Title: Clandestine Affair
Written by: ChaosMagicianGirl
Start date: 10 December, 2005
Finished: 24 December, 2005
Chapter two: Solitary Bird
A/N:
I did say last chapter it wasn't going to take me nearly as long to come up with the next instalment. And it's true. This is a fast update compared to the length of my usual updates. That's two chapters in one month! Be grateful! - Right now, I tend to focus on this baby of mine. Sure, I should be working on updating and revising my other work, but even though it's holiday, I really haven't got that much time on my hands! I'm really sorry, peepz, but that's life! I mean, I do have a life besides writing fanfictions. Some people seem to forget that...
Anyway, hope you enjoy, because even though I updated pretty fast, this chapter was really giving me a lot of trouble. And for some reason, I'm still not satisfied with it...
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A deer caught in the headlights 24/7, that was a good comparison to the state he felt trapped in, more often than not.
Always on edge, ever alert about his environment and other people's intentions. Poised and ready to strike whenever necessary.
Keeping up walls, protecting your innermost feelings…
Such a tiring process to participate in, time and time again.
Sometimes he felt within himself the by now almost foreign urge to indulge in feelings. To let anger, sadness and despair flow. But he could not. For if he set loose the beast, carefully crafted reigns would loose the power they wielded.
Mulling over thoughts, pondering over everyday trivialities were things best left unexplored or analysed.
If one would take a closer look a psychiatrist undercover would be exposed. He was an expert at observing people's mannerisms, baring quirks, dissecting their personalities.
Finding weaknesses, and categorising them, he exploited the created advantages whenever in his range of benefits.
Other people would deem his methods cruel, finding the callousness he used to deal with situations outrageous.
Fellow peers, among his age, mostly males, found his behaviour oddly disturbing, and probably went out of their way to avoid him. Not that he would blame them. He wouldn't want to associate with himself either, if he were to be placed in their shoes. But alas, that was not the case...
However, his countenance did not seem to bother a good chunk of the female population. They seemed to adore him, no matter what, some even bordering on flat-out obsession.
He had never announced the grand opening of his own official fan club, but it seemed to be the case a lot of girls had taken it upon themselves to form private circles, and participating in some idiotic ritual, idolising him, worshipping the ground his feet walked upon.
What the content of such gatherings included, he would probably never know, and didn't even want to know. Allowing his mind to wander on the possibilities made his stomach churn.
It was utterly pathetic…To stoop so low…
It was utter humiliation, not to mention incredibly degrading to be dubbed their object of "affection".
But since he could not hope to stop them, he ignored them instead. Something he happened to be very adapt at.
Some people appreciated him, and that was specific attention received and enjoyed.
Kids at the Domino orphanage were overjoyed with the pile of gifts that was bestowed upon them each year during Christmas, ever since he had become CEO of KC.
The personnel at the place were more than thankful for the generous amounts of private donations offered by yours truly.
Of course they did not know the person organising it all, sitting behind the curtains. But that was irrelevant. They were grateful and that was all that mattered to him. He only knew too well the lives the kids led there. He was one of them…
Yugi Moto issued a silent form of respect toward him, and whether he wanted to admit it or not, even the Chichewa harboured a grudging respect toward him, mainly for his obvious skills as a duellist, he assumed.
Subtle things had changed between him and Yugi Moto's little "circle of friends". Changes he didn't want to acknowledge.
He had gotten too close to the fire, burned himself and had to retreat.
It was necessary, an installed instinct he followed, like a computer obeying orders without question with one click of the mouse. A programmed code instructed him on what to do, how to behave, and he heeded it.
No matter what he told himself, Gazuboru still left neat, distinctive, recognised patterns, running like a red thread through his everyday life. Sometimes unwittingly, other times to his full awareness.
He was always isolating himself, because he had to. Detachment had almost become an automatic reflex by now. Although he had tried to convince himself of the fact that he didn't need anybody, he knew he was only fooling himself, and his behaviour was not considered "healthy".
In social studies you were taught that humans depended upon other humans to survive and function. Humans were sociable creatures by nature, not solitary birds. There was nothing to be done about. It was only logical, fact..
No matter how much it disgusted him to admit that deeply rooted inside of him, cloaked under thick veils, a longing for companionship was firmly imbedded.
He could deny it all he wanted. It wouldn't change anything. That didn't mean however he could not foolishly attempt to ignore it.
Burying himself in work nowadays seemed to work like a fine escape route. But it was only a temporary "cure" for the ailment that plagued him. It worked like a painkiller, numbing and lulling the vile "disease".
Covering the latter made him remember, he had pressing matters to attend to. A certain workload on his desk was waiting to be finished, and he really should…
Vague sounds in the background, something akin to a door slamming shut, had serious trouble registering in his mind, if at all succeeding.
He was interrupted from indulging in any more musings of the mind when a voice as sharp as a knife cut through the silence abruptly.
"Earth to Ni-sama! Anybody there?" enquired Mokuba in an exasperated tone, becoming indignant when he received no intelligible response from his older brother.
Seto wore a vacant expression on his face, and his eyes were unfocussed, hazy. His gaze was most definitely not clear and sharp as a dagger like normally would be the case.
It worried the young preteen more than anything. What's with Seto lately? His behaviour is really off-key. I know something is the matter, and I want to know what.
As a last resort he snapped his fingers in front of his brother's face, and that trick seemed to work like a charm.
Eyes widening at the unexpected gesture, a shiver of blatant surprise ran down Seto's spine.
"Nani?" he cried out in a startled fashion, his eyes darting around wildly before finally settling on his younger brother. He calmed down instantly when he pinpointed the whereabouts of the culprit who scared him out of his wits.
"Seto, are you alright?" questioned Mokuba, worry firmly imbedded in his chosen tone of voice, an imploring look in his eyes, subtly trying to coax his brother into telling him what was the matter.
"Uh, I mean, didn't you hear me calling?" he added somewhat sheepishly when he saw a frown mar his brother's face.
Placing a hand on his brother's shoulder, Mokuba gave a reassuring squeeze.
Stiffening somewhat under his younger brother's touch, Seto obeyed a very old nervous habit he thought he didn't posses anymore by averting his eyes.
Had he really been so engrossed in his own realm of thoughts that he had even failed to notice his own brother come in?
Seeing his older brother visibly flinch under his harmless touch, a pang of hurt flashed through Mokuba's dark-blue eyes momentarily.
Of course, it was to be expected his brother would react this way. It had been like this ever since they became Kaiba's. The name in itself inspired raw emotions within Mokuba.
It was not that his brother was repulsed by his very essence, or that he deemed Mokuba something vile, it was something else entirely. Seto's reactions were pure instinct drilled into his head, spirit and soul, making him allergic for touches, purely because he was taught touching equals pain.
A glum, seemingly somewhat forlorn smile made the corners of Seto's mouth quirk upward. A rare smile, however a sad one in nature. Knitting the long, slender fingers of his hands together, and positioning his elbows on top of his polished desk, he led his head rest on his arms. A wistful sigh escaped his lips.
"I'm fine; really…I've just had trouble sleeping as of late…"
Trouble sleeping…Heh, that was probably the understatement of the year, according to Mokuba. He knew what kind of "trouble with sleeping" Seto was hinting at. The only problem here was, he never openly showed to Mokuba more than the shallow surface of his true feelings and was carefully guarded when his problems came up for discussion, never revealing more than the tip of a vast ice-berg.
Sometimes it frustrated him beyond belief. It's like Seto didn't trust him anymore.
Therefore Mokuba rewarded his older brother with an incredulous look, and a sceptical raised eye-brow.
Even though Seto probably was unaware, his smile had betrayed his deprivation of human contact and the loneliness he always surrounded himself with did nothing to improve things. If his brother kept this up, he was slowly, but surely going to drift away to a place where not even Mokuba could reach him anymore. Lately getting through to his brother had become more difficult each passing day.
Ni-sama, why do you always isolate yourself so? Not everyone is out to get you…
Seto only let an almost inaudible snort of annoyance. He should have known his brother wouldn't be so easily dissuaded from finding out what was bothering him.
And there you go again, Ni-sama, hiding your true self away behind a façade of indifference…and a mask of anger…
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His back solidly leaning against the cool wall next to his little brother's bedroom door, his arms were methodically crossed in front of his chest.
He was restless. Like many nights were the case he didn't want sleep to come to him.
He had a very good reason for being an educated and refined insomniac, as well as a workaholic. Call him a coward if you will, but by remaining in the realm of consciousness, he wouldn't be in for a few nasty surprises.
Haunting, vivid dreams that were once real-life experiences would not receive an invitation of gaining access to his mind. He wanted to keep past demons out. Surrendering to the temptation of sleep would mean momentarily forfeiting his dominant position on the chest board, willingly usurping an inferior position, leaving memories free to do as they pleased, and wreaking havoc on his mind, spirit and body. They ripped open old wounds without shame or discretion and lacking of regard for the damage they left behind.
And so, firm control was his biggest asset, but currently it was slipping through his fingers, and at such a rapid speeds, it left his mind reeling with the aftershock.
He was highly alarmed by his lack of focus on the world, as of late. Today even his brother had begun to notice. What if this were to happen during a meeting, or during other activities of the day. He couldn't allow that to happen. He had to get a hold of himself, he…
"Ahondara…," he whispered to himself, letting his fingers dig into the flesh of his hand palms accusingly.
Feelings were a deceitful curse, feasting and praying on what was left of his sanity, whenever he offered them a chance.
((Don't let Him break you, Seto…))
His brother always reminded him….Bringing him back when he was falling.
'Don't worry, Mokuba, for you I will, and for myself as well…'
"You either bend or break..," he quietly recited to himself aloud, his eyes warily scrutinising the royal blue wall opposite of him.
And ignoring the persistent Voice in his head, Seto gave Mokuba an affectionate tap on the nose, and bid him good night, "Sweet dreams, kiddo."
He wished for his younger brother to always receive peaceful slumber, and undisturbed rest.
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A/N:
Well, that wraps up chapter two. Whew! Seto Kaiba is one of my favorite characters on Yu-Gi-Oh...but boy, it is darn difficult to get him pinned down just right. Not to mention portraying the relationship between Mokuba and him...
:scratches head: So uh, please let me know if Seto was IC, or horribly OOC, okay?
CMG, signing out!
Disclaimer: No © infringement intended. The characters I use in this story belong to their respective owners. This story is written solely for entertainment purposes.
"Clandestine Affair" © ChaosMagicianGirl
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