Secret Santa for Three
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Summary: Reno, Rude, and Elena take some time off from being Scary Assassins, and engage in that grand resentment-cultivating seasonal tradition, Secret Santa. Utterly unapologetic goofy, OOC holiday silliness. Rude/Elena. AU-ish.
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Christmas Eve.
That magical annual tradition of goodwill, generosity, charity, and the unspeakable stress of last-minute shopping for gifts and holiday-appropriate food alike.
A time of garish decorations somehow made beautiful by the glow of a roaring fire and the warmth of companionship.
A time of overcrowded shopping centres, line-ups more than a little hazardous to the state of physical and mental health, and the slight hypocrisy inherent in tackling someone to the ground and twisting their arm for their turkey, and then cheerily wishing them a Merry Christmas whilst sauntering off with their holiday repast.
Within one small apartment, three stories above the streets of hectic bustle drawing gradually to a halt, the Christmas spirit was very much present, if the brightly decorated tree in one corner and the various other flashes of red and green and gold scattered about the room were any indication.
To be sure, this was entirely the responsibility of one of the apartment's owners, and quite likely the one also responsible for the delicately feminine décor objects nicely intermingled with the austerely masculine furniture. The one responsible for the aforementioned furniture would have assured anyone who asked that no, he had nothing to do with the Christmas decorations, if not for the fact that such a statement would likely have surpassed his word-count-per-sentence quota. By a lot.
He just didn't do things like that.
Nevertheless, and he was by no means the only one of the three crowded onto either the couch or the armchair, he had to admit that the effect of the flickering candles and the coloured lights on the tree made for a nice effect. Particularly against the little collection of boxes wrapped in brightly coloured paper and bows, and stacked on the coffee table in front of the couch.
For presents, as everyone knew, were happy.
Yes, it seemed that even this unlikely trio were able to adopt a little seasonal cheer every now and again. All was calm and tranquil, and an atmosphere of comfortable companionship and contentment left all three gladder than they might have believed.
"Yo! Elena! I'm out of beer," Reno called laconically from a sturdy black leather armchair, waving an empty bottle.
"Yo! Reno! Fridge is right where you left it," Elena informed him, snuggling happily against Rude's shoulder and smiling contentedly as his arm wrapped more tightly around her.
As Reno tromped, grumbling, into the kitchen, the tiny blonde seized a handful of Rude's shirt and hauled herself up to sneak a kiss. Rude leaned back and glanced over the couch towards the kitchen door, from a series of clinks and mutters drifted as the hunt for more beer progressed.
"Grab some coffee while you're in there, Reno," he called before pulling the girl in his arms closer again and stealing a substantially longer kiss that distracted both sufficiently that they were only dimly aware of the redhead's protest.
"What! You want me to make you coffee!"
Rude considered this carefully. Reno's coffee usually carried with it a particular form, which had the overwhelming tendency to be thick and black as tar, with an approximating taste. And while such a beverage could certainly go a long way towards providing artificial awareness on those early mornings before the brain had quite woken up on its own, the idea of tackling that muck without a healthy dose of mind-fogging fatigue to temper it…
"No," he replied immediately. "Just grab me a beer."
"Fine," Reno called back with good-natured petulance. "Elena?"
She gave her slightly spinning head a quick shake.
"No thanks," she called, leaning over Rude's lap and over the arm of the couch.
"Good," Reno grinned as he re-entered the living room and tapped one of the beer bottles lightly against Elena's head, earning a shriek of outrage as she pulled quickly away. "'Cause these are the last two."
He dropped back into the arm chair and stretched out comfortably, and a long silence followed, with the two men working at their drinks and the young woman watching the blinking lights on the tree dreamily.
"So," Reno eventually spoke up, setting his beer down on the low coffee table next to the little stack of beribboned, foil-wrapped boxes. "We gonna do this, or what?"
"Sure," Rude shrugged, pushing Elena gently off his shoulder and leaning forward.
"Not much of a Secret Santa with only three of us," Reno continued, reaching for the first box.
"I thought it would be fun," Elena protested defensively, crossing her arms and pouting slightly. "Even though I got both you guys something anyway…"
Rude smiled slightly.
"Me too."
Reno blinked, and then looked away, his expression best described as a reluctantly guilty smirk.
"Fine," he huffed. "Me too. And you better appreciate it, 'specially when I could have got away with getting one gift for both of you now."
"Oh, Reno," Elena exclaimed dramatically, throwing her arms around him amid that same man's shout of startled outrage and Rude's quiet chuckle, "your dazzling and witty presence is all the gift we could ever want!"
"Yeah, yeah, shut up and gimme my present," Reno shot back, pushing away her flamboyant hug and selecting a small box wrapped in something shiny, green, and featuring several Chocobos in Santa-hats parading across it. He peeked at the tag, with its austerely tidy printing that had become as familiar as his own after several years of working together, then shook the package. "From Rude, eh? Doesn't look like beer this time…"
"Sorry to disappoint," Rude said dryly, looking up briefly from the wide, flat box in his lap.
Elena watched, fascinated, as he returned his attention to carefully peeling the tape off of the paper.
"What are you doing?"
Rude looked up once more, rolling the prettily curled ribbon into a neat little ball.
"I like to save the paper."
She turned to Reno.
"Does he always do this?"
Reno smirked.
"Oh, yeah. Hope you don't use a lot of tape; we might be here until next Christmas."
With that, he returned his attention to his own gift, which was by now a plain cardboard box and a pile of shiny green confetti. He opened the box, and a pile of assorted kitchen gadgets began to form on the coffee table.
"A lemon juicer…an apple corer…a banana hanger…is this a garlic mincer! Thanks, Rude! This is great! This'll totally revolutionize the way I eat!"
Rude nodded his brief acknowledgement of Reno's enthusiastic thanks. Elena, by now in the process of untangling a tag on which was untidily scrawled "Merry Christmas; from Reno", looked up and giggled.
"Geez, Reno, a garlic mincer's going to revolutionize the way you eat? Remind me not to let you breathe on me."
"Hey, would you just shut up and open your present?"
"Fine," she agreed mildly, pulling the paper away from the distinctly bottle-shaped package. "Oh…red wine! Thank-you, Reno!"
Rude peered at the deep red liquid sloshing about in the glass bottle as Elena turned it over to read the label.
"I thought you didn't drink," he said.
"Aw, that's right!" Reno said, eyes widening in dismay that made an admirable attempt at seeming genuine. "Sorry about that, Elena." A brief – very brief – pause. "Hey, if you're not gonna drink it—"
"Why do you say that?" Elena asked, glaring icily at him.
"Well—"
"Reno, you didn't forget!" she interrupted, crossing her arms. "You just got me something you'd like, so I'd give it back to you! How self-serving!"
Reno lifted one eyebrow, and gestured to the open box on the couch next to Rude, from which something black and lacy was peeking.
"Oh, yeah! You're the one who got Rude sexy lingerie in your size!"
Here, Rude raised one hand, grinning slightly.
"Uh, actually, that's what I asked for."
The redhead gave a snort of laughter.
"Yeah, I figured." Then he turned imploringly to the blonde. "C'mon, Elena, don't let it go to waste."
She grinned smugly, climbing to her feet.
"It's not going to go to waste."
Reno and Rude blinked in nearly perfect unison. She giggled inwardly, and then continued.
"Since you were so thoughtful, Reno, I think the least I can do is acquire a taste for it."
More synchronized blinking followed.
"I'm going to drink it myself!" she paraphrased.
Reno continued to blink. Rude, however, found his voice. Rather ironically, although certain experts have attributed this to the fact that, as Rude's voice was used relatively rarely, it had little opportunity to get lost, and thus he always knew where to look for it.
"The whole bottle," he said flatly, eyeing her in concerned watchfulness. "By yourself."
"Maybe," she called over her shoulder as she started into the kitchen.
Rude gave a long, faintly irritated sigh as the pop of a cork sounded from the next room.
"She's going to be drunk out of her mind…"
Reno grinned.
"Yup."
"She acts like a sex-crazed kid when she's drunk."
Reno's grin widened as he reached for his jacket.
"Sure does. Merry Christmas, Rude."
The corners of the bald man's mouth quirked up very slightly as he eyed the box containing the black lacy lingerie to match the silky black boxers underneath the second layer of tissue paper.
Maybe he could get her to model…well, either of them. Black lace against soft, pale skin flushed from too much wine was a nice thought, but so was an affectionately drunk, decidedly topless Elena wearing his boxers and nothing else.
But if he told Reno that, the redhead would probably demand pictures. Upon which Rude would be forced to vigorously and thoroughly punch him. And it was Christmas, after all. Better to go the route of feigned annoyance.
"I should send her home with you."
One narrow, ruddy eyebrow lifted.
"Oh, come on, man; I thought for sure you'd like this one." He pulled a brightly wrapped box out of his jacket pocket and tossed it to his friend. "Alright, you can have the candy I got her. Guess she'll be too hung over tomorrow to want it, anyway."
Rude inspected the tag. For Elena; from your Secret Santa. He chuckled.
"Thanks, Reno. Merry Christmas."
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End Notes: Um...it's holiday fluff, and...that's about it. Still, I hope it was amusing, if nothing else. Merry Christmas! Or Happy Various and Assorted Other Holidays!