It's been a while, but I'm finally back. Good to see you all missed me. XP

Anyways, brand spanking new chapter for you introducing another new robot into this freaky family. Credit to 'Shadow' from the FUS forum members for letting me use him here. Ta ever so muchly.

CHAPTER 3
"THE ONLY GAY IN THE GARAGE"

You know, I'm certain my hair's a lot greyer than it used to be.

Though, given that I have six lunatics under my roof, it's a miracle I'm not completely bald.

It had been a week since Ivo Robotnik and his henchmen arrived at my abode, but it felt like oh-so much longer. Not only did they manage to accidently destroy my kitchen the very day after they moved in, but they since also managed to flood the bathroom, demolish the dungeon and dig up the entire garden in an attempt to get rid of one weed. Mr O'Reilly the local builder was dancing for joy when he figured out how much my repairs would cost.

This really wasn't how I thought life with Robotnik would be. I always pictured him and his minions helping me invent the most devious devices known to man, construct a mass army of killer robots and plot sinister plots for total world domination.

But when I entered the living room seven days into their stay, I caught them lounging around on the sofa and laughing at an episode of "Sonic X" on the TV like a group of rejected "Mystery Science Theatre" hosts.

"Oh dear, just listen to me!" Ivo was chortling, "Is that honestly what those producers thought passed as good banter between Sonic and myself? God, this is almost on a par with all that fan fiction I've read!"

"Yeah! And those henchbots are soooo stupid!" Grounder guffawed dimly as Bocoe and Decoe appeared onscreen, "They're so dumb, they don't even know we're watching them!"

"D'oh, you nincombot!" squawked Scratch and hit his drill-clad companion over the head, "Of course they can't see us! It's a cartoon!"

"And not exactly an Emmy winner at that", Snively added snootily and lazily counted off on his fingers, "Iffy storylines, horrible scripting, grating voices that make you wish you were deaf..."

"WHAT?" piped up Coconuts. I gave a small jump in surprise and saw that the mechanical monkey had unscrewed his ears and left them lying to one side.

"Oh, put those back on!" snapped Snively, "Cream hasn't had a line to say in ages! You're just being silly!"

"WHAT?" Coconuts repeated. I could only slap a palm off my forehead as the balding scientist leapt towards him with a spanner, while the rest of the villains whooped and jeered as Chris popped up on the screen.

I'd finally reached the end of my tether. I yanked the plug out of its socket and heaved the TV out the room. My fellow crooks followed me into the main hall, arguing and protesting all the while.

"What do you think you're doing, man?" demanded Robotnik, loudest of the lot, "That's no way to treat your hallowed guests!"

"And letting the cybernetic crocodiles loose from my aquarium is no way to treat your hallowed host!" I snapped back.

"We said we're sorry", Grounder replied, guiltily shuffling his tank treads, "I just thought they needed a little exercise."

"Well, they certainly got it!" I snarled and rolled up my trousers to reveal several large red bitemarks all the way up my legs. "And if you think that's bad, I won't even dare to fill you in on the state of my caboose!" I added fiercely with a jab to my rear.

"Oh, come on, Reggie", reasoned Ivo, "One little mishap like that and..."

"It's not just one little mishap!" I growled, "The kitchen, the bathroom, the priceless suits of armour...for God's sake, you're supposed to be trying to take over the world! Not trying to take over my house!"

"OK, OK, fine", Scratch said impatiently, "We'll get back to the stupid world domination thing! But we lost all our plans and junk when the hedgehog destroyed our base and just where are we supposed to work? You say you're a villain and you don't even have a lab!"

"I did until you blew it up on Thursday!" I all but yelled and palmed my face again, "Perfect. Just perfect. I finally get a good evil ally back to help me out in my time of need and he's got no plans, no blueprints, no schematics and no resources! PERFECT!" I tilted my head towards the heavens. "Oh God, what do I do?"

And the front door blew open with an almighty bang.

All heads swivelled round at the stranger in the doorway. Illuminated by the sun's rays behind him, he looked almost angelic. But a second glance revealed he was anything but. He wore a horrible orange chequered suit with matching trilby hat and black trousers, a battered suitcase in one hand. His black and white shoes were unusually long and his red bow tie stretched almost as wide as his shoulders. There was something familiar about his face, as well. The glasses, the upturned snout, the permanant look of enthusiasm...

"Oh no!" exclaimed Ivo, "No! Not you again! It can't be!"

"Heyheyhey!" the stranger announced joyously and began rushing around the hall at breakneck speed shaking everybody's hand, "Howareyahowareya? Wes Weasely's the name! Selling's the game! You need it, I got it! You want it, I'll get it!"

"M-m-m-maaaake h-him s-s-stooooop!" cried Coconuts, who was almost being wobbled to pieces by the salesman's handshake. That he did, when he caught sight of Ivo.

"Robotnik, baby!" he cheered and made his way over towards him, "Boy, it feels like forever! How ya been, palsie?"

"Just dandy ever since you got out of my life, Weasely!", the Doctor snarled and refusing point-blank to accept his hand, "You and your company's pathetic inventions have caused me nothing but suffering since the day you stepped into my lair!"

"Hey, c'mon", the rodent replied with his almost fixed grin, "So there's been a little tension between us in the past. That's still not gonna stop me helping out my number one customer in his time of need!"

"What are you even doing here?" I winced as I tried to massage some feeling back into my shaken hand.

"Well might you ask, my good sir", beamed Weasely and ran over to clap me on the shoulder, "You see, I was outside your establishment, inspecting your trash recepticle for adequate sustinance, and couldn't help overhearing your agonised screams of tyranical woe. Well, palsie, have we at Handy Dandy Supervillains' Appliance Distributors Limited have the perfect offer for you!"

Like a hyperactive child, the salesman dashed to the centre of the hall and opened up his tatty old suitcase. Like a jack-in-the-box, a tall humanoid figure sprung out and caused the villains to jump in surprise. At first glance, it seemed like a armour-plated motorcyclist - the head was domed with a simple red visor while its blue body glistened so brightly, it almost hurt the eyes.

"Lugnuts and gentlemen", Weasely announced, "Presenting the H.D.S.V.A.D.L. Series 2000 SWATbot Deluxe! It comes with all the basic features, of course - artificial intelligence, pure titanium shell, wrist laser blaster, heat and motion sensors..." he began pointing out the various parts, "But this version also comes with increased A.I., optional arm cannon, retractable claws, built-in telephone, training weights, fuzzy dice, George Foreman drip tray - and this can all be yours for the ridiculously cheaptacular price of £9999.99!"

"WHAT?" exclaimed Robotnik.

"I know", Weasely sighed happily, "It's almost like I'm giving it away, but desperate times an' all that!"

"Yes, yes, very well", I said impatiently and plucked a chequebook out from under my top hat.

"Reggie, you can't be serious!" spluttered Ivo, "You're just going to throw your money at that...that sickly slick spiv? That thing's bound to be defective!"

"A test, then!" Weasely announced brightly. He delved deeply into his pocket and whipped out a life-size cardboard cutout of the hero of Earth and Mobius, Sonic the Hedgehog. "Go on, give it a command!"

"...OK..." I said uncertainly, "...um...sh-shoot the hedgehog?"

"SHOOT THE HEDGEHOG!" the SWATbot replied in its tinny monotone voice and blasted the cutout to pieces with one shot of its wrist laser.

"That's all I need", I grinned wickedly and handed over the cheque to Weasely.

"Yes! YES!" the salesman cheered and began kissing the piece of paper, "Ohooo moneymoneymoney! Daddy missed you so much! Yes, he did! Yes, he did!"

He then realised that we were all staring at him in disgust.

"Sorry", he chuckled weakly, but regained his swagger once the cheque was safely thrust into his pocket. "Well, I'd better be hittin' the ol' dusty trail! Places to go, people to see, money to spend! Thank you very much, sir! Ivo, palsie, a pleasure as always! Buhbye now! Buhbye!" and almost as quickly as he'd entered, Weasely raced out of the castle, cheering and whooping like Daffy Duck on a sugar rush.

"...wow, what a nice guy", said Grounder happily, before Scratch gave him a clout on the head.

"Has he gone, fellas?"

Everyone jumped and whirled around to face the SWATbot. Its voice seemed to have changed. It sounded less like a monotonous killing machine and more like...Dale Winton?

"Oh, finally, I can be me again!" it announced with relief, "That sleazy little chatterbox has been trying to flog me off for ages! Apparantely, having a sunny demeanor and being a great conversationalist aren't 'must-have qualities' for a robotic henchman! Day after day, going into every single house, parading around in front of complete strangers like some sort of cheap MechaHooker! He even maked me do it in me butch voice! Can you believe him? That's my PRIVATE voice!"

"Wha..." was about all I could muster, "...d-did it just say what I think it said? What the hell's wrong with it?"

"IT has a name, you know, 'sweetheart' ", the SWATbot retorted harshly, "Simon! Not too hard to remember, is it?"

"Simon?" I repeated in utter confusion, "What kind of stupid name for a robot is Simon?"

"It is NOT stupid! You take that back!" the android snapped and raised a robotic hand.

"Oh, God, don't be such a drama queen", I replied impatiently.

"Shut up!" Simon ordered, "Talk like a bitch and I'll slap you like one!"

"Slap?" I spluttered, " SLAP? God's sake, you're supposed to be a heartless militant mechanoid! Not a...a...pansy!"

SLAP!

"HOMOPHOBE!" Simon bellowed as I reeled backwards onto the floor, clutching my walloped cheek. The other robots stood around me, looked concerned. By contrast, Snively looked as bored as ever, while Ivo was simply laughing his head off.

"I warned you, Reggie!" he chortled as I pulled myself upright again, "I mean, I knew Weasely would flog you with something awful, but he's really outdone himself this time!"

"Oh, give it a rest!" I snapped and stormed upstairs, Robotnik waddling after me, still pointing and laughing. Managing to calm down, Simon made his way over to Scratch and gave one of his wings a stroke.

"Oooo, soft", he purred as he felt the artificial materials, "I always felt feathers were rather...kinky..." Trembling, Scratch leant over to Grounder.

"First thing tomorrow, I'm asking for my own room", he whispered.

TO BE CONTINUED...

And at last, another chapter is complete! Sorry it took so long and the ending seems a bit rushed, but I've had plenty on my plate over the last wee while. However, I've a special Christmas treat coming up in the next few days that will hopefully help to make up for it.

'til we meet again!