"Yes, Fuji?"
"How can you tell if you've made a mistake?"
It was almost two am, and Taka was concerned, because Fuji sounded like anyone else would sound drunk, and that meant he was painfully sober and thinking too hard about things that only Fuji could think about.
"Er... I suppose it depends on the circumstances, really..." Taka wasn't quite sure where Fuji was going with this, but if he had called up at two in the morning, then it had to be important, or, at least, Fuji's kind of triviality, and Taka never really could tell the difference. "Do you... do you want me to come over? It wouldn't be any trouble..." It actually would be, because Taka had to get up very early to supervise the fresh fish deliveries for the restaurant, but Fuji came first, and his wife would understand.
"Thank you. I'd come to you, but I don't think I should be driving..."
Taka agreed with that, after hearing the funny little laugh Fuji gave after it.
The drive over would have been peaceful, since the Tokyo streets were quieter in the middle of the night, but Taka found that all he could concentrate on was his worry for Fuji. He'd sounded pretty... strange, and unease seeped into Taka like solution up litmus paper. It had been a very, very long time indeed since Fuji had called him for help.
"Are you okay...?" Taka asked after Fuji had let him into his apartment with an empty little smile. The living room was lit by a few candles dotted about, and Taka could see the never-sleeping city outside, through the expansive window. Fuji's place was pretty high up in his building, so the view was magnificent.
"I don't know..." That wasn't a very Fuji-like thing to say. "Probably not, but I'm not really sure..."
Fuji was stood close to the window, but with his back to it, facing Taka; the lights outside lit his silhouette, but Taka couldn't really see his face, so he chose to remain standing too, in case Fuji needed a hug or some other kind of physical reassurance. He sounded like he might do, soon, and although Taka felt it was a bit strange, and would never have had an urge to hug Eiji, say, or Oishi, or any other male friend, there was something about Fuji that Taka felt needed protecting, especially when he sounded so small right now.
"Do you want to talk about it...? What was the thing about making mistakes?" Taka wondered if he'd spoken out of line, there, bringing up something Fuji may not have wanted to talk about anymore, but he pressed on anyway, because Fuji looked so lost. "Do you think you might have made one?"
"'Tensai Fuji Shuusuke never makes mistakes' – Yuuta said that, after I'd claimed that something I'd done right was a mistake."
Taka wasn't sure if he was meant to say anything to this. He quite hoped not, because he couldn't think of anything that Fuji might have wanted him to say. At least Fuji wasn't laughing...
"But I think now, last week, maybe I claimed that something I did wrong was right. I let Yuuta go, when he was upset with me. I let him walk out of here and go back home, because it's best that he's not with me. I thought it was the right thing to do, but..."
"But now you don't think so?" Taka almost wished that Fuji was crying, because it would be less painful to watch than him not doing.
"He... there's no way that being with me could have been good for him, is there? So... I don't know if it was a mistake."
"Why couldn't it have been good for him?" Taka spoke a little more boldly than he'd intended, but he really was curious for an answer.
Fuji did laugh, then. Taka didn't like it when Fuji laughed like that.
"Because I'm his brother, and if anyone found out..."
Taka thought about saying "I found out, and it was okay", but didn't, because Fuji already knew that. "Are there any other reasons? Do your parents know, about Yuuta? I mean, because you said he'd gone home now."
"They do know that we were together, but he has gone home, yes. I think they think I just led him astray." Fuji gave his disconcerting laugh again.
"So they still welcome him and talk to him...?" Taka had a feeling that he was going to have to keep plugging away for quite a while until Fuji started contributing to the conversation constructively.
"Yes. But they'll love him more, now that he's come back to them, and -"
Taka knew he had to cut him off before he continued to spill distracted thoughts everywhere, no matter how much he disliked the idea of interrupting Fuji.
"Fuji, if they still loved him when you were together, then the amount of love isn't going to change – it doesn't work like that! Your parents will always love Yuuta, whether he's with you or not, so I don't think you have to worry about that too much..."
"It didn't happen that way with me, though."
Fuji took a cautious step towards him, and Taka had no idea of what he could say. It hadn't happened that way with Fuji, it was true, and it hurt Taka to think that Fuji didn't see his parents very much because they hadn't taken well to his feelings. Fuji knew Taka felt this way, though, and Taka didn't know what to say that could make Fuji feel any better at all.
"That's..."
"Not the same, right?"
"No, that's not what I was going to say. I... Fuji, I think the evidence shows that Yuuta's not going to be ostracised by your family for being with you. The circumstances are... different. I don't think that's a good thing, at all, but it is different."
"There's no way they could approve, though."
"Is that as important to Yuuta as being with you, Fuji?" Taka was finding that the only way he could avoid Fuji having a monologue on his own was to be more assertive than he normally was. "Does he actually still want to be with you? You made it sound as if he does, but he did walk out..."
"He said the only reason he was going was that I hadn't let us work. But I tried... oh, I should have just turned him away when he first came here months ago!"
"But Fuji, you were happy, weren't you?" Taka wished that the room was more brightly-lit, but he felt it would be rude to ask to turn some lights on, especially when Fuji was... well, he probably actually wasn't trying to preserve his dignity by making his face hard to see, because he was Fuji, and it was very difficult to read his face even when the world was crumbling, but Taka knew that Fuji liked soft lighting over electric at least. "I've never seen you as happy as you were when I saw you for coffee last week!"
"Apparently I wasn't really happy, though." Fuji sounded strange when he talked about himself like that.
"So... what would make you happy?" Taka found it hard to believe that the answer could be anything but Yuuta, regardless of what Fuji was saying.
Taka found it even harder to believe when Fuji moved closer to him and grasped his shoulders with frail-feeling fingers, pushing himself up on tiptoes and kissing him before he could process what was happening. It was a dark, terrible kiss – a black hole of desperation and fear – and although he really didn't want Fuji to be kissing him, he just couldn't push him away. He had to wait until the black hole collapsed, however hard it was to keep himself from responding. Fuji's lips were soft in the way that stars looked soft, from very far away; they burned when up close, and his fingers clung like gravity.
Fuji eventually pulled away, his lips parting from Taka's with a soft, damp sound that signified the collapse of the universe. His hands were still on Taka's shoulders, starting to dig in hard now, and he remained staring up at Taka's face, looking frightened and small and shocked, and other things that Taka couldn't even begin to guess at.
"Taka-san..." Fuji sounded very far away.
"Fuji, it's okay." Fuji's hands were getting painful now, but Taka didn't mind; it really was all okay. For Fuji, it always would be.
"But it's not. I... I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, Taka-san. I shouldn't have put you in this position, I shouldn't, and..."
"And...?" Fuji seemed much less manic now, so it seemed safe enough to encourage him to speak.
"And... I... love him. I really really love him. I don't want to be without him, Taka-san! What am I going to do? What am I going to do? I can't let...!"
Fuji had let go of his shoulders, but Taka wished he was still holding on, because then he wouldn't be covering his mouth with his hands and looking as stricken as he was.
"Fuji, if both of you want this, then you can do it, can't you...?"
Fuji shifted his weight slightly, and Taka's heart broke; a tear trail down Fuji's cheek had caught the light, and on closer inspection, Fuji was covering his mouth to make himself breathe through his nose, to make it less embarrassing for the both of them.
As if the kiss hadn't happened at all, Taka wrapped his arms around Fuji and let him cry on his shoulder. If Fuji got mad about it later, then that was okay – just, right now, Taka didn't think that Fuji should have to be in pain alone in the dark when he had a friend with him, even if it would be embarrassing for Fuji later. Taka had never seen Fuji cry in a decade and a half of friendship, so for Fuji to have cracked now... Taka didn't want to think about how dreadful he must be feeling. Plus, crying in the dark didn't really count. And Fuji was being really very dignified with it, so it doubly didn't count. Taka would tell Fuji that, if he got angry with Taka for pulling him close like this later.
"What am I going to do, Taka-san...?" Fuji's voice sounded forcedly level now, but that was good enough for Taka, so he let Fuji go and returned to a manly distance away. Perhaps this was one of those things they'd never mention again.
"I think you need to talk to Yuuta, Fuji."
"But if I do that..."
"Fuji, you're not bad for him. If Yuuta's seemed happy, and he still wants to be with you, then you're not bad for him. Or, even if you are, just for argument's sake, I think... I think you might need to let him make his own mistakes. If you're going to... be lovers... then it's not your job to guide him, it's your job to support him, and counsel him when it's necessary. He needs you, not your advice. Just like, heh, you need me and not my advice here when I'm speaking out of turn..."
"No... you've told me something I should have listened to a long time ago. Yuuta told me the same thing, in some of our discussions... just not as eloquently." Fuji laughed, and Taka found that he didn't cringe at it this time. "This really has been all my fault, hasn't it? Yuuta told me I needed to let go of him a bit in order to let him get closer, but I didn't do it. I didn't do it any of the times he asked me, and... no wonder he went home. I hope... I hope he's not too angry at me. Or, not irreparably so..."
"I think he'll be fine. Anger at you is something he's used to, right?" Taka grinned, and Fuji allowed himself a small smile.
"Yes, I suppose that's never kept him away before... except..."
"That was a long time ago, Fuji, and he was young and needed space," Taka said firmly. Fuji gave him a small smile again.
"I need to go and see him, don't I?"
"I think you do." Taka put a hand on Fuji's shoulder in as masculine a way as possible. "It'll be fine, Fuji, I'm sure of it."
"What if they-"
"They'll let you in. They'll have to. And if they think you turning up is bad news, then you can wait a little outside until they give in, right? Talking to them will be good for all of you, I think. I hope. If Yuuta's there too, it will be, won't it?"
"It might well be," Fuji said, sounding more like Fuji than he had all night. "Do you think they'll let me in now, though?"
"You'd have the element of surprise, but I don't think Yuuta would want to let you in at this time of night!" Taka laughed to himself, and Fuji laughed a little with him.
"Mmn, maybe not. I should get some sleep, and wait 'til it's tea and cake time, so they can't turn me away."
Fuji was making jokes of his own, so it was probably okay for Taka to leave now. He'd stay up until the deliveries came, and then sleep until it was time to open for lunch. Preparations were what his staff were employed for, after all.
"Thank you, Taka-san..." Fuji said, at the door. "You're far too good to me."
"It's really nothing, Fuji."
But really, it was everything.