Fly True

Zoe couldn't sleep.

She knew the reason, of course—after sleeping beside someone for three years, she'd gotten used to his presence. His breathing, his occasional sleep talking, his arms around her when she woke up from a nightmare.

She's been having nightmares about his death, and then when she wakes up, it's true.

After two hours lying in a bed that, after a month, still smelled like Wash, Zoe gave up. She left her bunk—her bunk, not theirs, and wuh de tyen ah this was never going to get easier—and headed for the bridge. The bridge was safe. The bridge was Wash. Or maybe it was the other way around—some people on Serenity had a way of attaching themselves to a part of the ship. Wash had died here; it would only make sense that he'd become a part of it.

A month ago, Zoe would've smiled at her own thoughts. She sounded like River. Now, she just shook her head and dropped into the pilot's chair.

It wasn't Wash's chair. That one had been run through, and completely blood soaked. Zoe couldn't think of a logical reason to keep it. It still hurt like hell when Mal and Jayne threw it out during the repairs.

Zoe pulled her knees to her chest, rocking slightly. Wash had always said she was the strongest person he knew. What he never knew, what she never told him, was that she was strong because she had him. During the war, she'd been strong because it was necessary to survive. Don't think, just fight, just breathe, just live. That was strength on the battlefield. It applied in this new life, sometimes. But the strength she had after the war, once she had Wash, was completely different. This strength came from hope. She had a man who loved her, and the promise of a future with him. A future where she wouldn't have nightmares every night or think of the war every day. A future with brown-haired, blue-eyed children who had their father's laugh and easy smile.

Now she had nothing.

"Scared."

River's voice made Zoe jump. The girl was standing beside the second console, staring intently at her.

"You're scared of being shadows again," she continued. "He was your opposite, your other half. Light and dark, white and black, male and female… equal and opposite reaction." She paused. "Basic mathematics: one half plus one half equals one whole."

Zoe closed her eyes to keep the tears from falling. She desperately wanted River to go away. The girl could read minds; she'd get the message.

"He showed you how to laugh again, after all the screaming." River wasn't feeling merciful tonight, apparently. "And now the light and laughter is gone, and you're scared of being shadows again."

"Will I be?" Zoe whispered. "Is that all I've got left?"

River smiled. "Can't read the future," she singsonged. "Can guess or conjecture based on past knowledge and data. But I can't be sure." She paused, then walked over to the pilot's console. "You've got some light," she told Zoe, picking up a plastic triceratops and poking Zoe in the arm with it. Zoe took the toy from River's hand, turning it over in her own.

"I need him," Zoe whispered. "Lao tyen, I need him…"

River frowned and rocked back on her heels. "Shadows," she said, almost accusingly. "Too much water, too much dark, floods the eyes and blocks out the light. Then you'll be blind." Zoe gasped as River threw her arms around her.

"Just cry and get it over with," River whispered fiercely. "I won't tell."

Zoe blinked in shock. She leaned forward, carefully set Wash's dinosaur on the console, and sobbed.

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"I'm sorry," Zoe choked out nearly an hour later. She and River were sitting on the floor, almost under the console. River had her thin arms wrapped around Zoe's shoulders.

"Not sorry for being sad," she replied, then moved one arm from Zoe's shoulders and patted the steel floor. "We miss him, too," she said, smiling at Zoe through tears of her own. "Liked the stories he made up for his dinosaurs."

Zoe wanted to start crying again, but she was too tired. "Come on," she said. "We should head back to our beds."

River nodded and gracefully stood, then helped Zoe to her feet. "Thank Simon," she said suddenly. At Zoe's perplexed look, she smiled. "He showed me how to fix people."

Zoe stopped outside her door. "I don't know if you can fix me," she said quietly. River shook her head. "Simon couldn't fix me either… but he helped." She twirled around. "I can help too. Earn my keep." With that, she walked off towards the passenger dorms.

That night, Zoe dreamed about stars, and didn't wake up screaming.