Cloud jerks in his chair, his hands tightening into fists and his breath hissing around his clenched teeth. I carefully pry his hands open, wincing as I see the bloody cuts on his palms. Some are new, but most are old cuts he opens up with his nails every time he clenches his fists like that. I brush his bangs off his face and he flinches violently away. I drop my hand and sigh. At least he's got his eyes closed. I hate myself for saying this, but I cannot stand the sight of his eyes now. They're such a bright, blinding shade of blue, and always so expressive, even when he was trying to hide what he felt. To see them devoid of all reason or humanity physically hurts me. His eyes shouldn't look like that... no one's should, but especially not Cloud's. Give me anger, sorrow, apathy, lies-- anything in his eyes but this insanity.
"How are you doing?" the nurse asks as she looks in on us. I shrug.
"All right," I reply, and internally wince at how hoarse I sound. I clear my throat and try again.
"I'm all right."
The nurse doesn't look convinced, but she knows better than to push me by now.
"And how is he?" she continues, nodding at Cloud. I shake my head and drop into a chair.
"Same as usual."
"No signs of improvement?"
"None."
"It's a miracle he's still alive, after being that heavily poisoned and half-drowned."
"I know... believe me, I know."
The nurse-- Melony, maybe?-- smiles at me. "He's very lucky to have someone like you with him." I manage a weak smile in response. Melony-- or is it Melody?-- has been wonderful. Unlike the doctor, she thinks there's some hope for Cloud, and doesn't think I'm wasting my time with him.
"Are you staying here again?" she asks. I nod, and she sighs at me. "You'd rest better at the Inn--"
"I'll be fine. I need to stay with him."
The nurse smiles sympathetically and nods. "All right. Try to get some rest, dear."
She closes the door as she leaves, and a few moments later I see her walking down the path outside the window. I look back at Cloud, who's rocking back and forth in the wheelchair, muttering under his breath. Most of it isn't coherent speech, but sometimes I can pick out words. "Sephiroth", "Meteor," and "Materia" seem to be the most common ones, but I can pick out a few others from time to time.
Like "Aeris".
I cannot believe I'm still jealous of her. She died, damn it, she was my friend and she was murdered right in front of me, but I still feel jealous. How can I be jealous of her? There's got to be something wrong with me. I'm jealous of a dead woman, of the effect her memory is having on Cloud.
I glance back at Cloud, who's fallen silent. He's still rocking back and forth, and his eyes are open.
Completely mindless.
I shake my head and stand, going to the window. He is not lost, not insane. Cloud is still in there somewhere, I know it. He's stronger than this. He'll be all right...
I've never been as good at reassuring myself as Cloud was. He could always convince me that everything would be okay, that he would take care of things, even when we were kids. And he always did...
I have the sudden overwhelming urge to curl up on one of the beds and sob until I fall asleep. I can't, though. He needs me. Cloud was our leader, our strength... now I have to be the strong one. For him.
He's probably the only one I'd do this for.
I settle back in my chair and take his right hand between my own. His hand is still bloody from earlier, and rough with sword calluses. The thought makes me glance up at his sword, which is propped up like a silent watcher in the corner of the room. I can't believe he managed to hang onto the damn thing the whole time.
"Sephiroth..." Cloud mumbles, shifting restlessly. He suddenly tenses and throws himself backwards, forcing me to grab at the chair to keep it from flipping. He looks like he's trying to escape from something. Or someone.
"It's all right, Cloud, he's gone..." I murmur reassurances, trying to calm him. It seems to work. Either that, or whatever nightmare's in his head fades. I settle in for another long night.
I wake suddenly several hours later. I didn't mean to fall asleep, but I suppose four days without sleep finally caught up with me. Cloud's asleep too, and he looks so... normal. He's sleeping the same way he always did when we were traveling in the buggy: sitting up straight, his arms folded over his chest, head bent. After he'd driven for nine hours straight, I'd kick him out of the pilot's seat and take over. He never went far, just settling in the co-pilot's seat and falling asleep almost immediately. His neck would get sore if he slept like that for more than a few hours, so I'd wake him up after a while and get someone to chase him out and to a real bed.
I blink the sudden tears from my eyes and stand, going to the sink. Cloud's blood is all over my hands, and I'm trying not to think of the bad omens that represents. I run a towel under the water and go back to Cloud, wiping the dried blood off his hands. His palms look slashed, like someone's taken a ragged chunk of metal to them. I ought to get the nurse to bandage them tomorrow, or they won't heal properly and he won't be able to hold his sword--
The tears that have been threatening all night win, and I cover my face with my hands, sobbing. He's dying slowly, anyone can see that. He's losing his mind before the poison destroys his body too. I'm going to lose him, and I'll be alone again. I was so lonely in Midgar, even with Barret and Marlene and AVALANCHE. Then Cloud came back, and we set out to stop Shin-Ra and Sephiroth... and with Cloud, I wasn't lonely anymore.
Now, sitting here with essentially a shell of him, I'm lonelier than I ever was in Midgar. I wipe tears off my face and look up at Cloud. He's awake. I guess my crying woke him. He stares at a point past my shoulder, expression blank.
"Cloud?"
No reaction.
"Cloud, I know you can hear me. I know you're in there." I think I'm getting hysterical. I'm laughing, but I'm crying too. There's something wrong with that… But I just don't care anymore.
"You promised you'd rescue me when I was in trouble-- I'm in trouble, Cloud. Wake up and rescue me, please!" When did I stand up? Cloud's expression hasn't changed the whole time I've been screaming. I raise my hand to hit him.
"Look at me, god damn it!"
I stop cold, gasping, my breath hitching on sobs. My hand falls back to my side, and I drop to my knees in front of Cloud.
"I'm sorry... so sorry..."
I fold my arms across Cloud's knees and rest my forehead against them.
"It's not your fault... I just... I'm so scared of being alone again, Cloud."
My voice drops to a hoarse whisper.
"Please don't leave me."
He doesn't move.