Finally, I put up Chapter 12. It took me longer than I thought it
would, which is an old story. I had to re-write whole sections of it and
I'm still not satisfied with it. Here it is, take it for what it's worth.
Warning, willing suspension of disbelief is a must here.
Acknowledging the reviews, well, as Alan Jackson once said at an awards ceremony, "Y'all are spoiling me, I swear."
"single best fanfiction on the net", Miss Prongs? I'm flattered, really.
Houkanno Yuuhou, you'll have a bit of the answer next chapter. And calm yourself; I have good things in store for Helga. As Brainy has said, hasn't she suffered enough for one lifetime?
n8, you're confused. What I said was that Arnold would turn 13 the first week of summer and Helga would turn 13 the week after.
Chien, here's about the name. Brainy has been given the name Edward in other fics, and for reasons that will become obvious it had to be Edward in this fic. As to Moore, well, the first high profile Edward I thought of was Senator Edward Moore Kennedy, or as we might better know him Teddy. Sorry for those who disapprove of him --- of which I am one --- but it turned out to make sense anyway.
Starry Nights, I wouldn't do that.
JESS, could be.
J.T., I will return to Helga & Arnold, next chapter.
Dramagirl310, thank you too.
And so here it is, Chapter 12.
Hey Arnold is created, copyrighted, & / or owned by Craig Bartlett, Snee-Oosh, & / or Nickelodeon, which in turn is owned by Viacom.
It took a minute for Phoebe and Lila to collect their things, and Brainy had a good head start on them anyway. By the time they finally caught up to him, he was at the front desk informing the librarian that they were finished with the lab. Phoebe noticed that the librarian, while apparently glad that they --- especially Brainy --- were leaving, was quite respectful to Brainy, even calling him 'sir'.
Needless to say, Phoebe was once again full of questions. As soon as the trio cleared the confines of the library and were apparently en route to Gerald Field, she started asking.
"So your name is--"
"Yes, it is."
"Are you related to--"
"Yes, I am." he cut her off for the second consecutive time. Phoebe was angered.
"You don't even know what I'm going to say!"
"I can guess. Now that you know my real name the questions you might ask are obvious."
Again, Phoebe couldn't argue with his logic. So again, she tried another tack.
"I assume you hid your being rich--"
"You mean my family being rich."
By now Phoebe was taking his interruptions in stride. "-- for the same reason you hide your competence, shall we say?"
"Well, that's part of it."
"Oh?"
Brainy stopped, something apparently on his mind. He said nothing, just looked forward as the girls stopped behind him, waiting for him to continue. He sighed, bowed his head momentarily, and then resumed his significant end of the conversation.
"'Let me tell you about the very rich; they're different from you and me.' --- Ma Joad, 'Grapes of Wrath', John Steinbeck." He then swung around and faced his audience. "Do you really think I want to be lumped in with Rhonda and her crowd? I don't like it at all, not any of the rich families, even you to some extent, Phoebe."
She bristled. "My family's not rich."
"Two words: fencing room." She didn't like that at all.
Brainy continued. "I don't know why, but for some reason I'm just more at home with Curly and Eugene than with Lorenzo and Peapod. If I'm going to be thought of as different, it will be on my own terms."
"That can't be all of it." Phoebe persisted.
Again, Brainy sighed and bowed his head, closing his eyes momentarily as well. "You're right; it's not." Shame crept into his face; this bit of information might well have been the hardest he had yet divulged. "You see, those rumors you might have heard, about my family, my ancestors, ...they're all true." His breath became audible, shallow, as his cheeks reddened with the embarrassment. "My ancestors stole everything they ever got; it's all ill-gotten gains." With that he spun on his heel and stalked off. The others, caught unprepared for his sudden departure, found it necessary to run to catch up to him.
When they did, they found him standing on the bank of the Skukumchuk River, looking across it to the renowned Elk Island. He was still downcast, his arms crossed in front of him. He gave off an impression that caused them to still their query-laden tongues; they anticipated quite a story in store from him.
They were not disappointed as Brainy pointed to Elk Island. "That's where it started."
"Elk Island? The caves of Wheezin' Ed?"
Brainy allowed himself a forlorn smile. "This goes back over a century before Wheezin' Ed, actually." The outstretched hand reached back, scratching an itch on its owner's temple, then draping itself over his eyes such as one might when seeing something unbelievable, or when trying to shut out unpleasant memories. The hand moved down to cover his mouth, then returned to his side. Brainy started his walk again, slowly this time. The others fell in step and listened to his fascinating story; as it unfolded, they found themselves joining the few who knew of Brainy's, or maybe I should say Edward's, family history.
"I have told you my name, so to speak. You noticed I attached "the Fifth" to it, so, that would mean that there have been four others. Wait, let me start at the beginning.
My ancestry has been traced back to the 1400's, although a good amount of it is speculation. But it was always oriented around the sea, the unlawful part of it mind you."
"They were pirates?" asked Phoebe.
"Well, not just then they weren't. They were privateers, which meant that when they took the law into their own hands shall we say, it was always against another country. I've heard the oft-told though unsubstantiated stories all my life. The Elkins who sailed up the Pacific Coast with Drake. The Elkins who were among the corsairs, the buccaneers, whatever. But it came down to the early 1800's, one Jean Elkins whose father was a pirate, one of Jean Lafitte's vanished pirate crew."
"I hadn't heard of that."
"Well, first, you know that Lafitte was an ally of General Jackson in the War of 1812; in fact, if it hadn't been for Lafitte's assistance, Jackson wouldn't have won at New Orleans." "Yes." "Well, after the war, Lafitte and his men returned to pirating. They set up base on Galveston Island in 1817. They didn't harm any U.S. ships, so our government let them alone. That changed in 1820, when they attacked an American merchant vessel. They'd struck at the U.S., so the U.S. struck back; the next year a warship came out to destroy the colony. To avoid bloodshed, Lafitte and some of his men were permitted to destroy the colony themselves and sail away on one of their ships, which they did, never to be seen again.
"Except they were seen again, on the other side of the continent. My pirate ancestor, Billy Elkins, was among them. He had told his colleagues of his ancestor who'd sailed up the Pacific Coast with Drake. Lafitte figured --- you understand I got all this from family stories and there's no telling how much is true or false --- that if Drake could do it so could they. So he appointed Billy Elkins as navigator and off they went. After a close call on the Yucatan, the voyage went pretty much without incident. My ancestor, being descended from Drake's men and all, was well educated and he knew the sea pretty well, well enough to navigate that boat all the way around the Horn and on up this side.
"Once they came upon civilization they fell back on their old ways, piracy. They'd raid a town, a settlement, whatever, and then move on up the coast. Spanish territories, newly independent Mexico, the Barbary Coast, on up here to what was being disputed between Britain, Russia, and the U.S. People would give chase, a few men were lost, but on the whole they did quite well. By the time they got here ol' Billy Elkins was tiring of sea life, so he jumped ship, with quite a store of pirate treasure.
"It was a miracle that he got away with his life, much less the wealth, but he did. He made his way to shore. That shore." Brainy nodded in the direction of Elk Island. "He set up his base in the caves; saved him the trouble of constructing a shelter. But that's not all he did in the caves. Like I said, he was educated. Before hooking up with Lafitte he'd been to some English university, learned about mathematics, science, engineering--"
"Why ever did he turn to piracy?" asked Lila.
"There's no single reason why someone with everything to lose turns to crime. And education doesn't necessarily stop people from doing it. Some of the worst criminals in history have been educated --- Leopold & Loeb, the Nazi high command, Stalin. In my ancestor's case I can only tell you what I've heard --- the sea called to him, it was in his blood, etc. Whatever the reason, he went into piracy and fell in with Lafitte and so followed all the stuff I've been talking about.
"Like I said, he was educated and..." Brainy trailed off, thinking over the story he'd grown up with. "I gotta level with you; the stories I've heard about the family --- especially ol' Billy Elkins --- are a bit unbelievable. It's like a family version of Mike Fink or Ol' Stormalong, stuff of folk tales. Supposedly, he had a copy of Robinson Crusoe with him from a raid during his pirating days and based a lot of what he did on that. Supposedly, he fashioned some crude measuring instruments and used them to map out the entire cave system. Supposedly, he made a home for himself and was basically a male Martha Stewart only without the fashion sense. I know there has to be some truth to some of it; we have a 200-year- old copy of Robinson Crusoe and a real old --- and accurate --- map of the caves, but I'd be ashamed to tell you the whole thing it's so unbelievable.
"So I'll skip that part. After he turned that island into Shangri-La-- "
"Sarcastic, are we?" asked Phoebe.
"You'd understand if there was someone ten feet tall in your family tree. Anyway, supposedly my illustrious ancestor made a boat --- probably contracted it out to Paul Bunyan --- and went exploring here. He supposedly befriended the natives and the trappers and traders. He cut himself in on their fur action, even talked them into not letting Mr. Astor know about it. According to the family legend he married a native princess; it's true at least that he married a native and they had a son who they named Jean after Lafitte.
"Dear old great-great-great-great-great-granddad traded for books, with which he educated his wife and son. After Jean was educated enough according to his father, he went exploring. He found one of the first settlements on Vancouver Island and sweet-talked one of the girls there into coming back with him. In due course of time they had a son, the original Edward Moore Elkins.
"His father had wanted to name him after his pirate heroes other than Lafitte, Blackbeard and Captain Morgan. But his mother was a God-fearing woman and was against it. Since not many people knew that Blackbeard's real name was Edward Teach the first name was allowed, but not Morgan. So they compromised on Moore.
"Until the past few decades, I'm afraid the males in my family liked to walk on the wild side of the law. I told you ol' Billy Elkins --- a former pirate, remember --- had cut himself in on the trappers and traders' action; well, that was putting it mildly. No one did business in this neck of the woods without paying tribute to the Elkins family. Just a little bit, but enough so people knew they'd been taken. The God-fearing women they usually ended up marrying tried to raise their kids right, but somehow it didn't take. And so a pattern was established; one generation after another becoming criminals but giving the appearance of respectability.
"I'm afraid they did a bit of swindling of the natives too, and stirred up a bit of trouble. It's been theorized that the Elkins family was indirectly responsible for the massacre of Marcus Whitman and his wife and the others in their party. The Elkins themselves escaped retribution by retreating into those caves, which even then had some sort of legend attached to them. Of course they didn't cheat the tribes nearly as much as the government would; it's an old saying in our family that private enterprise never takes as much as the government. Of course, private enterprise doesn't have an army and navy, except maybe the Mafia.
"Anyway, as this area got settled my family became land barons, controlling most of the property in the area. And they picked up some extra money from the occasional stagecoach robbery or whatever. And when that pig war was going on they holed up in the caves and neither side bothered them. Of course the U.S. won, and there was more opportunity to clean up on land and money, and you can be sure my ancestors capitalized on that too. Oh, they were a respectable bunch of outlaws my family was, and more secure in the caves of Elkins Island than the Devil's Hole gang down in the Badlands."
"Elkins Island?" Phoebe inquired.
"Didn't know that was its original name, did you? My family ceded control of it to the governments some decades ago, and the name was summarily shortened to Elk Island to disassociate it from the Elkins name. And just try calling it 'Elkins Island' around some old people around here, like Arnold's grandparents; I won't even try to predict the reaction you'll get --- fear, anger, paranoia. We still own a good piece of it, but my family's not nearly the power around here that we once were.
"But I haven't told you of the most notorious of my ancestors. But you've already heard of him; he's infamous in local urban legend by his nickname."
Brainy stopped his narrative, as if to give the girls a chance to guess who he was talking about. Having lived there longer than Lila, Phoebe guessed it first.
"Wheezin' Ed?"
"Exactly," Brainy nodded. "My great-grandfather, Edward Moore Elkins III, also known as Wheezin' Ed --- asthma just might run in the family. The undisputed unchallenged head of what organized crime there was around here during the first third of the 20th century. Of course prohibition was a gold mine for him. With how close Canada is, it was no problem for him to smuggle in boatloads of illegal booze. And he had this part of the state, this part of the country, really, basically to himself; not even the Mafia bothered to go west of Minnesota or north of California."
The trio had covered a great deal of ground during Brainy's monologue, so when he stopped the others didn't protest. He turned once again to face them, to look them in the eyes.
"So there you have it; here before you stands a young man with a mark of Cain on him, descended from a family of ne'er-do-wells climaxed by the Godfather of the Pacific Northwest. Can you see now why I wouldn't want people to know I was from that family?"
Phoebe and Lila didn't know what to say, they were so overwhelmed with the revelations. But Phoebe started thinking, and...
"But you don't live on Elk Island; you live on the same streets as, well, most of the kids I know, present company included." she said, nodding at Lila.
"You see, my parents had heard what people have been saying about our family. They didn't want me to suffer because I was an Elkins, so while they told me to always be proud of my family, they moved us out here where I could go to school during the school year and no one would have to know what I really was. But we still have quite a spread on the island."
He was looking at them as he said this, and he could see they were going to need a bit of convincing. "Phoebe, do you remember that time you guys went to Elk Island to look through the caves for the treasure of Wheezin' Ed?"
"Yes."
Lila looked at her, curious. Phoebe explained.
"There's been rumors of treasure in those caves. We went there and looked but all we found was a counterfeit penny operation."
"That's right." confirmed Brainy. "And do you remember what else you found there, or should I say who?"
She was having trouble with this one.
"When Helga screamed, and the rest of you came running? You forgot you were holding a flashlight?"
Slowly, it came to her. "Oh. Oh." She went silent, then, "We saw you."
He nodded. "And may I say your 'swordplay' was impressive."
"Um, thank you. What were you doing there anyway?"
"Uh, something?"
"Very funny. That's exactly what he said then too, word for word." Phoebe added, looking at Lila.
"But really," Brainy said, "What was I doing there? How did I get there?"
"Sheena's uncle brought you over, like he did us?"
"It would have had to have been before he brought you, since there wouldn't have been enough time for him to go to that fish & chips place, find out about the counterfeit penny, get drawn into the police investigation, and so forth. But if he'd brought me over before you, why didn't he tell you?"
"What makes you think he didn't?"
"If he had, you wouldn't have asked what I was doing there."
"Well, um, maybe you rented a boat yourself."
"A nine year old? They don't rent to people that young and you know it."
She was having trouble thinking of another reason.
"And another thing; why didn't I come back with the rest of you? And was it just coincidence that I just happened to be in the exact spot in those caves where Arnold & Helga would find me? And didn't you notice any figures on the wall that bore a passing resemblance to me? And--"
"All right, you've convinced me!"
"Really Phoebe, you guys should have let me know you were coming; I know every inch of those caves--"
"Brainy! You've explained enough, and I'm now prepared to believe that you are indeed from the first family of Hillwood which has a mansion on Elk Island and which used to own half the town already, all right?"
Phoebe was hot now; she'd had enough of Brainy's explanations and the perfect sense they made. She pushed past both him and Lila; now she was setting the pace for them en route to Gerald Field.
Lila walked alongside Brainy. She'd been silent through Brainy's story and the occasional ripostes with Phoebe, but now that it had seemingly broken off, she had some questions of her own. There were things she wanted to know about him.
"Brainy?"
"Yes, Lila?"
"Would you please tell me the rest of the story of your family? I'm ever so certain I'd like to hear it."
"Well, we'd better hang back another step; I don't want to disturb Phoebe any more than I already have."
A snort was heard from ahead of them, signaling that Phoebe had heard that.
"Well, where did I leave off?"
"You were telling about your great-grandfather Wheezin' Ed."
"Oh yeah. Well, it was after him that my family saw the light, so to speak. You see--"
By now they were passing the city park. To be specific, they were passing the section of the park used for the annual Chinese Checkers tournaments. Brainy froze, in his step and in his speech, at the gateway.
The cessation was so sudden that even Phoebe stopped, curious as to what other revelations he would divulge. She walked back to join Brainy and Lila. Brainy's eyes were fastened to the gateway, his lips pressed tightly to each other.
"It used to be here." he finally said.
"What did?" Lila asked.
Brainy's eyes closed, his head shook, and then he returned to the conversation.
"Actually, it's appropriate we should happen to be here just as I was about to tell you about my great-grandmother Tina!"
"Oh?"
"Best decision ol' Wheezin' Ed ever made was to marry her. She was another in the line of God-fearing Elkins women, but in her case it actually took; since then, starting with my grandfather, we've gotten out of the 'family business' as they call it.
"It's taken some doing, but we're clean now, my family. We have been for decades, although we do still have a bit of pull which we use on rare occasion. My parents used it to hide my real name; even in my school records I'm 'Brainy'. And I used it when I reserved that science lab for our meeting today. All I had to do was call the college president and say 'Mr. Elkins would like...', and fill in the blank. My family has contributed a lot of money to the college over the years. And some people are still afraid of the family name; we're still heavily involved in local business and industry."
"But not in illegal activities."
"Right. After Wheezin' Ed made his big exit the family pulled out of that stuff as well and as quickly as they could. They sold huge portions of their properties to get money to try to atone for what they'd done over the years. Including much of the land we'd owned. The statutes of limitations on the family's criminal activities had run out, but Great-grandma wouldn't let us get off that easy. She led the way in the family trying to make restitution where we could. We'd sell land, businesses, whatever; and then use the money for good works, public works, start foundations or something, give to the descendants of those who'd been wronged, whatever."
"And all this was because of your grandmother." Lila stated.
"Great-grandmother." Brainy corrected. "Yes, my great-grandma Tina." He gestured toward the gateway before which they still stood. "This park was one of those public works I mentioned. My grandfather, Edward Moore Elkins IV, dedicated this park, named it after her. We have some pictures at home of the old days of Tina Park."
"The name must have changed some time ago; I've always known it as just the park." Phoebe put in.
"And your family came here from Kentucky when, the '80's?" Brainy countered.
"Well, yes, I believe that was approximately when they moved." Phoebe confessed.
"I think the name changed in the '70's, but I'm not sure. When we sold it to Smythe-Higgins, it was with the stipulation that the name remain the same. I guess we could take him to court on not living up to that, but we just don't want to bother with it. We just let others --- the Van Burens, the Smythe-Higgins', and so on --- get bigger while we pulled back from the rich and whatever. The family just didn't want to get into it, whatever 'it' was, didn't want to connect with their shady past. They even gave my dad a different name to break from the past. I got the name in an effort to redeem it..."
By this time he was tiring, and it showed. He was leaning on the post from which the gate used to hang, his hand to his forehead as he trailed off.
"We should go." Phoebe finally said.
"Right", Brainy said as he snapped to attention. "There is one more place for you two to see, though." he continued, in conversation and in step. "Fortunately, it's on the way."
Five minutes later they were in a somewhat less park-like part of town, approaching an institution that was quite familiar to them. Well, familiar to two of them. As they reached the building, Phoebe and Lila stopped. But Brainy kept walking. He stepped up to the wrought iron fence extending from the other side of the building, climbed it and continued on to the back door.
"Hey, we're not allowed in there at this time of, well, this time, we're not allowed in there now!" Phoebe stammered as she and Lila made their way to the fence.
"So I'll leave if I'm told to." Brainy called back, finally stopping with his nose an inch from the door. He turned to face them, his arms sweeping upward. "Recognize this place, Phoebe?"
Phoebe's face frowned as she considered the structure. "Yes, it's Urban Tots Preschool."
Brainy nodded, then his focus shifted back to Lila. "This is where we all went to preschool, pretty much everyone you met on your first day at P.S.118. The whole gang." he trailed off again, turning back to look through the plate glass that was the doors. "And that's where I was on that first day." Here he pointed to a certain spot somewhere in the back of the front room. As his arm lowered, a sigh escaped his lips, and a thoughtful look came upon his face.
He turned to his left, away from them, and walked over to the bench, where he sat. Arms folded, eyes closed, head shaking with who-knows-what memories of childhood. He knew, and he proceeded to share said memories with his audience.
"I was a pretty messed-up kid back then; I guess I still am, but I hope I'm a bit farther on the road to normalcy now than I was then. I have good parents, mind you. There was never any doubt that they loved me, and they still do. They also want the best for me, and I got that loud & clear too. They've raised me right, with one exception: they never really disciplined me. Basically, they pretty much let me do what I want. It's a good thing I'm the compliant type or things would have gotten very ugly. They were raised on Schlock and in turn they raised me on Lip-sht, excuse my language but that's just what I think about him. Which means that any form of physical correction was out of the question. Maybe some kids don't need that, but I did, and I didn't get it. The only reason I didn't become a hell-raiser before preschool was I had been impressed with the evil legacy of our family and how important it was for us to redeem it, to make up for the wrongs our ancestors had done. Plus I've always wanted to please my parents.
"Anyway, skip ahead to the first day of preschool. There I was, a three-year-old who'd never been subjected to anything approaching hardship, just looking for someone to say 'no' to me. Compounding the problem, I was, as I am now, shy to the extreme. Plus, I was three."
"So you were three; what does that have to do with anything?" Phoebe asked.
Brainy turned around on the bench to face them. "What? Oh. Well, I guess I wouldn't know myself if Dr. Bliss hadn't clued me in. But you should already know, Phoebe." Now it was Brainy's turn to be puzzled as he gazed on her. "I know that you know about Freud and all that."
"Oh. You were in that stage." Phoebe said simply.
Brainy nodded. "I was getting there, at least."
"Excuse me?" Lila interposed. "Could someone explain to me what you're talking about?"
"You tell her, Phoebe."
"All right. You see, Lila, according to Freud, at about the age of three one enters the stage of development which includes the Oedipus complex, or if you're a girl the Electra complex."
"That's right, and it was the case with me, apparently." Brainy interrupted. "Any day then I was supposed to start getting unnaturally attached to my mother. Preschool, however, changed the plan."
"That was when you fell in love with Helga?" Lila asked.
"Exactly. There I was, just trying to stay out of the way, trying to hide basically. I had a pretty good view of the front doors over there," he gestured to his right, "and I was just watching who was coming in. There was nothing that really impressed me --- no offense, Phoebe, since that included you."
"None taken."
"Then I saw her, the most miserable person I'd ever seen. It was raining and she looked like she'd walked all the way from her house in the rain. As I later found out, she had. Mud-splattered, no lunch, just basically like she didn't have a friend in the world. Then a green Packard pulled up behind her, and a little boy came out of it. A football-headed kid, with a little blue hat and a blue umbrella, which he shared with her."
"Arnold." Phoebe guessed.
"Arnold. As soon as she noticed it wasn't raining on her anymore and that he was there, he said something nice to her --- I couldn't hear it from inside, but I later found out that he said he liked her bow and that explains a lot --- and came inside. She just looked at him, her arms up on the glass, and then she smiled, the most glorious smile I'd ever seen. It was the most beautiful sight, she, was the most beautiful sight, in all her muddy bedraggled glory. How could I not love her on sight."
Brainy's tale of woe was having its effect as by now Lila was in tears, for at least the third time that day. Phoebe was holding up somewhat better. But Brainy wasn't finished yet.
"I haven't told you about when we --- Helga and I --- passed the point of no return. It was snack time. Helga had been trying to make herself attractive to Arnold, trying to get him to notice her. Of course we know that he was the first who had really shown her kindness and she then psychologically latched on to him. She was at that stage too, and I guess she was about to enter the Electra Complex – an attachment to Big Bob Pataki, of all people." Brainy shook his head with disgust, or revulsion, or compassion, or something. "She was concentrating on him so much she didn't notice Harold stealing her crackers until they were practically in his mouth. Laughed as he did it too. He was a bully even then. Brought her to tears. Why some people like to do that is still a mystery to me.
"Of course, Arnold being Arnold, he gave her his crackers. He was so nice about it, smiled at her and everything, which I admit goes without saying. And she was smitten anew.
"Then it happened; other kids noticed and started to laugh at her. Of course Harold took the lead on that, but he wasn't the only one. Rhonda, Sid, Stinky, they were all laughing at her. I could see the conflict she was going through, she really wanted to be nice. Especially with Arnold looking at her, like he was saying 'what are you going to do about this?'
"But it was too much for her. Her weakness is being laughed at; she can't stand it. As much as she wanted to be good, as much as she wanted to impress Arnold with nice-ness like he'd impressed her, the laughter got to her. She snapped. She jumped on top of Harold, and the bully was born. Ol' Betsy, the Five Avengers, and all. It was heartbreaking to see that, and yet, I found it irresistibly alluring.
"Later, during arts & crafts or whatever, she was going around establishing her authority. She was the boss. Then she saw Arnold again, and she looked for a place where she could be alone. As soon as she found that place I followed her there; I had to tell her how I felt. I came upon her; she was talking to a locket of Arnold, how she got it I don't know. She was saying, 'I love you Arnold and I wanna marry you'. I was so excited, her being so close and in a romantic mood. But then my asthma went into overdrive; I started to wheeze uncontrollably. Of course she heard me. And of course she hit me. That fist in my face sealed my fate; from then on no one was as infatuated as I was, not even her.
"Since then, I've repeated the process as often as I could. She shouts at him or whatever, she goes looking for a place to be alone, she pours out her heart to him in absentia, I come up behind her wanting to do the same, the wheezing, the fist, repeat the next day. Or later that same day. It got to where if she didn't pound me I'd have to do it to myself or I'd get the shakes, the sweats, hyperventilation, convulsions if I let it go that far. I guess I've become a masochist. But on rare occasion she'd touch my face, just a little pat; that was a gift from Heaven.
"Two, three years ago, right after she started going to Dr. Bliss, she stopped hitting me; I've been going through hell ever since. Oh, I'd hit myself, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't until I started seeing Dr. Bliss that I figured out what was going on.
"It seems that at the time that I should have been developing feelings for the dominant female in my life, my mother, Helga became the dominant female in my life. And I took the punishment she dished out in place of what I wasn't getting at home. I welcomed it, I wanted more of it. So by now I'm messed up, only now I know what's going on and I'm trying to do something about it.
"Like I already told you, maybe when I get Helga together with Arnold, I'll be better able to get over my obsession with her and hopefully move on with my life."
And with this, Brainy's mouth snapped shut. It became obvious that he was finished. At least since Arnold came into the story, the audience of two had been spellbound. But again Phoebe was thinking, and again she voiced objections.
"Brainy, I'm impressed. All of those two dollar words and concepts, as Stinky would call them."
"All right, so I'm gifted. You think I want to be sent to an advanced school, or even skipped ahead a grade or two like you were?"
That hit home with Phoebe. "Point taken. But how is it that you remember events from when you were three with such clarity? Don't tell me you have a photographic memory too."
"All right, I won't tell you."
"Really? You have a photographic memory?"
"You told me not to tell. But it shouldn't be such a surprise; people can have excellent recall of what's important to them, and I think I've established how important Helga is to me."
There was nothing more to be said. At least, not until Brainy looked at his watch.
"Oops, you two had better get going. If you start now you should reach Gerald Field in time for practice. Don't want to give Helga another reason to be upset."
Phoebe turned to go, but Lila held back for a minute. "What about you?"
"We geeks are on the bench; our presence is not necessary at practices."
"What are you going to do then?"
"Try to bury some ghosts from my past. It was here my love for Helga was born, and it's here it must die. As someone said, 'Do as I bid thee, go.'"
With that, Brainy turned his back on Lila. Things were starting to get to him, and he didn't want her to see him upset.
But Lila stayed for one more attempt. "Brainy..."
"Don't you have a ball game to get to?" was all that came from him.
Lila gave up then; she turned, and ran to catch up to Phoebe.
Brainy, true to his word, stayed for a while. He walked from the bench to the carousel, and then back. He then reached into a pocket and pulled out a straw and a sheet of paper. He tore the paper, and in due course of time it was reduced to so many spit-balls. Then Brainy used the spit-balls as he'd seen Helga do, how many times, hundreds, thousands? From appearances, he was engaged in spit-ball target practice, aiming between the bars in the fence. Satisfied, he returned the straw to his pocket.
He then walked to the carousel again, and fell onto it. He was weeping now at what he could never have, at what he had to do. He closed his eyes, and again he was Paris. He recited more lines with which he was intimately acquainted.
"Sweet flower, with flowers thy bridal bed I strew---
O woe, thy canopy is dust and stones!---
Which with sweet water nightly I will dew,
Or wanting that, with tears distill'd by moans.
The obsequies that I for thee will keep
Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep."
"O, I am slain! If thou be merciful,
Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet."
And again the tears came.
Folks, I have to leave a half hour ago so I'll keep this short. Please review. Next chapter I will get back to Arnold & Helga and in succeeding chapters things that don't seem to make sense here will. Cy'all.
Acknowledging the reviews, well, as Alan Jackson once said at an awards ceremony, "Y'all are spoiling me, I swear."
"single best fanfiction on the net", Miss Prongs? I'm flattered, really.
Houkanno Yuuhou, you'll have a bit of the answer next chapter. And calm yourself; I have good things in store for Helga. As Brainy has said, hasn't she suffered enough for one lifetime?
n8, you're confused. What I said was that Arnold would turn 13 the first week of summer and Helga would turn 13 the week after.
Chien, here's about the name. Brainy has been given the name Edward in other fics, and for reasons that will become obvious it had to be Edward in this fic. As to Moore, well, the first high profile Edward I thought of was Senator Edward Moore Kennedy, or as we might better know him Teddy. Sorry for those who disapprove of him --- of which I am one --- but it turned out to make sense anyway.
Starry Nights, I wouldn't do that.
JESS, could be.
J.T., I will return to Helga & Arnold, next chapter.
Dramagirl310, thank you too.
And so here it is, Chapter 12.
Hey Arnold is created, copyrighted, & / or owned by Craig Bartlett, Snee-Oosh, & / or Nickelodeon, which in turn is owned by Viacom.
It took a minute for Phoebe and Lila to collect their things, and Brainy had a good head start on them anyway. By the time they finally caught up to him, he was at the front desk informing the librarian that they were finished with the lab. Phoebe noticed that the librarian, while apparently glad that they --- especially Brainy --- were leaving, was quite respectful to Brainy, even calling him 'sir'.
Needless to say, Phoebe was once again full of questions. As soon as the trio cleared the confines of the library and were apparently en route to Gerald Field, she started asking.
"So your name is--"
"Yes, it is."
"Are you related to--"
"Yes, I am." he cut her off for the second consecutive time. Phoebe was angered.
"You don't even know what I'm going to say!"
"I can guess. Now that you know my real name the questions you might ask are obvious."
Again, Phoebe couldn't argue with his logic. So again, she tried another tack.
"I assume you hid your being rich--"
"You mean my family being rich."
By now Phoebe was taking his interruptions in stride. "-- for the same reason you hide your competence, shall we say?"
"Well, that's part of it."
"Oh?"
Brainy stopped, something apparently on his mind. He said nothing, just looked forward as the girls stopped behind him, waiting for him to continue. He sighed, bowed his head momentarily, and then resumed his significant end of the conversation.
"'Let me tell you about the very rich; they're different from you and me.' --- Ma Joad, 'Grapes of Wrath', John Steinbeck." He then swung around and faced his audience. "Do you really think I want to be lumped in with Rhonda and her crowd? I don't like it at all, not any of the rich families, even you to some extent, Phoebe."
She bristled. "My family's not rich."
"Two words: fencing room." She didn't like that at all.
Brainy continued. "I don't know why, but for some reason I'm just more at home with Curly and Eugene than with Lorenzo and Peapod. If I'm going to be thought of as different, it will be on my own terms."
"That can't be all of it." Phoebe persisted.
Again, Brainy sighed and bowed his head, closing his eyes momentarily as well. "You're right; it's not." Shame crept into his face; this bit of information might well have been the hardest he had yet divulged. "You see, those rumors you might have heard, about my family, my ancestors, ...they're all true." His breath became audible, shallow, as his cheeks reddened with the embarrassment. "My ancestors stole everything they ever got; it's all ill-gotten gains." With that he spun on his heel and stalked off. The others, caught unprepared for his sudden departure, found it necessary to run to catch up to him.
When they did, they found him standing on the bank of the Skukumchuk River, looking across it to the renowned Elk Island. He was still downcast, his arms crossed in front of him. He gave off an impression that caused them to still their query-laden tongues; they anticipated quite a story in store from him.
They were not disappointed as Brainy pointed to Elk Island. "That's where it started."
"Elk Island? The caves of Wheezin' Ed?"
Brainy allowed himself a forlorn smile. "This goes back over a century before Wheezin' Ed, actually." The outstretched hand reached back, scratching an itch on its owner's temple, then draping itself over his eyes such as one might when seeing something unbelievable, or when trying to shut out unpleasant memories. The hand moved down to cover his mouth, then returned to his side. Brainy started his walk again, slowly this time. The others fell in step and listened to his fascinating story; as it unfolded, they found themselves joining the few who knew of Brainy's, or maybe I should say Edward's, family history.
"I have told you my name, so to speak. You noticed I attached "the Fifth" to it, so, that would mean that there have been four others. Wait, let me start at the beginning.
My ancestry has been traced back to the 1400's, although a good amount of it is speculation. But it was always oriented around the sea, the unlawful part of it mind you."
"They were pirates?" asked Phoebe.
"Well, not just then they weren't. They were privateers, which meant that when they took the law into their own hands shall we say, it was always against another country. I've heard the oft-told though unsubstantiated stories all my life. The Elkins who sailed up the Pacific Coast with Drake. The Elkins who were among the corsairs, the buccaneers, whatever. But it came down to the early 1800's, one Jean Elkins whose father was a pirate, one of Jean Lafitte's vanished pirate crew."
"I hadn't heard of that."
"Well, first, you know that Lafitte was an ally of General Jackson in the War of 1812; in fact, if it hadn't been for Lafitte's assistance, Jackson wouldn't have won at New Orleans." "Yes." "Well, after the war, Lafitte and his men returned to pirating. They set up base on Galveston Island in 1817. They didn't harm any U.S. ships, so our government let them alone. That changed in 1820, when they attacked an American merchant vessel. They'd struck at the U.S., so the U.S. struck back; the next year a warship came out to destroy the colony. To avoid bloodshed, Lafitte and some of his men were permitted to destroy the colony themselves and sail away on one of their ships, which they did, never to be seen again.
"Except they were seen again, on the other side of the continent. My pirate ancestor, Billy Elkins, was among them. He had told his colleagues of his ancestor who'd sailed up the Pacific Coast with Drake. Lafitte figured --- you understand I got all this from family stories and there's no telling how much is true or false --- that if Drake could do it so could they. So he appointed Billy Elkins as navigator and off they went. After a close call on the Yucatan, the voyage went pretty much without incident. My ancestor, being descended from Drake's men and all, was well educated and he knew the sea pretty well, well enough to navigate that boat all the way around the Horn and on up this side.
"Once they came upon civilization they fell back on their old ways, piracy. They'd raid a town, a settlement, whatever, and then move on up the coast. Spanish territories, newly independent Mexico, the Barbary Coast, on up here to what was being disputed between Britain, Russia, and the U.S. People would give chase, a few men were lost, but on the whole they did quite well. By the time they got here ol' Billy Elkins was tiring of sea life, so he jumped ship, with quite a store of pirate treasure.
"It was a miracle that he got away with his life, much less the wealth, but he did. He made his way to shore. That shore." Brainy nodded in the direction of Elk Island. "He set up his base in the caves; saved him the trouble of constructing a shelter. But that's not all he did in the caves. Like I said, he was educated. Before hooking up with Lafitte he'd been to some English university, learned about mathematics, science, engineering--"
"Why ever did he turn to piracy?" asked Lila.
"There's no single reason why someone with everything to lose turns to crime. And education doesn't necessarily stop people from doing it. Some of the worst criminals in history have been educated --- Leopold & Loeb, the Nazi high command, Stalin. In my ancestor's case I can only tell you what I've heard --- the sea called to him, it was in his blood, etc. Whatever the reason, he went into piracy and fell in with Lafitte and so followed all the stuff I've been talking about.
"Like I said, he was educated and..." Brainy trailed off, thinking over the story he'd grown up with. "I gotta level with you; the stories I've heard about the family --- especially ol' Billy Elkins --- are a bit unbelievable. It's like a family version of Mike Fink or Ol' Stormalong, stuff of folk tales. Supposedly, he had a copy of Robinson Crusoe with him from a raid during his pirating days and based a lot of what he did on that. Supposedly, he fashioned some crude measuring instruments and used them to map out the entire cave system. Supposedly, he made a home for himself and was basically a male Martha Stewart only without the fashion sense. I know there has to be some truth to some of it; we have a 200-year- old copy of Robinson Crusoe and a real old --- and accurate --- map of the caves, but I'd be ashamed to tell you the whole thing it's so unbelievable.
"So I'll skip that part. After he turned that island into Shangri-La-- "
"Sarcastic, are we?" asked Phoebe.
"You'd understand if there was someone ten feet tall in your family tree. Anyway, supposedly my illustrious ancestor made a boat --- probably contracted it out to Paul Bunyan --- and went exploring here. He supposedly befriended the natives and the trappers and traders. He cut himself in on their fur action, even talked them into not letting Mr. Astor know about it. According to the family legend he married a native princess; it's true at least that he married a native and they had a son who they named Jean after Lafitte.
"Dear old great-great-great-great-great-granddad traded for books, with which he educated his wife and son. After Jean was educated enough according to his father, he went exploring. He found one of the first settlements on Vancouver Island and sweet-talked one of the girls there into coming back with him. In due course of time they had a son, the original Edward Moore Elkins.
"His father had wanted to name him after his pirate heroes other than Lafitte, Blackbeard and Captain Morgan. But his mother was a God-fearing woman and was against it. Since not many people knew that Blackbeard's real name was Edward Teach the first name was allowed, but not Morgan. So they compromised on Moore.
"Until the past few decades, I'm afraid the males in my family liked to walk on the wild side of the law. I told you ol' Billy Elkins --- a former pirate, remember --- had cut himself in on the trappers and traders' action; well, that was putting it mildly. No one did business in this neck of the woods without paying tribute to the Elkins family. Just a little bit, but enough so people knew they'd been taken. The God-fearing women they usually ended up marrying tried to raise their kids right, but somehow it didn't take. And so a pattern was established; one generation after another becoming criminals but giving the appearance of respectability.
"I'm afraid they did a bit of swindling of the natives too, and stirred up a bit of trouble. It's been theorized that the Elkins family was indirectly responsible for the massacre of Marcus Whitman and his wife and the others in their party. The Elkins themselves escaped retribution by retreating into those caves, which even then had some sort of legend attached to them. Of course they didn't cheat the tribes nearly as much as the government would; it's an old saying in our family that private enterprise never takes as much as the government. Of course, private enterprise doesn't have an army and navy, except maybe the Mafia.
"Anyway, as this area got settled my family became land barons, controlling most of the property in the area. And they picked up some extra money from the occasional stagecoach robbery or whatever. And when that pig war was going on they holed up in the caves and neither side bothered them. Of course the U.S. won, and there was more opportunity to clean up on land and money, and you can be sure my ancestors capitalized on that too. Oh, they were a respectable bunch of outlaws my family was, and more secure in the caves of Elkins Island than the Devil's Hole gang down in the Badlands."
"Elkins Island?" Phoebe inquired.
"Didn't know that was its original name, did you? My family ceded control of it to the governments some decades ago, and the name was summarily shortened to Elk Island to disassociate it from the Elkins name. And just try calling it 'Elkins Island' around some old people around here, like Arnold's grandparents; I won't even try to predict the reaction you'll get --- fear, anger, paranoia. We still own a good piece of it, but my family's not nearly the power around here that we once were.
"But I haven't told you of the most notorious of my ancestors. But you've already heard of him; he's infamous in local urban legend by his nickname."
Brainy stopped his narrative, as if to give the girls a chance to guess who he was talking about. Having lived there longer than Lila, Phoebe guessed it first.
"Wheezin' Ed?"
"Exactly," Brainy nodded. "My great-grandfather, Edward Moore Elkins III, also known as Wheezin' Ed --- asthma just might run in the family. The undisputed unchallenged head of what organized crime there was around here during the first third of the 20th century. Of course prohibition was a gold mine for him. With how close Canada is, it was no problem for him to smuggle in boatloads of illegal booze. And he had this part of the state, this part of the country, really, basically to himself; not even the Mafia bothered to go west of Minnesota or north of California."
The trio had covered a great deal of ground during Brainy's monologue, so when he stopped the others didn't protest. He turned once again to face them, to look them in the eyes.
"So there you have it; here before you stands a young man with a mark of Cain on him, descended from a family of ne'er-do-wells climaxed by the Godfather of the Pacific Northwest. Can you see now why I wouldn't want people to know I was from that family?"
Phoebe and Lila didn't know what to say, they were so overwhelmed with the revelations. But Phoebe started thinking, and...
"But you don't live on Elk Island; you live on the same streets as, well, most of the kids I know, present company included." she said, nodding at Lila.
"You see, my parents had heard what people have been saying about our family. They didn't want me to suffer because I was an Elkins, so while they told me to always be proud of my family, they moved us out here where I could go to school during the school year and no one would have to know what I really was. But we still have quite a spread on the island."
He was looking at them as he said this, and he could see they were going to need a bit of convincing. "Phoebe, do you remember that time you guys went to Elk Island to look through the caves for the treasure of Wheezin' Ed?"
"Yes."
Lila looked at her, curious. Phoebe explained.
"There's been rumors of treasure in those caves. We went there and looked but all we found was a counterfeit penny operation."
"That's right." confirmed Brainy. "And do you remember what else you found there, or should I say who?"
She was having trouble with this one.
"When Helga screamed, and the rest of you came running? You forgot you were holding a flashlight?"
Slowly, it came to her. "Oh. Oh." She went silent, then, "We saw you."
He nodded. "And may I say your 'swordplay' was impressive."
"Um, thank you. What were you doing there anyway?"
"Uh, something?"
"Very funny. That's exactly what he said then too, word for word." Phoebe added, looking at Lila.
"But really," Brainy said, "What was I doing there? How did I get there?"
"Sheena's uncle brought you over, like he did us?"
"It would have had to have been before he brought you, since there wouldn't have been enough time for him to go to that fish & chips place, find out about the counterfeit penny, get drawn into the police investigation, and so forth. But if he'd brought me over before you, why didn't he tell you?"
"What makes you think he didn't?"
"If he had, you wouldn't have asked what I was doing there."
"Well, um, maybe you rented a boat yourself."
"A nine year old? They don't rent to people that young and you know it."
She was having trouble thinking of another reason.
"And another thing; why didn't I come back with the rest of you? And was it just coincidence that I just happened to be in the exact spot in those caves where Arnold & Helga would find me? And didn't you notice any figures on the wall that bore a passing resemblance to me? And--"
"All right, you've convinced me!"
"Really Phoebe, you guys should have let me know you were coming; I know every inch of those caves--"
"Brainy! You've explained enough, and I'm now prepared to believe that you are indeed from the first family of Hillwood which has a mansion on Elk Island and which used to own half the town already, all right?"
Phoebe was hot now; she'd had enough of Brainy's explanations and the perfect sense they made. She pushed past both him and Lila; now she was setting the pace for them en route to Gerald Field.
Lila walked alongside Brainy. She'd been silent through Brainy's story and the occasional ripostes with Phoebe, but now that it had seemingly broken off, she had some questions of her own. There were things she wanted to know about him.
"Brainy?"
"Yes, Lila?"
"Would you please tell me the rest of the story of your family? I'm ever so certain I'd like to hear it."
"Well, we'd better hang back another step; I don't want to disturb Phoebe any more than I already have."
A snort was heard from ahead of them, signaling that Phoebe had heard that.
"Well, where did I leave off?"
"You were telling about your great-grandfather Wheezin' Ed."
"Oh yeah. Well, it was after him that my family saw the light, so to speak. You see--"
By now they were passing the city park. To be specific, they were passing the section of the park used for the annual Chinese Checkers tournaments. Brainy froze, in his step and in his speech, at the gateway.
The cessation was so sudden that even Phoebe stopped, curious as to what other revelations he would divulge. She walked back to join Brainy and Lila. Brainy's eyes were fastened to the gateway, his lips pressed tightly to each other.
"It used to be here." he finally said.
"What did?" Lila asked.
Brainy's eyes closed, his head shook, and then he returned to the conversation.
"Actually, it's appropriate we should happen to be here just as I was about to tell you about my great-grandmother Tina!"
"Oh?"
"Best decision ol' Wheezin' Ed ever made was to marry her. She was another in the line of God-fearing Elkins women, but in her case it actually took; since then, starting with my grandfather, we've gotten out of the 'family business' as they call it.
"It's taken some doing, but we're clean now, my family. We have been for decades, although we do still have a bit of pull which we use on rare occasion. My parents used it to hide my real name; even in my school records I'm 'Brainy'. And I used it when I reserved that science lab for our meeting today. All I had to do was call the college president and say 'Mr. Elkins would like...', and fill in the blank. My family has contributed a lot of money to the college over the years. And some people are still afraid of the family name; we're still heavily involved in local business and industry."
"But not in illegal activities."
"Right. After Wheezin' Ed made his big exit the family pulled out of that stuff as well and as quickly as they could. They sold huge portions of their properties to get money to try to atone for what they'd done over the years. Including much of the land we'd owned. The statutes of limitations on the family's criminal activities had run out, but Great-grandma wouldn't let us get off that easy. She led the way in the family trying to make restitution where we could. We'd sell land, businesses, whatever; and then use the money for good works, public works, start foundations or something, give to the descendants of those who'd been wronged, whatever."
"And all this was because of your grandmother." Lila stated.
"Great-grandmother." Brainy corrected. "Yes, my great-grandma Tina." He gestured toward the gateway before which they still stood. "This park was one of those public works I mentioned. My grandfather, Edward Moore Elkins IV, dedicated this park, named it after her. We have some pictures at home of the old days of Tina Park."
"The name must have changed some time ago; I've always known it as just the park." Phoebe put in.
"And your family came here from Kentucky when, the '80's?" Brainy countered.
"Well, yes, I believe that was approximately when they moved." Phoebe confessed.
"I think the name changed in the '70's, but I'm not sure. When we sold it to Smythe-Higgins, it was with the stipulation that the name remain the same. I guess we could take him to court on not living up to that, but we just don't want to bother with it. We just let others --- the Van Burens, the Smythe-Higgins', and so on --- get bigger while we pulled back from the rich and whatever. The family just didn't want to get into it, whatever 'it' was, didn't want to connect with their shady past. They even gave my dad a different name to break from the past. I got the name in an effort to redeem it..."
By this time he was tiring, and it showed. He was leaning on the post from which the gate used to hang, his hand to his forehead as he trailed off.
"We should go." Phoebe finally said.
"Right", Brainy said as he snapped to attention. "There is one more place for you two to see, though." he continued, in conversation and in step. "Fortunately, it's on the way."
Five minutes later they were in a somewhat less park-like part of town, approaching an institution that was quite familiar to them. Well, familiar to two of them. As they reached the building, Phoebe and Lila stopped. But Brainy kept walking. He stepped up to the wrought iron fence extending from the other side of the building, climbed it and continued on to the back door.
"Hey, we're not allowed in there at this time of, well, this time, we're not allowed in there now!" Phoebe stammered as she and Lila made their way to the fence.
"So I'll leave if I'm told to." Brainy called back, finally stopping with his nose an inch from the door. He turned to face them, his arms sweeping upward. "Recognize this place, Phoebe?"
Phoebe's face frowned as she considered the structure. "Yes, it's Urban Tots Preschool."
Brainy nodded, then his focus shifted back to Lila. "This is where we all went to preschool, pretty much everyone you met on your first day at P.S.118. The whole gang." he trailed off again, turning back to look through the plate glass that was the doors. "And that's where I was on that first day." Here he pointed to a certain spot somewhere in the back of the front room. As his arm lowered, a sigh escaped his lips, and a thoughtful look came upon his face.
He turned to his left, away from them, and walked over to the bench, where he sat. Arms folded, eyes closed, head shaking with who-knows-what memories of childhood. He knew, and he proceeded to share said memories with his audience.
"I was a pretty messed-up kid back then; I guess I still am, but I hope I'm a bit farther on the road to normalcy now than I was then. I have good parents, mind you. There was never any doubt that they loved me, and they still do. They also want the best for me, and I got that loud & clear too. They've raised me right, with one exception: they never really disciplined me. Basically, they pretty much let me do what I want. It's a good thing I'm the compliant type or things would have gotten very ugly. They were raised on Schlock and in turn they raised me on Lip-sht, excuse my language but that's just what I think about him. Which means that any form of physical correction was out of the question. Maybe some kids don't need that, but I did, and I didn't get it. The only reason I didn't become a hell-raiser before preschool was I had been impressed with the evil legacy of our family and how important it was for us to redeem it, to make up for the wrongs our ancestors had done. Plus I've always wanted to please my parents.
"Anyway, skip ahead to the first day of preschool. There I was, a three-year-old who'd never been subjected to anything approaching hardship, just looking for someone to say 'no' to me. Compounding the problem, I was, as I am now, shy to the extreme. Plus, I was three."
"So you were three; what does that have to do with anything?" Phoebe asked.
Brainy turned around on the bench to face them. "What? Oh. Well, I guess I wouldn't know myself if Dr. Bliss hadn't clued me in. But you should already know, Phoebe." Now it was Brainy's turn to be puzzled as he gazed on her. "I know that you know about Freud and all that."
"Oh. You were in that stage." Phoebe said simply.
Brainy nodded. "I was getting there, at least."
"Excuse me?" Lila interposed. "Could someone explain to me what you're talking about?"
"You tell her, Phoebe."
"All right. You see, Lila, according to Freud, at about the age of three one enters the stage of development which includes the Oedipus complex, or if you're a girl the Electra complex."
"That's right, and it was the case with me, apparently." Brainy interrupted. "Any day then I was supposed to start getting unnaturally attached to my mother. Preschool, however, changed the plan."
"That was when you fell in love with Helga?" Lila asked.
"Exactly. There I was, just trying to stay out of the way, trying to hide basically. I had a pretty good view of the front doors over there," he gestured to his right, "and I was just watching who was coming in. There was nothing that really impressed me --- no offense, Phoebe, since that included you."
"None taken."
"Then I saw her, the most miserable person I'd ever seen. It was raining and she looked like she'd walked all the way from her house in the rain. As I later found out, she had. Mud-splattered, no lunch, just basically like she didn't have a friend in the world. Then a green Packard pulled up behind her, and a little boy came out of it. A football-headed kid, with a little blue hat and a blue umbrella, which he shared with her."
"Arnold." Phoebe guessed.
"Arnold. As soon as she noticed it wasn't raining on her anymore and that he was there, he said something nice to her --- I couldn't hear it from inside, but I later found out that he said he liked her bow and that explains a lot --- and came inside. She just looked at him, her arms up on the glass, and then she smiled, the most glorious smile I'd ever seen. It was the most beautiful sight, she, was the most beautiful sight, in all her muddy bedraggled glory. How could I not love her on sight."
Brainy's tale of woe was having its effect as by now Lila was in tears, for at least the third time that day. Phoebe was holding up somewhat better. But Brainy wasn't finished yet.
"I haven't told you about when we --- Helga and I --- passed the point of no return. It was snack time. Helga had been trying to make herself attractive to Arnold, trying to get him to notice her. Of course we know that he was the first who had really shown her kindness and she then psychologically latched on to him. She was at that stage too, and I guess she was about to enter the Electra Complex – an attachment to Big Bob Pataki, of all people." Brainy shook his head with disgust, or revulsion, or compassion, or something. "She was concentrating on him so much she didn't notice Harold stealing her crackers until they were practically in his mouth. Laughed as he did it too. He was a bully even then. Brought her to tears. Why some people like to do that is still a mystery to me.
"Of course, Arnold being Arnold, he gave her his crackers. He was so nice about it, smiled at her and everything, which I admit goes without saying. And she was smitten anew.
"Then it happened; other kids noticed and started to laugh at her. Of course Harold took the lead on that, but he wasn't the only one. Rhonda, Sid, Stinky, they were all laughing at her. I could see the conflict she was going through, she really wanted to be nice. Especially with Arnold looking at her, like he was saying 'what are you going to do about this?'
"But it was too much for her. Her weakness is being laughed at; she can't stand it. As much as she wanted to be good, as much as she wanted to impress Arnold with nice-ness like he'd impressed her, the laughter got to her. She snapped. She jumped on top of Harold, and the bully was born. Ol' Betsy, the Five Avengers, and all. It was heartbreaking to see that, and yet, I found it irresistibly alluring.
"Later, during arts & crafts or whatever, she was going around establishing her authority. She was the boss. Then she saw Arnold again, and she looked for a place where she could be alone. As soon as she found that place I followed her there; I had to tell her how I felt. I came upon her; she was talking to a locket of Arnold, how she got it I don't know. She was saying, 'I love you Arnold and I wanna marry you'. I was so excited, her being so close and in a romantic mood. But then my asthma went into overdrive; I started to wheeze uncontrollably. Of course she heard me. And of course she hit me. That fist in my face sealed my fate; from then on no one was as infatuated as I was, not even her.
"Since then, I've repeated the process as often as I could. She shouts at him or whatever, she goes looking for a place to be alone, she pours out her heart to him in absentia, I come up behind her wanting to do the same, the wheezing, the fist, repeat the next day. Or later that same day. It got to where if she didn't pound me I'd have to do it to myself or I'd get the shakes, the sweats, hyperventilation, convulsions if I let it go that far. I guess I've become a masochist. But on rare occasion she'd touch my face, just a little pat; that was a gift from Heaven.
"Two, three years ago, right after she started going to Dr. Bliss, she stopped hitting me; I've been going through hell ever since. Oh, I'd hit myself, but it wasn't the same. It wasn't until I started seeing Dr. Bliss that I figured out what was going on.
"It seems that at the time that I should have been developing feelings for the dominant female in my life, my mother, Helga became the dominant female in my life. And I took the punishment she dished out in place of what I wasn't getting at home. I welcomed it, I wanted more of it. So by now I'm messed up, only now I know what's going on and I'm trying to do something about it.
"Like I already told you, maybe when I get Helga together with Arnold, I'll be better able to get over my obsession with her and hopefully move on with my life."
And with this, Brainy's mouth snapped shut. It became obvious that he was finished. At least since Arnold came into the story, the audience of two had been spellbound. But again Phoebe was thinking, and again she voiced objections.
"Brainy, I'm impressed. All of those two dollar words and concepts, as Stinky would call them."
"All right, so I'm gifted. You think I want to be sent to an advanced school, or even skipped ahead a grade or two like you were?"
That hit home with Phoebe. "Point taken. But how is it that you remember events from when you were three with such clarity? Don't tell me you have a photographic memory too."
"All right, I won't tell you."
"Really? You have a photographic memory?"
"You told me not to tell. But it shouldn't be such a surprise; people can have excellent recall of what's important to them, and I think I've established how important Helga is to me."
There was nothing more to be said. At least, not until Brainy looked at his watch.
"Oops, you two had better get going. If you start now you should reach Gerald Field in time for practice. Don't want to give Helga another reason to be upset."
Phoebe turned to go, but Lila held back for a minute. "What about you?"
"We geeks are on the bench; our presence is not necessary at practices."
"What are you going to do then?"
"Try to bury some ghosts from my past. It was here my love for Helga was born, and it's here it must die. As someone said, 'Do as I bid thee, go.'"
With that, Brainy turned his back on Lila. Things were starting to get to him, and he didn't want her to see him upset.
But Lila stayed for one more attempt. "Brainy..."
"Don't you have a ball game to get to?" was all that came from him.
Lila gave up then; she turned, and ran to catch up to Phoebe.
Brainy, true to his word, stayed for a while. He walked from the bench to the carousel, and then back. He then reached into a pocket and pulled out a straw and a sheet of paper. He tore the paper, and in due course of time it was reduced to so many spit-balls. Then Brainy used the spit-balls as he'd seen Helga do, how many times, hundreds, thousands? From appearances, he was engaged in spit-ball target practice, aiming between the bars in the fence. Satisfied, he returned the straw to his pocket.
He then walked to the carousel again, and fell onto it. He was weeping now at what he could never have, at what he had to do. He closed his eyes, and again he was Paris. He recited more lines with which he was intimately acquainted.
"Sweet flower, with flowers thy bridal bed I strew---
O woe, thy canopy is dust and stones!---
Which with sweet water nightly I will dew,
Or wanting that, with tears distill'd by moans.
The obsequies that I for thee will keep
Nightly shall be to strew thy grave and weep."
"O, I am slain! If thou be merciful,
Open the tomb, lay me with Juliet."
And again the tears came.
Folks, I have to leave a half hour ago so I'll keep this short. Please review. Next chapter I will get back to Arnold & Helga and in succeeding chapters things that don't seem to make sense here will. Cy'all.