 487:
Enjoying the nice scenery... It is calm here, though a bit stupid. Oh, what an adorable little bunny! It's so cute, and furry, and it's ears are just like Thumper's... What a sweet little—
Entry 488:
The bunny is no more. Nothing tries to bite me gets away unharmed. Little fucker... And I mean that literally.
Entry 489:
Unless it's Kaoru-dono. She can bite me all she wants. Rawr, Kaoru-dono. Show off your wild, wildside.
Entry 490:
That's the reason I'm off to rescue her! I'm going to brave the perils! I'll crawl through swamps of eager lingerie models for her! I would... I dare say I would allow myself to be covered in caramel sauce and thrown into a room with Saitou for her. But that's iffy. It depends if he's brushed his teeth or not.
Entry 491:
No one–I repeat, no one–wants to be stuck in a room with Saitou when he hasn't brushed his teeth. Why do you think Okita was always coughing up blood? Prolonged exposure to Saitou breath, that's why.
Entry 492:
I think I turning Japanese, turning Japanese... I really think so! No sex, no drugs, no wine, no women, no fun, no sin and you wonder why it's so dark!
Entry 493:
Whoever sung that stupid song is an idiot, because they have obviously never met me.
Entry 494:
Uh-oh... I'm beginning to see signs of the Teenage Rabid Fangirl's lair...
Entry 495:
Hey! That's Aoshi's trench coat (ugly thing). There's Sesshoumaru's armor (uglier thing, though it looks mighty fine on him)... And there's Soujiro's pretty blue gi (good taste and fine looks can go hand in hand)... Oh, that is most definitely Kamui's sword (you know what they say about sword lengths). There's even Toya's collar (master-slave relationships, baby!)! And OMG. If it isn't Sasuke's shorts (a little shorter and it's like you're not wearing anything at all). Oh dear. And I am the greatest prize of them all. (No duh.)
Entry 496:
What I truly fear is that the two clans have merged. If the DIRTY Teenage Fangirls have joined the regular fangirls, then we truly have a dilemma. Those DTFGs are really vicious. Last time they caught me... Shudder.
Entry 497:
Just when you think you've seen handcuffs used in all the ways possible, they think up a new torture method. It'd terrifying.
Entry 498:
Uh-oh... Am beginning to hear and sense different bishies screaming out in terror.
Entry 499:
"NO! Even Itachi would never do that! Get your hands off me!"
"Don't take that off! No! As the Lord of the Western Lands, I command you to stop!"
"The weak die, and the strong get smothered in chocolate sauce! Shishio-sama never said anything about that!"
Entry 500:
It's for Kaoru-dono. It's for Kaoru-dono. It's for Kaoru-dono.
Entry 501:
"BATTOU-BABY!"
Entry 502:
That's it. It's over. Screw you guys, I'm going home. Ugh... Come on, mantra! It's for Kaoru-dono. She will reward me with lots of banging. It's for Kaoru-dono!
Entry 503:
"Oh! You're not naked like we told you to be!" Evil Fangirl Smirk©. "We'll have to punish you for that later."
Entry 504:
Oh, she'll repay me with banging, alright. Because I'm never getting up with these chicks again. They. Are. Freaks.
Entry 505:
"Come on now! We'll have to undress you now. Do you like marshmallow fluff?"
Entry 506:
"Where's Kaoru-dono?"
Entry 507:
Exasperated sigh. "You'll get to see her once we're done playing with you. We almost always keep our promises." Dreamy sigh. "But you're still as beautiful as ever. We might want to just keep you."
Entry 508:
Oh hell no.
Entry 509:
I am walking the gauntlet of cheesy pickup lines to get to the fangirls' 'leaders'.
Entry 510:
"Hey, Ken-san, how about I show you my sword style?"
"Do your legs hurt? 'Cause you've been running around in my dreams all night!"
"I'm the female Santa Clause! Wanna sit on my lap and tell me what you want the most? I'll do my best to give it to you because I know you're a good boy!"
"Do you have a band-aid? Because I hurt my knees falling for you!"
"Kenshin! Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your gorgeous eyes!"
"I have Skittles in my mouth! Wanna come here and taste the rainbow?"
"Kenshin! Kenshin! It's time to take your daily dose of vitamin me! The latest health reports say so!"
"Battou-baby! Come kiss me or I'll have to lie to my diary again!"
"All of me can be yours for a low, low price!"
"Ken-san! You must wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them!"
Entry 511:
Mind you, some of these are quite good.
Entry 512:
Okay, I'm officially creeped out. Some girl reached out, grabbed my (fione) ass and asked me if the seat was taken.
Entry 513:
Uh, no shit, Sherlock. It's my ass and the only person I could possibly share it with is Kaoru-dono, because she is the heroine of the story. And... Whether she likes it or not, I have to be strong and brave and beautiful and whatever.
Entry 514:
"Hey there you sexy swordsman you!"
"We're so totally glad that you passed through the gauntlet!"
"You're, like, so good!"
Entry 515:
The leaders of the clan. They are the ones that lead them all because they will do anything to taste a bishie. The one sitting on the right? She climbed onboard a ship to get to Kurama for a severe licking, and then showed him the new definition of the word 'rape'. The one on the left? She's the creator of the notorious Daikon Boomerang Ryu (all styles that matter end with a 'Ryu') style of radish throwing, which totally modernized the old way (sneaking up to the victim and hitting him on the noggin, while now you can just toss it easily and still hit your mark). And the one in the center? Well, you ever heard of a book called How To Make Your Erotic Bishonen Fantasies Come True? She wrote that, and she wrote it all from personal experience.
Entry 516:
God, I'm so screwed.
Entry 517:
Haha! Screwed! That's true, because they might bang me after their done with the lick torture and the strip tease and the belly dance and last but not least, the jello balancing.
Entry 518:
Kenshin, you're not just sexy. You're a fucking genius. W00t!
Entry 519:
Haha! Fucking!
Entry 520:
Somebody stop me! I'm absou-fucking-lutely awesome.
Entry 521:
Especially since I am so hot. Touch me! It'll burn!
Entry 522:
That might be the porniest thing I have ever said.
Entry 523:
Can you think with your warped little mind yet?
Entry 524:
Good.
Entry 525:
"Kenshin?"
Entry 526:
"Kaoru-dono!"
Entry 527:
Ah... The extra practice I get from running in almost every episode to be heroic. Goddamn, stupid needy contract. I especially hate requirement number thirty-seven: heroic entrance at just the exact moment of disaster.
Entry 528:
Do you know how stupid a hottie feels as he stands outside a shouji door, sneaking glances at what's happening inside to jump in at just the right moment the (usually ugly) villain tries to kill your beloved/friends/fans/random-osities.
Entry 529:
One time I had to stall by talking about the best conditioner to a guard while waiting for the dramatic climax?
Entry 530:
Mind you, I was only early because that idiotic manicure place down the street didn't have the polish I wanted to use, and I didn't bring any with me.
Entry 531:
They know very well that silver clashes with my skin tone and still they insist!
Entry 532:
Pa-Sha! Morons!
Entry 533:
"Kenshin! What are you doing here! And why are you so late!"
Entry 534:
Oops. I forgot about her.
Entry 535:
And that made absolutely no sense. If I'm late, shouldn't she know what was going on? Ugh. Some people sure are idjits.
Entry 536:
Well, not Kaoru-dono.
Entry 537:
Her beauty just makes her a little... slow... sometimes.
Entry 538:
Unlike me. Haha. I'm so pretty.
Entry 539:
I'm so pretty, oh so pretty!
Entry 540:
Am I rambling again? Oops.
Entry 541:
God, I hate these missions!
Entry 542:
God, I hate these contracts!
Entry 543:
God, I hate how my nails aren't matching with my shirt!
Entry 544:
Argh!
Entry 545:
Though I suppose this isn't as the time when I was fighting Shishio and he kept saying 'strange' stuff to that whore who sits next to him.
Entry 546:
Not the transvestite, who cannot be called a true bi-ist. The one who wore that horrible green lipstick that clashed with her hair. Jesus! I mean, green is the spring color this year but that doesn't mean you have to get green makeup!
Entry 547:
Ahem. Back to what I was saying. Shishio kept saying really horrible things to Yumi while slashing me to ribbons.
Entry 548:
You know, stuff like, "Twiddle my nipples like fine-tuning the FM radio while I torture this little piggy!"
Entry 549:
I am not a little piggy!
Entry 550:
And twiddling nipples? I don't know whether to be interested or grossed out.
Entry 551:
It's kinda fascinating if you imagine yourself tuning the radio...
Entry 552:
Uck! That made me shudder a little because I had an image of Shishio doing that to me.
Entry 553:
I guess it's slightly better when the Rabid Teenage Fangirls do it. But only slightly.
Entry 554:
"KENSHIN!"
Entry 555:
Argh, goddamnit! Can't these damsels in distress just rescue themselves? Honestly! It's not as if I'm not stressed out enough, with the nipple twiddling and whatnot.
Entry 556:
Hehe... Nipple twiddling... It sounds funny...
Ending Note: For this story, I usually don't leave notes, but this time it's an exception, because I need to spread the word! Guess what, everyone? The 2003-2004 Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards (RKRC) is now accepting nominations! Go nominate, and when the time comes, vote! It's organized by Bunny and the Kenshin-gumi but the true power is with you readers! Be sure to read the rules first! The website is here (remove spaces): http/ rkrc . meijitales . com /
Enjoy!
Responses to Reviews:
Setine: Ah! I'm so flattered that you could use a twisted little story like this for one of your own! I only wish you had told me earlier so I could laugh along! Hope you enjoyed this chapter, and keep up your great job!
Fireblade K'Chona: Wow, I'm so amazed by the people who still this enjoy this fic! I was personally starting to get worried that it was starting to get old! Aoshi does get riled up about meditating. (–Shh!–) I was actually thinking of writing Aoshi's mind as a follow up to this. But it's still in the planning stages, of course...
namida no yoru hotaru: Yes, I'm continuing... For a while, at least! Yes, in this little story, Kenshin is as bi as a... as a... As a bi thingie! It's the sexiness, though... It makes the hotties a little nutso! The Bazooka Bubblegum song? Oh dear... Or maybe the Kit-Kat song? Or... The Oscar Meyer Bologna song? Now there's an idea, actually... Of course you can recommend this to your cousins! Just pray that they aren't too traumatized afterwards! Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!
Pyramidgirl89: Kenshin is very, very kinky inside. He just hides it well! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!
Strawberry'd: A hot dog, a sausage, a weiner, a Polish Dog... Well, one thing is for sure... We aren't ever going to be able to go to another backyard BBQ... At least I haven't said anything about coconuts or oranges or bananas. I mean, if I had, you'd never be able to go grocery shopping again!
L1Ldumie TK: Saitou is the dirty, most perverted, twisted creature you will meet in the RuroKen universe. He just hides it well with his suspiciously happy smile. Teehee...
En Route: Though I'm sure if boobies could be called cute, thanks for the compliment anyway!
Cedahlia: Lots of Aoshi is to be expected as (–shhh!–) I'm planning on writing a follow up with Aoshi once this story is over. But it's still in the planning stages, so don't get too excited. I'm so glad you fall off chairs for this story! I'm trying to keep it as... 'spectacular' as possible! Enjoy!
Chixxy: I just graduated 9th grade, too! W00t! Hooray for us Gonna-Be Sophomores! As you can see, my maturity level stopped growing very early... Teehee. Kenshin is totally awesome! More fangirls are sure to come, and I'm a Battousai FanGirl, too!
Tera McCaslin: More funny stuff, soon to come! Though this story might end 5-8 chapters, it will forever be known as the story that made people choke and fall off chairs!
Kawaii Meeh: Well, that's mighty nice of you to say! It's an honor to be called the funniest and most hilarious author by you! I will continue this for the time being, and don't worry, there will be more to come. Kenshin is bi, and he is extremely naughty and has a huge ego. In fact, his ego is as big as his hot dog. (–choke–) Someone, stop me! Thank you for adding me to your favorite's list! It's an honor to be hailed as such! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, too!
Sueb262: Glad you enjoyed it! Here's a new chapter–hope you like this one, too!
xZig-zagz: Here's the chapter that you could hardly wait for! Enjoy!
Nekotsuki: You know, at first, I wrote this random response to your review. Then, later, when I was making sure I got everyone done, I just stared at your penname. I was like, wow... It seems to familiar and yet I have no idea why. And now I do! You're Nekotsuki! You're the brilliant author who wrote the award nominated Tanabata Jasmine! OMFG! (And I don't mean it the way Kenshin meant it!) I feel so flattered that you read and actually laughed at this story! It's incredibly shocking! Wow! Thank you so much!
Anonyma: OMG! You're being mentioned again! W00t! (–choke–) Hot dog my ass... Now, that's funny! Yes, Kenny knows many, many words for... nubs, but many more for... coconuts. You know having Kenshin save Kaoru naked actually sounds like a good idea... Well, in a chapter, he probably will be. Those vicious, vicious Rabid Fangirls! Thanks for your hilarious review!
MizzKyuubi(Offline): I'm glad this is still up to your expectations! Hope this one is still as hilarious as you say!
NightIntent: The hero contract is something I suspect is true, seeing how many times Kenshin has to save everyone in the whole darn series. In the next chapter, we get to see what the Fangirls do to Kenshin. I suspect he will be undressed and licked...
Phi-Dono: You know, I keep forgetting to thank you for reviewing Ficlet Medley! You are possibly one of the most faithful reviewers ever, and they are always long and funny! About the flavored condoms... I used to talk about those a lot with my friends, too! I did result in being banana... And chocolate, the second time. (–choke–) I will keep writing, because, with reviewers like you, how could I deny you guys of the pleasures of... Kenshin-flesh? W00t for summer vacation and quick updates!
Anime# 1Fan: Wow, you heard about this fic from someone else? I'm glad that you too have glowing reviews for it! It's completely random and I would hope it was funny! Kenshin is totally obsessed with himself! He is a naughty, naughty little boy, whom we all love to glomp! (–waves around a Kenshin plushie that says "I've Been Glomped" on it–)
GreenEyedFloozy: Don't worry, Saitou scares me, too. Especially when he talks about bones and hot dogs. (–shudders–) There's nothing wrong with weighing 130! My friend was just very, very 'talented', I guess.
Mika-chan: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the review!
Kiwigrl89: Why do I sense just a little bit of sarcasm in that? Ah, well. Here's another chapter to outdo myself with, because now it'll be 3 updates within 3 months! W00t! Go me! LOL! The pickup line from last chapter was not made up by me. My friend just it in biology, and it made me laugh, so here it is in the story! More about Misao and Aoshi are coming in the next chapter!
Lexi-Teniro: Glad you think so! The last chapter was a little late, but I'm glad the funniness made up for it! Here's another for you to die over!
Lil Rose Angel: Of course OMFG doesn't mean what I said it meant! That would just be wrong! I hope you had fun in Maine, and don't let your cousins read this! I only want to be responsible for making you (and a few dozen others) corrupt and immoral! And don't worry, naive little Katherine... You will always be wise to me. (–snicker–) You know, you're right... The whole darn chapter is about sex! I'll have to bring in more about food or something. And of course don't own Sesshoumaru's name... Just his body and face. (–nods–) Thank god for loopholes. You do have to learn about sex sometimes. Just preferably not by me, because then you'd know more than most of your teachers. (–chokes–)
Nameless: Yes, we will never be able to type OMFG again without giggling nervously to ourselves. I do prefer bananas over hotdogs... They're bigger, for one thing. (–chokes–) Please ignore the corrupt and immoral authoress.
Shitzoflame: I'm so glad you don't think this is getting old! Here's a new chapter, and I hope that you enjoyed it!
Chibi-Assassin: Long live Wicked-sama so she can corrupt yet another generation of children? I think... SO! Yay! Thanks for the compliment!
Mizurio: I'm glad I have another reader who doesn't think this is old! I'm a twisted individual, too. At least, if twisted could be used with me. I'm more like... corkscrew... Which I love. Yum... Orange juice and vodka! Aoshi probably would be vanilla flavored. (–chokes–) I don't even want to think about Saitou. (–cough– Probably cinnamon... Or maybe hot dog... –cough–)
midnite cherry blossomz: Yes, I told her that. I was a strange, immorally incorrect child, and I still am. It was funny... At least it was for me! Here's another chapter–enjoy!
Oro4: I'm glad you loved it! Here's a new chapter–enjoy!
Ahou Incarnate: You are accepted for the Teenage Rabid Fangirls! We are always looking for daikon-throwers and "totaly b4d sp3113rs!"! Don't worry, strawberries and whipped cream is provided for members such as yourselves. Remember to come early on Terrible Spelling Tuesdays and Freakish Licking Fridays for caramel sauce specials! Glad you liked this story, and I loved your application! It was funny!
Shadowguard: Excellent evil laugh you have working here! We will never know how many girls he banged, because we've never talked about Kenshin getting drunk (we will soon, though)... Teehee. Saitou's pickup lines are just a little icky, but I'm sure funny anyway. Here's an update–enjoy!
Yukishiro Tomoe-chan: Haha, I made someone get a nose bleed! Kenshin does think that... Though he doesn't tell you, Tomoe-chan! He keeps the nastiness to himself and he has refined his techniques since you had fun with him when he was young. (–chokes–) Enjoy!
Kenshingumi #6: Um, forgive me for raising my eyebrow, but I only haven't updated for a month, and it usually takes me a little more than a month to update this little fic. Don't worry, I'll write something in the summary if it's on hiatus (I'm a very organized person when it comes to matters such as these). Besides, this story has at least 5 chapters to go! Thanks anyway for your review, and thank you for the review you gave for SOUJIRO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual! I do have a lot of stories, huh...?