I drop onto the single real bed on the Highwind and cover my face with my hands. I'm a fake. A lie. The past few months don't belong to me... they're the life of some twisted creation, of my deranged mind. I...I was so incompetent, so weak, that I convinced myself I was someone else. Someone better. I made myself into Zack...
And I forgot about the first real friend I ever had.
The door opens and I jerk my head up, looking over at the door. Tifa stands there, looking uncertain.
"I...I, uh, wanted to see if you were all right..." she says, her voice echoing her nervous posture. She never sounds like that. I guess finding out what I'd done really threw her. She probably hates me.
"I'm fine... just tired."
"Liar."
"True enough," I reply, smiling bitterly as I fall backwards onto the bed. Tifa sighs and walks into the room, shutting the door behind her.
"You know damn well that's not what I meant, Cloud Strife," she says angrily. I shrug.
"Doesn't matter. That's what I am. A liar, a failure, the reason this world's about to be destroyed--"
"Shut up!" I raise my head to look at Tifa. I have never seen her look this mad. She glares at me, looking ready to strangle me. Or bludgeon me with my own sword.
"I know you are furious with yourself for this whole mess, but this self-loathing is really starting to piss me off," Tifa hisses, taking a step towards me. She looks me over for a moment, her eyes taking in the torn SOLDIER uniform, the bandages on my left arm, the utterly defeated expression on my face. She sighs, and the anger seems to just disappear from her. She sighs and sits down cross-legged on the bed near my waist.
"Why do you hate yourself so much?" she asks quietly after a few minutes of silence. I stare at her.
"I-I don't hate myself, I'm just--"
"Cloud." I fall silent. I never really thought about it like that... It's normal to think of myself as a failure, as weak, as not good enough.
Never good enough for them...
"Why, Cloud?"
She's not going to leave me alone until I give her some kind of answer.
"Because I'm a failure, just like Hojo said. I- I was never good at anything, I was just that damn Strife bastard--" I cut myself off, realizing what I've said. Tifa just stares at me, shaking her head slightly.
"It's 'cause of Nibelheim, isn't it," she says sadly. I could pretend I think she's talking about five years ago, but I know she's not. I nod, closing my eyes. This hurts. This is why I didn't want to remember, why I hid myself behind Zack--
"No one liked Mom or me. Ever. She was 'that city-bred whore' that everyone kept their kids away from, like she'd infect them or something." Is that my voice that sounds so bitter? "I was even worse-- the bastard kid who thought he was better than everyone else." I'm glad my eyes are closed. I don't want to see Tifa's face. "You know why I never played with the other kids? It wasn't 'cause I thought I was better, not at first... it was because everyone's parents told them to stay away from me and Mom. I knew that."
"My dad..." I open my eyes to look at Tifa. She looks sad, staring at me but not really seeing me. "I don't know if you remember this... one day when I was about seven, I was walking home from school, and your mom said hello to me. She told me she'd made cookies, did I want some?" She smiles, shakes her head. "I was seven and offered free sweets. I went inside, had some great cookies, talked to Ms. Strife for a while... then I went home. I don't know where you were--"
I remember. "Detention. Some of the older kids had picked on me, tried to beat me up. The teacher punished me instead of them, 'cause no one would hold it against her. Mom told me you'd stopped by at dinner."
Tifa nods. "Anyway, I went home and Dad started yelling at me, wondering where I'd been. I told him, and he got really angry. He said I shouldn't ever talk to Ms. Strife again, that he wouldn't have his daughter around that sort of woman... Mom said he was being too harsh, but he didn't listen. I didn't want to get yelled at again, so..."
"You stayed away."
"Yeah... I never told you how sorry I am."
"It's okay... we were kids, we didn't know better."
"Yeah, but--"
"And you were always a lot nicer to me than the other kids were." I try to smile at her. I'm not sure how well it works. "Don't beat yourself up over it. I don't blame you."
Tifa shrugs, staring off into space again. She focuses suddenly, looking back at me. "I wanted to tell you... while we were in the Lifestream, I remembered something. We weren't all that close as kids, I know, but when you left... I missed you. I read the papers all the time, hoping to see an article about you."
She did? I--I didn't know that, I thought she'd just forgotten about me like everyone else...
"I... Th-thanks, Tifa." We sit in silence for a while, then Tifa asks, "Where was your mom from?"
I sigh. "Midgar. She worked for Shin-Ra for a while, met a guy who worked there, got pregnant with me, left town and went to Nibelheim." Anticipating her next question, I continue, "I think she left 'cause her family pretty much disowned her. She was only 18 when I was born."
And only 34 when she died...
"I never knew that," Tifa says.
I shrug, closing my eyes again. "Mom didn't talk about her past much... she said I looked like her, but I was smart like my dad. Liked to fight like him too."
"And you have no idea who your father is?"
"None... Mom told me he died when I was young. She always said she'd tell me who he was when I was older..." I shake my head. "But the last time I saw her was when I was fourteen."
Tifa sounds startled. "Didn't you go to see her when you and Zack and Sephiroth came to Nibelheim?"
Ah, hell... of course she'd remember that. The story I told in Kalm... I said I went back to my house, visited Mom. I made that up. That whole memory, from beginning to end, was fake. She'd stayed inside like everyone else in town had. I didn't see her once.
"No... I didn't. I'd told everyone I was in SOLDIER, remember? I didn't want everyone to know I was just a guard. I knew what they'd say..." My voice sounds harsh, angry. "Damn Strife kid, I knew he'd never amount to anything. Just a lousy Shin-Ra guard..." I sigh heavily. "I didn't want to deal with it, and I didn't want Mom to have to deal with it either. She had enough problems to begin with..." I bite my lip, unable to talk around the lump in my throat. My eyes fly open as I feel Tifa's weight on my chest, her arms halfway wrapped around me in a hug.
"I miss them too," she says softly. I move my arms to hug her back, but she pulls away and sits up before I can. I sit up too, rubbing the back of my neck in a habitual gesture of uncertainty. We sit side by side as another silence falls over the room.
"Is that why you left Nibelheim so young?"
I look over at Tifa. "I feel like I'm being interviewed," I reply, dodging the question. She mock-glares at me.
"You're not talking voluntarily, so I have to ask. Besides, I've realized I don't really know that much about you."
I wait for her to continue. When she doesn't, I prompt her. "And...?"
"And I don't like that."
I shrug, then return to her question. "Is what why I left Nibelheim?"
"Cloud!"
"What? I don't know what you're asking me."
"The way everyone treated you and Ms. Strife. Is that why?"
Oh. That's what she meant. "Yeah, part of it. It was also... I wanted to be stronger, strong enough to protect people. Strong enough to… to be noticed…" I shake my head and sigh. "I wanted to join SOLDIER so I could be a hero... I just ended up a guard."
"You are, though."
"What?"
"You are a hero..." Tifa says softly, like she can't believe I didn't know this. I shake my head. I'm no hero. I'm the reason Meteor is headed for the Planet, the reason Sephiroth is days away from becoming a god. It's because I'm so damn weak... I was too weak to keep him from taking over my mind.
"You're wrong. I'm not a hero or a savior or anything. I'm just... Cloud Strife, bastard son of Nibelheim and Shin-Ra." Tifa's angry at me again. She's glaring at me but trying not to. I continue talking. "I've made so many mistakes, Tifa. I let Sephiroth have the Black Materia. I didn't save Aeris, or even try to protect her. I lied to everyone, including myself, because I couldn't deal with how weak I was--"
"You're not weak," Tifa says, letting a little of her frustration show. "Cloud, the whole time you were missing in the Lifestream, then in Mideel... we all realized you were our support, our strength. You were the one driving us to do this... without you, it didn't feel right. It felt like our reason for fighting was gone." Her voice drops, so I have to lean a little closer to hear. "And I missed you, because... you were the one person I could trust to take care of things. If you told me it would be all right, you'd handle it, I knew it would be ok. Because you've never once let me down."
She... she really means that? That may be the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. I guess she doesn't hate me after all... They don't think I'm a failure.
That's going to take some getting used to.
I smile at Tifa. "Thanks," I say quietly. She smiles back, then leans over and rests her head on my shoulder.
"That's what friends are for," she replies. I feel rather than hear her sigh, and she continues, "I don't know if we were really friends when we were kids, but I think we are now."
"Considering all we've been through, I think we'd have to be," I reply absently. The idea of people liking me for… me is a little disconcerting. Tifa sits up, then looks over at me.
"You ought to get some sleep... you're still recovering," she tells me. I shrug and allow her to playfully push me backwards on the bed. I crawl under the blankets, realizing I really am tired.
"G'night, Tifa."
"It's the middle of the afternoon."
"Whatever."
Tifa laughs as she stands up. She looks down at me, smiling, then suddenly leans over and kisses my forehead.
"Get some rest," she whispers, then hurries out. I stare at the closed door, feeling confused. She... no, not going to worry about it now. I close my eyes and hope for a dreamless sleep.