A Christmas Carol with a Trekkish Twist

Part One

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters in this story, nor do I own A Christmas Carol. I just like playing with them… ;-)

It started out as an ordinary day onboard the U.S.S. Enterprise. And by ordinary, we mean 'boring'. True, it WAS the day before Christmas, and the bridge crew had previously been engaged in using simulated ornaments to decorate the simulated Christmas tree and sampling some of the simulated holiday treats that the food replicators had been processing. Captain Kirk had even managed to convince his first officer—the ever-logical Mr. Spock—to participate in some of the fun.

But now all of that was done, and everyone was back on duty. Which basically meant that they were boring their brains out on the bridge. Except for Spock and Kirk, that is. Spock was busy calculating something like the ratio of how many oxygen molecules to carbon dioxide molecules were currently floating around the room. And as for Kirk…

…He was too busy being scared to be bored.

Kirk remembered all too well what had happened this time last year. The crew had been bored, just like they were now. But then McCoy, the ship's Chief Medical Officer, had come up with the idea to have the bridge crew put on their own production of The Nutcracker Suite. And, as everyone on the ship knew, THAT had turned out to be about as good an idea as the one Scotty had had about the tribbles. And the worst part was that Scotty had actually recorded that Christmas disaster and had managed to sell several disks to the crew before being caught by Kirk. Scotty had spent the next few weeks sending death threats to Kirk for taking away his precious engineering manuals.

"You asked for it," Kirk had replied to each and every one.

So now, here they were again, bored on the bridge on the day before Christmas. Sulu and Chekov were at their consoles, Uhura and Spock were at their separate stations, and McCoy was standing to the left of Kirk's chair. And Kirk knew it was only a matter of time before McCoy came up with another idea.

Sure enough, no more than five minutes later…

"Hey, now here's a fun thought," Bones began in a slow and deliberate tone. "Remember last year when we put on that Christmas play for the rest of the crew?"

"Unfortunately," grumbled Kirk.

"Sure do!" Uhura replied in a much more enthusiastic voice. "That was the most fun I had had all year—except when I got pushed out of the chair, that is."

"Well, I was just thinking," the good doctor continued, "maybe we could do something like that again this year. The crew really seemed to enjoy it, and I know I had a great time… what do you think, Jim?"

Kirk glared at McCoy. He knew he was being teased about what had happened in last year's play, and he didn't like it.

"Go ahead, then," Kirk said. "Good luck, break a leg, and all that other stuff. Just don't expect ME to have any part of it!"

Everyone on the bridge (excepting Spock) turned to groan and protest, trying to get their Captain into the holiday spirit. But Kirk would have none of it and merely stomped off to his quarters, leaving Spock in charge of the comm.

About fifteen Earth minutes later, Kirk was pacing around his room, trying to convince himself that he was safe. He was the Captain, after all—when he said things, people listened to them!

No more than ten minutes after he first had this thought, Kirk realized that someone was outside the doors to his quarters, waiting for permission to enter. Kirk granted permission, but was instantly suspicious when a very nervous Ensign Chekov entered the room.

"Good day, Ensign," Kirk greeted, somewhat brusquely. "How's your, um… play coming along?"

"Wery good, sair," Chekov replied. "Ve have decided to do a new wersion of an old Russian favorite."

Why doesn't this surprise me?

"Alright, what is it?" asked Kirk.

"A Christmas Carol, sair."

Kirk blinked, but promptly decided that it was no use correcting the navigator. He had already made up his mind that everything of use had been invented in his native Russia, even if it had actually been discovered on a completely different planet ten quadrillion light years away that had never even HEARD of Russia.

"Well, good luck, then," Kirk said dismissively, hoping it would end the conversation.

It didn't.

"Vell, sair, um… ve are having a little problem vith… casting."

"What kind of a… little problem?"

Chekov cleared his throat a bit, took a deep breath, and then explained, "Vell, sair, ve have Lt. Uhura as the Ghost of Christmas Past, Mr. Scott as the Ghost of Christmas Present, and Dr. McCoy as the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come."

"Sounds like a good cast so far. What's the problem?"

Taking another breath, Chekov went on:

"And Sulu is playing Bob Cratchit, Nurse Chapel is playing Mrs. Cratchit, and I am playing Tiny Tim Cratchit."

"Still sounds good. So what's the problem?"

Ignoring Kirk once again, Chekov plowed on:

"And Lt. Riley is to be—"

"Chekov," Kirk ground out, "what is the problem?"

Sighing a little, the young ensign finally blurted out, "Ve don't have anyvon to play Mr. Scrooge!"

It took Kirk only a few milliseconds to figure out what Chekov was saying.

"Oh, no, you don't! No, no, no, no, NO!" the Captain ranted. "I absolutely REFUSE!"

"But sair—"

"NO! Don't you understand English!" Kirk screamed, sounding desperate. "No! Nyet! Absolutely NEVER! And you can QUOTE me on that, TOO! Is that understood, Ensign!"

Chekov just nodded, looking a little hurt and a lot stunned, and strode out of the room with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Me as Scrooge—ha! The nerve of some people!" Kirk grumbled. Then he let out a yawn and decided it was about time for him to go to bed. If he was lucky, the crew would have forgotten about their planned Christmas play by morning.

Kirk's head had just hit the pillow when a loud boom filled the room, prompting the startled Captain to sit up in his bed. It had sounded like thunder, but since there is no thunder in deep space, Kirk knew there was something amiss.

Suddenly, a brilliant light was shone in Kirk's eyes, and he was forced to cover them to protect himself from being blinded for life. But, trying to act like the brave Captain he was, he eventually opened them just a crack.

He was not prepared for what he saw.

"Mom!" he cried, startled. "Wha—what are you doing here!"

"Jimmy!" Mrs. Kirk exclaimed jovially. She threw herself at Kirk, flinging her arms around his neck and planting wet Mom-kisses all over his face.

"Mom… Mom…" Kirk mumbled, confused (and very, very embarrassed).

"Oh, I'm so happy to see you!" she continued.

That was when another crack of thunder was heard. The silver-haired woman swiftly straightened up, smoothed her flowing white dress, put a stern expression on her wrinkled face, and said in a strict tone, "I am here to help you, Jimmy."

"Help me? To do what?"

"To quit acting like a jerk, that's what! The way you're acting, you're starting to give the family a bad name."

"I am?" asked Kirk, shock evident in his tone. "But what about all those planets I saved? Doesn't that count for anything?"

Mrs. Kirk just shook her head sadly.

"How could I have raised such a son?" she sniffled. "Yes, you have saved many planets, but it's your ATTITUDE we are worried about."

"'We'?" Kirk said hesitantly.

"We—me, the Man Upstairs… we…"

Kirk swallowed noisily, trying to hide his growing nervousness. Somehow, this all sounded vaguely familiar, and he had the feeling he wasn't going to like how it ended up.

Kirk's mother held out a glowing hand and instructed her son to take it. Hesitantly, Kirk did so. He suddenly felt as if he were using the transporter to beam down to some random planet. How his mother had managed that was beyond all comprehension.

After the transporting sensation ended, Kirk found himself at—well, I think you can guess.

"My old elementary school!" Kirk exclaimed. "I thought they tore it down years ago! Am I glad I was wrong!"

"You weren't wrong; they did tear it down. Right after you graduated. I guess after seeing the way you turned out, they figured it was too much of a risk to keep the school going."

"Hey, are you sure you're my mom? Because you're acting pretty nasty right about now," Kirk put in. He was almost immediately given a slap on the cheek and told never to speak to his mother that way ever again.

"And after all I've done for you!" she added tearfully.

"Yup, you're my mother, alright."

Slowly, the red-faced starship Captain took a look around. They were in the auditorium, and many parents had already filtered into the spacious room. The purplish curtain was wiggling furiously, indicating that there were quite a few children behind it, preparing for whatever they were about to do.

"What's going on here?" Kirk asked after a few minutes of nothing much happening. "And did that kid just throw a lollipop through your arm?"

"And I thought you read that book back in high school for English class!" Mrs. Kirk sighed, sounding even more disappointed than before. "Don't you remember? 'These are but shadows of the things that have been. They have no consciousness of us.' And I am the Ghost of Christmas Past! Ghost as in non-existent!"

"Okay. I know I've heard that one somewhere before. Some of it, anyway."

Before they could continue with the conversation, a stern-looking gentleman with silver hair appeared on the stage as if by magic.

"There's Principal Smiler!" Kirk exclaimed. "Boy, was he ever the grouch. All the kids hated him and used to replace his coffee with black paint. Are we to help him, too?"

"No. He's been dead for years. He's beyond help," Mrs. Kirk responded impatiently. "Now watch quietly or I'll send you to bed without your supper."

The Captain tried not to sigh, but obeyed his mother nonetheless.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to our third annual Christmas play," the non-smiling Smiler greeted. "The children have worked very hard for the past month to bring this play to you, and I'm sure you will enjoy their version of A Christmas Carol."

Kirk paled considerably as he remembered two things—one: what the bridge crew was planning for the holiday season, and two: who had been chosen to play the lead in the play that year.

Even as the audience clapped, Kirk whispered, "Uh, Mom? Is this really, really necessary? I mean, couldn't we just visit some other Christmas play?"

"No. Now watch before I tell your father what a naughty boy you're being!"

Kirk knew that he was a little too old for the kinds of punishments his mother was intimidating him with, but after years of instantly snapping to attention at those kinds of threats, he decided it would be in his best interest to listen to her.

Slowly, the curtain parted. A crudely-made little desk sat in the center of the stage with even cruder scenery behind it. And there at the desk sat a little boy of about ten in a gray wig and 19th Century-style clothing. I don't think you really need all three guesses to figure out who it was.

"Oh, you looked so cute as Scrooge!" Kirk's mother cooed.

"I looked ridiculous," Captain Kirk disagreed.

"Oh, shh, shh! Here comes you first line!"

Kirk rolled his eyes, but watched as another kid dressed as Scrooge's nephew strode onto the stage and cried out, "A Merry Christmas, Uncle! God save you!"

Then, much to Kirk's embarrassment, the little Kirk replied with a high-pitched, "Bah, humbug!"

"You were so cute back then!" Mrs. Kirk commented happily. Kirk sighed, tried not to look embarrassed, and continued to watch the play without much interest.

"Christmas a humbug, Uncle!" the other kid continued. "You don't mean that, I am sure."

And so it went for the next hour or so, until they finally came to an intermission. Kirk could have collapsed with relief. Watching his ten-year-old self was more humiliating than he ever could have imagined. At least now he'd have a good fifteen minutes to think of a way to escape.

But much to his utter horror, his mother waved her hand over the entire scene. Not only was the intermission over in an instant, but they were now at the part of the play where Scrooge approaches his headstone. Kirk, having had enough of being humiliated, attempted to slink out the door.

"James Tiberius!" snapped his mother.

With another gulp, Kirk hastily slinked back and hung his head shamefully as he apologized. Then he turned back to the unfolding scene before them…

"Before I draw nearer to that stone to which you point," little Kirk said, "answer me one question. Are these the shadows of the things that will be, or are they shadows of the things that may be only?"

The kid in the cloak—who was playing the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come—simply pointed at a nearby headstone. It was obviously a fake one, but little Kirk approached it with as much trepidation and fear as if it was real.

"I was so good, wasn't I?" Kirk couldn't help but say proudly.

"Just watch, Jimmy."

Kirk turned back to the stage, where little Kirk was just about to wipe the snow from the headstone. But as the small boy knelt, the fake stone wobbled and fell over backwards with a loud thunk. Several people in the audience snickered, and little Kirk turned slightly red as big Kirk turned VERY red.

The little Kirk on the stage hurriedly tried to set the stone right, but only ended up making things worse. Eventually, he jerked in such a way that his wig fell off. The audience laughed a little more. Little Kirk tried to run off the stage but ended up crashing into the other kid. Both went down, and the other kid promptly decided to use his costume to bean little Kirk over the head for ruining the play.

The entire audience was roaring with laughter by this time, but all poor little Kirk could do was cry… sorry, that was a mistake. Little Kirk was too busy trying to avoid the blows to cry; it was big Kirk who was doing the crying.

"That was the most humiliating day of my life. Was this really necessary?" he said with a little sniffle. "Was it absolutely mandatory to humiliate me like this?"

"Yes."

"I was afraid you'd say that."

"I'm sorry, Jimmy. Really," Mrs. Kirk said sincerely. "But I had to do this. It helped you to understand why you didn't want to be in your crew's play—AND why were so nasty to poor Pasha earlier! All he wanted to do was get you into the spirit!"

"Poor who?"

"Chekov."

"Oh… he wouldn't have anything to do with sending you here to embarrass me, would he?"

"That, I cannot say," replied Kirk's mother. "That, you must learn from the next Ghost."

"NEXT Ghost? Who this time—Dad?"

"No. He was too busy dealing with somebody else."

"Too busy for me? Impossible!"

Mrs. Kirk sighed.

"Hopefully, you'll learn more from the next Ghost than you seem to have learned from me. G'bye, Jimmy! And don't forget to eat ALL of your vegetables!"

"No! No, take me back to my ship!" Kirk exclaimed. "I don't want to see any more! Please! Mommy!"

But she had already vanished, and Kirk suddenly found himself all alone in his quarters onboard the Enterprise.

Kirk blinked and glanced around a bit, making sure that it really was his room. Upon finding nothing out of the ordinary, he decided that he had just been having a bad dream. Then he tried to go back to sleep.

But the second his head hit the pillow, someone happened to tap him on the shoulder. Kirk groaned and pulled the covers over his head, muttering something like, "Oh, go away."

Unfortunately for him, the certain somebody took that opportunity to yank the blankets off the bed and dump them unceremoniously onto the floor. Kirk shivered and felt around for the blankets. When he couldn't find them he had no choice but to sit up and gaze into the eyes of his second visitor.

If he was shocked at seeing his mother, imagine his surprise when he saw…

Me: Okay, so it's not my best work. Gimme a break, here! I only had three days!

Dick: Not if you had started EARLIER, you procrastinator!

Me: Hey, what are you doing here? There aren't any reviews to reply to...

Dick: I figured doing something nice for you would make you feel like doing something nice for me. Hint, hint.

Me: ANYWAY, just wait'll the next part comes up! LOL. XD If you thought Mrs. Kirk was bad, wait'll you see the next two... muahaha... stay tuned, Trekkies! Same Trek-time, same Trek-website!

Dick: (glower)

Me: Alright, I take it back. Now please be nice and review! Happy Holidays!