Rosco's Whiff of Christmas Spirit

Summary: Yes, I tried to do a Christmas story, too. This one is focused around Rosco more than anyone else, as you could probably tell from the title. It's set about the year before Dukes began. If the ages ain't right, oh well. Please read and review, I'd appreciate it! Merry Christmas!

Disclaimer: I do not own the Dukes, nor do I own "Twas the Night Before Christmas." So please don't sue people.

Hey ya'll, welcome to Hazzard County, an' it's Christmas Eve today. Around these here parts, Christmas is big for most families. Includin' the Dukes. I bet ya'll know them by now. There are some baaad seeds around here who don't quite know the true meaning of Christmas. Includin' one Rosco P. Coltrane. But that is about to change.

Easing his right foot onto the gas, Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane was set and determined to complete the task that was laid before him by none other than county commissioner J.D. Hogg. The mission was simple--catch them Duke boys.

Seventeen-year-old Bo Duke was an incredible driver for his age. As he sat behind the wheel of the General Lee, the orange 1969 Dodge Charger with the Confederate flag on the roof and the 01 painted on the doors that belonged to him and his twenty-four-year-old cousin, Luke, who was riding shotgun, he looked through his rearview mirror, noticing Rosco was right on his tail.

"Hey Luke," he said. "We got company."

Luke turned around to see what his cousin was talking about. "Well, if ya can go a little faster, we can shake 'im."

"You got it, cuz," Bo said, a grin spreading across his face. His foot slammed on the accelerator, and the boys went forward.

"Oh, you Dukes ain't gettin' away that easy." Rosco shot forward, too, the white ball on the tip of his Santa hat slapping in front of his face.

Boss Hogg always makes the law enforcers here in Hazzard show a little Christmas spirit by having them wear Santa hats in December. He thinks it makes him look good to the folks of Hazzard County.

Bo looked forward across the river as they approached its still waters. "Aw shoot. A dead end."

Luke glanced around. "Looks like yer just gonna have ta jump across."

Now friends and neighbors, ya'll know Bo and Luke can jump across a river like this with flying colors. But this little adventure is before they learned to do that.

Bo looked at Luke like he had lost his cookies. "You want me to jump across that? Ya gotta be kiddin' me, Luke."

"Ya ain't got no other choice. We're gettin' to close."

Bo took a deep breath. At least there was a little mound of dirt. If he could hit it straight on, then maybe . . .

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

A smile spread across Luke's face as Bo made a smooth landing. "I knew you could do it."

"We lost Rosco, too," Bo said, indicating the policeman who had turned around in disbelief when he saw the orange stockcar flying through the air.

"Boss, you don't understand," Rosco began. "Them Duke boys, they flew over McDawgson's Creek, with no problems."

"Flew? With a car?" Boss Hogg was beginning to see why Rosco lost the trail of them boys.

Ironically, it was the Dukes that got Rosco, Enos, and anyone else in Hazzard who can jump to learn to jump.

"Well, anyways, ya numbskull," Boss went on, "I am a pure genius. I thunk me up a plan. A good plan. To get the Dukes in jail for good."

"Ya did? Yer right, ya did, I can see it in them beady little eyes o' yers! Khee, khee!"

Boss Hogg looked at Rosco for a minute like he was the biggest dummy on the face of the planet. "It's very simple. We're gonna wait till dark, load their car with moonshine, and then tomorrow, you make the arrest! It's fool proof!"

"How's it fool proof?"

"Because! Even a fool like you could handle it!"

"Oh okay! I get it! Good plan Boss! I love it, I love it!"

"Bo Duke you get yer hands off them cookies right now!" Twenty-two-year-old Daisy Duke scolded Bo for what seemed like the billionth time that day. "We're supposed to save 'em for tonight during Christmas Eve dinner!"

"Well, Christmas Eve dinner better start soon, cause I'm real hungry. I could eat an entire pig."

"Or a Hogg," Luke joked.

Bo laughed. "Same thing."

"Alright boys," Uncle Jesse cut in. "Now's not the time ta be sayin' anythin' like that 'bout yer enemies, it's Christmas. Ya'll should be nice to everyone this time a year, even if it is J.D. Hogg."

Now that's Jesse, the clan patriarch. He always puts on the policy every year during Christmas to be extra nice to everyone, even if he don't like 'em all that much.

"Okay, boys," Daisy said. "Siddown, dinner's ready."

After she served the hot meal, Jesse said grace. Then, the Dukes eagerly dug in.

Meanwhile, outside, Rosco was loading the General Lee with the moonshine.

Uh-oh. This Christmas don't look like it's gonna be none too merry for the Dukes.

"Khew, khew, khew!" Rosco laughed merrily, but quietly, to himself. "I'm gonna get them Dukes, even if it is Christmas! I love it, I love it!" Slowly, he eased open the trunk of the General Lee, half-expecting it to be locked, but it wasn't. Carefully, so as not to clank the jars of shine together, he set the cardboard boxes into the trunk. After getting all the jars into the trunk, he lifted his head, but to his dismay, he hit his head square on the trunk lid.

"Oooooooooh!" Rosco yelled. "Dang General, ya done scuffed my head!"

Inside, the Dukes heard what was going on. "Just hang tight," Jesse stated, getting his ever-dependable rifle off the shelf. "I'll scare him away." He quickly went out the door.

As soon as the door slammed shut behind Jesse, Daisy said, "Should we go?"

"Of course we should," Luke said. "We'd miss all the fun."

Bo, Luke, and Daisy lept up from the table and rushed outside. Right away, they found Jesse yelling at Rosco, chewing him out.

"Rosco! You dirty pig! You get on outta here! But not before you tell me what in Heaven's name you were doin' messin' with the General Lee!"

"Jesse, hang on a minute," Rosco said. "I was just-"

"Don't you give me that Rosco! I outta call the state police and have ya arrested!"

Rosco knew Jesse meant business now. "Open the trunk, see fer yerself." He sighed.

Bo took the honor of doing that, since he was closest to the General anyway. He opened the trunk gingerly. "Shine! Rosco! What were ya plannin' on doin'!"

"SHINE?" Daisy, Jesse, and Luke all said in unison. Luke took it from there. "Rosco, what? Shine? You can't set me an' Bo up now, not on Christmas Eve!"

"Why not?" Rosco said, big grin on his face.

Don't ya'll just wanna wipe that egg-suckin' grin right off ol' Rosco's face?

Later, Rosco went back to the Boar's Nest. "I'm sorry Boss, them Dukes caught me in the act."

"Rosco! Can't that little pea-brain of yers do anything right?" Boss Hogg sighed. "Yer just gonna have ta go back. At midnight, when them Dukes are sleepin'. While visions of sugar plums dance in their heads."

"Sugar plums? What do sugar plums look like?" Rosco asked ignorantly.

"Rosco!"

"Sorry, Boss."

At midnight, Rosco arrived to the Duke farm. He was so careful this time, he didn't want to wake anyone up and have Boss Hogg chew him out again. The General was parked right next to Bo and Luke's open window. "Aww," Rosco quietly said as he saw them sleep. "I bet them sugar plums are just dancin' all real nice up there in them heads."

Come on boys! Wake up! Ya can't let Rosco do that!

Lucky for Rosco, the Duke boys were real tired that night and were sleeping real heavy. He easily loaded the General with the moonshine. No Duke woke up.

After he completed this mission, he went home for the night, so he could spend Christmas with Mama Coltrane. Mama was already asleep in her bed when he got home. It was twelve-thirty in the morning.

He took off his shoes, police uniform, and put on his pajamas, and went to bed himself. "It's been a long night," Rosco said to himself as he climbed into bed. After a while he fell into a light, uneasy sleep.

"Roooooooooooooscooooooooooooooooooooooo, Rooooooooooooooooooooossssssssssscooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Rosco looked up toward where the sound was coming from. It sounded like Luke Duke.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy did you have to arreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeest uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus on Chrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve?" Rosco jumped. This time, it sounded like Bo Duke.

The two voices joined together. "Yoooooooooooooooooooooooou wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever hhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave a meerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry Chrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin."

Rosco was freaked out, but he tried not to show it. He tried to look tough. "You Dukes are just tryin' ta scare me! Well I ain't fallin' fer it! I'll find ya!" So Rosco set about looking for Bo and Luke Duke.

He was in a weird field that was filled with candy instead of grass, and the sky and the ground were both a deep shade of pink. Rosco stepped on a candy cane, and all of a sudden, sugar plum fairies came out and started dancing. He could hear the sugar plum fairy song from The Nutcracker in the background.

"Oooooooooooooooh!" Rosco said excitedly. "That's what a sugar plum looks like! Khee khee! They're so cute!" He was wearing that egg-sucking grin on his face, but it was very abruptly wiped off as he noticed that two of the sugar plums had faces that belonged to Bo and Luke.

"Roooooooooooooooooooscooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" The Luke-sugar plum said.

The Bo-sugar plum smiled. "We're gonna getcha," he said serenely.

Bo and Luke each grabbed a candy cane and pointed them at Rosco. He could see on the tip of one there was Jesse Duke's face, and the other one had Daisy Duke's face on it. "Roooooooooooooooooooooooscooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" All four of them said hauntingly.

Bo and Luke charged at Rosco with the Jesse and Daisy candy canes. Rosco screamed loudly.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeegit!" Rosco woke up in a cold sweat. He glanced at the clock. 2:32 am. He sat there for a second, then finally, he got up and put on his bathrobe. He knew what he had to do.

He put on his boots and set out for his patrol car. As soon as he got in, he fumbled with the keys for a bit, but then he finally got them in the ignition and he got in and drove away.

That was soooooooooooooome dream Rosco had. I wonder what he's up to now.

Twenty minutes later, he arrived at the Duke farm. He made his way back over to the General Lee and opened the trunk.

Inside the house, Bo had gotten up to go to the bathroom, and he heard Rosco fumbling around outside. "Oh, Rosco," he said to himself, thinking Rosco was loading the moonshine into the car. He went outside.

"Howdy Rosco," he said, causing Rosco to hit his head on the trunk lid again. Jesse, Luke, and Daisy heard this, and they went outside.

"Rosco," Bo continued, "what're you doin'?"

"I'm just unloadin' this here moonshine." Rosco looked between all the Dukes. None of them looked convinced. "I'm serious, now."

"It was already gone when ya left at dinner," Luke piped up.

Rosco started feeling real bad right about there. "I know, Luke, I know. Boss sent me back here a couple o' hours ago to put it back in."

"So you did?" Jesse asked.

Rosco nodded, ashamed.

Daisy spoke up this time. "Let me guess. Then you felt guilty and decided to come take it out?"

Rosco nodded again. "That's right, Daisy."

"What made ya change yer mind?" Bo asked.

"I had this nightmare. It was real crazy. Ya'll were in it."

"Why dontcha come inside out of this cold and tell us about it. We can have hot tea and Christmas cookies," Jesse offered.

"Thank you, Jesse," Rosco replied gratefully.

So the Dukes and Rosco went inside, and Rosco immediately went into describing the strange experience he had with the sugar plum fairies in his dream. When he finished, the Dukes all looked at each other, and held their laughter inside.

"That was some dream, Rosco," Bo stated. The other Dukes nodded.

"Look," Rosco said, "I'm real sorry about earlier. I really had no understandin' of what Christmas is all about. I'm real sorry I almost ruined yers. I hope ya'll can forgive me."

"Don't worry, Rosco," Luke said. "No hard feelin's."

Once again, that egg-sucking grin showed up on Rosco's face. "Oh, goody-goody!" He stood up. "I'm gonna go home now. I'm spendin Christmas with my mama."

"Merry Christmas Rosco," Daisy said. The other Dukes echoed her words.

"Merry Christmas Bo, Luke, Daisy, Jesse," Rosco said, nodding to each one as he went.

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" came a voice from outside. The party of five went outside, only to find reindeer droppings in the front yard.

"Ya think?" Luke questioned. They all looked at him.

"Maybe," said Daisy.

"Nah," they all said.

An' that's the legend of how Rosco got his first real whiff of Christmas spirit. From then on, Rosco was friendly to everyone at Christmas. But after the holidays were over Rosco always went back to being the crooked sheriff he normally was.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads.
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap.

When out on the roof there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutter, and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
gave the lustre of midday to objects below,
when, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
and he whistled and shouted and called them by name:

"Now Dasher! Now Dancer!
Now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid!
On, Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch!
To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away!
Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
when they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
so up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
with the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head and was turning around,
down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes--how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
and the beard on his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
that shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

A/N: I hope you liked that little Christmas story! I put in the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas" in at the end, just for fun because of all the references to it in my story. I hope you liked it, please review, and most of all MERRY CHRISTMAS!