Hatred Revisited

"You cannot hate someone unless you've loved them. An emotion as destructive and all-consuming as hate can only be brought about by the betrayal of something as good and pure as love."

"So, I see you survived the war," she says as he leans on the wall beside her.

He hesitates. There have been several wars since they last spoke, the most recent being the one she just ended. It's possible she's not sure which one she's referring to either.

"I was honestly disappointed. I'd rather hoped I wouldn't have to deal with you again." Her voice is tense: she's furious. For an instant, he's afraid of what she might do.

"Really?" He forces himself to keep his own voice level and calm. "After everything… everything that's happened, you'd wish death on me?"

She pauses, staring out over the Onderon jungle. The sun is beginning to set, and he can't think of a more beautiful place to watch it than the Wall. It's the sort of thing he'd have taken her to see years ago, if they'd had the time. Or the freedom. But the beauty of the moment is ruined by the tension in the air.

"Yes," she replies quietly. He glances over at her as she continues. "Yes, I wish you were dead. I wish you'd suffered just as much as I have… I wish you could understand what you did to me."

He shakes his head. Something in her answer isn't right. She doesn't believe what she's saying. Or so he tells himself. "What I did to you?" he repeats. "You're the one who followed Revan. You brought this on yourself."

He can almost feel the tension snap as the words leave his mouth. She turns to face him, her hands gripping the edges of her robe to keep them from shaking.

"You bastard," she hisses. "You blame me for this? Me?" She takes a few gasping breaths before continuing. "You did this. You and your damned Council. You drove us to war. We had to act! And then when I turned away from the Dark side, you threw me out. You disowned me." She stops, and he can tell she's burying everything else she wants to say. When she speaks again, her voice is calm—almost mechanically so.

"And before all that, Kavar, you broke my heart."

He turns away. There's no defense against this. In this, she has every right to hate him.

"Two years. How can you dismiss a two-year-long affair by claiming it was wrong? That it was a mistake? I risked everything for you, Kavar. Because I loved you. Because… because I thought you loved me."

She sounds so… defeated. It's suddenly clear to him. He had been trying to drive her away, because her reasons for war sounded so good. Because he needed to see the situation without his lover's opinions coloring everything. She saw it as a betrayal.

In the end, that's all it really was.

"I--"

"Don't." She interrupts him, shaking her head. "Don't say you loved me, don't say you're sorry. It's a decade too late for that. I can't forgive you, Kavar. I can't."

He knows she's telling the truth. "You really hate me that much?" he asks softly, only halfway wanting to know the answer. "You really hate me so much that you can't forgive me? That you want me dead?"

Somehow, he manages to catch her gaze. She tries to stare him down and fails, just like she used to when they had fights years ago.

"No," she whispers. "No, I don't, damn you to hell. You can't even let me keep that." Her shoulders slump, and she leans heavily against the wall. "I used to hate you. I had such dreams of how I'd destroy you…" Her voice trails off as she remembers. He shifts uncomfortably. Even though he brought this on himself, it's still unpleasant to hear. "But it's too much work, actively hating someone day after day." She sighs. "So I'd hate you whenever I thought of you, and it kept me going. It reminded me how it was to feel." Her eyes finally focus on him. "But I don't think I need that anymore." She sounds bemused, as if the thought had only just occurred to her.

He takes a step towards her. When she doesn't flinch away, he puts a hand on her arm.

"If you don't hate me, then do you think you could forgive me?" he asks. She glances up at him, then looks away.

"Maybe. If I had enough time."

He sighs and drops his arm. "I understand."

She pushes off of the wall and looks back over the forest. The sun has sunk below the horizon, and night is coming on fast.

"I need to return to my ship," she says. He nods.

"I'll see you on Dantooine," he replies. She stares at him for a moment, then actually manages to conjure up a slight smile.

"Yes, you will."

He watches her leave, hating himself for giving her hope. She'll never forgive him. Not after what will happen on Dantooine.

Master Kavar watches the last of the sun's rays disappear, then returns to the palace to tell Talia goodbye. He does not expect to return.