Rurouni Kenshin: Tales of a Sexy Swordsman
Chapter 11: A Daily Dosage of Gropage
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, but I do own some strawberries, a can of whipped cream, and some gooey chocolate sauce! Come to me, Battou-baby! W00t!
Author's Note:
OMG! THANK YOU, EVERYONE! I can't believe this story has been nominated for Best Humor in the 2003-2004 Rurouni Kenshin Reader's Choice Awards! You guys are amazing, and I thank you all dearly! You guys rock and deserve naked Kenshins tied to sticks! JUST AS A REMINDER... VOTING HAS BEGUN!
(Okay, back to the original author's note I had written out.) Honestly, what have I done to the youth of tomorrow? I corrupt so many people! (–palm face–) Ah well! Thanks to everyone for all the reviews and everything! You guys make me mucho, mucho happy! I am a disgrace to the Spanish speaking population, aren't I? Ah, well...
You know, I am shocked by the number of reviews this story has received! You guys are so wonderful to me! It's amazing how many people enjoy Kenshin when he's random!
Thanks again to everyone!
Entry 557:
Isn't it funny how I always save the day? I'd like to see just one time when I fail...
Entry 558:
It's fun to be the victim sometimes. You should have seen the rise in Soujiro's popularity once I kicked his cute little bum.
Entry 559:
Though, interestingly enough, Shishio got less popular after I kicked his bandaged booty...
Entry 560:
But that's because he's a nipple twiddler, though.
Entry 561:
"Oh, Battou-Baby, you sexy piece of flesh!"
Entry 562:
Ugh, I hate it when people describe me as a piece of flesh. Even if they were right about the sexy part. But flesh? Flesh!
Entry 563:
It makes me feel like steak! Or some baby back ribs! Or a lamb shank! Or a honey-roasted ham! Or a Thanksgiving turkey! Or Hannibal Lector! Or... Or...
Entry 564:
For more information on our finest cuts, visit your local meat market!
Entry 565:
"Blah, blah, blah rescue your so-called girl blah, blah, blah tortured by blah, blah, blah, flavored icees blah, blah, blah the British are coming blah, blah, blah tomatoes."
Entry 566:
I suppose this is a good time to tell everyone that I have the attention span of... of... of Popeye! Which would be very, very—Hey look, a butterfly! It's so pretty, with it's big wings and 'lil antennae.
Entry 567:
The butterfly is no more. It would not let me touch it. So it dies.
Entry 568:
Anyway, about the rescuing.
Entry 569:
First, the "Are you okay, insert name here?"
Entry 570:
"Are you unhurt, Kaoru-dono?"
Entry 571:
"I-I'm fine, but these girls are freaks! I just saw them put jello on Shiboshi's balls!"
Entry 572:
Shiboshi's balls?
Entry 573:
"What kind of balls, Kaoru-dono?"
Entry 574:
"The ones he uses as weapons! He tosses them around and hits people with them, and... And... What kind of balls were you thinking of? Oh, ohmygawsh! Kenshin, get your mind out of the gutter!"
Entry 575:
"Though, that's quite stupid because there are no gutters in the Meiji Era, so there's no way you can pull your brain out of it."
Entry 576:
See what I mean? Being that hot makes her dumb!
Entry 577:
I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout!
Entry 578:
Dude, that's so weird. I am not a teapot!
Entry 579:
Though I am very hot. Muahahaha...
Entry 580:
Just not stout.
Entry 581:
You'll notice how I'm not saying anything about being short.
Entry 582:
Mock my height and I swear, I'll make you a shish kabob!
Entry 583:
I would spear you with my amazingly shiny reversed blade sword and take giant cherry tomatoes and pearl onions and make you the finest grilling experience anyone's ever had.
Entry 584:
Grill experience... Rawr!
Entry 585:
That just makes me remember about the time when I got stuck in a house with two hot chicks who thought I killed their father.
Entry 586:
"Where's our father!"
"Where did you hide his body?"
"Why do you hide your body?"
"Yeah, why do you hide your delicious body under that hideous outfit?"
"Why won't you let us undress you?"
"Why won't you let us smother you in this red bean sauce?"
Entry 587:
And so on and so forth.
Entry 588:
Don't give me that look! God, you know someone as sexy as me can't just walk around Japan for a good ten years without getting laid.
Entry 589:
NGH! Uh-huh, uh-huh I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh! That's the way I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!
Entry 590:
I mean, if I didn't get hot steamy sex every other night, I might have become some giant pussy or something.
Entry 591:
Which I am not, thank you very much!
Entry 592:
You will find no gaping vaginas on my smooth, silky, tanned skin, across my broad-but-not-too-broad shoulders, and my perfect pecks... My muscular stomach tight and warm to touch... My eyes smoldering in that inner fire I bend over to take your lips into a hungry kiss...
Entry 593:
Raise your hand if you're drooling!
Entry 594:
I know I am!
Entry 595:
"I swear to God, Kenshin, I'm going to throw away all your skin-softeners if you don't quit blanking out and save me from these lusty fools!"
Entry 596:
Don't you dare, you... you... you bad person! Those skin softeners are all that are keeping me as I am!
Entry 597:
"Please, leaders of the Rabid Fangirls, please let Kaoru-dono go. I do not want to have to hurt you."
Entry 598:
I really hope that she doesn't think that pout is attractive. She looks like she just bit off part of her top lip and ugh... what's that between her teeth?
Entry 599:
It looks like a piece of... cloth... Which is kinda freaky.
Entry 600:
"You wouldn't hit a girl, would you, Baby Got Battou's Ass?"
Entry 601:
"He wouldn't, but I would! You let me go right this instant!"
Entry 602:
M'roar! Kaoru-dono can be so fierce... And hot-tempered... Damn, she's just pressing all my buttons!
Entry 603:
It's too bad I already got my daily dosage of gropage.
Entry 604:
One must never over-do it or risk being called a pervert.
Entry 605:
Sessa is merely a man searching for redemption with a reverse blade sword as long as his wang.
Entry 606:
No, you did not just read that.
Entry 607:
Ahem! My skin softeners are in danger so I mustn't dally any longer!
Entry 608:
"If it's me you want to lick and screw around with, let it be so. But please, release Kaoru-dono. She should not have been involved in this at all."
Entry 609:
"Involved in this? Oh, you adorable 'oro'-ing thing! You weren't the one who got involved with us... She was the one who got you involved!"
Entry 610:
GASP! OH! The drama! The horror! The betrayal! This is like... Days of Our Lives all over again!
Entry 611:
Let me remind you that I only watch soap operas when I'm washing laundry. Sometimes you did extra suds.
Entry 612:
"No! Kenshin! I would never... I didn't mean to! I didn't know it would end up this way!"
Entry 613:
The Evil Fangirl Cackle of Maniacal Glee. "Tell him, Kaoru-dono, how you knocked him out with that daikon radish and dragged him to our hideout. Tell him about the hot chocolate sauce! Tell him about... Tell him about how you said he tasted like assorted fruit flavors!"
Entry 614:
I must have used my "Love's Fruit Garden" body lotion the night before.
Entry 615:
"Kenshin! Please forgive me! I wouldn't knowingly violate you like that!"
Entry 616:
I'm offended!
Entry 617:
Of course you would be too if you were voted "Meji Era's Hottest Battou Jutsu Master" and still your chick won't knowingly violate you!
Entry 618:
"It's all right, Kaoru-dono. I can be very tempting. Like your underwear is when I'm washing it."
Entry 619:
"WHAT!"
Entry 620:
"I said it's all right, Kaoru-dono!"
Entry 621:
Wow, that fangirl looks pissed.
Entry 622:
"NO! You're supposed to be mad at her, My Sex God of Rurouni Kenshin!"
Entry 623:
Poor, stupid, lust-struck girl. "I cannot be mad at the one who has cared for me. Besides, wouldn't you take me home if you could just so you could violate me with various food stuffs?"
Entry 624:
"Good point."
Entry 625:
I always do. And you know what else has a really sharp point? (–wink, wink, nudge, nudge–)
Entry 626:
A freshly sharpened pencil!
Entry 627:
What were you thinking, you little lust demon you?
Entry 628:
I thought as much.
Entry 629:
And you thought "very fine" only comes out of a bottle!
Entry 630:
Uh-oh.. Some other fangirl chick just came out, walked around me in a circle with her eyes riveted on my groin, and whistled.
Entry 631:
"I like every single muscle in your body... Especially mine."
Entry 632:
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Too much information! WAY too much information! Bad images flashing through head! Bad images involving Saitou and a bottle too many of wine cooler!
Entry 633:
She... She just licked her finger, jabbed in onto my shirt, and then her's, and said to me with a lecherous grin, "Let's get you and me out of these wet clothes."
Entry 634:
OMG! I know who she is! I... I...
Entry 635:
Oh, the suppressed memories! The hideously suppressed memories!
Entry 636:
S-she... She's the one that... No, no, I can't! I won't let these memories come back! They're too painful! Too raw! Too damnably funny!
Entry 637:
Sigh... Fine, I'll tell ya. Did you ever know that a broom has many uses other than to clean floors? I didn't. That is, until I met her.
Entry 638:
I'm going to leave that broom comment to your imaginations.
Entry 639:
I'm sure it's been scarred enough by all the things I've said. And done, for that matter.
Entry 640:
The time Sanosuke asked me if Viagra works sure comes to mind.
Entry 641:
"A drug that raises a men's sexual performance. Well, that sure sounds good! Megumi's been complaining, and since she's a doctor... Can you get it over the counter, Kenshin?"
Entry 642:
You know he was just waiting for me to say something dirty. So I did.
Entry 643:
"I'm sure you could... if you took two!"
Ending Note: Well, ending note again, this time to both to thank the two people (or perhaps more, if I'm lucky!) who nominated and seconded this story, and also to remind you all that voting has started in the RKRC! (Http/ rkrc . meijitales . com –no spaces) Please vote on that and I'll be sure to remind you all again next time I update, which I promise will not be in two months! (I apologize for the super long delay, but inspiration just didn't come and you can't force dirty humor!)
Responses to Reviews:
sueb262: Yep, I'll do just about everything to Kenshin. And the things I won't... Um... I just haven't thought up yet. But I will! ... I think.
Chixxy: I am a sophomore now! And Battousai fangirls kick up! I know, kenshin is a great bi, and Fluffy is an awesome bishonen. The nickname for him, by the way, was invented many, many year ago. I mean, like, before we were twelve!
Strawberry'd: The sexual innuendo must go on! And the fruits, and the caramel sauces, and oh, I agreed with you when you say the imaginations of ours are both strengths and weaknesses.
GreenEyedFloozy: I'm so glad you still approve! As for the "huge talent" thing, I forgot that it was also in Moulin Rouge! In reality, I got it from a term in Sailor Moon Fandom, in which one episode, the girls were comparing chest sizes. In the English translation, the dubbers made it so they were talking about "talent", and not their chests.
Kawaii meeh: Yay! Funny stuff galores in this story, and if Kenshin does ever use a pickup line on Kaoru... I want to be there to watch and write about! I'll try my best in keeping this hilarious!
Rose Quinn: I could advertise it in hospitals and save lives with the humor, but they could also choke on it. I've done it before when watching/reading comedy. It would be a recovery/murder!
Tastyfacewash: I love your penname! It's hilarious!
L1dumie TK: Pickup lines are funniest when they're corny, but dirty humor does make me like a person a lot more! I hope to continue on with this so I can continue making you guys laugh!
Kimberlyann: Kenshin is kinky, but that sexual tension has to go somewhere, and it might as well be here!
Hikari-Aoi: I already have a good finish thought up, and I know! Wouldn't it suck if I wrote a horrible ending to such a funky story? I promise I won't, though! Fangirl signups are right here! We've already got a few chickies vying for the job!
Starwolf4: Thank you, thank you! (–bows–)
Ahou Incarnate: You're in, you're in! Shishio twiddling Kenshin's nipples is quite scary... But Saitou? That might kill him! But then again, with Kaoru there (because she's the heroine) would make him all better!
X-iridescence: I'm glad you liked those pickup lines! Those have been collected by me for quite a while!
-little oro-: Glad you like it!
Kiwigrl89: Yes, I updated! And sorry for such a late one, too... School has been a killer with all the tests. I'm glad your friend adored this! The more kinky fangirls with us, the better. Divided, we often run out of whipped cream, but united, we smother many bishonen in chocolate sauce! Hahaha! Fear the power!
Setine: No problem, no problem! I'm just glad your readers enjoy it as much as I do! Continue and be happy!
The Mystic Firefly: Idjit is a beautiful word that sums up most people in the US government. God bless the crazy people.
Phi-Dono: (–bows humbly–) I'm so sorry for such a late update! But I'm been insanely uninspired and insanely busy, so it hasn't been so good in the warped humor section. In any case, I'm so happy that one of my favorite reviewers still enjoys this, and thinks it's original! My life is a flying drama, and it's easily made into this for all of you to enjoy! This will end soon, but that will be a while off. In any case, go ahead and tell your friends to read it! The more the merrier! And then we also have more caramel sauce to share!
Yukishiro Tomoe-chan: Kenny-kins! What a lovely nickname for Battou-baby! Would you mind if I added that in somewhere? Credit will go to you, of course!
Shenyu: I do have an imaginative imagination! It's perverted to the max!
AmnarJoey: Haha, thanks for the review! Loved your comments, as always!
Oro4: Yep, another funky chapter!
Mizurio: Cheesy pickup lines rock, and I'm glad you found them funny! I love them and forever looking for new ones. Sorry for traumatizing you about the radio dials, but now people will actually look at them and go... "Shudder!"
NightIntent: More evil fangirls! I love them too, especially how they act. Yeah, only 15-18 chapters left... Sadly... But all good things must come to an end! Sorry for the late update, by the way! Forgive me, for school is a pain in the fanny!
Legendary-yoshi: Wicked's my name, disturbing is my game! Wow, how lame! Ick, no more rhyming!
Unit 667 Ra: Pure Comedy Gold? Well, thank you very much! That's incredibly flattering! Yep, Soujiro is adorably cute, but Kenshin is sexy like a... Smexican. Wow, vol. 16 lets you see him shirtless? I... Must... Buy... And... Photocopy... And... Violate... Copyright... Laws... But... Must... See... Him... Shirt... Less... (–drools–)
Fireblade K'Chona: If I have the time and inspiration, I'll be sure to write about Aoshi's mind!
Anonyma: I'm sorry about the poor little bunny, and the other small animals harmed in the production of this... thing! Sou-chan must learn more in life! The strong do get smothered in chocolate sauce–I mean, look at Kenshin! Shishio... Well, he's just a freak accident, as we all know. Actually, your review gave me some more strange, twisted ideas... I'll think about where to insert them!
Ridia-san: Updated at last!
Cedahlia: This stuff comes from my social life, and the many times I've made myself a fool in it. As for replying to the reviewers, it's my pleasure! A lot of the reviews are funny and inspire me even more!
Lexi Teniro: Eek! I've killed Lexi Teniro again! Sorry for the late update, but I hope you still found it hilarious!
Another Baka: What's going on in ths story? I have no idea, actually...
Lord Fluffy Worshiper: Yay! A new reader that enjoyed the story, regardless of how incredibly insane it is! Go ahead and share it with everyone–insanity is good!
Apathetic Empath2: Thank you, thank you! (–bows–)
Midnite Cherry Blossomz: Twisted, yes. Insane, yes. Funny... Well, depends if you're twisted and insane! Thanks for the review!
Flame-Kunoichi: There's plenty of insane Kenshin stories, but I find that in the end, having a bishonen get kidnaped by Rabid Fangirls still get the reviewers cracking up!
Angerasu85: Kenshin and Sesshoumaru are both sexy! And I support Kagura/Sesshy love, too, because they are just the prettiest couple! Glad you think I've brought parody to another level–I try my best!
Lil Rose Angel: (–sniffs–) My little Katherine... All grown up and semi corrupt. Well, keep reading and we'll make sure you're JUST LIKE ME. Well, not. I think if there were two of us, the bishonen would be all naked or... naked, I guess. Sasuke fans are we! Loving him is... Sweet! Gawd, I can't rhyme. (Oh yes, the bishonen that said the thing with the strong get smothered in chocolate sauce is Soujiro. His quote is, "The weak die, and the strong survive.", so I parodied it.) Talk to you soon!
Green Animelover: Thank you!
Maiyuko-chan: Yay! A fan of Divine Commiseration, as well as Tales of a Sexy Swordsman! You know, amazingly enough, both fics were nominated for the RK Reader's Choice Awards! I find it insane! Almost as insane as this story! Almost as insane as the number of people who like this story! What is the world coming to!