Chapter 5

Erik was a very independent person, generally. He was perfectly happy to get on with things by himself and hated asking for help. As far as he was concerned, it was a matter of pride.

Which is why he was so loathe to admit that he had NO idea of what to get Christine for Christmas. It was an impossible task by any man's standards! Well, except for one man.

And Erik REALLY didn't want to ask him for help.

He glared at the phone and then sighed, picking it up and dialling.

"Hello?"

"Nadir… its Erik."

"How goes it with Madeline?"

"Fine. Look, Nadir, I need… I need…" With an extremely sour expression Erik muttered, "Ineedyourhelp."

"Sorry, didn't catch that." Nadir said.

"…I need your help."

Erik hadn't realised that you could hear smug satisfaction.

"Oh really?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's interesting. What might you need my assistance for?"

"Buying Christine a Christmas present."

"Erik, she's your wife. Surely you can think of something."

"Obviously not, otherwise I wouldn't be putting my dignity on the line by talking to you!" Erik snapped as Nadir giggled incessantly. He lovingly fingered his punjab lasso as Nadir calmed himself enough to reply.

"I'll be over in twenty minutes and we'll go shopping."

"Good."

"Aren't we forgetting something, Erik?" Nadir said sweetly. Erik gritted his teeth.

"I won't say it."

"I won't help you."

"…Thank you Nadir."

"There, wasn't hard, was it? See you soon."

Oh yes. He would be getting one extremely crappy Christmas present this year. As well as a cut in his pension.

What Erik didn't know was that Christine had her own plans for the day. Mere moments after he had left the cellar, Meg arrived clutching what is known as the Essential Gossip Kit. Said Kit consists of:

Cookies.

Ice-cream

Chocolate flavoured everything.

Videos such as 'Pride and Prejudice' and 'Bridget Jones' Diary'.

Alcohol in many shapes and forms.

Once Meg and Madeline had been introduced, the three women sat around in the cellar and began to discuss that most sacred of subjects.

The incompetence of men.

"I just don't see the obsession. I mean, sure Buffy is kind of cool but…" Christine shrugged. Meg giggled.

"D'you remember that time Nadir suggested you dress up as her to get Erik's attention"?

This was NOT the sort of thing that Christine wanted to bring up in front of Erik's mother. A swift kick to Meg's shin and a hasty subject change seemed in order.

"So you don't want to buy her bath stuff, jewellery, movies, music or clothes. That doesn't leave a lot of choice, Erik." Nadir said dryly as they wandered along the street. Erik scowled and kicked at the ground with a scuffed toe.

"It's all too predictable. I have to get her something… different."

"A puppy?"

"I WILL punjab you and I won't have any qualms about doing so."

"Fine, don't get bitchy." Nadir muttered, pausing to look at a display of rather nice hats. "Do hats count as clothes?"

"I'm not getting her a hat!"

After a few minutes of silence, Nadir said,

"Why don't you write her a song? She loves your music." Erik looked at him thoughtfully.

"I'm surprised, Daroga. That's not a bad idea."

"Thank you for your faith in me." Nadir said flatly. Erik was about to reply scathingly (he really was!) but a sound reached their ears, a sound so terrifying that it can only be truly experienced by following these instructions:

1. Take a cat.

2. Shave it.

3. Strap it by the tail to a fast-rotating object.

4. Leave for 8 to 10 minutes.

5. Unstrap cat.

6. Stamp on its tail.

Before we go any further, I would like to declare that I do NOT approve of this method. But I digress.

The sound that the two men heard was none other than that of several phangirls catching sight of their idol and releasing that hideous noise. They looked at each other in horror before taking the only possible route of action, one that any person with the slightest sense of self-preservation would take.

They ran like buggery.

When Erik and Nadir returned to the cellar, both were in a terrible state of disarray. Nadir's clothes were torn and stretched out of shape. Erik's cloak was shredded, one of his shoes was missing, his mask was half-askew and several chunks of hair had been pulled out.

Christine leapt to her feet at the sight of him.

"Erik! What happened?"

"Phans… almost didn't make it…" Erik said dramatically, falling into a chair. Christine sat beside him.

"Poor Erik… don't worry, I'll sew your cloak back up and we can find you another pair of shoes." She began to comb his hair carefully so it covered the bald patches. Nadir sighed and began to brush himself down, since there were no attractive women about to help him.

Madeline looked rather startled.

"You were mobbed?"

"Yes. Those phans are utterly insane." Erik complained.

"Phans?"

"Phantom fans." Meg translated. "They consider Erik to be something of an idol."

"Some have described me as a sex god." Erik said smugly. Christine smacked the back of his head and he winced. Nadir scoffed and then said,

"I'm going to take off. Do you want a lift, Meg?"

"Please." She said, collecting her things. Erik looked around and then froze.

"What the hell are those?"

"Your baby photos, Erik. Madeline brought them. Look how adorable you are!" Christine cooed. Erik groaned, putting his head into his hands. Madeline smiled.

"He really was a lovely baby. His first word was puppy."

Nadir and Meg both stared at Erik and simultaneously burst into laughter. Erik reached for his punjab lasso. They hastily stopped and left.

Once they had gone, Erik noticed something.

"You ordered pizza?"

"Yes, Erik."

"Did you… have pineapple?" He said hopefully, looking at Christine.

"Yes, Erik."

"Did you save any for me?" Christine smiled and passed him a plate, with a little pile of yellow fruity chunks. As he tucked in, Madeline pressed on in confusion.

"But… why did they chase you?"

"Because they're insane."

"A group of them kidnapped him last year." Christine said, smoothing his hair. "Him and Raoul. It was a mess and, of course, I ended up having to sort out the whole thing."

"It was your fault for marrying the fop." Erik said firmly. Christine glared at him.

"Don't call him that!"

"Well, it was!"

"Erik!" She snapped, moving away to sit on a different chair. "Raoul is NOT a fop and if you keep calling him that Mr Punjab is going in the lake!"

Erik paled at the thought of his beloved teddy-bear taking a swim in the lake and leaving poor Mrs Punjab as a widow. Christine shook her head in irritation and Madeline said primly.

"I think I'd quite like to meet this Raoul."

"He'll be at the Christmas Eve party. But if you'd like to meet him beforehand, I'm sure we could arrange something." Christine said, throwing a dark look at Erik, as though daring him to object.

He did not dare.

A/N: I'm so glad that you're all enjoying this! Chapter 6 tomorrow! Lol, I haven't actually finished it yet, but it's totally planned!


Love

Katie