There was a soft knock on Malfoy's door. "Go away, Blaise."

"But Draco," Blaise replied as he walked into the room, switching to a very ditzy girl type of voice. "You've got, like, LOSER tattooed on your forehead."

"Funny, I don't remember being drunk in the past forty-eight hours," Malfoy responded wryly, still lying immobile on his bed.

"What are you doing?" Blaise asked with a sigh, sounding as if he was thoroughly disappointed with his friend's behaviour.

"Wallowing in self pity," was Malfoy's curt reply.

"Oh good," replied Blaise, lying down beside him, "Something new."

"Zabini…." Malfoy said, a warning tone in his voice mixed with tiredness.

"Malfoy."

"Honestly, you've both got, like, LOSER tattooed on your forehead," Hermione said from the doorway.

"Draco?" Blaise asked.

"Yes Blaise?"

"I'm hallucinating. I seem to be seeing Hermione Granger in your doorway. In the Slytherin dorms. In the Slytherin boys' dorms."

"Me too."

"And if people don't generally have the exact same hallucinations…" Hannah prompted from the doorway.

"Merlin, now there's a Hufflepuff too!" Blaise said, sounding distraught. Neither of the other three could tell if he was genuinely frightened or just being his usual self.

"There's a message for you on the bulletin board, Malfoy," Hermione said as both girls stepped in to the room.

"I still think it's really funny you even have a bulletin board," Hannah commented as she sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Yeah," Blaise said, sitting up and grinning appreciatively, "So do I."

"What was the message?" Malfoy asked Hermione as she walked up to him.

Hermione held up a piece of paper. "'Draco Malfoy is a loser.'" She gave him a look. "And I quote without paraphrasing."

Blaise snorted. "Wow," he began, "Pansy's actually getting stupider."

"You do know how stupid the word 'stupider' sounds, right?" Hannah asked Blaise, eyebrows raised.

He stuck his tongue out at her.

"Malfoy," Hermione began solemnly, "If you're going to be such a loser I'm going to have to dump you."

"It's funny," he replied, still staring straight at the ceiling, "I thought you'd already done that."

"No," Hermione replied, only a small amount of emotion entering her voice. "I walked away because you made me cry."

"You made her cry?" Blaise broke in. "That's almost as bad as sleeping with her best friend!"

Draco Malfoy looked at Blaise. Draco Malfoy looked at Hannah Abbott. Hannah Abbott looked at Blaise. Hannah Abbott looked at Malfoy. Hermione Granger shook her head in Blaise's general direction, and then turned to Malfoy and Hannah.

"Well, you heard what he said," she proclaimed with a tone of finality. "It's a bad thing to sleep with my best friend."

Hannah and Malfoy stopped giving each other appraising looks.

"Too blonde," Hannah scoffed.

"Too Hufflepuff-y," Malfoy returned.

"You know Hermione," Blaise said, turning to the girl he was addressing. "I bet that's what you love about him- his unfailing ability to make up random words as he goes along."

"Oh, how'd you know Blaise?" Hermione replied, and then turned back to the boy in question. "Do you have a reply to this truly inspiring note?"

"How about 'Pansy is a two-faced bitch who isn't incredibly intelligent'?" Malfoy responded.

"Hmm," Blaise began. "A little wordy…."

"Yeah, and it also sounds like you want to have a bitch fight with her in the common room," Hannah said, sounding bemused.

"And the word 'bitch' as an insult is just a little overused," Hermione added.

"Well, you personally could just post a note saying 'Hermione Granger was here' and send the entire house into a real uproar," Blaise commented.

"Could I use the pretty pink scented paper?" Hermione asked wryly. "No, Malfoy, you need to counteract this somehow." She sat down beside him on the bed and pinched his cheek. "Where's that wit I know and love?"

Malfoy was slightly outraged. "You dumped me!"

She sighed deeply. "We weren't ever together."

Hannah gave a small snort of disbelief that sent Blaise into fits of laughter. Hermione glared at them both.

"Granger," Malfoy began, turning to face her and looking quite solemn. "We were something."

Hannah rolled her eyes.

"Well spotted," Blaise commented.

"But then again," Hannah added, sounding deeply philosophical, "We can never truly be nothing."

"Quite true," Blaise agreed in the same tone of voice, "We are always something."

"Shut up," growled Malfoy.

"Will you two please go snog somewhere?" Hermione burst out, clearly not impressed with their mockery.

"Fine then," Hannah said, arms crossed. "Force me to go snog an tall, dark, and incredibly hot Slytherin."

"You think I'm incredibly hot?" Blaise asked.

"Not really- I just needed another adjective…" And with that, the two of them left the room.

"We need to talk," Hermione began.

"That's what we've been doing since you showed up at my door." He paused, looking thoughtful. "By the way, how did you get in here?"

Hermione tapped her nose with her index finger. "For me to know and you to never know."

"Wow, you make it sound sort of creepy." He peered at her suspiciously. "What have you been up to?"

"Checking out the Slytherin bulletin board, chatting with Hannah, trying to get you to have a real conversation with me about us…"

"Oh, there's that dreaded word again!"

"What? 'Us'?"

"No. 'Conversation.'"

Hermione glowered down at him. "You know you're not funny."

"You know you're still not getting anywhere with this conversation."

"Malfoy, what are we doing? I mean, the witty banter is all well and good but what is this?"

"This is my bedroom, my bed, you sitting on my bed…." He paused, looking startled. "I just realized something."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "And what is that?"

"That I have a girl who I maybe sort of kind of almost probably positively am madly in like with on my bed. Alone on my bed."

Hermione looked baffled. "Maybe sort of kind of almost-" But that was as far as she got, because Malfoy decided snogging the girl he was maybe sort of kind of almost probably positively madly in like with was a much more pressing matter than actually speaking to her.

"Malfoy," Hermione said once they'd eventually pulled away.

"Don't tell me you want to do more of that talking thing."

"Damn it, Malfoy, you can't just snog me whenever you want and hope I'll shut up."

He blinked. "I can't?"

"No." Her face softened slightly. "From here on in, you're only allowed to kiss me if you'll actually be my boyfriend." She paused. "Merlin it sounds odd to say that."

"You do realize we will never be a fully functional couple, right?"

"Of course- you're far too pompous."

"Me? You can be such a stuck-up bitch sometimes, I-"

"And your hair is so damn annoying when it falls in your eyes!"

"Your nose is annoying when it wrinkles up in that cute way when you laugh!"

"You think my nose wrinkling is cute?"

"Maybe."

"Awww!" Hannah said from the doorway, and Blaise just rolled his eyes.

"You are such a girl."

"Well I'd be a little worried if you were snogging her in closets and she wasn't," Malfoy commented dryly.

"That's the Malfoy I know and am madly in like with," Hermione said approvingly, bending down to give him a kiss.

"Wow," Blaise said as he and Hanna re-entered the room. "If you're going to keep up like this I am not spending any more time with you."

"What makes you think I want you to spend time with me?" Malfoy shot back.

"That hurts. It really does." Blaise put a hand to his heart. "Right here. Rip out my heart, why don't you?"

Hannah rolled her eyes. Hermione rolled her eyes. Malfoy gave Blaise the finger. Blaise reverted to his grandmother voice and proceeded to talk about where the youth of today was really headed. Hermione shared her new batch of PEZ with the other three and the listened to odd muggle music for the greater part of the day. All was well.

In the end, the response to Pansy's letter read:

Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think- Sorry, wrong letter response.

Blaise Zabini hereby declared his undying love for Pansy Parkinson, who he wants to someday marry and make wild passionate love to and have lots of Blaise Juniors and Pansy Juniors running around in a front yard surrounded by a white picket fence. Draco Malfoy hereby declares being madly in like with Hermione Granger and has this to say: Got a problem with that? (Note: If you do, please inquire about bitch fights in the common room.) Hannah Abbott was here! Hermione Granger thinks Blaise is slightly psychotic, Malfoy is actually her boyfriend (it just sounds odd to say but eventually you will all get used to it,) and that Hannah should have thought her response through.

Pansy had no idea how to respond.

A/N: Um, well, this will be the end unless you want an epilogue, at which point I will formulate something appropriately genius for your general enjoyment. I will be starting a new fic soon, a Harry-Hermione-Draco love triangle. Sounds like fun, doesn't it?