This is the first fic I've written for this fandom. Turned out much more introspective then I thought...
Simon wasn't sure exactly when watching Mal had gone from a precautionary measure to something … else. Time has a weird quality "here in the black" as they like to say. Some days stretch like an eternity while others seem to fly by. River's bad days are endless, chaos and guilt like knifes making endless cuts into Simon's psyche. Other days go along with little fuss and Simon occupies himself with researching possible treatments for River or reading one of the books he borrows from one of the others. But more often then not, when Mal is around, Simon catches himself watching.
He's not even sure what he's looking to find.
He watches the way Mal moves through the ship, purposefully. He is the Captain and he keeps an eye on all that happens within his ship. Sometimes Simon catches him touching Serenity – an unconscious gesture. Practically a caress and Simon tries not think about what that makes him feel.
Other times Simon watches Mal's hands as he goes about some task. They are hard, capable hands that go about their work with an efficiency has a certain elegance to it. His own hands are more slender, lacking the roughness that years of hard work that have left on Mal's hands. He often finds himself studying his own after watching Mal and feels terribly foolish. His hands are a surgeon's hands and just as capable in their own way.
But mostly he likes to watch Mal when he's talking with the others. With Kaylee, he is the big brother. Pretending to be gruff but it is clear the real affection between them. And Kaylee responds to it like a flower to the sun – working extra hard to pry a smile or laugh from him. Simon feels almost envious of the smiles Kaylee gets as they are genuine – not the charming show Mal puts on for others.
Wash too managed to get the Captain to smile. For all that Mal maintains he never wanted Wash and Zoe to get married, its clear that Mal has accepted the place Wash holds in Zoe's life and almost more importantly, the place that Wash holds on his ship. And Wash is no different from anyone else when it comes to seeking approval of their Captain.
Funny but they all seem to seek Mal's approval in their own way. Jayne does it by testing the limits, seeing just how far he can go before Mal puts him back in his place. It seems to make Jayne feel secure in his place in Mal's world – knowing that Mal wants him there enough to keep him in check.
Zoe's need is much more subtle. Its less about approval as it is about retaining the connection that they share. They had faced hell together and that has left both with dark places that no one else can safely tread – save the other who was there. It is a strange blend of trust and pain that cannot truly be explained in words.
Even River is not completely immune to it. With Mal there seems to be a strange understanding. For all Mal complains about her crazy moments and strange bouts of gibberish, he seems to accept her at a level that the others cannot – even Simon. And because of it, River seems to try a little harder – even though the ways that she does that do not always translate into logical actions.
And so they all seemed to orbit around the strange sun that was Mal. His moods and orders shaping the course of their days. Mal seemed more or less unaware of this dynamic though he did seem to repay it with the effort he put into insuring they had coin enough to keep Serenity in the air and food on the table.
Sometimes that was a struggle and the strain showed in the little things. Mal was always a little bit quieter at dinner, his smile a bit more crafted and his eyes more shuttered. Most of them tried a bit harder to be cheery and not add to his burden but sometimes Jayne would feel the need to complain and Mal would put him in his place with a few harsh words and cold tone. Mal would always leave shortly thereafter and everyone would pretend like everything was fine. Sometimes Zoe would go after him in bit but more often than not, even she left Mal alone. Mal was the Captain and it seemed somehow expected that he would deal with these things on his own.
Simon hated that. Hated that Mal carried so much responsibility on his shoulders with seemingly no one to ease the load. Wished he could do something to make things easier. He told himself that it was the doctor in him. That he was concerned for what that level of stress could do to the man. But late at night, when he heard Mal doing his final walk of the ship before retiring, he always head his breath as Mal passed by his quarters. But if the footsteps seemed to slow a bit, they never stopped and a disappointment that Simon couldn't quite ignore always washed through him before he would resolutely turn over and pretend that he hadn't really been listening.
Simon watched. And the more Simon watched, the harder it became to ignore what he saw. And what seeing made him feel…