E is for Entropy, Endearments, and Endings.

In which Xander thinks, Spike reassures him, and the Slayer finds out more than she ever wanted to know.
A week later, Xander sat on the balcony of his apartment and watched the sun come up.

He sat in the wooden deck chair, wearing only a hastily-pulled on pair of jeans that he'd zipped but not bothered to button, and sipped from a cup of very black coffee. He hadn't yet showered or shaved, and he really had no idea why he was awake and out here before dawn.

And that was a lie. He'd been doing it for weeks now; he damn well knew when it had become a habit.

It had started the morning when Xander had woken up to find out that Spike wasn't in the apartment. Usually Spike would come in just before the sun came up, and they'd exchange some sort of vague greeting as Xander stumbled towards either the bathroom or the kitchen and Spike made his way back to the bedroom to crash for the day. But that day Spike hadn't made it in time, and had spent the day holed up in his old crypt while Xander had been left to go almost out of his head with worry over what had happened.

Spike had strolled in just after sunset, saying nothing but a short, "Sun caught me. Stayed in the crypt," before going to change in his room. And Xander had collapsed on the couch like a puppet whose strings had been cut, feeling all of his awful fears wash out of him and relief come in to take their place. He'd said nothing to Spike. Instead, he'd started waking up just before the sun came up- his body waking him up before his alarm went off- so he'd never have to wake up and feel that gut-wrenching kick of fear. Something might still happen and Spike might not show up, but at least Xander would at least know it as it happened, rather than coming from perpetually uneasy dreams to an echoingly empty apartment.

When the fuck had he fallen in love with Spike? Honestly, he didn't know. He knew he hadn't felt this way before Spike had moved in with him- reluctant attraction, yes, but definitely not love. And then Anya had decided that her life wasn't going anywhere in Sunnydale with him, and she'd left him without a single backwards glance. And Spike had been there to get him drunk afterwards, and then somewhere after that Spike moved in and Xander fell in love with him- bam, boom, flat on his face.

He heard a click from his room, and then the soft strains of music as his clock radio turned on for his wake-up call. Nevermind that he was always already awake.

"You could be the devil in my bed/ You could be the angel in my head/ You could be the voices that I hear/ I'm singing along because it sounds just like you're near."

Whenever it had happened, he'd fallen in love with Spike. And had stayed that way, despite his very best efforts. So he'd finally shrugged and accepted it, and had spent the next several months surprisingly comfortable with his longing. Comfortable because he knew that there was no chance that Spike could even be attracted to him, much less anything else, and so he could learn to live with the state of affairs. Comfortable because his misery had become almost routine.

"I could be the drug you can't resist/ I could be the antidote you missed/ I could be the love you hate to fear/ You're filling the hole inside your heart with feeling near to me."

And then there was that night at the club, and he'd admitted everything to Spike, and in the face of all odds, it had worked out. Spike had tracked him down when he'd run to Angel's hotel, the only place his foggy mind had been able to think of, and then Spike had kissed him and told him that he wanted to be with him.

And then they'd waved goodbye to Angel, Xander smiling at him and thanking him for putting up with all the drama, and they'd gone back to Xander's house filled with a rosy little glow.

"Cause you're so beautiful/ You're beautiful today/ You're so beautiful/ Beautiful in every little way/ Cause when you're coming around/ I'm off the ground/ I've got to say/ You're so beautiful/ You're beautiful today."

Only things didn't stay quite so rosy. They'd both gone to bed- but in separate beds. They'd both slept for several hours, and then when they'd woken up it was like nothing had changed. Like Xander had never confessed his love, like Spike had never kissed him, like the night had never happened.

The only difference was that now Xander could feel Spike watching him when he hadn't before, and every now and then there were a few casual endearments thrown in amongst Spike's usual words. Xander didn't know what it meant, and it was making his head hurt.

"And I know/ And I feel/ That I could learn to hate just like you/ And I know/ And I feel/ That you could learn to love just like me."

Did Spike care about him? Or was he just playing with him? Xander didn't think it was the latter, but it was hard to believe the former, and so he was left not knowing which end was up.

"Can we make it through together/ I've got to fly..."

Suddenly he could feel someone standing behind him, and when he heard Spike say, "Mornin', Xan," there was one short moment when all his worries were forgotten.

He twisted around in his chair, mindful of the hot coffee in his hand, and smiled up at the vampire. "Morning yourself. Didn't hear you come in."

Spike smirked. "I was quiet."

Translation: I was sneaking because I was hoping to startle you. Didn't work, so I'm gonna pretend that I wasn't trying.

"Yeah, okay," Xander said, and his own smirk said that he knew what Spike was up to. "You gonna crash?"

"Yeah," Spike said. "What about you? Gonna head out to work?"

Xander held up his cup of coffee. "Finish this first, then I'll get ready." Pause. "Hell, I forgot. Today's Saturday. Guess I'll work on broken coffee table, if the noise won't bother you any."

"Nah, 's no problem." Spike made a small movement, like he was about to leave, but was hesitating, as if waiting for something. Waiting for what, though?

"Spike." Xander's voice was serious now.

"Yeah?" Spike sounded almost... hopeful.

"Are you playing some sort of game here?"

Spike's expression of shock would have been priceless in almost any other situation. "Playing a... Fuck, no, Xan! You really thought that I might be..."

Xander shrugged, hunched his shoulders a little. "Well, a week ago we had the big dramatic scene and there was kissing and stuff, and then the next day it's like nothing ever happened. What was I supposed to think?"

"Not that, you lack-witted little..." He trailed off when he saw Xander's expression, then sighed, a loud, explosive sound, and turned his back as he ran both hands through his hair in an exquisitely frustrated gesture. "Was trying to take it slow, was all," he muttered, almost too low for Xander to hear. Almost. "Saw your face when I got up the next day, and you looked at me all wide-eyed, and I thought maybe you were havin' second thoughts, or somesuch. So I figured I'd start out slow, feel you out, see how you felt about it all. Didn't mean to... well, you know."

Xander stood up, very carefully set his coffee on the arm of the deck chair, and moved into the doorway to put a hand on Spike's shoulder. "Spike." The vampire didn't turn around. "Spike, would you look at me already?"

Spike turned, and Xander brought both hands up to very carefully frame Spike's smaller face. "I want you," he said, very seriously, and then brought his mouth down to kiss Spike, softly at first, as he tried to make his point, and then harder as Spike responded and Xander forgot what his point was, and indeed that he was trying to make one.

A minute later they pulled apart, both of them breathing a little heavily. "So," Spike said after a long moment of staring at each other. "I'm guessing that I was moving a bit too slow."

"That would be safe to say," Xander said, and ran one hand over Spike's already-mussed hair. Spike leaned into his touch like a cat asking to be petted, so Xander did it again. "Also, for the record? The look you saw last week- that was me wondering if you were having second thoughts."

Spike gave him a disbelieving look before uttering a disgusted noise. "Fucking figures." Pause. "So what you're saying is, I wasted this whole week because I misunderstood a look and didn't have the brains to ask what you were thinking?"

"Pretty much," Xander said cheerfully. Spike gave him a baleful look. "Oh, relax. We can probably make up for that wasted week if we try hard enough, you know."

Spike smirked at him, but when Xander made as if to pull him closer, Spike hesitated. Xander dropped his hand like a stone and said, very carefully, "Or do you not want..."

"No!" Spike denied hastily, seeing the look on his face. "It's just that maybe I wasn't wrong with the whole 'moving slow' thing. Just, maybe not that slow." When Xander didn't say anything, Spike hunched his shoulders and said, "Sayin' it all wrong, I s'pose. It's just... it's different with you. Been friends for a while and now it's like-"

"It's like we've been dating for months, and at the same time we've never had a first date," Xander finished for him. "Yeah, I get it."

"Yeah," Spike said with relief. "And as much as I want to-" Pause for a smoldering look that had Xander's cock jumping in his jeans. "-And I really want to, I sorta want to, well, take it slow. Make it count. Not gonna get the first time back, you know? You can only have it once."

"Why Spike," Xander teased. "You're a closet romantic, aren't you?"

"Not," Spike denied. "Sod off."

Xander just laughed and pulled him into a loose embrace. "Nah. Got you where I want you."

"That right?" Spike challenged lazily, not making any move to get away.

"That's right," Xander confirmed, and Spike, held comfortably against all that human warmth, couldn't help but smile to himself at the way Xander was unconsciously stroking his back, like he didn't even know what he was doing.

They stood like that for a minute, until Xander finally stirred and said, "So, if we're going to do the 'going slow' dating thing, there's no time like the present to start. Movie sound good to you?"

Spike took a brief moment to consider the last time he went to a movie theatre- screaming kids, sticky floors, cell phones ringing...

Something of what he was thinking must have shown on his face, because Xander laughed and added, "I meant here. There's gotta be at least one we haven't watched yet." He turned to regard the huge, haphazard pile of DVD cases sitting next to the tv. "Well, I think so, anyway."

"Sounds good," Spike said, and Xander grinned down at him. The expression softened into a smile after a second, though, and Xander tilted his head down for one fast, devastating kiss before turning Spike loose and wandering into the living room, cup of coffee in hand. Spike took a moment to wonder when, exactly, Xander had grabbed it, then just shrugged and went into the kitchen to get his own breakfast.

"Hey, Spike! Grab me a Pop-Tart or something while you're in there, will you?"

"Sure, love," he called back, and in the other room Xander smiled to himself. Knowing that Spike meant the endearments that he used was all the comfort that Xander could need.

Fishing one out of the stack, he called, "Blade sound good to you?"

"Shit, no. We've seen it a million times. And it's total crap. Pick something different for a change."

Xander smiled again. Yeah, things were back on track all right. And that's all that he could want.

For now.

It should have been a routine patrol. It would have been a routine patrol, and Buffy would have lived happily in her own little denial-land, except the vampire she'd been fighting had suddenly seemed to wake up and smell the perfume and realize that he was fighting the Slayer, and had promptly run like hell.

She'd chased him, of course- and almost turned her ankle in her stylish new boots!- but he'd been faster than she'd expected, and so he'd made all the way into the bad district before she'd been able to catch up with him. And then after she'd taken care of him, she'd noticed someone staggering out of a nearby building with bite marks covering his arms, and a blessed-out expression on her face.

Great. Most towns had to worry about people with needle tracks. But noooo, Buffy was doomed to live on the Hellmouth, where people had vampire bites instead. It wasn't the first time Buffy'd heard about it, but it still creeped her out.

So she'd gone in, ready to kill vamps and rescue Sunnydale's junkies from themselves, and then she'd seen...

Riley.

He saw her, of course. She did look a bit out of place in the seedy warehouse, with her bright clothes and the stake in her hand and everything, and when she walked in he glanced up and saw her. Their eyes met for a moment, and all she could think was Riley?

And then the sight of the vampiress feeding from the crook of his elbow registered, and she saw the panic in his eyes and somehow that confirmed that this wasn't some horrible hallucination, and she felt her stomach do a slow roll. And then she was running, down the stairs and out of the building and she was halfway down the street before the pain hit.

She just kept running, because if she stopped it would really sink in, and then she thought that she'd just... curl up and die. And she couldn't do that, because she was the fucking Slayer and she had to be strong and happy and all that shit.

But since she didn't want to be strong and happy, she wanted to run to a friend and have someone hold her and comfort her and tell her that it was going to all be okay, she kept going. Thought briefly about going to Willow's, but realized that Tara would be there and it would just be awkward. So she changed directions and head for Xander's apartment building, knowing that Spike always stayed out all night so he wouldn't be there to laugh at her and make her feel worse. And Xander would comfort her and make her feel better like he always did, and it would all be okay.

But when she got to his apartment and opened door with the key he'd given her the day he'd moved in, she didn't see the dark, empty rooms she'd expected. She didn't even see Xander sitting on the couch, surfing through late-night TV as she knew he did sometimes when he couldn't sleep.

Instead she saw Spike, pushing Xander back against the couch, and... kissing him? Buffy's first instinct was to stride forward, push him off her friend, and what did he think he was doing anyway, but then she saw that Xander was kissing him back, and quite happily too. They were both shirtless, and Spike's hands were twisted in Xander's too-long hair while Xander had one hand on the small of Spike's back and the other in his back pocket, kneading at Spike's ass while Spike made happy moaning noises and shifted so that he could better straddle Xander's body.

"Oh, god."

And when both of them looked up at her, their expressions glazed with lust and a sort of drunken giddy happiness that was rapidly edging towards panic, she realized that nothing would ever be okay again.