Chapter Four: Hogwarts under Fire
A/N
Hope you like this one! I cried writing it, but it was fun!
Several months later Jack and Lily were out by the Qudditch pitch going over some things for their match against Ravenclaw the following weekend. It was late March and for the first time since the Christmas Holidays they were able to stay at school for the entire weekend. Nothing was really going on at the auror department at the moment. The death eaters seemed to be maintaining a low profile and were not causing any trouble.
Stepping out of the caption's office hand in hand Jack and Lily made their way out of the stadium and towards the castle where they saw flashes of light thought various windows. They stopped dead in their tracks and looked at each other in confusion. It wasn't until they heard screams that they began to sprint toward the castle. Once inside they got separated amiss all the chaos of the raging battle.
For the first time since the final battle with Voldermort, Hogwarts castle was under assault. Death eaters roamed the halls which were once filled with the laughter of students. The attack was expected and considered imminent, but no one could have guessed how bad things would be in the end, or that they would attempt an attack at Hogwarts. Death eaters had sworn to get even with whoever was responsible for putting so many of their number behind bars. These days the death eaters were unorganized and unpredictable, which made them harder to deal with.
When the battle was over several hours later, good once again triumphed over evil, but not without a price. Several of the ministry's aurors had been killed in the process, and the school was once again in shambles.
Lily Potter woke up and found herself in the dungeon where potion classes were once held years ago. The last thing she remembered was being in a duel with a death eater, watching him fall to his knees, and then waking up just now.
Groaning in pain she noticed that her shoulder was dislocated, but other than a few minor scrapes and bruises she seemed to be okay. She looked around the room and the events of the night came back to her like a rolling tide. The death eaters were everywhere, how could there have been so many? She and Allan had been cornered by three of them in the dungeon. They took out one of them together before things got out of hand. She remembered the one death eater that was fighting against Allan had mumbled something, and then saw a flash of green light, and she knew exactly what that had meant. After the death eater then fell over dead from his own injuries, Lily was left to finish off the other one.
Glancing over to her left she saw Allan's body. Cold and stiff, he lied on the floor, dead but ironically unscratched. Walking over to him and falling down to her knees she wept at the loss of her friend. They had been friends at the orphanage for years, and now he was dead and she couldn't help but feel that it was all her fault.
She turned her head to the left and found three more bodies. They were all dressed in typical death eater uniforms. "I did that," she thought to herself, "I did that, I killed those men."
"LILY," a voice screamed from behind her. She recognized the woman as a member of the auror department. "What happened here? Everyone's been looking for you. You've been gone for hours."
Placing her hand on the base of her scull, Lily found a large and painful lump, "I must have been knocked out when I fell. I guess I was out longer than I thought." Turning her attention back to Allan, she rolled him over onto his back and closed his eyes. His skin was still warm, though it was fleeting warmth, growing colder by the second. How did things get so bad?
"Lily you'd better get up to the hospital wing," the woman said taking a step towards her.
"Why what's wrong?"
"It's Jack…he's hurt."
Lily didn't need the woman to explain anymore. She got up from where she was still kneeling beside Allan's body and bolted out of the dungeon and up the many stairs to the main floor. The run to the hospital wing seemed to take forever, and only partly because she was on the other side of the school. Her heart was beating faster than ever before. She ran the worst case scenarios through her mind over and over again, "Please don't be dead," she prayed to herself in her mind. She barely noticed the state the castle was in. There were bodies everywhere. The place looked like a war zone, well in a way it was.
She finally reached the hospital wing to find Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron standing outside. They both looked as if they had just been through hell and back. They were covered in dirt and dust. Aunt Hermione's lip was bleeding and Uncle Ron was sitting down holding his leg as if in pain. She had never been so glade to see them in her entire life.
When Hermione turned around, she saw Lily running towards her. She nearly cried in relief. They hadn't heard from her in hours and they were beginning to fear the worst. "Oh, you're here! Thank God," she said before pulling her into a rib crushing hug, which did not help to ease the pain in Lily's shoulder. "We were so worried! No one could find you and Jack said he hadn't seen you since all of this began. Where have you been? Are you alright? You aren't hurt are you?" Aunt Hermione took a step back and examined her from head to toe.
"No Aunt Hermione, I'm not hurt. I'll be just fine."
Someone other than Hermione and Ron spoke up interrupting the almost pleasant reunion, "I'm telling you right now I have no intention of calming down until someone finds out where Lily is and we know she's alright!" The voice coming from behind the double doors was unmistakably the voice of a very angry Jack Weasley, and Lily couldn't help but sigh in reprieve. He was okay!
Ron saw her face when she heard Jack's voice and smiled at her warmly despite his own pain, "Go put him out of his misery," he said.
"Give him a kiss for us," Hermione called as Lily went through the doors. She was surprised to see that all the beds in the wing were empty, but they looked as if they had been used. "I guess I was out for a lot longer than I thought," Lily thought to herself.
"No, I do not want to go to the St. Mungos like everyone else! I'll be perfectly fine when someone tells me where my girlfriend is and why no one has heard from her since this mess began!" Jack's voice was coming from the last bed with was hidden by a curtain.
"Let me go and see what I can find out for you Mr. Weasley," Madam Jefter's voice said trying to remain calm. She came from around the curtain and when her eyes found Lily she nearly wept with joy.
Lily put her finger to her lips and silenced her so that Jack wouldn't hear her. She gave the woman a hug, "How is he," she whispered.
"He'll live…but he was lucky. He was hit with a curse or two. His heart wasn't beating when they brought him in here. But I was able to resuscitate him with a potion I'll have to teach you about. He'll be in a lot of pain for a few days, but other than that he should be okay. He's been asking for you since the moment he woke up. He was so worried you were hurt. I'll leave you two alone for a little while." she whispered before walking past her and out the double doors to give them some privacy.
Lily took a step around the curtain and found Jack sitting up with his head against some pillows, with his face looking up at the ceiling though his eyes were closed. He was holding his stomach in a way which suggested he was in a certain amount of pain. It took her a moment to realize he was sleeping lightly. She watched him for a second and entered his thoughts with her mind. She found that all he was thinking about was her, wondering if she was okay.
"I'm alright Jack…open your eyes baby…I'm right here," she said with her mind. When he started to stir she knew he got her message. He raised his head up and looked at her as waves of relief could be seen in his facial expression.
"Lily!" His voice now gave away his true condition. He was weak, very weak. She could see it in his eyes. In all their years of friendship he had always been the strong one, but now he looked utterly exhausted simply unable to carry on.
She walked over to him and sat down on the edge of the bed, "Your mother asked me to give you a kiss for her," she said as she bent down and kissed him on the forehead.
When she pulled away she saw his eyes shining with tears and she knew he no longer had the energy to hold them back. Her hand was resting next to his on the side of the bed. He moved his index finger and rubbed against the side of her hand. When she took the hint and held his hand she noticed how limp it was in her strong grasp.
"Where were you…they told me they couldn't find you…I was scared to death something had happened," he said as she wrapped her arms around his weak body. He seemed to be trying to muster enough strength to show her that he was okay.
She held him for a few moments before pulling away and examining the cuts on his face and neck. He managed to reach a hand up to the side of her face. She was desperately trying to hold back her own tears not wanting to upset him more. But when his hand touched her face she had to close her eyes to keep her tears at bay. He could see right through her act.
"I'm fine Lil! It's just a few scratches and bruises."
"Madam Jefter said your heart wasn't beating when they brought you in. We almost lost you today Jack," she said opening her eyes making perfect make eye contact with him.
When his hand touched her dislocated shoulder she couldn't help but wince in pain. He looked horrified and let his hand drop back to the bed, "You're hurt…what happened?
"It's nothing, Jack really…it's only dislocated. I can have Madam Jefter take a look at it a little later. I'm just so glad you're alright. I was down in the dungeon's when an auror came and told me you were in the hospital wing and you were hurt…I," she looked into his eyes but couldn't prevent the tears from falling any longer.
He pulled her to him more gently this time avoiding her shoulder and rubbed her back, "Shhh…everything's okay…I wasn't hurt that bad. We'll get through this just like we get through everything else. Come on Lily, don't cry. I can't stand to see you cry."
She nodded her head and slowly pulled away, "You need to rest now so your body can heal properly. I'll be right here the whole time…I'm not going anywhere," she said as she took his hand running her thumb over the back of it, "Close your eyes…I promise I'll be right here when you wake up." He did as she asked and a moment later was drawn into sleep at last.
Hours later Jack woke up to find the room around him still dark. Looking over to the chair by his bed he saw his mother asleep with her head on the shoulder of his father. He heard sounds coming from the window and turned his head and saw Lily sitting up against the wall with her knees drawn up to her chest. He thought for a minute that she may be daydreaming, but when he looked closer, he realized that she had tear's streaming down her face. She made no noise whatsoever. She just sat there absorbed in her own grief.
He never let her know he had seen her crying that night, because he just knew she needed to get her emotions out in peace and by herself. The only reason why she didn't go off by herself to do it was because she promised Jack she would be there when he woke up. Lily was never one to break a promise.
Later he found out she was crying because a good friend of theirs had been killed right before her eyes. Allan was a good guy, and they had all gotten along really well. They missed him sorely, but knew the only way to honor his was to keep on going.
Life after the battle at Hogwarts was more turbulent and far more intense. Jack and Lily spent much of their time with the auror department at the ministry of magic. They left the school grounds early in the morning and walked to Hogsmade where they could apparate to the ministry. They didn't usually return until late at night after all the other students had long since gone to bed.
Jack couldn't help but notice a change in Lily's attitude since the battle. She went out of her way to stay clear from those who cared for her. When they weren't at the ministry, or on prefect's rounds, or at Qudditch practice, she was always up in her dormitory alone. She refused to talk to anyone about her feelings, and it seemed Jack was the last person she wanted to see. At first he brushed it off, thinking she was just responding to the death of their friend. After all, everyone has their own ways of grieving, and perhaps this was just her way of processing all that had happened over the last few weeks.
One Saturday afternoon Jack and Lily were alone in the common room. Now that the weather was finally turning warmer, very few students spent their free time indoors. Lily was doing some healer homework and Jack was planning their next Qudditch practice.
"You know I think we really have a shot at taking the cup again this year. The team has been really motivated lately," he said looking up from what he was doing to find Lily staring at the fireplace in some kind of trance. "Lily, did you hear what I said?"
She nodded but returned to reading her book, though he could tell she was not concentrating on learning the things she was reading about because her eyes didn't scan the page. They stayed fixed at one part of the page, never moving anywhere else.
He stood up from his chair and sat down next to her on the couch placing an arm around her. Normally, she would have leaned into his chest or rested her head on his shoulder, but now she just pretended he hadn't done anything at all. He leaned over and kissed her cheek, "Do you have to study right at this very moment?"
She suddenly seemed to be very uncomfortable in his arms, something that had almost never happened before. "Actually, I really need to understand this stuff by Monday and I don't want to put it off until tomorrow. I think I'll go study in the library where it's quiet," she said as she pulled herself out of his grasped and left him confused and alone in the common room.
He looked for her later that night at dinner but he couldn't find her at their house table. He walked over t to where his friend Brad Garland and Dylan Jacobs were sitting.
"Hey," Jack said as he sat down.
"Hey yourself," Brad answered looking behind him as if expecting to see someone else, "Where's Lily?"
"She said she was going to the library earlier to study. I bet she just lost track of time. She'll show up sooner or later," he replied as he took a roll from the bowl in front of him.
"She wasn't in the library, mate," Dylan said threw a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
"What do you mean she wasn't in the library?" he asked sounding concerned.
"I mean she wasn't in the library. I've been in there all afternoon studying for our potions final. She never came in or else I would have seen her. Is something wrong? Did you two have a row or something," Dylan said looking over at him.
"No, everything's fine. But I think I'd better go find her. I'll talk to you later," Jack stood up and left the Great Hall without a backward glance.
Jack found out Lily had spent much of the afternoon up in the astronomy tower alone. He brushed off the incident as if it was nothing, but when this behavior continued for over a month, he started to worry. It was not like Lily to push the people she cared about away from her. He asked his mother to talk to her, but that didn't seem to help matters all that much. She only got angry with him for bringing his mother into things and told him to just leave her alone.
It wasn't until one afternoon when Lily and Jack were at the ministry training that he was finally able to get closer to the truth. They were in a large workout room with mirrors on all four walls. The room was used regularly by auror trainees in order for them to study all aspects of dueling.
Jack sat on floor in the corner of room watching Lily duel with their instructor. The battle had been going on for about thirty minutes, and she was performing terribly. It seemed as if she had lost all her will to fight. Jack shook his head as a curse sent Lily slamming against the wall for about the twelfth time since the duel began. If this were any other time, she would never have allowed those curses anywhere near her. Lily seemed to have been born to duel. She had brilliant reflexes and could think on her feet, but lately things had been different.
"I think that's enough for today," the instructor said as he walked away from Lily and toward Jack. Lily was standing with her hands on her knees looking down at the floor trying to catch her breath. When their instructor reached Jack he took him by the elbow and spoke quietly so Lily wouldn't hear him.
"Talk to her, Jack. Something's up I can see it and so can you. I've seen Lily block those curses hundreds of times before today. I understand that she's been having a hard time, and you've been trying to giving her space. But I'm not so sure that she really needs space right now."
He nodded his head in agreement and watched the auror leave him and Lily alone. Glancing back at her he saw her holding her side and breathing funny. She had probably bruised a rib during the battle, which was not an uncommon thing to happen during training. Everyday before they left the ministry they stopped by the healer's office and got checked over. Auror training was strenuous and somewhat dangerous so there was a staff of healers on duty at all times.
Jack walked over to her tentatively, silently hoping she would speak to him first. They never used to have problems communicating, but for some reason things seem different these days. When she didn't say anything and continued to hold her side with one hand facing the wall he spoke up, "Are you alright, Lil? Do you want me to take you to the healer?"
"Don't baby me, Jack. I'll be fine. It's just a bruised rib." she said harshly.
"You should still have it looked at. It's department policy."
"Since when have you been an expert on department policy?"
"Do you want to talk about it," he asked rather off guard after her callous remark.
"If you're talking about the duel, then no I don't want to talk about it. I was just a little off today. I'll get it tomorrow," she turned around and walked over to their duffle bags looking for something. She knelt on the floor and showed no intention of speaking to him again on her own feel will. He figured if he couldn't get her to talk to him in words than perhaps he could get her to talk to him through their minds. He entered her thoughts briefly and immediately noticed how much sorrow was present there. This went way beyond losing Allan. Something else had to be wrong.
Unfortunately for Jack, Lily knew he was in her thoughts and placed her hands on the sides of her head in frustration, "Get out of my head, Weasley!"
"Well, what do you expect me to do if you won't talk to me?"
"I expect you to leave me alone and respect my privacy! If I wanted to talk to you Jack I would seek you out and do just that. BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE STUPID DUEL!"
This time he wasn't backing down just yet. He walked over to where she was sitting and stood above her with his arms crossed across his chest, "I'm not even talking about the duel! If you don't want to talk to me about what went wrong today, than that's perfectly fine with me. Why don't we start with something else?"
She abruptly stopped rummaging through her duffle bag and glared up at him, "What else is there to talk about?"
"How about you tell me what's really bothering you," he answered honestly.
"Jack, if you've got something to say than just come out and say it," she said coldly.
"Alright fine, I do have some things on my mind that I've been meaning to talk to you about…What the hell is wrong with you lately? You've been avoiding everyone like the plague since the battle. You never come down from your dorm unless you have something you absolutely have to do like come here or go to Qudditch practice or class or something. You won't talk to anyone, not even me. I know you haven't been eating properly, and I can look at you and tell you haven't been sleeping. I understand things have been rough since Allan died. But talk to me Lil, there's got to be something else that's upsetting you and making you act this way."
He could tell that he'd struck a nerve this time because she looked really angry. She took a deep breath before answering, "What if I don't want to talk to you? What if I don't want to talk to anyone?"
"Lily, I'm not asking you to talk to me because you've been my girlfriend for almost two years. I'm asking because you're my best friend and I'm worried about you 'cause you're not taking care of yourself."
She zipped her duffle bag shut and swung the strap over her shoulder. "Well, like I said before, there's nothing we need to talk about. So can we go now or are you going to continue with this intervention," she asked cruelly.
As he stood there staring at her in astonishment. He realized that in their six years of friendship he had never seen her act so heartless. She was always compassionate and understanding with everyone. He searched the depths of her eyes, trying to find the old Lily he knew was in there somewhere. She had completely closed herself off to him emotionally. And when he looked at her he was heartbroken by what he saw.
He spoke evenly and quietly hoping to calm her down a bit. "There was a time when I could look you in the eye and instantly know exactly what you're thinking. But I look into your eyes now and I haven't got a clue. I don't know what's going on inside your head, but I want to help you. The only way I can do that is if you talk to me. I feel like I'm looking at a completely different person right now. The Lily Potter I know and love wouldn't act this way."
She was quick and spiteful in her response, "Well, then I guess you just don't know me as well as you thought you did! People change, Jack, and life is full of disappointment! Take it from someone who knows! You shouldn't have such high expectations of people. They're only going to disappoint you in the end." With those words she turned on her heel and left Jack completely stunned in her wake. He knew she didn't really mean the things she had said. She was upset about something and wasn't thinking straight, but that didn't stop her words from hurting.
He went after her but it didn't do any good. She was nowhere to be found. He went to the front desk and told them he and Lily were returning early to Hogwarts, and that they may not be able to come back tomorrow. He didn't know if it was such a good for them to train with Lily so upset and angry. She was libel to hurt herself or someone else, and that wouldn't help matters any.
Once back at Hogwarts he went straight to their common room to see if that's where she had gone. When he realized she wasn't there, he asked Jess, a girl from Lily's year, if she had seen her up in their dormitory.
"No Jack, I haven't seen her since yesterday after dinner," Jess answered politely.
Yesterday was a Sunday and they had not had auror training. Jack had only seen Lily at breakfast because after that she went to the hospital wing for her healer training, that's where she spent every Saturday and Sunday. He had spent the majority of the day in the library helping some of his friends with their defense homework. He hoped that she would come and find him once she was done like she usually did, but again his hopes were never realized. They didn't return to the common room until ten-o-clock, and no one else was up.
Returning his thoughts to the present Jack replied. "Thanks anyway, Jess. If you see her, would you please tell her I'm looking for her and I really need to talk to her?"
"Sure, I'll tell her," she answered she then smiled devilishly at him and added, "Did you two have fun the night before last?"
"What do you mean?" he asked confused.
Jess looked alarmed that he didn't know what she was taking about, "Well, Lily came back to the dorm at about six thirty saying that she had a bad day in the hospital wing and that she was going for a run. When she didn't come back I figured she had met up with you."
"You mean Lily never came back to the dorm at all that night," Jack asked now really worried.
"Yeah, I woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't in her bed. She wasn't there when I woke up this morning either and her bed looked like it had never been slept in. And now that I think about it I don't remember seeing her come to bed the night before last either. She usually goes to bed before everyone else but then once everyone's asleep she leaves and goes somewhere, probably to the common room, then comes back hours later. Is something wrong?" she asked standing up and placing a hand on his shoulder.
"No, everything's fine. Thanks again, Jess…I'll see ya around," He turned left the common room heading for the staff quarters. He knew there was no way Lily would be there visiting his parents, but perhaps they could make some since of what has been going on.
Coming to his parent's quarters he muttered the password and stepped inside. The living room was small but cozy. Lily and Jack often came in here to study when they really needed some quiet time. They hadn't been in here in a while though.
"Jack, to what do we owe this pleasure?" asked his mum brightly from the doorway leading to the small kitchenette.
Looking around he noticed the absence of two people, "Where are Brandon and Joe?" Brandon and Joe were his only brothers who didn't attend Hogwarts because they were too young. They lived here because both their parents worked for the school.
"They're staying at your grandparent's house tonight. All your younger cousins are over there. I pity your grandparents really, but is was their idea," she answered going over to a chair by the fire and sitting down, "Take a seat, Jack. Is there something on your mind?"
"Where's Dad then?" he asked still standing.
"I'm right here," Ron Weasley said smiling at his son holding today's issue of the Daily Prophet.
Finally taking a seat, Jack started what he had come here to do, "Have you guys talked to Lily lately?"
"No, to tell you the truth we haven't seen much of Lily," Ron answered sitting down on the couch next to him.
"She and I had a row today at the ministry and now I can't find her. She's been acting really strange lately," he said reflectively.
"How so?" Hermione asked, crossing her legs and looking concerned.
Unable to hold back any longer Jack began rambling all the things on his mind at lightning speed, "I when I asked you to talk to her before I left out a lot about the way she's been acting because I didn't want to alarm you. She doesn't come to down to the Great Hall to eat more than once a day, and when she does she just picks at her food. She doesn't sleep much. I just found out from one of her roommates that she never came to bed the night before last and possibly not even last night. She's doing horribly in training, and she seems to be really upset with me about something. But I don't know what I've done to make her mad."
Ron and Hermione exchanged a worried glance before Ron spoke up, "Have you tried talking to her about all this?"
"I tried talking to her today just before I left the ministry and she blew up at me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to help her get through whatever's troubling her, but I can't help her if she won't even look at me let alone talk to me," Jack racked his hands through his hair in aggravation, and then placed his head in his hands completely.
"Just like her father," Ron mumbled under his breath chuckling slightly.
"How could this possible be funny?" Jack asked annoyed.
"I think what you're father means is that Lily is doing the exact thing her father used to do when he was dealing with something big. Harry used to get so angry at us for no apparent reason when we were in school. It wasn't until later that we realized it was just his way of dealing with things. Sometimes when people are angry or upset about something, they take it out on those they love most. You have to keep talking to her. Keep letting her know that you're there for her. But most importantly you have to get her to tell you what's making her so upset. If you don't, I think that things will only get worse," Hermione concluded.
"Wait here," Ron told his son as he got up and left the room. He walked swiftly into his and Hermione's bedroom and opened the trunk that always sat at the end of their bed. He had to take out a number of contents before he finally found the item he was searching for. It was a letter bearing Lily's name on it, written to her by the one person that could possibly help her deal with what she was going through. He stared at the letter for a few seconds, wondering what was in it. This letter had come in a larger envelope with instructions that it be given to her when she was at her lowest point. This had to qualify.
Ron got up and returned to where his wife and Jack were waiting. "Give this to her," Ron said handing over the letter.
"What is it?" Jack asked looking down at the letter how in his left palm.
"It's a letter addressed to Lily," Ron stated, "from her father. He wanted her to read it when she needed it most. I think now is the time."
"I'll be sure she gets it," Jack said looking at his father who now wore a saddened look upon his face.
"If I were you I'd go find her as soon as you can. Corner her somewhere and force her to tell you what's wrong. Remind her how much you love her. Tell her that we miss her as well," he added as he walked Jack to the door.
"Thanks Dad," Jack said before walking away with his head down still not knowing where to begin looking for her. He decided that he'd better go clear his own mind before he even attempted to talk to Lily.
Without even realizing it his feet led him out to the Qudditch pitch and it wasn't long before he noticed he was not along. There sitting in the Gryffindor stands was Lily Potter herself, the very person he was hoping to find. He climbed to the stands where she was sitting without her even noticing. She was sitting totally still with her hands in her coat pockets and eyes closed. He watched her for a moment taking in her appearance. Her face was thin and pale and her eyes had deep dark circles around them. She looked both physically and emotionally exhausted.
"I'd be tired too if I haven't gotten any sleep in over two days," Jack said suddenly as he approached her. She opened her eyes and looked irritated at the sight of him, which hurt him quite a bit.
"What are you checking up on me now?" She asked looking away.
"I wouldn't have to if you'd talk to me about all this in the first place," he said allowing the concern in his heart to show through in his voice.
"I thought we already talked about that," she said standing up and walking back down the stands. Jack followed her but didn't respond until they were once again on the ground.
"No, we didn't talk about anything! You talked AT me and said a lot of things we both know you don't mean. But now it's my turn to talk. I want you to tell me what happened that night at the battle. What happened that has got you so upset and shaken up that you push yourself away from everyone who loves you? Mum and Dad are worried too. I just went to see them thinking maybe they could help me decide what I was supposed to do," he saw the reaction of anger in her eyes and cut her off before she could cut in. "And I know you asked me to keep them out of this, but what did you expect me to do? I can't just sit by and watch you slowly destroy yourself over something you haven't even taken the time to explain to me. I have to admit…you're beginning to scare me, Lil! I've never seen you like this before!"
While he was saying this he slowly started to see her eyes fill with tears; her first display of emotion, other than anger, since the funeral. Just as soon as the moisture in her eyes appeared, it was gone to be replaced with an angry expression once more. "Why are you doing this? I told you I didn't want to talk about it! Why can't you respect that and leave me alone?"
"I'm doing this because I love you and I want to help you get though whatever it is that's tripping you up, all you have to do is let me," he said taking one step forward. He placed his hands on her shoulders, "For God's sake Lily talk to me!"
"I don't want to talk to you, Jack! Why can't you understand that?"
She tried to shrug off his firm hold on her, but he wouldn't let her. "If you want to get angry with me, then that's fine! If anger is the only way for you to vent all the emotions you have pent up inside you, then by all means, be my guest! But you can't keep going like this or you're going to end up killing yourself. Now I'm not letting you go until you tell me what's the matter!"
Her eyes continued to glaze over yet she still spoke in an angry tone of voice, "You want to hear all about it, huh? Well, I'll tell you and hope that you'll finally leave me alone! I killed two people that night at the battle! Two families are mourning the loss of their loved one because of me. I understand that to everyone else, those two men were nothing more than death eaters. But to me they were so much more than that. Each of them had a mother and father. They could have had brothers or sisters and maybe even wives and children. I killed those men in the same cold blood as the people who killed my own mother and father!"
She pushed his hands off her shoulders violently, and when Jack took as step forward but she took a step back. He shook his head and tried to reason with her, "Lily that was different…they…"
"No, it wasn't different," she cut him off and kept talking over his continuing protests. "I should have found another way. I could have stunned them or bound them or done something…anything to keep from becoming a murderer! Because that's what I am Jack…a murderer…I'm no better than they are if that's what it's come to," she said as her voice finally gave way and tears made their way down her cheeks.
Jack reached for her and surrounded her body in a rib crushing hug. She struggled against him, hitting his shoulders trying to push him off her, but he wasn't letting her go this time, not now that he knew what was going on inside her head. After a few tense seconds she stopped struggling and her screams were replaced by open sobs. She went limp in his arms and fell to the ground, dragging him right along with her. He tried to comfort her the best he could. They were both on their knees in the middle of the Qudditch field as lightning struck somewhere off in the distance. A storm was coming, but neither of them seemed to care about seeking shelter.
Jack couldn't help but kick himself for not realizing this was what was bothering her sooner. To anyone else killing a death eater would have been no big deal. But to Lily it was a big deal. She never wanted to believe there was such a thing as pure evil. She always wanted to give others the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she did this because it was the exact opposite of what they taught her at the orphanage, but for whatever reason it was apart of who she was.
"I just can't get that night out of my head. Every time I close my eyes I see Allan's face. I relive the battle in my dreams night after night. He was our friend, Jack! How could I have let this happen?"
He now found her clinging to him for dear life as she continued to sob into his chest. He allowed her to let her emotions out for a few moments before taking her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him.
"Lily, listen to me…There was no way you could have prevented what happened that night. If you hadn't killed those two men then they most certainly would have killed you without even thinking about it twice. And that's what makes us different from them. They couldn't have cared less if they had killed you, and here you are eating yourself up for doing what you had to do to stay alive! You are not a murderer…do you hear me?" She nodded her head to show she finally understood. "And as for Allan, as I said before, he knew what he was getting into. I miss him too, Lily, but there comes a time when you've got to stop blaming yourself for things that were beyond your control and move on with your life. Allan wouldn't want you to waste away with grief. Would you want that for him if you had been the one that had died?"
"No," she said in a whisper. She leaned her head against his chest again and let out a deep breath, "Jack…I'm so sorry about the things I said to you and the way I've been treating you. All you wanted to do was help and all I seemed to do was push you away," she buried her face into his auror robes.
He placed a hand on the back of her head, "Shhh…sweetheart its okay…no harm done. And besides I'm a tough guy, I can handle it. But I can't handle what you're doing to yourself over this. I want you to promise me that you'll start taking better care of yourself," he said standing up and pulling her to her feet, "Will you go with me and find something to eat?"
"Yes," she answered as they began walking toward the castle.
"Everything is going to be okay as long as you and I stick together okay," he said rubbing her back as they walked up the stairs leading to the doors, hoping beyond hope he would be able to keep that promise.
Jack sat in the common room later that night with Lily resting her head on his shoulder. He didn't realize how much he had missed moments like these over the pass few weeks. Thinking back on the days events he suddenly remembered the letter that was still in the pocket of his robes. He reached with his free hand and took out the letter.
"Are you awake, Lil?"
"Yeah," she replied lifting her head up to look at him. Her eyes met his momentarily before they traveled down his body to the hand that held the letter with her name on it. "What's that?"
"My dad gave it to me. He told me to give it to you. It's from your father," Jack said softly handing her the letter.
"From my father," she repeated in disbelief staring down at the envelope.
Jack nodded and stood up, "I'll leave you alone to read it. Come find me if you want to talk about it when you're done."
She didn't take her eyes off the letter for another second, giving Jack just long enough to walk towards the stairs leading to his dormitory. She was grateful that he respected her enough to leave her alone in times like these. But she didn't think she could do this all by herself. She needed him there.
"Don't go," she pleaded softly turning to face him, "Stay with me. I want you to be here…Please."
Jack didn't need any further explanation. He made his way back to the sofa he where he had just left her and sat down. She looked on the verge of tears again. She went to open the letter but paused and lowered her hands still containing the letter to her lap.
"I can't do this," she admitted. "Can you read it to me?"
"Sure," Jack said taking the letter from her trembling hands and ripping open the seal. It was a medium length letter, clearly written in male handwriting. He cleared his throat and began reading.
"My dearest Lily. If you are reading this now, then it means something has happened in your life and you've lost faith. Life has thrown you a curve ball and you have been totally caught off guard. I'm sorry for whatever has happened. I have no idea what is causing you pain, all I know is that even as I sit here now, watching you sleep in your crib late at night, I want nothing more than to take all that pain away. Loosing faith is something I'm all too accustomed to. Whatever has happened, no matter how big and overwhelming it seems now, it will pass with time. Do not turn away from those who love you. Love is the only thing really worth living and dying for in this world. As your father, I want nothing but happiness for you in this life. I want so many things for you, but most of all I want you to love and be loved. Find something in your life, something you love and that loves you, and never let it go. Always remember how much your mother and I love you. You are the best thing that ever happened to us. Faith is an easy thing to loose, and a difficult thing to retrieve again. I know you can handle whatever obstacles come your way. I have faith in you. I always have. That is just about the only thing that has never wavered. Love always, Dad."
Jack looked up from the letter to find Lily staring at him with tears gleaming from her eyes, reminding him of bright green marbles shining in the sunlight. He folded up the letter and put it back in its envelope, setting it aside.
"Are you alright?" Jack asked cupping the side of her face with his hand and brushing her cheek with his thumb.
She nodded her head yes and was clearly trying to hold back her tears, "I'm fine," she said in an unstable voice again.
"No, you're not," he said pulling her onto his chest as she continued to blink back tears.
"Lily, you've got to stop holding all your emotions inside. You don't have to be tough for me," Jack reminded her softly. "It's okay to cry. It's not a sign of weakness, just a sign that you're human."
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be happy to have something like this. It helps me a lot in some ways, but in other ways it just reminds me of all I've missed out on."
"What do you mean?" Jack questioned.
She raised her head and he lovingly brushed the stray hairs out of her face. "It reminds me off all the times he should have been there but wasn't. He wasn't there to comfort me when I had bad dreams or check under my bed for monsters. He wasn't there when I needed someone to explain magic to me. He wasn't there to teach me how to ride a broom. I have absolutely no memory of this man, none at all. And what hurts even more is all the things he won't get to see in the future. Like when we graduate, and when I get married and have kids of my own. He's never going to see me do anything."
"It isn't fair. I've had such great parents and you have never known yours," Jack said to himself out loud.
"You're so lucky to have them in your life. I'd kill to have something like that."
"I'm sure wherever he is right now, he's wishing he were right here with you. Watching you grow into this amazing woman that you've become. I know he's just as proud of you as I am."
She finally cracked a smile before laying her head back down, "Thank you," she said nearly crushing him in a full on embrace. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her onto his lap.
"What are you thanking me for this time?" He asked lightheartedly.
"For being my something. The one thing I'm always going to hold on to. Just like my Dad said in the letter," she said, "You gave me hope when I thought I had none. You proved to me that I'm still the same person I was before, and that you still loved me."
"You thought I'd stopped loving you," Jack questioned looking at her horrified.
"No, I thought I didn't deserve to have your love after what happened. But you showed me that you still loved me, even when I pushed you away and told myself I didn't want you to love me."
"I'm always going to love you, no matter what stupid things you do. Like starving yourself or being a complete idiot," Jack teased lightly. A smile crept up her face and graced her features. He would never tire of seeing her smile. It was enough to make everything they had gone through completely worth it.