Part 7
December 16th
"Ok Noel, this has gone on long enough." Gauntlet said. With the new day, several Titans had gone in search of a new tree, while Speedy and Aqualad cleaned up the main room as punishment (the fact that it was just them cleaning up considering Beast Boy and Mas had been involved too was mostly because of the girl's threats). Savior, of course, was back in his room, repairing the presents.
"Gauntlet, unless you have something for me to do in constructive terms, please go away. I've made up my mind."
"Argh. Noel, let me ask you some questions. First, would you agree that it is a good thing to be happy?"
"Yes…"
"All right then. Now, if happiness is a good thing, i.e virtue, and it's a good thing to inspire virtue in others, then it's a good thing to make others happy. Can you grant this?"
"What's your point Socrates?"
Gauntlet slammed his hands on Savior's desk.
"BE SAD ON YOUR OWN TIME OR ELSE I'LL SHOOT YOU WITH CYBORG'S TINSEL-ZOOKA!"
"Rob, this is my own time. I'm dating the empath, remember? I know how I affect others, hence I am staying in my room and avoiding you guys. This is for YOUR sakes."
"That's not all of it you know. To explain this, I have prepared a chart." Gauntlet said, as he pulled out his magical stand again and produced a map of Titans Tower.
"This is the tower, as seen from above. Now this…" Gauntlet said, as he drew on the map in black marker. "Is your room. Now, in essence, the knowledge that you're sitting in here in your funk is drawing the happiness out of us…" Gauntlet said as he drew lines from the other rooms towards Noel's. "…into an inescapable vortex of unhappiness."
"Your point being?"
"Please, at least try and maintain appearances." Gauntlet said.
"Ok." Savior replied, and smiled.
If a slug and an elephant had an offspring, if someone mashed together lead and gold atoms, if the human female sexual organ switched to the ear canal, it would have been more natural then the smile that had appeared on Savior's face.
"….Never mind." Rob said, and shuddered visibly as he headed for the exit.
"Leave anything you want done outside my door." Savior said.
Gauntlet headed for the main room, where Speedy and Aqualad were finishing up, being watched by Starfire, who was doodling on a large sheet of paper. Gauntlet walked over: more plans for finding Santa.
"Still hunting for good old Saint Nick huh?" Gauntlet commented.
"Yep!" Starfire said, grinning. Speedy rolled his eyes.
"Hmmm. You know he's really hard to catch…like, he's like 17 leprechauns or something."
"I feel this is the year!"
"I feel it's not. If you really want to spend your time well Star, you should help me set out my Jump City Monster traps."
"…Wait, what?" Speedy said.
"My traps!" Gauntlet said, as if it were perfectly normal. "One day I'll catch Jumpy…a remnant from the Paleozoic, he's a sea creature of immense size that somehow has the ability to make cameras malfunction and can fool most radar systems."
Speedy stared, wondering if he was being set up again…and then realizing even Gauntlet couldn't fake that fevered look in his eyes.
"But…I feel lucky." Gauntlet said, and then ran over and threw open the window. "YOU HEAR THAT JUMPY? YOUR PLESIOSAUR ASS IS MINE!"
"…Gauntlet, pelycosaurs have been extinct for millions of years." Aqualad said.
"Yes, duh, PELYCOSAURS, one of the earliest groups of mammal-like reptiles, the most famous member of which is Dimetrodon, are extinct. I'm talking about plesiosaurs, the ancient aquatic reptiles with long necks."
"…Why would you want to see something like that? Those are common where I come from." Aqualad said.
Starfire then got to witness a truly rare sight: Gauntlet facevaulting.
"They are?"
"Yes! If you want to catch something unique, you should set out snipe traps."
"Snipes?"
"Oh yeah. They're gigantic, flesh eating fish…except they really only eat peanut butter sandwiches though. You'd better go make a couple of dozen." Aqualad said. Much to Speedy's surprise, Gauntlet did not reply, instead running off excitedly.
"…Heh. Nice work man. I'd have never thought you had it in you." Speedy said, as he tried to give Aqualad a high five.
"Excuse me?" Aqualad said. Speedy stopped.
"Oh come on man. Snipes? That's a classic prank! I'm amazed he fell for it!"
"What prank? Do you have any idea how tasty snipes are? Especially in Teriyaki sauce?"
This time, it was the far more common sight of Speedy facevaulting.
And Savior had thought he felt ridiculous before.
"I can't believe I'm doing this." He muttered.
"Vaya con huevos!" Mas Y Menos said, as they posed. Thankfully, they were fully clothed. But they were just as ridiculous. Savior had thought they wanted to send a few photos home to their family…which they did, and hence had simply sat like good little boys in a serious way…but it turned out they wanted a bunch of other pictures too, in far more absurd poses that Savior had been seeing a lot lately. Why they wanted the pictures for was unknown, though Savior had a feeling it involved the Titan females.
"Get closer together, this camera doesn't have a wide angle lense." Savior said. "Oh man, before this is done I swear I'm going to be arrested for child pornography…"
"No me gusta el queso de hombro!"
I wonder what the Spanish speakers are thinking about now.
Apparently not the fact that the joke half the time is that whatever May Y Menos are saying has nothing to do with the scene.
"Tienes huevos en tus pantalones? QUE MALO!"
See?
"Ok, done, do you…"
"Cuadros!" The twins yelled, having grabbed the camera away before Savior could blink.
"Hey wait! No no! That's not a Polaroid or digital camera! No stop that, you'll expose the film! I am not doing this again! Hey careful, that camera's expensive!"
"Hey Aqualad, before we go hunt for those snipes, I have a question." Gauntlet said.
"Ok?"
"I tried to ask Aquaman during the last crossover, but we were sort of busy fighting that giant mind controlling starfish thing…y'know, that whachamacallit?"
"Starro?"
"Yeah, that's it. We tried to call you, but all we got was Bumblebee screaming about something."
"Yeah, she's like that a lot."
"Tell me about it. Anyway, my question is this. You are offended by the sight and the consumption of dead fish. Ok, I can understand that. But I asked a friend of mine who's a biologist about this, and he assured me that since Atlantis is at the bottom of the ocean, no light would penetrate far enough for significant photosynthesis to occur. Therefore, you couldn't be eating plants. And the human/merman physiology is not designed for straining things out of the water like whales. So, do you guys just not eat fish, or is it more how humans prepare the fish?"
Silence.
"I…um…that is…you know, I'm not sure." Aqualad said. "I…I lived there my entire life, but for the life of me I can't remember what we ate except for fish…but that means…uh…uh." Aqualad said.
"I'm glad we had this talk."
Silence again.
And then a small pink elf walked on screen and bashed Gauntlet on the head.
"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR!"
"You just ruined the ONLY good joke about Aqualad that isn't a variation on 'Aquaman sucks'!" Charlie said, and stormed off.
"Well, unfortunately, the consequences of burning our tree in an area where pine doesn't grow naturally means that all the trees have been sold already." Robin said. All the Titans groaned. "I'll see what I can do in terms of replacing it, but let this be a lesson in randomly deciding on doing something crazy! Since this is a problem, does anyone have a suggestion?"
"Oh oh, I know, I know!" Beast Boy said, as he ran off…and came back with a sickly skeletal mini-pine.
"…My lord, even I wasn't bold enough to touch that cliché." Gauntlet said.
"You want to use THAT as our tree?" Bumblebee said.
"It may be small, but all it needs is a little love!" Beast Boy declared, as he put a Christmas ornament on it.
The tree promptly crumbled into rotten wood fragments.
"…DAMN YOU RANDOM INTERJECTIONS OF REALISM!" Beast Boy yelled.
December 17th
"While the Titans have lost their tree, they have not lost their spirits. And I'm beginning to wonder if we're losing the readers: how long have we been rambling on like this anyway?" Dickens said as he stood by the presents.
KLONK!
"But for all their celebration, an absence continued to stand out." Charlie said, dropping the present she'd hit Dickens over the head with "Therefore, the Titans began to come up with a plan."
Stars dancing around Dickens' eyes, he sat up.
"Ugghhhh…why is one of the Titans giving someone else an anvil?"
"This has gone on long enough." Robin said. "Since we can't find a tree, and the shopping is done, and we need to avoid any more tomfoolery…"
"Tomfoolery?" Bumblebee said to herself.
"Here's the plan: we are getting Savior out of his damn room and out of his damn Scrooge/Cratchett fusion performance!"
"Here here." Beast Boy said.
"Now…how are we going to do that?"
"Just drag him out?" Bumblebee suggested.
"No, that won't work. He might join us but he'll, as he said, drag us all down. We need a way to change his mind…that's never easy."
"Aha! I've got it!" Gauntlet said. "We need…A MONTAGE!"
(Music starts up)
"Yes! A montage! That never fails!" Dickens said, as the Titans danced behind them.
"Unfortunately since the site has banned copyrighted songs we can't show the appropriate parody song." Charlie said. Dickens facevaulted.
"What about the Christmas carols?"
"Those are almost always public domain. Those are allowed."
"Oh…so what do we do. Just stand here until the montage is done?"
"Pretty much."
The two stood there.
And some more.
And some more.
And some…
"Oh forget this!" Dickens said as he produced a big sheath of paper labeled THE SCRIPT and pulled out a pencil. "I'll just erase until the end!"
"Be careful you don't…"
The Titans watched in horror as the shadow of the giant turkey leaned over them…
Too far! Go back! Go back!
"Oh yes…" The cheetah purred. "Oh yes… Oh yes! OH YES! OH YESSS! OOOOOOOOOOHH YESSSS!"
That's too far back! Go forward! GO FORWARD!
"TURKEY!"
"HAM!"
"TURKEY!"
"HAM!"
"TURKEY"
"HAM!"
That's LAST year's Christmas story!
"Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. Please put a penny in an old man's hat…" Dan said as he hopped through the open door. "If you haven't got a penny, a half-penny will do…" The keys were still in the ignition. "If you haven't got a half-penny, god bless you..."
Argh! Now we've completely left the Titans fandom! Let me do it! To the end!
The Titans starred at Noel's heavily padlocked and chained door, now with a big GO AWAY sign on it.
"Wow, I think we actually made it worse."
"So what is this now? The last person I'd expect? Or were you the only one who could get in?" Savior said to Sophie, who had turned into a flock of bats and flown in through the air vents.
"Of course not! I don't care! Nigel asked me to help, but you clearly don't want help!" Sophie blurted. "Stay in here and be a sourpuss! We'll all have plenty of fun without you!"
"Good to know." Savior said, putting stamps on Christmas cards and almost outright annoying Sophie, which flustered her even more.
"…Fine! I always knew you were too weak to get past the things that mattered!"
Savior gave Sophie one of his looks.
"My young lady, the last two people who tried to use reverse psychology on me are currently pushing up daisies."
Sophie gasped.
"You KILLED them?"
"No, they just got lousy jobs." Savior replied.
"Ohhhhhhhhh! Fine! Stay in here, with your sulking and your chores and that depraved, perverted photo album I heard you were working on!"
"If you want some shots for Nigel, Sophie, all you had to do was ask." Noel replied. Sophie blushed furiously.
"How dare you! You think I have time for something like that? I have my own stuff! Do you know how much pre-cooking is needed for this year? I have to get ready to baste the turkey, fix the potatoes, make the first batch of stuffing, and do all of Tara's chores because she's hiding in her room ranting about snowballs!"
"It's three for a quarter."
"I'll be there at six." Sophie said, and left the room.
And Terra got hit by a snowball!
"Hah! I was ready that time!" Terra said, wearing a biohazard suit.
December 20th
"While the Titan Savior later took the chains off his door, he…wait a minute, I think we have a typo." Dickens said, pointing up.
"No, that's the right date." Charlie replied.
"…The 20th? What happened to the 18th and 19th?"
"…It was a really long montage."
Dickens facevaulted.
"Anyway, enough about the Titan Savior for now. For Christmas is a time celebrated by the whole superhero community…"
"Mail call." Raven said, bringing in the mail and placing it on the table, as various Titans rummaged through it.
"Oh boy, it's a letter from the Justice League!" Beast Boy said, grabbing it up, at least before Robin took it. "I bet it's their gift for us!"
Robin opened it.
"Dear Teen Titans. Due to budget constraints, we will not be exchanging gifts this year. Signed, Superman." Robin read.
Silence, as the Titans gaped.
"…But…but but…we already mailed them marble statues of themselves carved by Leonardo Da Vinci!" Beast Boy sputtered.
"Best use of the Chromoton Destabilizer ever." Cyborg said as an aside.
"There must be something!" Beast Boy said, as he grabbed the envelope. "Even if it's just a lottery ticket…or…nothing. There's nothing."
"If I didn't know better, I would say Superman is a dick." Raven said dryly.
"Well great. The trouble we go to…! I hope that for them we didn't mess up the time-space continuum…" Cyborg said, and then realized one of his hands had been replaced by an electronic egg beater. "Oh dear."
"All right, I think we have the gift-giving all fully organized with all possible pranks removed…" J'onn J'onnz said, as he reached into a sack of cookies and ate another Oreo. "And there do not appear to be any major problems happening on Earth, let us hope it continues that way…" J'onn said, as he ate another Oreo. "Are there any more requests for leave?"
"No, we have that organized too." Wonder Woman said, as J'onn ate another Oreo.
"Blue Beetle and Booster Gold are under surveillance?" J'onn said, as he ate another Oreo.
"Like hawks." Batman said.
"Very well then. Then I suppose the last detail before we adjourn for Christmas holidays is…" J'onn said as he reached for another Oreo…and found the bag empty. "Oh dear, I am out of Oreos. Where is another bag?"
"I think that's the last one man. We haven't had any time to restock the supplies this month." John Stewart said.
"…There are no more Oreos." J'onn said.
"Yes, but relax, we'll have some more in a few hours…"
Vigilante, Vibe, Aztek, and Dr. Light II saw something they never thought they'd ever see: the original members of the Justice League running for their lives.
"Quick! Someone activate the teleporter and find a supermarket!" Superman yelled.
"OORRREEEEOOOOOOSSSSSS!" Came a bellow, and then a drastically pumped up J'onn, in the alien equivalent of roid rage (cookie rage?) leapt into the room. "MARS NEEDS OREEEEOOOOOS!"
"Hey Orion, remember when you asked me to explain the English expression 'Expect the unexpected?'" Mister Miracle said to his fellow New God. "Well, that's-OW!" Mister Miracle yelled as he was hit in the chest with a thrown chair.
"ORRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!"
"Eh, no matter. May the Justice League have a merry Christmas anyway." Raven said.
"...You looked way too saitisfied when you said that." Beast Boy said.