sigh. Yes, it's been raining over here, too. I had to play a soccer game a few days ago in the freezing rain on a turf field, meaning the water doesn't get soaked up like it should--and would if it were grass, not plastic--so we were basically playing in a inch deep pool of water. It bit some major ass. And not even a shapely sort of ass. We're talking old, wrinkled, ugly ass. With pimples.

Anyway.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Codi smiled as the fortress came into view. It was very like coming home. Almost without realizing it, her eyes slid along the wall to the small column of smoke rising from the forest. Codi frowned as something within her stirred. It was as if something called to her from the forest, beckoning her silently. As if she were missing something and it could be found there, in the forest...just beyond her reach...

"Codi, where are you going?"

With a start, Codi realized that she had started toward the forest. She looked back at Gawain, who had called her, and then at the forest. Fighting back irrational frustration, she shook her head. Tristan regarded her intently, as did the hawk resting on his fist.

"I...I don't know," Codi said confusedly.. "I must have been daydreaming."

"Well, wake up, we go right to work as soon as we get home," Vonora said grumpily from the wagon where she nursed her baby.

Codi groaned. She really, really didn't feel like working tonight. But the men would no doubt want to drink, and someone had to serve them. And serve she did, even though she would have liked nothing better than to just drop into her corner of the loft and sleep. Codi yawned and reached for another pitcher of ale but found herself holding a piece of bread instead. Ana, the tavern keeper's wife, held the rest of the loaf and was shaking it at her sternly.

"Eat," she ordered, and pinched Codi's arm. "You're naught but skin and bones. How will you ever catch a man, Codi? You've nothing to show that you're even female!"

Codi rolled her eyes and munched her bread. The women in Britain were either curvy and voluptuous if they were lucky or just plain chubby if they were not. Being thin was usually a sign of being poor and therefor underfed. Vonora's friends were forever bemoaning Codi's perpetual state of comparative scrawniness, saying that no respectable man would marry a woman who looked more like a young boy. They said. Codi did not consider herself particularly scrawny or boyish.

"I suppose it would be pointless to remind you that I don't particularly need a man," Codi said around her bread.

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Ana chastised. "And who says you don't need a man? You do, if only for Vonora's sake. She has enough people in that house without you on top of it."

Codi stopped chewing. She hadn't thought of it that way. But then she shrugged. She pulled her weight in Vonora's house—that certainly wasn't a reason to get married. Codi finished her bread and escaped with her pitcher of ale before Ana could find something else to criticize.

Codi gasped as she found herself pulled into a little nook in the wall, then relaxed when she saw it was only Gawain.

"You almost made me spill my ale," she fretted.

"Heaven forbid," Gawain murmured. "I wanted to talk to you. Alone."

"Why?" Codi asked, puzzled. "Is something wrong?"

"No, I don't think so," Gawain said with a soft laugh. "I heard Ana squawking at you, by the way."

Codi snorted. "The way she talks, you'd think that I'll just burn to a crisp one day if I don't get married."

"Are you so set against it?" Gawain asked, cocking his head.

"I'm just not in any rush," Codi shrugged. "And, besides, she's made it abundantly clear that no self-respecting man would marry me the way I am. I'm too skinny."

"What if one would?"

Codi eyed him warily. "Gawain, you're not--"

He kissed her then, full on the mouth. "No, but I'm thinking I might like to, one day. Would you let me try to convince you?"

"I...well..." Codi took a shaky breath. "I don't--"

Gawain kissed her again, pulling her gently against his chest. Codi felt her heart hammer and her stomach start to flutter. It was embarrassing, really. She'd only been kissed once in her life—she'd been thirteen and her boyfriend had sort of ambushed her during a movie. She had let him because she hadn't wanted to make a scene, but she'd never had any desire to repeat the experience since then. But this—this was something wholly different. Gawain was no just-barely-pubescent boy fumbling through his first kiss. He clearly was quite experienced.

Codi's eyes fluttered open. "I...I suppose I might be open to persuasion," she said weakly.

"There's my good lass," Gawain said, smiling down at her.

"I should get back to work," Codi whispered, looking at the ground.

"Go on, then," Gawain murmured in her ear. Codi shivered. "I'll be in the stables tonight, if you'd like to come."

Codi nodded and slipped away. She felt shaky and slightly dizzy, and found herself fumbling with cups and bumping into things. She noticed Vonora casting puzzled glances her way, but Codi avoided her eyes. When Codi spilled ale all over Arthur, however, Vonora took her aside and felt her forehead.

"You're feverish," Vonora said. "What's wrong? Are you ill?"

"No, no," Codi muttered. "I'm fine, really—I'm just clumsy..."

"You're not clumsy," Vonora said, looking at her shrewdly. "Gawain couldn't take his eyes off you."

Codi blushed deeply, giving herself away. Vonora smiled triumphantly. "I knew it! I had a feeling he was sweet on you...did he kiss you?"

Codi nodded.

"Have you been kissed before?"

"Once," Codi admitted, still bright red. "Not like that."

"Oh, my poor lass," Vonora laughed. "It can be overwhelming. You'll get used to it."

"He said he wanted to convince me to marry him," Codi half wailed.

"You poor, poor dear." Vonora gave her a quick hug and chuckled. "You don't have to marry him if you don't want to. Come on, now, have a sip of ale to calm your nerves."

"With any luck, I'll pass out. I already feel drunk," Codi muttered, but took a sip.

No such luck.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Codi spent the next few weeks in a constant state of flustered anxiety. She enjoyed Gawain's kisses, but—he acted differently toward her, now. He was protective of her in an entirely new way and always seemed to be around. Codi kind of liked that, too, but it got tiring sometimes. And on top of that, she still felt the unnamed longing and frustration eating away at her insides. She found herself wanting to ride and run more and more, but finding less and less time. Lately it was all she could do to just escape for a few moments.

Codi was standing on the ramparts, enjoying a moment of peace, when she heard a soft footstep behind her. With a sigh, she turned around to receive Gawain and saw with a start that it wasn't Gawain at all, but Tristan. This time her sigh was one of relief. Tristan wouldn't tease her or try to wheedle information out of her. Or ask her what she was doing out there, all alone.

"Hiding from your lover?" Tristan asked lightly, moving to stand beside her.

"I'm not hiding," Codi said defensively. "Just thinking."

"What about, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I'm not sure," Codi sighed.

Tristan raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"I've been feeling for weeks that something is missing or—that I should be doing something," Codi tried to explain. "Only I don't know what."

"What do you want to do?" Tristan asked idly. Codi shrugged. "If you were free to do anything—anything at all—what would you do?"

Codi thought for a moment. "You promise you won't laugh?"

"I swear," Tristan said solemnly.

"I'd go find Morgaine," Codi said swiftly, and blushed.

"Then why don't you?" Tristan asked mildly. If he thought her desire strange, he gave no indication.

Codi opened her mouth and then shut it. "I don't know. I suppose because someone would try to stop me and I wouldn't be able to explain why I want to go." Codi made a face. "With my luck, it would be Gawain, and he would tell me that it's silly and talk me out of it."

"Why do you let him?" Tristan wondered, staring at her intently. "Talk you into and out of things, I mean. Push you around."

Codi shrugged uncomfortably. "It doesn't seem like he pushes me around."

"But that's what it is," Tristan pointed out.

"I know," Codi said, looking down. "It's just...oh, I don't know. He just makes me feel...small. Like he knows better and what I feel is silly or inconsequential."

"So why do you stay with him? Surely he doesn't kiss that well," Tristan said wryly.

"I like him," Codi said truthfully. "He's funny and kind and I know he cares about me—he just gets carried away sometimes." Suddenly something occurred to her. "Tristan, how old are you?"

"I'll be twenty six this fall," Tristan answered, surprised. "Why?"

"You sound like a wise old man," Codi smiled. "Things are much clearer when you're around."

"That's because you're free to think when I'm around," Tristan said with a snort. "Somehow I doubt you do much thinking in Gawain's company."

"True enough," Codi admitted with a smile. Then her smile faded. "You think I shouldn't...carry on with him any more?"

"Codi," Tristan said exasperatedly, "you're completely missing the point. It doesn't matter what I think or what Gawain thinks or what anyone thinks. It matters what Codi thinks. What Codi wants."

Codi sighed. "If only I knew. I do care for him. A lot. But... I don't like the way I act when I'm with him. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect sense," Tristan assured her.

"I don't know what to do," Codi groaned. "I don't want to end it, but I don't want to feel like a child, either."

"You don't have to end it," Tristan said reasonably. "You could change it. You say you don't like the way you act when you with him, so change the way you act. Don't let him treat you like a child—then he can't make you feel like one."

"I suppose," Codi said dubiously.

"Just promise me one thing," Tristan said sternly. "Promise that, when you decide what you want, you won't let anyone gainsay you. That you'll stand up for yourself."

"I hear that a lot," Codi confessed. "My father always told me I needed to stand up for myself more."

"You should head him," Tristan told her. "Now, promise."

"Aye, aye," Codi said wearily. "I promise."

"Good lass." Tristan gave one of his rare grins and ruffled her hair, leaving her to her thoughts.

The next morning, Codi got up early and tacked up Moondancer. The guards didn't stop her at the gate, being used to her early morning rides. If it was a bit earlier today, they didn't seem to notice. Before she could lose her nerve, Codi urged Dancer toward the forest. They found a path leading in the proper direction and followed it, though it was little more than a deer trail.

Codi looked around apprehensively. This was completely different from the woods around her farm. For one thing, this was a forest. An old, old forest with towering oaks rather than the slender birches and maples she was used to. But, for once, the insistent longing, the emptiness did not drive her to the brink of insanity. It was still present, yes, but Codi was answering it's call. She felt as if it were a gentle, guiding hand on the small of her back rather than an angry, choking force around her neck.

Codi jumped in surprise as a raven passed inches above her head and settled on a low branch, cackling gleefully. Dancer snorted in annoyance but didn't spook, much to Codi's surprise and relief. They continued on through the dark, misty forest. Codi drew in a shaky breath, only just realizing that she had no means to defend herself. Although, she reasoned, Dancer could outrun almost anything that might come at them. She would have to trust her horse.

Suddenly, Codi stopped and looked around. They were no longer on the trail. Cursing softly, she gulped. What should she do? Stay put and hope someone would find her? Fat chance. No one knew where she'd gone. Tristan might think of it, but there was no reason for him to think something was amiss. Or, by the time it became clear that something was...Codi didn't even want to think about it.

A raucous cackle from over head startled her from her thoughts. A raven—the same one as before, perhaps?--peered down at her with bright, beady, black eyes and cackled again, taking flight. It settled on another branch and looked back at her expectantly. Codi sighed.

"Sure, why not?" she muttered, and followed. "Nothing better to do."

They followed the raven deep into the forest. Just when Codi was about to give up and—well, she didn't know just what she would do—a small cottage came into view. A few chickens wandered about and Codi could see a shed with a single cow inside. The raven fluttered down from his perch and settled on a slender, outstretched hand belonging to a tall, slender woman dressed in a deep purple dress and black cloak. Her hood was up.

"I've been waiting for you," she said softly, and lowered her hood. She had tears in her eyes. "Oh, Codi...you look so much like your father..."

Codi stared at the woman in consternation. How could she possibly know her father? And how did she know her name? Yet the woman seemed familiar, though Codi couldn't think why. Perhaps it was the strange markings at the corners of her eyes, which bore a slight resemblance to Tristan's. But no, it was more than that. Codi peered closely at the woman, but still could not quite put her finger on it.

"You don't remember me at all?" the woman asked sadly. "You were only three... but surely Nick kept pictures of me?"

"How do you know my father?" Codi demanded. She could feel the hair rise on the back of her neck. "How do you know me?"

"Codi, Codi," the woman murmured, shaking her head. "Don't you recognize your own mother?"