Hello, everyone.

Well, the eternal procrastinator finally returns. Contrary to what I'd said in my e-mail, it's actually been 19 months since my last effort in this area. There's no one to blame for that but myself. I hope y'all can forgive me for keeping y'all waiting so long; I hope there's someone still here, still willing to read what I write, still willing to give me another chance.

Believe me I've disappointed no one more than myself; I just noticed the file name this has on my computer and remembered I've been working on this particular incarnation since June 9! You got my e-mail, you know some of the problems I've been having; factor in having to wipe and start over again on this machine, and, well… But like I said, skin of a reason stuffed with a lie. I owe it to myself – not to mention all of you – to get this out there and hope it's up to my previous stuff.

I can safely say that this is the most difficult literary effort on which I have ever labored, and that includes back when I had a creative writing mental block in grade school. The movie in the middle is the crux of the whole thing, and the portion on which I have sweated the most. As y'all know, I want everything I put out to be perfect, and it just wasn't happening. I'm still not satisfied with what I finally put down there, but enough is enough. It's Christmas, and I owe y'all.

Now, as to the reviews:

purplepincushion: Heh, I really hadn't thought about the ice cream connection would you believe? Oh, and you're welcome you're welcome you're welcome.

BrianaLFBH: Considering the circumstances you laid out, I appreciate your impatience. We'll see if Lila's prayers work. What is happening with Arnold & Helga? Well, what do we want to happen with them? Things have already been set into motion, courtesy of Brainy & co. among others. And according to what I have in mind, Lila won't find out. That heart will just fade away into their collective mental oblivions; It's better that way. Although… hmm, well, now that I think of it I might do something with that in the future, but I'm not making any promises. Certainly not in this story, but in a future one, we'll see. As to the side stories, well, everyone's lives happen at the same time. I'm focusing on a core group, but there are many others who are there, and their stories deserve to be at least looked at. I won't give a lot of gratuitous exposition, but they do have their own lives, and where I deem it necessary, they will be at least glimpsed. I see what happens far in the future with them as well, and I won't sell them short.

beady: I especially won't blame you if you ignore this, but I do hope you won't. You're hard on me and you're passionate about what you like. I kind of need some of that. There are certain reviews I'm glad I have staring me in the face when I write, and yours is one of them. And I'll try to watch it on the tenses.

Helga243: Thank you.

The Review Guy: I appreciate the information about Earthbound, Cycle, and that Calvin story. Maybe one of these years I'll have the time, opportunity, and motivation to look them up.

Paradoxal Reality: Yeah, I do love the oldies; I love lots of styles of music, but I won't get into that here. As I said, hard as it is to believe, the Ice Cream connection was not on my mind when I had them go to Slausen's. I can say that Helga will notice Phoebe's association with her current colleagues, and there will be a plot twist out of it. I enjoyed the baseball conversation, although since that particular season – the 2002 season, remember – is now two years old, I'll have to dig in the archives to make sure I have the right info. No problem; the library is close at hand. That will figure into the plot, as y'all will see. And I LOVE putting episode references into my writings, the more the better. Well, the more the better up to a point, as you said, as long as they're not too distracting. I admire your insight into Lila's chest of books and its connection to her past. It's no secret that I am sympathetic to Lila; ever since I saw the episode that introduced her and had cause to wonder where her mother is, why she and her Dad moved there from Pleasantville, that farming community. And considering how depressed her father seemed to be in that episode, the 'cheerful perfect girl' mask does indeed fit rather well. It's no wonder she got paired with Olga in that BSLS program, which offers all the more proof as to the absence of her mother. Segueing into Olga, yes, she is a perfectionist. I too am a perfectionist, and I have some idea to what she's going through. Hey, if one B grade can drive her to crawl inside Mozart's 'Requiem' and not want to come out – and anyone who's seen Amadeus knows the circumstances of that little piece of music – you can imagine what she's going through here. She is standing at the lip of the abyss, staring down into the yawning chasm, with no way out. And still she forces herself to step out. I have her loving her sister that much, with a timely assist from Lila. There are those who disagree, which is fine with me. The Lila- and Olga-haters have as much right to their opinion as I do to mine. It has become fashionable to sympathize with the un-sympathetic characters; I guess I'm ahead of the curve in that I sympathize with characters no one else will, like Lila and Olga. There's still hope for Big Bob in my opinion, as we will see.I appreciate your compliments on timing and pacing. I also appreciate irony, very much so. And thanks for your advice on Word and such. I'm typing in it now.

Storyteller E: Yes, finally. Hmm, why do I get the feeling you're a Trigun fan.

savagemind: Ooh, the happy dance. I continued to be overwhelmed at the positive attention this story gets and can only hope that it continues, that I have it in me to continue the high standards I've set. The baseball stuff will come up again – indeed, it will form a plot point – but it's not vital for you to understand it. Hey, I don't understand cricket, and I have tried to. All you need to keep in mind is what is in the record books, that the Angels did win the World Series in 2002, so you know that so will Arnold. As to leaving y'all hanging, what can I say but what I have said before.

The Review Guy: Whoa, you reviewed twice? Wow. Another fic for me do look at, sometime down the road. I'll get to it, I will; I'm just not sure when. Let's see, The Um Really Good Fic, go it.

WAYAMY27NARF: I appreciate your prayers. Like I said I haven't come to a decision about the writing, and I thought that it was a non-issue. Y'all continue to bring more out of me. As to the confrontation, well, read on. And Brainy's plan, well, I am the resident cockeyed optimist, if that tells you anything. Surprises? Well, I do try. It's almost the end of summer for them, the summer of 2002. The novel, I don't know; my passion is in reference books but I do have some ideas. I don't care how many lick it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop; I just stick it in my mouth and pull the stick out at the earliest opportunity. I think that Ruben won that season of American Idol, and so much time has passed that there has been another season, won by Fantasia. Hey, I'm not into reality TV but – being a musician – I do try to keep up with the music industry. The season finale of Frasier? You'd know more about that than I would; I do know that Niles & Daphne's baby was had in the finale, and Martin got married, and I'm not sure after that. Did he get back with Lilith, I wonder. Well, I'm not really into that either, though I am glad that Ross & Rachel got back together; wonder how long it'll last this time. And I'm always glad to make the acquaintance of another Animaniacs fan. I invite you to check out toonzone; it's at . For that matter, that goes for all of you. I do appreciate your advice on Word, Notepad, and all. And you use our spelling of 'okkay'. And you're a Weird Al fan, too; better and better. I like this girl.

Storyteller: Your in-depth review I have also enjoyed. I doregret this taking so long, and would not blame you if you've stopped believing in me this time. As I've said before, Brainy is one of my favorite characters, one who fascinates me. IMO there were little hints dropped throughout the series, and I decided to pick up on them. It's no secret that CB voiced him and kind of based him on himself. His luck will change, eventually. It's kind of a dream of mine that one day he might happen across this. I'm not losing any sleep over that, though. He was kind enough to comment o my Episode Notes thread at the message boards, though; we'll see. I will be the first to say, though, that getting these chapters in so late does not do me any favors. As to Helga & Arnold, oh yeah, they will have some screen time coming up here. Otherwise, why even write this thing, right? And I wonder if here's another Trigun fan. Well, hasta I see you. Your fics? I will try.

Sleather Chonkers: Don't feel guilty. I am the last person who has a right to be upset with someone taking a long time to do anything. I have left you hanging, waiting for those lightning bolts to strike. Well, here they do. You're right about the lesser-known characters. I'm not the only one to do this – Yardbird 9's series of fics and chief's Robert series come to mind. Nadine and Park also have their fans, well, I guess everyone in the show does. Recently I came across a fic centering on Chocolate Boy and the Campfire Lass. I like what I've been seeing. Now, your point on Brainy's amorality is well taken. Keep in mind, though, that his family has a history of being on the other side of the law. He comes from a long line of crooks, and he is very aware of that. He goes into this in , I forget the chapter number, but the title is Confessions of Edward Moore Elkins V. His quest is quixotic, and he admits it. I cannot say that Lila will not have any effect on him, which to those who have some idea of where I'm going with this pretty much goes without saying. He's coming to a crisis, and he's not the only one. You know the old saying: strap yourselves in, it's going to be a bumpy ride. And don't worry about your long reviews; I enjoy them, and my responses are commensurate.

Stoned Carson: Yeah, a cliffhanger; I'm afraid I'm bad with those. You're right about this site; I know I've had my problems with it. They've pulled all of my Histeria stories! Little tolerance in that category; less than a third of the stories there survived that purge. Makes me wonder what's next. Yeah, I don't like loose ends. Tucker was in one episode, then, poof! An explanation was warranted. So true about Helga and that writing. She is her own worst enemy.

Chien: I continue to be grateful for your highly excellent reviews. The complexity, I guess you could say, was deliberate. Not that I meant to make it confusing, like you said; I just wanted to make the story complete. I didn't want to skip over details, or even over people. In my mind's eye I see them, and I see them having real lives. It can of course be hard to keep all those plates in the air at once, but I guess if you really care about the characters, it's not such a bother. I'm reminded of the woman who had a plethora of plants she raised and, when asked how she managed to keep all their names straight, replied, "You remember the names of all YOUR friends, don't you?" I continue to be glad at the perfection y'all say y'all see here, but I continue to improve it.

blueraven: The writer's block is hopefully a thing of the past. I will finish this story, though not in one chapter. And even then, there will be more stories to be told in the future I see for these kids.

DcWestby: You're right; I should continue this, and I will, and I do. Thanks for saying it's great. I do appreciate it.

WAYAMY27NARF: I am right here; I have always been here. I have not abandoned this project. Hey, you reviewed twice too! Outstanding.
Number6: Hi to you too, and your bad English is negligible; I know I'd do much worse in your language. I appreciate what you're saying. I try to use everyone I can and to treat everyone I can with as much respect as possible. I know this is a cartoon, but to me, these aren't cartoon caricatures; they're real people. I think that was what CB & co. had in mind, and I like to think I'm honoring their legacy. I have said that other cartoons might have heart, but this one has soul. I didn't know about Arnold's E-files; could you direct me to where they are on the web, if they're here? I would appreciate that. 'A work of art'; now, isn't that so nice of you. And you're right; it is a work of love. You bet I'm going to continue it. With reviewers like y'all, why wouldn't I; although I'd go on with it anyway, but these reviews, wow!

All Hey Arnold! Characters and concepts are created by, owned by, and / or copyright Craig Bartlett, Snee-Oosh, and / or Nickelodeon.

Breakfast At Tiffany's was recorded by Deep Blue Something and is copyright to Interscope Entertainment.

I'm pretty sure that Titan Sports / WWE has the copyright on WrestleMania.

Tabasco Sauce is copyright the McIlhenny Plantation, Avoyelles Parish, Louisiana.

The Brandenburg Concertos were by Johann Sebastian Bach.

The Minute Waltz was by Frederic Chopin.

Beethoven should be copyright to himself, although knowing how backers and sponsors and whatnot have always taken advantage of artists, well…

Lady MacBeth was created by William Shakespeare.

The Olympics is copyright the International Olympic Committee.

Homicide, Bayliss, and Pembleton are copyright Barry Levinson / Tom Fontana and NBC (a unit of RCA), and is based on the Edgar award-winning book by David Simon.
Court TV is copyright Coutroom Television Network LLC.

It was late in the day - actually, it was night - as the Patakis minus one assembled in the living room.

"So, um, Olga-" Miriam began in what had become her usual mealy-mouthed way. It was a manner of speaking, in a manner of speaking, with which Olga was familiar and which normally she took in stride; but not tonight.

"Yes, Mummy, I guess you and Daddy are wondering why I've called the two of you here tonight, and why Helga isn't here with us."

"The girl?"

That was a bit much for Olga, and it nearly set her off before her time. "No, Daddy, not 'the girl', not 'little missy' or 'little lady', not Olga - that's MY name, remember? - and not 'baby sister'. She has her own name, and it's Helga. Helga Geraldine Pataki."

"Sheesh, you don't have to bite my head off, Olga! So why ARE we here? My new beeper commercial doesn't debut until tomorrow night."

"There's something I'd like to show the two of you." Here she lifted the tape in her hands to chest level. "You might know that over the years I've taken a drama course or two in college, and you know that I've done a bit of acting in those classes-"

"And you've won, too. Always a winner, just like I've taught you!"

"Mm, yes, we have that lunch drama award around here, um, someplace..." Miriam didn't mean to trail off like that; normally she didn't indulge in her 'smoothies' while Olga was around to occupy her senses. Anyway it didn't matter as Olga was a bit preoccupied with things other than her mother's condition.

"Yes, well, I suppose that it could well be said, then, that one of the things I have been in my long and illustrious collegiate career-" she gritted her teeth to keep the sarcasm down "- is an actress. And of course you know what every actor and actress says they really want to do."

"Direct, I knew it! And you've already made your first movie, haven't you, Olga?" Bob barked, noticing the videotape for the first time.

"Well, sort of. I didn't really do any actual directing; I just saw what was happening, and I pointed the camera at the action and let it roll. It's kind of in the reality genre."

" snort , reality shows, sheesh! Nothing but a fad. Now, sitcoms, there's a format that's got some legs on it! Nothing like a good sitcom in first run syndication to keep the viewers glued to the set through the commercials, and that's the bread & butter for businesses like my beeper empire."

Olga let that slide as best she could. "Yes, well, be that as it may, I've been working on this over the summer and here's the finished project. I probably won't be showing this to anyone else - for reasons I think you'll understand when you see it - but I wanted to show it to the two of you."

"Um, okkay, that sounds like fun."

"Yeah, pop it in. It'll probably be all right, considering YOU made it."

Without another word Olga followed her father's instruction, for possibly the last time, she thought as she prepared the television set for VCR viewing. A couple of stray tears managed to find their way into her eyes, but she blinked them away before turning back toward her parents, a second remote - Big Bob held the primary one of course - in her hand.

She cleared her throat, figuring she might as well give a rating / advisory before starting. "I should mention that this film contains intense emotional content and a little bit of profanity."

"Hey, I'm a big boy, Olga. I can handle it."

Miriam was silent, her eyes riveted to the as-yet blank television screen.

I just might hold you to that , Olga thought. Nothing else to be done, she pointed her remote and pushed PLAY.

The first inkling of the verbal and emotional carnage to come made its appearance a minute later.

"What's that orphan doing with her?"

"He's not necessarily an orphan, Dad. His parents disappeared; you can't prove they're dead."

"Whatever, so what is that Alfred-"

She swung around to face him. "His name is Arnold, and he's been a better friend to her than the three of us put together, even before this summer!" She caught a sign of shock on her mother's face out of the corner of her eye, the first of many to come that night.

Bob wasn't shocked, not yet. "Sheesh, Olga, what's eatin' ya?"

"What's 'eatin' me' is what we've been doing to my sister over the years!"

"What? She's just fine!"

"You'll see; now let's pay attention to what they're saying."

Things got worse from there.

(A/N: We'll never know exactly how that movie went. I know I never shall, and I've been trying to get a clear picture of that for the majority of the time this thing has been in production, if you can call it that. It's the chief reason for the long, long delay. I can get images, snatches of conversation, stuff like that. Of course I can also put in memories and flashbacks and such from the series. Connecting the pieces, however, I'm about ready to give up on as a lost cause. Maybe it will be more dramatic this way, more of a montage. I mean, how can what happened next be adequately described? I've been puzzling over this - among other things - for a year and a half now as you know. I've come up with no way to do it – I haven't even come up with appropriate commentary of A&H for all of the clips yet – so rather than cover the 'movie' and the reactions to same in depth, I'm going to cover parts of the movie, and the memories that what is said triggers in those watching it, and those acting, well, they're not acting but you get my point. It will be stuff from the series, stuff that might be in the collective memories of Helga, Arnold, Olga, Miriam, and Big Bob. Think of it as watching a DVD and switching back & forth between the movie and the extras: you know, commentaries, behind-the-scenes, alternate endings, bloopers, that sort of thing. To keep confusion to a minimum, I'll put the flashbacks in. Here goes nothing; I hope it's good enough for y'all.)

"What about Christmas? Do they show you anything in the way of good feeling then? They must, right? You do get presents from them, at least. Right?"

"Well…"

"Helga! Where have you been all day?"

"Out, Miriam."

"Honey, you look depressed. Why don't you open one of your presents now? … Merry Xmas!"

"Oh, my gosh! Nancy Spumoni signature snow boots! Oh my gosh! My gosh!"

"I stood in line for eighteen hours to get these, Helga, I swear, they must be the last pair in the city."

"Wow. Thanks, Mom. I wanted these more than anything, anything in the whole wide world. I have GOT to try them out!"

"…and when he DOES try to spend time it's only because he's forced to. And then it isn't pretty."

"Dad! What's the matter with you? Are you trying to kill me?!?"

"How'm I supposed to know you don't eat pig's feet?"

"You don't know anything about me, Dad."

"You're a kid; what's there to know?"

"What kind of a moron is he?"

"Oh, her? That's my other daughter. We're bonding, spending quantity time together."

"Quantity time, oh-hohoh, that's funny, hahahah, wheeze !"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to the hardware store, DAD, and I'm not doing any more of your inane errands with you. You think this 'spending quantity time' with someone just means doing what YOU want to do! Why don't you just pull over here and drop me off? Oh, and if anyone asks, we bonded, and it was great."

"C'mon, you love this!"

"I loved it when I was five."

"Well, how old are you now, seven, eight?"

"Nine, DAD!"

"Nine? When the heck did you turn nine?"

"Last year, DOI!..."

"So, what, now you're not ever going to talk to me again?"

"How'm I ever gonna know what's wrong? Don't you pull a 'Miriam' on me, young lady!"

"I would like you to leave me alone now. No more bonding, no more feeble attempts at spending time together. Just. Leave. Me Alone."

boop bip bip boop bip beep bip

"Phoebe. Did you get 'em? -- AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! What a rotten week! First Miriam bails on me because she can't take it, and then my lame Dad forces me to spend the entire day with him so he can pretend that we're bonding, what a joke!..."

"He doesn't try to anything for you? At all?"

"Well…"

Look at her; she looks miserable. I gotta think of something I can do for her. I just need some kind of clue.

"All right, he thought I wanted to go see 'Rats' really bad, so he pulled some strings and got us tickets."

"Well, there you go! Did you enjoy it?"

"We both enjoyed laughing at it."

"Laughing at it? But I thought you said you-"

"I said he THOUGHT I wanted it; the ad was on the back of a WrestleMania poster. THAT was what I WANTED to see."

"So you didn't get anything out of it."

"Oh, we had fun goofing on the people who actually enjoyed it. Yeah, I guess it was fun; we bonded over that."

"Well, that's something."

"Yeah, right."

"Ever hear the song 'Breakfast At Tiffany's'? It was enough for someone to hold out to make his girlfriend reconsider breaking up with him."

"Notice it doesn't say what her response was."

"What about back a couple of Halloweens ago? He seemed all right then. A bit off the deep end with his alien stories, but-"

"Oh, come on! He was as bad as ever."

"How many times is he going to call me 'Olga'? Does he think it's funny or something?"

"But he was crying! I saw him!"

"Helga? Is that you? Is it really you?"

"Hel-LO-oooo!! IT'S BEEN ME THE WHOLE TIME, YOU BIG GOOF!"

"Holy cow! I almost killed my own daughter!! I'm a monster!!!"

"You saw that?"

"Helga, I was there. He and Grandpa carried us back down from Wells Ridge side by side, remember?"

"Wow, Helga, that's quite a spread! All the food groups are well represented."

"Yeah! Can you believe Miriam made it?"

"...I swear, Helga, being at the office makes me feel like a whole new person, you know? In fact, I have decided to go back each & every day."

"Sounds great!"

"Oh, it is, honey, it's just wonderful. I'm telling you, sigh, I haven't been this happy in years."

"Then, I guess I'd better go do my homework and let you get back to it."

" gasp, Wait, Helga, why don't you just do your homework in here with me?"

"Okkay, I'll go get my stuff."

"Okkay!"

"Wow, Helga, that's quite a spread! All the food groups are well represented."

"Yeah! Can you believe Miriam made it?"

"...I swear, Helga, being at the office makes me feel like a whole new person, you know? In fact, I have decided to go back each & every day."

"Sounds great!"

"Oh, it is, honey, it's just wonderful. I'm telling you, sigh, I haven't been this happy in years."

"Then, I guess I'd better go do my homework and let you get back to it."

" gasp, Wait, Helga, why don't you just do your homework in here with me?"

"Okkay, I'll go get my stuff."

"Okkay!"

"Mom?"

"Helga! uh What on earth are you doing here?"

"I need you for a minute, I, I mean I need to talk to you."

"You 'need me for a minute, Mom'. Well, list-, I am sorry but th-, pant, this is just not a good time, I mean we're going to be back on in five minutes, and THEY need me so, whatever it is, it's just, going to have to wait until later, okkay? so, inhale, go on, bye-bye, go do your little homework or something..."

"Helga, sweetie?"

"Mom? What are YOU doing here?"

"But, what about your commercial? Don't they need you?"

"It's not important."

"I-, it's not?"

"No Helga, in fact, the only thing that IS important to me, honey, is you."

"Really?"

"Yes, Helga. I realize I've been so preoccupied at work that I haven't had time for YOU and so, I've decided to quit and come back home."

" sigh, Mom, you LOVE work, you, you love, being in charge and independent. You can't just give all that up just like that!"

"Oh, yes I can, little lady, and do you know why? Because I've got the rest of my life to go back to work, I mean, I can be in charge and independent any old time, but I've only got right now to be a better Mom, and that's what I am going to do. After all, you won't be eight forever, you know."

"I'm nine, Mom."

"You're nine?!? Well, see, well, that's exactly my point. So what do you say, dear? Can we go home and give it another shot?"

"…or she's just in a stupor."

"What kind of stupor?"

"The kind a person inflicts on themselves."

"I don't understand."

"She likes 'smoothies', Arnold. She makes them all the time; she's kind of emotionally attached to her blender."

"So she likes to make her own fruit drinks."

"Arnold, one of the ingredients is Tabasco sauce."

"Oh." pause "Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'. And it gets her in trouble sometimes."

"You mean she…?"

"While she's driving? It's happened…"

"Here's your Big Slurp, kid. Oh, and Miriam, I got you some of those little chocolate donuts."

"What, what's- what's happening?"

"You gotta eat something. Remember? You're starting your community service job down at the animal shelter today."

"Oh, B, I'm just, I, ah, exhale, I'm not good in the morning."

"Come on, the fresh air will do you good."

"What about that Thanksgiving? Things seemed all right."

"Yeah? Well, just, you just, listen here, mister! I want to speak to the captain! My little girl is missing and I want the whole police squad to go out, and look for her!!"

"I'm taking the Hummer, Miriam, and I'm not coming back till I've found Helga!"

"I finished the flyers. I only hope I'm not too late, whine!!!"

"Great, great, these are great. Get these plastered up on every telephone pole in the city!"

"What's going on?"

"Helga?!?!?"

"Ah! You're safe! It's a miracle!"

"We were, we were worried sick about you, girl!"

"You saw that?"

"Well, I kind of hung back for a minute. It looked like they were glad to see you."

"Yeah, well, they thought I was missing – I wonder when they noticed that – and you know my family, always overreacting."

"This time, though, it was a good thing, right? You knew that they cared about you."

"Well, the main thing is you're, safe and sound and, since it's Thanksgiving I, I guess this is as good a time as any, to say that, we're thankful for you bein' our daughter and, bein' around the house."

"Yes, we're very thankful, honey."

"You? Go to the meeting? That has got to be the stupidest idea I have ever heard!"

"The girl is right, Miriam, I mean, these guys are heavy hitters, they're sharks! They'd eat you alive."

"Now listen you two, I think that you ought to give me, a little more credit because, because I, I can do this. I can 'take' a meeting as good as the next guy."

"Forget it..."

"...then I guess Jim and Hank signed the papers and tripled their order of beepers. Wasn't that sweet of them?"

"Tripled their order?!? You didn't lower the price, did you?"

" snort, Course not, B. I just explained to them the benefit of buying in bulk."

"Wow, Mom, that's, that's incredible!"

"I know! And it's not even the best part!"

"It's not?"

"Uh-uh. The guys decided to stay in town an extra day to look at our selection of cell phones. I'm meeting them at the store tomorrow."

"That's great, Mom!"

"…but you already know about that. You did comment on her getting her license back once."

"Bye! Thanks for the ride!"

"Hey Helga, was that your mom?"

"As a matter of fact, Arnoldo, it was."

"When did she get her license back?"

"Well, technically she hasn't, but she has to get to work. See, she's filling in for my Dad at the beeper emporium and she wanted to give me a lift to school. Pretty boss, huh?"

"Wow, Helga, that's quite a spread! All the food groups are well represented."

"Yeah! Can you believe Miriam made it?"

"...I swear, Helga, being at the office makes me feel like a whole new person, you know? In fact, I have decided to go back each & every day."

"Sounds great!"

"Oh, it is, honey, it's just wonderful. I'm telling you, sigh, I haven't been this happy in years."

"Then, I guess I'd better go do my homework and let you get back to it."

" gasp, Wait, Helga, why don't you just do your homework in here with me?"

"Okkay, I'll go get my stuff."

"Okkay!"

"So, this is about your sister?"

"Doi! In case you haven't noticed, Arnoldo, Olga is making me miserable!"

"Have you tried talking to her?"

"Only about a thousand times! But she's too busy blabbing about how wonderful everything is to listen to me."

"Then you have to MAKE her listen to you."

"What, you mean like with a club or a baseball bat or something?"

"No, with just plain honest talk. Sit her down and tell her how you really really feel, even if it hurts. If Olga really cares about you like she says she does, she WILL listen to you."

"Dad, will you please stop watching that tape?"

"Aw, I'm just real proud of you, girl!"

"For what?"

"Well, for doing that scowl, and saying those mean things, and wearing that pink dress-"

"Bob!?! Hello?!? I've been scowling, and saying mean things, and wearing this dress, for years!"

"Well, uh, it's finally paying off."

"But, Dad, I'm sick of the whole thing! I HATE being the 'It' Girl! I've got no privacy, the phone never stops ringing, and everybody's dressing exactly like me."

"Aw, come on, don't be ridiculous; not EVERYBODY'S dressing like you."

"Look, everybody, I'm the 'It' Girl!"

car-alarm-inducing scream

"Oh, Arnold! I'm fine as long as you're near me. Your honest eyes, so full of concern, and lo-"

"Helga, what is wrong with you? That was heading straight for the cup! This could cost me the whole game!"

"I'm fine, BOB! Thanks for asking."

"THERAPY?!? -- Ahh, this never would have happened with Olga! -- Look, is this gonna cost me anything? -- Good. - Hold it right there, missy! Report to the Trophy Room, Pronto!!"

"We didn't HAVE therapy when I was a kid."

"That's obvious, Bob."

"I don't want you blabbing to some school shrink. We Patakis don't talk about things! Just sweep 'em under the rug."

"Some things are best swept under the rug, Helga."

"Whatever you do, don't blab anything or they'll give us all a one-way ticket to the funny farm. YA GOT IT?!"

"I got it, Dad."

"This never would have happened to Olga."

"Oh, no, I don't be-"

"...and my sister KEPT it! She said 'You'd just break it.' I was so mad, I snuck in her room and broke it while she was sleeping."

"Pft! You think that's annoying, try having a sister that's perfect!"

"Perfect? What do you mean, 'perfect'?"

"Well, she gets straight 'A's at Bennington College, all the boys want to go out with her, but SHE's gotta stay home and practice the Brandenberg Concerto for the concert she's giving at the orphanage this weekend. And Mom and Dad can't get enough of her; last time she was home, I was going out of my mind."

applause

"Good morning. Who wants some more of my freshly-made Sumatran drip coffee?"

"I'll have another cup if YOU made it."

"Mm-hmm! When'd you wake up, honey?"

"Oh, hours ago. I went down to the corner grocer's for breakfast ingredients. I'm making a lemon souffle."

laughter

" laughter Oh, Olga, it's great to have you in the kitchen. I'm gonna have to put another notch in my lucky belt!"

"You sure spoil us when you're home, honey."

"You sure do."

general laughter

"Mom? Did you pick up my winter coat from the cleaners?"

"What? I, uh, Helga I forgot, all the excitement, gasp , your sister being home from, Alaska, gasp , but don't worry, because the weatherman said that it should stay above freezing for most of the day."

"Speakin' of Alaska, Olga, tell us about it. Start all over again, from the very beginning."

"Oh, it was so wonderful, Daddy. The primeval forests, the streams chilled with salmon, ????????????, the towering peak of McKinley..."

"I'm going to school now!"

"Nobody in my house even knows I exist. They never listen to me! I think I'd go crazy if it wasn't for..."

"...You said that no one at home notices that you exist."

"And?"

"Well, I think that's very sad, Helga. Everyone needs to be noticed; otherwise, life would be terribly lonely."

"You got that right."

"Your mom doesn't notice you?"

"My mom?!? Huh! My mom wouldn't notice me if I was an alien pod person chanting Hare Krishna and spitting nickels! The other morning I was in the kitchen, late for school, as usual..."

"Mom?! Mi-ri-am!"

"She's sleeping on the couch."

"Again?"

"What, wha-? Oh, I was just... looking for my keys."

"They're hanging on the hook, Miriam."

"Oh, good."

"Mom, I'm late for school, and no one made my lunch."

"Oh I, I did, honey; I put it out for you. It's, it's, ... it's around here somewhere-- Oh, here it is!"

"Moist towelettes, an individual packet of crackers, and a can of shaving cream?"

" stammer How did that get in there, haha... uh-oh, uh-oh, that must mean the Cheeze Fizz is in B's medicine cabinet."

"GAAAHH! How am I supposed to run a beeper empire with my face smelling like hickory-smoked cheddar, Miriam?"

"Did you eventually get to school?"

"Yeah."

"What did you have for lunch?"

"I traded the can of shaving cream with Harold for a Mr. Fudgy Bar. He thought it was some kind of whipped topping, what an idiot."

"So, what about your dad? He doesn't notice you either?"

" snort Are you kidding? All he cares about is O-o-ol-ga 'cause she's so perfect. She's got him completely buffaloed, always has, as far back as I can remember..."

piano music

"That was wonderful, honey."

"You're a stinkin' genius-"

"Daddy, who's gonna take me to pweschool?"

"Eh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure... Co-, come on, play us another one, Olga."

"I know, how about 'The Minute Waltz' by Msr. Frederic Chopin?"

" Gasp Oh, I love that one."

"Yeah. You should hear her play Beeth-oven, Miriam."

"Can you believe our Olga? Concert pianist at fifteen, class valedictorian?"

"Plus she's won every spelling bee in the whole darn city, hah! Makes me proud to be a Pataki."

"Hey! Who's takin' me to pweschool?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute, Olga."

"No, I'm Helga, Dad, HEL-ga!"

"Whatever. Go play outside, will ya?"

"I'm going to pweschool."

"Whadda ya know, one minute flat, hah. You're amazing, Olga!"

"I'm going to pweschool!"

"So you'll live here, and starting tomorrow, Arnold's gonna work with me, down at the beeper emporium."

"But, I don't really want to be a beeper salesman."

"Salesman?! Whoa whoa whoa whoa, Mr. Fancy Pants. Who says you get to be a SALES-man right off the bat?!?!"

"Well, I just thought that-"

"YOU start on the loading dock, just like I did, unloading heavy boxes from 7 to 5."

"Mr. Pataki, I never really planned on a future at the beeper emporium."

"Yeah, well, I guess you really lucked out when you married our Olga."

"It's, HEL-ga, Dad!"

"You know, if you wore that name tag I got you, you wouldn't keep having this problem."

"So, Helga, what are you gonna do with yourself all day?"

"Eh, I thought I'd lay around the house, watch tv and read comic books, and eat a lot of junk food."

"Uh-huh, that's, that sounds good, that sounds good." SPLAT

"Yep, good plan."

"How come I have to work and she doesn't?"

"'Cause I don't feel like it, and I got more important stuff to do."

"Like what?"

"None of your beeswax, footballhead!"

"Yeah, why should she have to work if you are? Come on, kid, use your noggin. You're never going to get off the loading dock with that attitude. --- More stuffing, Miriam."

Blurble

"…but the thing that tore it was all the spouting off he did on Parents Day."

"Well…"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten that."

"...will take home this trophy. You're all winners of course-"

"Whoever wins the trophy is best parent!"

applause, cheers

"No, no, you don't understand, this isn't that kind of competition. Everybody wins this weekend; the trophy is more of a symbol."

"Yeesh, what a tea cozy! I doubt if there's a handful of guts in this whole stinkin' crowd --- What are you looking at?"

"Where were you on that last race, Helga? We should have won by a mile! Better not let me down, girl."

"What do you mean, 'let YOU down'?"

"Listen, I am taking time off from my busy schedule, running a beeper empire, to show up here today; so I deserve to win that Best Parent trophy. Losing it is unacceptable!"

"Dad, this just in: WE'RE A-HEAD!!"

"That's exactly the kind of attitude that breeds losers! You got me?"

"Loud and clear, Bob. You're the man. We've gotta win YOU that trophy."

"There, that's the kind of attitude I wanta see."

"For cryin' out loud, Helga; whatsa matter with you? Keep your eye on the egg, not your opponent! We are NOT gonna let some ORPHAN boy and his ANCESTORS win this Parents Weekend thing!! Do you understand?"

"DAD!!!"

"What?"

"I wanted to pound him for that, or crawl into the nearest hole and pull it in after me; it was a tossup."

"I guess I should say I appreciate that."

"He had NO right to say that about you or your family; NOBODY should say that stuff like that, not about you.

"That trophy better not slip through my fingers, Helga, got that? Victory. WILL. Be. Mine."

"I'm gonna WIN that trophy or my name's not Big Bob Pataki, and nothing's gonna stop us!"

"Put some muscle in it, Miriam, come on!"

"I'm doing the best I can, B."

"Don't let that old bag and the orphan boy beat you! It's supposed to be Best Parent Day, not Screw Everything Up Day, Miriam!"

"I BEG YOUR PARDON?!?!"

"Just get the kid on my back."

WHUMP!!

TWEET!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Pataki, but dropping your daughter disqualifies you in this competition."

"What are you tellin' ME for? Miriam's the one who dropped her!"

"I'm, I'm sorry, Mr. Pataki, um, those are the rules, and, uh, I'm, I'm going to leave now."

"Dad, just forget about it, okkay?"

"Don't tell me to forget about it, little lady!"

"They're only concerned about their own pleasures, the both of them. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't have given up on them long ago."

"This is gonna be great, Miriam! A whole entire week o'hangin' out at the beach."

"Awww, B, why does it always have to be the beach?"

"'Cause the beach is the only place I get to parasail, jet ski, bodyboard, AND windsurf, poot "

"But, sigh, I just, you know, I hate it there so much, what with all the sun, and the sand, and all those loud, frolicking, happy people..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHOOOOO…

Olga saw it coming immediately. She'd been keeping one eye on the screen, the other on her parents, the whole time. So before Bob's arm had even started back, Olga had a pretty good idea what was coming. She dove for it…

SMACK!!!

…and caught the remote, just before it went into the screen. A good thing, too; with the amount of force Bob had put into that throw, the Patakis would have been minus a tv set.

She wisely put the remote to good use, turning off the tv with her left hand before any more fuel could be put on the fire she knew was about to explode. Her right hand was still feeling the sting of that catch.

What broke the silence was unexpected. For the first time with Olga in the house, Miriam had a certain urge. She stood. The other eyes in the room were riveted on her as she stepped toward the kitchen.

"I need a smoothie."

Olga, surprised, tried to block the path. "Mummy…", but she was shoved aside by a strength Miriam had forgotten she'd possessed.

"Damn it, I said I need a smoothie!"

As Miriam stalked off, Olga caught herself and took a second to get her bearings; she didn't know her mother was that strong. Unfortunately, as she caught sight of Big Bob, she knew that a second was all she'd get.

His voice was eerily calm. Too calm. She sensed that she was in mortal danger.

"Would you mind explaining just what in the HELL you were thinking?!?!?" He'd stood as he spoke, and was now towering over her.

"Well…" She was momentarily flummoxed, which was devastating, for a minute or two.

"Do you realize that's the first time Miriam's EVER gone for a smoothie with you in the house?"

"Well…"

"I mean, showing us that?!? And even making that thing! And getting the girl to say all that crap about us, I mean-"

Then her spine finally kicked in. "Helga doesn't know anything about this, Daddy. She didn't know I was there."

"So she just spilled her guts to that orphan-"

"His name is Arnold, and you can't prove he's an orphan. Why would you be so cruel as to even mention it, much less around him?"

"You mind your tongue, young lady! Where is that girl, we're gonna have a-", he said as he started to stomp in the direction of the stairs, but by now Olga's spine had fully stiffened as she recalled her purpose. She stood in the way.

"Move it, Olga."

"No, Daddy. You're not going to punish Helga for any of this. She is the only one in this house who is innocent of wrongdoing, unlike us. For once, do not blame her or take out your anger on her!"

Bob tried to brush past her, roughly moving her out of the way, if need be; but she wasn't having any of it. She blocked his path, not once, nor twice. This is what she'd been training with Lila for, and she put she skills and strength acquired to good use.

Finally, momentarily defeated, Bob sunk back into his easy chair. His bullying instincts banked for the time being, he tried another tack.

"Why are you doing this, Olga? You're destroying this family, you do realize that, don't you?"

"If I am, what of it? It's nothing you haven't been doing since Helga was born!"

"What's she got to do with anything?"

"That's just the kind of attitude that's been ruining her; no wonder she had to see a psychiatrist with YOU for a father!"

"Now, look…"

"Always Big Bob the Beeper King! All Hail the Beeper King! HAH!! Bob the bully is more like it, and with your own daughter!"

"Olga…"

"Always putting her down, yelling at her, ignoring her, and STILL she looks up to you! She idolizes you, Daddy! Do you even know that she's a bully at school? Because she wants to be just like her Dad. What is your problem with her, anyway? Do you wish she was a boy, is that it? A male heir to run your 'beeper empire' after you're gone?

"I swear, to hear about what you've done around the house, to SEE with my own eyes what you did at that Parents Day thing! And Mummy couldn't handle all of this crap from you so she crawled into a bottle, excuse me, a blender. And ME, getting a fat head from all the attention and glory-"

"Well, what's wrong with you getting attention and glory?"

"What about attention for Helga? Have you cared about anything she's done? Like that go cart race she won? Or all those ball games?"

"Hello? Where were you today?"

"Fine, you were there today, but only because I practically dragged you there. Helga is a person, a human being with feelings. She needs to know you care about her more than once a year."

"Ah, what are you talking about? She's a Pataki, she'll be fine."

"That's right, Patakis are tough, Patakis don't cry – except me, apparently – Patakis don't talk about their feelings, Patakis keep it all inside, sweep it under the rug." She paused before delivering the coup de grace so far. "And Patakis drop dead of heart attacks in their '40's!"

No matter that it turned out to be gas and not a heart attack, that one hit home. Big Bob was on his feet again. "How DARE you?!?"

"How dare YOU? We've been ruining Helga's life, and it ultimately comes back to you. I have a mind to go to the psychiatrist myself, and I WILL spill my guts."

"Don't you dare!"

"And if it comes down to it I'll leave, and I'll see what I can do about taking Helga with me, and the law will be on my side! And-"

SMACK!!!

Although Olga had been unwillingly training for just such a contingency, that slap was a complete surprise. A surprise to both of them; for all of his yelling and bullying, Bob had never actually raised his hand to anyone before, not even Helga.

The look of rage on his face dissipated in an instant, followed by shock, then looks his face wasn't used to wearing: fear, remorse, contrition, panic, regret.

Her face went through a metamorphosis as well. It went from shock, to hysteria, to great sadness, to anger, and then, as it finally swung back around to face him, grim determination.

What she saw was impossible. There were tears in her father's eyes, not to mention stark terror, both at what he'd done, and what might follow. The offending hand he was now grasping with his other, clutching it as though ready to rip it off at a moment's notice.

But by now she couldn't be swayed even by that. 'Lady MacBeth' had taken over, and every word that came out – cold, slow, and deliberate – was polished and honed to do maximum damage to his psyche.

"Are you through, or would you like to hit me some more?"

She turned around and stalked off up the stairs, leaving no one to witness yet another impossibility: Big Bob the Beeper King hitting his knees, trying with all his might to control the flood welling up inside him. He almost succeeded.

In the kitchen, Miriam answered the call of her own injured psyche, treating the wounds with alcohol. The fruit. The blender. The 'special' ingredients. The tall glass that, in due time, held her nepenthe, the balm that would once again benumb her to that was going on around her.

As the glass reached her lips, she saw herself reflected in the drink, then in the glass as she lowered it. She set the glass down, and turned, finding herself facing the kitchen window. She stared at her own reflection, that bleak, unkempt, haggard, accusing face that used to hold so much promise.

Her grip, still on the glass, tightened. It could still be quite formidable when she really wanted it to be, when she wasn't zoned out.

The glass soon bore silent witness to the strength still present in the former state bull riding champion and Olympic class swimmer. It was squeezed, almost to the breaking point.

Then her arm cocked and fired the glass, sidearm, toward the miserable image of herself in the window. It splattered, but she was shaking so much at the time that neither glass shattered. It was close, though.

She too fell to her knees, forearms hugging the counter for dear life, crying into the sink.

By now Bob had somehow found his way to his easy chair, but it wasn't easy. He was almost comatose. Someone had left a remote in the seat, and as he sat on it he'd accidentally turned on the tv. He wasn't paying attention, though.

A door slammed shut upstairs. A minute later Olga came stomping down the stairs, a bag in her hand. She stopped in between the living room and the dining room, between where her parents were.

"If anyone cares, I'll be at the YWAA." She announced, before leaving.

Whether anyone even noticed is an open question.

Upstairs in her room, Helga had finally dozed off. The Homicide marathon on Court TV was finally winding down with the movie finale. If anyone had been able to hear, they would have heard Bayliss yelling at his former partner Pembleton.

"Did I take a bullet for you?!?"

"DID I TAKE A BULLET FOR YOU?!?!?"

I realize that this is a bit of a downer to end on, especially on Christmas. And y'all know that more of the same is coming. Let not y'all's hearts be troubled, though; I'm writing this and I'm going to make sure that the ending is happy. It's always darkest just before the dawn, and all that.

As I have said – repetitively – this has been the most difficult piece of writing I have ever done. I see no reason why anything in the future should be anywhere near this difficult, which means that it's not going to take me 1 to 2 years per chapter after this; far from it. I'm going to try to keep it to every one or two months instead. One of my New Years resolutions will be to work on this and other fics at least once a day every day. We'll see if I keep it, but I am optimistic.

Until the next chapter in the Brainy Saga – Memento Miriam – let me leave y'all with these words, originally sung by Gold City.

Merry Christmas to all who may dwell here

Merry Christmas, if even just one

May the joys of the season surround you

Merry Christmas, with love