I'm sorry, but it had to be done! And Gawain will get over it. Eventually.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Codi lay in her mother's bed, panting and sweating.
"You didn't tell me it would hurt that much," she grunted.
"Oh, it wasn't that bad," Morgaine chided, gathering up soiled rags. "Just a bit of cramping."
"Worst fucking cramps I've ever had," Codi grumbled. "I don't want to know what sort of cramps you're used to."
"Language, miss," Morgaine said tartly, and brought her some hot broth. "Here, drink this."
Codi drank it down gratefully and lay back, looking at her mother with tired eyes. "I was so scared, Mother...even after the fever was gone I was so afraid. Gawain came--" Codi closed her eyes. "I barely recognized him. All I could see was—the others. I hurt him badly."
"Will you go back to him when you return?" Morgaine asked, though she was fairly sure of the answer.
"No," Codi said, closing her eyes. "I want no part of him...or any man. I don't want to go back."
"You don't have to go back until you're ready," Morgaine assured her. "As for wanting no man...don't speak too soon, my girl. Wounds heal, even those of the heart."
Codi only grunted.
"We'll see," Morgaine told her. "We'll see."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Codi spent the winter recovering her strength and learning more about tracking and healing with her mother. Codi eagerly learned all that Morgaine could teach her of fighting and defense, but it wasn't so much, really—she was a hunter and healer, not a warrior. Sometimes Codi thought of Vonora and her bastards and Arthur and his knights, but a cold hand seemed to grasp her heart whenever she thought of going back. During the long months, she learned what it was to really have a mother. It was one thing to visit every day—and quite another to live with her. But she came to love and cherish her mother nonetheless, just as much as if they had never been separated.
When spring came, Morgaine surprised her one day with a gift.
"It's your birthday," Morgaine told her, laughing. "Well, maybe not exactly...but it's early March. That's close enough."
"What is it?" Codi asked curiously, fingering the bundle of blankets in which the gift was concealed.
"Open it and see," Morgaine urged.
Codi complied and brought forth two long knives engraved with runes. She hefted one, grinning. The balance was perfect. She looked curiously at her mother.
"Where did you get these?" she asked.
"They were mine when I was somewhat younger," Morgaine said with a wry grin. "But you will have more need of them than I."
"Why?" Codi asked, startled.
Morgaine sighed. "Now that spring is on her way, I think it's time to send you to those who can give you a more...thorough education."
Codi frowned. "What do you mean?"
"The remains of my old village now resides some distance north of the Wall—not too far; perhaps three days' walk." Morgaine smiled. "The Woads will teach you what I cannot. I am no great fighter, myself."
"Are you coming with me?" Codi asked, almost fearfully.
"I will accompany you on the journey and visit with my family awhile, but then I will return here," Morgaine said. Seeing Codi's face, she added, "Codi, you're twenty years old. You're old enough to survive without your mama."
"How long?" Codi asked, unsure of how she felt about this news.
"As long as is necessary," Morgaine said simply.
"Necessary for what?"
"You'll know when it's time to come home," Morgaine told her, completely ignoring Codi's question. "Come, we must prepare."
"We're leaving now?"
Morgaine frowned at her. "No, not now...we still need to get ready, don't we?"
Codi rolled her eyes. "Fine," she muttered. "Be that way."
Mother and daughter trudged into the Woad village a few days later with Morgaine's raven fluttering over head. Codi had been extremely unhappy to learn that she must leave Moondancer with her mother, who promised to take good care of her. Dancer might be well cared for, Codi thought, but she had no doubt that the filly would be fat and out of shape the next time they saw one another. Morgaine had left enough hay for a few days for Dancer and the cow and had hinted that Tristan might drop by to take care of them while she was away.
They were greeted by a liberally tattooed old man who seemed suspiciously agile for one his age. Morgaine embraced him with a broad grin and gabbled something at him in a strange language. Inwardly, Codi groaned. Another language to learn, only from scratch this time. Wonderful. Well, she had wanted to study languages...
"Codi, this is my foster father," Morgaine said. Her grin was sly this time. "Merlin."
Codi jaw dropped open. "You're joking."
"No," Morgaine said, eyes twinkling. "All legends have some basis in fact."
"This is too bizarre," Codi muttered.
"Well, bizarre or not, he's your grandfather," Morgaine said. "Sort of. Say hello."
Codi greeted him in Old English and was relieved when he returned the greeting in the same tongue.
"Don't get too excited," Morgaine muttered. "He fully expects you to learn their language."
"You are welcome here, little one," he said solemnly. "We are your people. You must not forget that." Codi nodded, though she was kind of confused. Merlin continued, much less solemnly. "Come, you must be weary. And you shall meet my granddaughter. She will show you where to sleep."
"What is your granddaughter's name?" Codi asked as they walked, trying to make conversation. She noticed her mother grinning again.
"Guinevere," Merlin said proudly. "She is your cousin. Her mother was your mother's half sister."
"I have a cousin?" Codi asked delightedly. "That's wonderful."
"I think you'll get along," Morgaine said. "I haven't seen her in many years, but she was a sweet girl."
"She is sweet," Merlin agreed, "when she wishes to be."
"And when she does not?" Codi asked curiously.
Merlin shook his head, smiling fondly. "Woe to any who encounter her."
Morgaine elbowed her daughter in the ribs. "You could learn a thing or two from her. From what he's told me, she's the queen of Stand-Up-For-Yourself."
"Ah, here she is," Merlin said, indicating a girl built remarkably like Codi, but a bit taller. She had brown hair a little lighter than Codi's and warm, honey brown eyes. Codi could see tattoos snaking up one of her arms, which were bare despite the chill. A bow swung from her hand. "Guinevere, do you remember Morgaine?"
Guinevere smiled and embraced her mother's sister. "Vaguely. It's been years."
Morgaine laughed. "That it has. You've grown up."
"Who's this?" Guinevere asked, looking curiously at Codi.
"My daughter," Morgaine said proudly. "Codi."
"I have a cousin?" Guinevere exclaimed. "That's wonderful!"
Morgaine and Merlin laughed and Codi smiled shyly.
"What?" Guinevere asked in confusion. "What's funny?"
"I said the same thing," Codi told her.
Guinevere grinned at her. "Oh, that's odd! I'm so glad to have someone my age to talk to. All the other women are either married with children or practically children themselves."
"How old are you?" Codi asked curiously.
"I turned nineteen at midwinter," Guinevere explained. "Technically, I could have married ages ago, but I haven't found a man worth it yet."
"I just turned twenty," Codi said, "but it's close enough."
"Why aren't you married?" Guinevere asked, peering at Codi. "You're quite pretty."
Codi blinked in surprise. "Not really. The women—and most of the men—at the fort always said I look like a boy."
"Bah," Guinevere said scornfully. "The Britons like to marry pigs, not women."
"Why don't you take Codi home?" Merlin suggested pointedly. "Morgaine and I have things to discuss."
As Codi followed Guinevere through the village, her cousin continued to interrogate her.
"I notice you said most of the men," Guinevere said shrewdly. "Some didn't?"
"One," Codi said uncomfortably. "Gawain. He wanted to marry me."
"Why didn't you?"
"Certain—certain circumstances," Codi said, and looked away.
"You were raped, weren't you?" Guinevere asked bluntly, but her eyes were compassionate. "I know the look. My friend, Tari, was raped by a Roman soldier before she married."
"She got married?" Codi asked, taken aback. "After—after that?"
"A long time after," Guinevere elaborated. "A very long time. But yes."
Codi shuddered. "I want nothing to do with men," she said darkly. "Nothing."
"That's what she said, in the beginning," Guinevere told her. "But she healed, and was stronger. Of course, some never do heal. I think you will, though." Guinevere smirked and shoved Codi playfully. "You're my cousin, after all."
Codi grinned. She liked Guinevere's bouncy forthrightness. "Aye, well, we'll see. It would have to be an extremely worthwhile man."
"Why has your mother brought you here?" Guinevere asked, changing the subject as if the topic of men bored her. "Not that I'm complaining, mind, but twenty years seems a long time to wait for a visit."
"She's taught me all she can of fighting," Codi said with a grim set to her mouth. "I want to learn more—so no man will ever force me again. So no man will even think of it."
A fire lit in Guinevere's eyes as they stopped in front of a small house. "Aye, we can teach you that, and more. Here's the house and all that—you've your knives with you? We'll start now!"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Spring came and the forest seemed to explode with life. Codi felt like something inside her had exploded the same way. She hadn't felt so alive since the first time she had ridden a horse by herself. She spent her days with Guinevere and the other young women of the village, learning to fight two-handed with her knives—and without anything at all. She learned the language of her adopted people and made more friends than she'd ever had either at Hadrian's Wall or in West Virginia. The Woad women readily accepted her and Codi found that she could relax with them.
The same could not be said of the men. After months of being told she looked like a boy, Codi was surprised to find that she was attractive in the Woads' eyes. This knowledge did not please her and she did everything she could to discourage them. She soon had a reputation for being cold and grim. Once, some young buck thought he would try his luck and was shot down with a mercilessness that surprised Codi as much as the crushed young man. From then on, men began referring to her as "the she-wolf".
Still, Codi fit in easily with her mother's people and learned their customs and values—including a hatred of all things Roman. She was happy to hunt and run races and spar and flit through the trees—both on the ground and above it—like a wraith. The Woads were properly appreciative of her speed and agility, which served her well, whether it was in a fight or on the hunt. She even received a tattoo after she made her first major kill on her own. It had been almost an accident, really. Codi had been looking for some herbs Merlin wanted (he had taken over Codi's healing tutelage) when she came across a majestic old stag. He had barely moved as she shot him—in fact, she could have sworn he bowed his head to her as the shaft went home. Codi thanked and honored the stag as she had been taught and dragged it home with effort. Tattoos resembling antlers now spread over her shoulders from a knot design between her shoulder blades. Codi was intensely proud of it.
Soon after, on a cold, rainy day in late November, Guinevere bounced up to Codi and Tari, who were sparring, with a fierce grin on her fey face and announced that they were leaving. Tari returned her grin, but Codi frowned in confusion.
"Going where?" she asked.
"To fight," Tari told her with savage glee.
"Fight who?"
"There's a party of Romans--" Guinevere spat the name like an epithet "heading south to the Wall. Some fat lord grown weary of our company, no doubt."
"But we can't let them go so soon," Tari cried mockingly, and smiled evilly. "They'll never reach the Wall if we have anything to say of it. The Romans should never have come in the first place."
"But, since they have, they won't leave alive," Guinevere said harshly.
Codi felt her own excitement grow. The Romans were invaders and her people's mortal enemy. In the months she had been with the Woads, she had visited countless villages pillaged by the Romans to tend wounds and bury the dead. What she saw had sickened her—the Romans had killed men and children alike, but it was the women's fate that made her stomach churn. So many had been raped as she had been raped, but killed afterward or simply left to die. Codi hadn't been in battle yet, but now she found she was more than ready. Briefly, she thought of Arthur and his unwavering loyalty to Rome, but she pushed the thought from her mind.
"When are we leaving?" Codi asked.
"That's the spirit!" Guinevere cried. "We leave tomorrow at first light. They're still a couple of days away, so we'll meet them."
"And slaughter them like they've slaughtered us," Tari said grimly. As an after thought, she added, "I'd better go—my youngest isn't quite weaned yet."
Codi shook her head and followed Guinevere to the small house they shared with Merlin to prepare. The rest of the day was spent in a flurry of activity and they were ready before dawn the next morning. The journey was short and uneventful, but there was, once again, a burst of activity once they reached their campsite. When the work was done, several men and women danced around the fire and prayed while others, including Codi, prepared blue war-paint. She didn't feel like dancing—in fact, she felt kind of sick.
"What's wrong?" Guinevere asked, sitting beside her.
"Just nerves, I think," Codi replied with a weak smile.
Guinevere frowned. "Ask Merlin to mix you something before you go to sleep. It won't do for you to be tossing and turning all night."
"I will," Codi promised, and continued to mix paint.
As she worked, she thought of everything but the battle ahead. She wondered whether Arthur and his knights felt this way before battle. Probably not, she decided. They'd been doing it for more than a decade, after all. Codi sighed. She didn't want to go back, but...she missed them. She missed Lancelot's charm and Bors' dirty jokes and Tristan's quiet companionship and advice. She missed Dagonet and Arthur and Vonora and Galahad—and Gawain. Codi was surprised to find that she missed Gawain as much as any of her knights. The only things she didn't miss were his kisses and his marriage proposal.
"Thinking deep thoughts?" Guinevere asked lightly, returning once more.
"Not really," Codi sighed. "Just thinking about old friends."
"The Britons?" Guinevere inquired somewhat distastefully.
"Sarmatians," Codi corrected her absently. "They were drafted into the Roman army ten years ago."
"Arthur and his knights!" Guinevere breathed. "I've heard stories of them. They say Arthur's mother was a Briton."
"His heart belongs to Rome," Codi said, shaking her head.
"You miss them," Guinevere stated, searching Codi's face.
"Aye."
"Will you go back?"
Codi shrugged. "Someday, perhaps. Not anytime soon."
"Good," Guinevere said. "I don't want to lose my cousin so soon."
Codi flashed her a grin. "You won't get rid of me that easily."
"Come on," Guinevere laughed. "We should get some sleep. We've a long day ahead of us tomorrow."
Codi did as her cousin suggested and went to Merlin. He listened silently while she explained her trouble, then motioned for her to sit in front of him. Codi sat somewhat nervously, seeing that her foster-grandfather was in one of his 'mystical moods', as she called them. His eyes were unfocused yet eerily sharp at the same time. Merlin took her face in his hands. He was looking straight into Codi's eyes and yet there was no eye contact—it was as if he were looking right through her.
"There is a power inside you," he murmured. "A great force waiting to be let loose." Merlin's eyes seemed to see into her very soul. "A wolf—yes, a fierce she wolf, swift and strong. Loyal to the death and quick to protect what is hers."
This wasn't what she had come for, Codi thought uneasily. "Merlin--?"
"Let her loose," Merlin said intently. "Let loose the wolf inside you. You have come far, little one, but still you cling to your past. Shake off the chains that bind you and know yourself free. Only then can you know true happiness."
Abruptly, awareness came back into Merlin's eyes. He smiled at her and handed her a mug from beside the fire. "Here, I thought you might need this," he said. "It will bring you sleep."
Deeply confused, Codi drank down the potion and went to the tent she and Guinevere were sharing with a couple of other women. As promised, the potion brought her sleep—a little too quickly. Codi fell asleep sprawled halfway across Guinevere's pallet with one boot still on.
The she wolf stalked her prey slowly, placing each foot with infinite care and patience. The doe was small—she could take it on her own. A fire burned within her chest. She needed no one—no mate, no pack—she was a free soul. The she wolf's eyes blazed as she crept silently closer. She would make this kill—she would run the doe to the ground and rip out her throat. She was fast and strong, but the she wolf was faster and stronger still. She wanted the kill—wanted it, needed it—she was so hungry--
Codi awoke abruptly, breathing hard. What in the world was that about? She could still feel the she-wolf's hunger—the need for the kill as well as the food. The deer's scent was still in her nostrils. Codi sat up and saw that Guinevere was still asleep. It was dark outside, but she knew it would be time to get up soon, anyway. Codi tugged on the one boot she had managed to get off the night before and slipped outside.
Merlin was waiting for her at a small fire. He looked up at her solemnly and offered her a bowl of soup. She ignored it.
"What did you give me last night?" she snapped.
"Just the sleeping drought," Merlin replied, puzzled. "Why?"
Codi's anger fled, leaving her unsettled and confused. "I—I dreamed--"
"Ah," Merlin said, eyes lighting up. "What did you dream?"
Codi told him, describing the intense sensations and unsettling clarity of her dream. Merlin listened silently and nodded when she finished.
"That was none of my doing," he told her. "You would do well to pay heed to such dreams—they are of the gods."
Codi nodded, not wanting to offend him, but mentally rolled her eyes. Sent from the gods, indeed. She ate the soup and drank a cup of hot tea as the camp began to wake up. Codi had expected to feel at least nervous, if not panic stricken, as they prepared to attack. Yet she felt oddly calm as Merlin dotted and decorated her face with blue war paint. It was as if she had gone somewhere else and left a void that was waiting to be filled. But by what?
Codi had her answer as they flitted through the wood like wraiths. She felt uncomfortably familiar sensations began to creep through her veins. It was just adrenaline, she assured herself. It had nothing to do with dreams. It was simply nerves, and chemicals, and fight-or-flee instincts—purely human instincts—that was setting her blood on fire.
They stopped at the edge of the wood and waited silently until they could see a party of Romans approaching through pockets of mist. Something inside Codi stirred. Prey. Codi's eyes narrowed and her lip rose in a silent snarl. She would make her kill. She would prove to everyone—and to herself—that she could take charge of her own fate. That no man would—could—ever again force her. She would prove herself strong enough, fierce enough, to be free.
As a single entity, the raiding party erupted from the wood and fell upon the startled Roman soldiers. They were stunned for a moment only. They quickly came to their senses and fought with an intensity that Codi threw back at them tenfold. Whatever she lacked in size and strength, she made up for with speed, agility, and utter ferocity. She never stopped to think; she moved from one opponent to the next, slashing and ducking and stabbing.
A soldier knocked Codi's knife from her hand. She flew straight at him, ducking under his sword, and lunged at him. His horse shied away, unbalancing him and allowing Codi to pull him out of the saddle. Baring her teeth, she raked her nails across his face and dug them into his eyes. The soldier screamed, clutching his face, and staggered away.
Hesitating a moment only, Codi snatched up a discarded spear and small battle ax and swung into the saddle. She held the reins out of the way with her teeth and guided the horse with her knees, urging him toward the other mounted soldiers. Codi swung the ax into an unsuspecting soldier's neck and left it there—it was too heavy, anyway. Codi grinned savagely at the shock on the Romans' faces and fought on with her spear until she heard Merlin's horn signal a retreat. Why? she wondered. They were winning--
Codi looked to the south and saw seven riders approaching at full speed. Stomach twisting, she slid out of the saddle and darted back into the wood. The fire that had coursed through her before and during the battle was fading—horror and nausea were quickly taking its place. She looked around frantically for Guinevere and Tari and breathed a sigh of relief to see them unharmed, although filthy and covered in blood.
"You're hurt," Merlin murmured, suddenly appearing beside her.
"What? Oh--" Codi stared dumbly at the blood seeping from her shoulder. "I never even noticed--"
"It is nothing serious," Merlin assured her. "But it should be attended to. Come."
Codi looked back only once as he led her away. Arthur and Lancelot were helping a lady and her small son onto horses while the others aided the wounded. Tristan looked up and seemed to be staring right at her—but he merely scanned the tree line and turned his attention back to his patient. Unsmiling, Codi turned and faded into the forest.