EPISODE FIVE: McGonagall's such a killjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I'm in love with my classmate ---- ----- --, and I don't know what to do! Yelp! I'm in love again!
McGonagall was nowhere to be seen when the seventh years filed inside the Transfiguration classroom. The first thing that caught the students' attentions was the giant flat screen in front of the room. Then there was also the projector all the way at the back. And on the corners of the ceiling were tiny but hi-tech Digital Audio Surround speakers. Draco, Ron and the others who were never oriented on the wonders of the Muggle world were sooo amused that they squealed like little girls while examining the screen and the projector.
Suddenly, a noise as loud as a volcanic eruption (okay, so this is over-exaggeration) burst throughout the classroom; everyone shrieked and jumped at least three feet high (Pansy and Ron were, again the loudest screamers; Harry and Draco were the highest jumpers) in surprise.
"The sky is falling!" shouted some of the Hufflepuffs (particularly Hannah).
"It's the end of the world!" Crabbe and Goyle screamed loudly while running around like headless chickens. Pansy was crying hard and loud as she hid under a table; Ron was clinging on a pillar for dear life, and Draco peed in his pants.
Some of the students, particularly the Gryffindors, ran towards the door while screaming their heads off. "Abandon room!" Neville called out. He, Seamus, Lavender, Dean and Parvati were trying to pry the door open (which had magically sealed itself shut when the whole class had already entered) but to no avail.
Harry was bemusedly gazing at the crowd, smirking and shaking his head as if he thought they were just a bunch of children playing tag. There were a few minutes of pandemonium before a whistle was blown by the ever-depended-upon Gryffindor Head Girl Hermione Granger. Everyone fell silent.
"My dear idiots," Hermione said as if starting a State of the Nation Address, "I regret to inform you that you are all idiots and that someday your idiotness will be the cause of your deaths. IT'S JUST THE SPEAKERS, YOU IDIOTS! THOSE BLACK TINY THINGS AT THE CORNERS OF THE CEILING? THEY'RE MEANT TO BE DEVICES THAT GIVE OFF DIGITAL AUDIO! THAT LOUD NOISE WAS JUST THE SPEAKERS BEING TUNED UP!"
Harry chuckled as Hermione finished her speech, breathing heavily and her face as red as a tomato with rage. The whole class looked like they were suddenly under a trance, gaping at Hermione with wide-open eyes (Neville was even drooling).
The speakers boomed out McGonagall's voice: "Alright, settle down everyone! If you could all just sit down, we could begin the film-showing now. The devices you see are bewitched so that they may work inside the school premises."
When everyone was already seated, the lights went off (everyone screamed again and Hermione blew the whistle again). Two blue spotlights turned on and silhouetted a female figure on the center front of the classroom. She had a feather sash around her shoulders, and she was obviously wearing boots with feathers on the lining and a skimpy one-piece entrada that showed off pale, white legs.
The boys were ecstatic. They catcalled and whistled while some others yelled "Striptease!" The girls were all curious and somber; Hermione's eyebrows even shot so high that it was in danger of either falling off or sticking permanently on the upmost part of her forehead. Just what is going on!
Suddenly, the supposedly fun show turned into a horror creepshow when the lights focused on the stripteaser's face.
"Professor McGonagall!" the seventh years all gasped in unison.
Just as then, a seductive music flowed out of the speakers. Professor McGonagall's hips swayed as she sang with the music. "I'm too sexy for my love… Too sexy for my love, love's going to leave you… Yeah… Yeah…"
The crowd went wild and screamed… not because of fun but because of horror. "Please, stop it!" the boys all screamed, all shielding their eyes from the horrible wrinkly flobberworm that was dancing seductively in front of them.
"Oh, the torture!" screamed Ron as he squeezed his eyes shut and banged his head repeatedly on his desk. Draco, meanwhile, had his inhaler out for he just had another asthma attack; he was breathing heavily on it while covering his eyes with his palms. Harry and Hermione were muttering profanities while they blocked McGonagall from their views using the hem of their robes.
"I'm too sexy for my cat… Too sexy for my cat… For pussy, for pussy cat… I'm too sexy for this song."
At last, McGonagall had finished her production number and bowed. When nobody clapped, she shrieked "WHAT DOES A WOMAN HAVE TO DO TO EARN CLAPS FROM STUPID MORONS LIKE YOU?" Everybody clapped and whistled.
"There, that's better," she said while everybody released sighs of relief. "I was just trying to liven up the lesson."
She slid on her normal robes and flicked on a switch near the door. The projector turned on and flashed on a ten-second countdown during which Prof. McGonagall gave a brief scope of the lesson, her back facing the screen.
"During the Medieval period," she began, "different Monarchies from different parts of Britain felt the need to reproduce heirs for as many as they can for there are threats to the lives of the royal family members. Transfiguration was briefly considered during this time, mainly for protection to the royal family. Peasants were sacrificed-"
The room collectively gasped, which McGonagall thought was because of the facts she was presently stating. Also, she thought she heard moaning, groaning and clapping sounds from somewhere she couldn't decipher. Nevertheless, she continued. "Yes, children, they were sacrificed to be transfigured into the exact replica of the royal family…"
The moaning, groaning and clapping sounds grew evidently louder by the second and McGonagall was starting to get pissed off. "Please keep quiet while I am talking. Anyway, a large group of rebels protested against that horrid act. They say that to be able to produce more heirs, they must REPRODUCE!"
"Oh yes, baby, yes… Ahhh…"
McGonagall's last thread of patience wore off by the sound that she had just heard. "You perverts!" she yelled at the children. "I teach you in the darkness and there is nothing you can think of but acts of perversion! Thinking about it is one thing but doing it in front of a teacher is another! The Deputy Headmistress! I am an authority!"
"Yeah, baby… Yeah…" the moans, groans and claps continued.
"Uhm, Professor?" said Hermione hesitantly with her hand raised. "The sounds that irritate you are from the film."
Sure enough, McGonagall almost had a heart attack when she saw that the movie being played was not the educational documentary she had programmed. Currently showing was a pornography film. No wonder the entire class was incredibly silent and attentive all that time.
"Oops," said McGonagall. "Wrong tape. Excuse me," she said and approached the projector at the back of the class to fix it for a while. Hermione muttered "Stupid old maid" audibly as the students chatted excitedly about what had just happened.
"That position was not even in the Kama Sutra!" said Ernie MacMillan delightedly.
"How did you know?" asked Justin Finch-fletchey, his eyebrows raised questioningly.
"Of course I do! I memorized the whole book!"
"Ernie, you are Head Boy, for Christ's sake!" said Hermione, fuming.
"Did you see that girl? I think I've already seen her once or twice before…" said Ron thoughtfully.
"Duh, Ron. She works at Flourish and Blotts!" Harry butted in.
"It's a scandal!" said Draco hysterically. Seamus and Dean, whose tables were right beside Harry and Hermione's, nodded in agreement.
"I had it fixed now, everyone!" said McGonagall. "Don't go telling off what had just taken place, clear?"
Another look at Lavender and Parvati and we read trouble! Uh-oh! Secret no more!
The film (the real, documentary one) began to play. Everyone got bored immediately (it was a black and white film, for crying out loud!), add to the mix the monotonous voice of their old professor. Even Hermione fell asleep in Harry's shoulder!
Midway through the film, a parchment was (yet again) shoved up on Harry's face. Yay! Another chatroom… in the dark?
CHATROOM 505.709887
MODERATOR: ERNIE MACMILLAN
>prefect666
Message: Man! I still can't shake off McGonagall's belly-dancing image off of my mind! Anyways, let me tell you all how this chatroom works: You tap your quill with your wand, say "Neonus!" and presto! Your quill will write using glow-in-the-dark ink! The spell lasts for a good two hours! Aren't I genius?
Footnote: PIGSNOUT, THIS REALLY IS GONNA BE A BAD DAY!
>pigsnout
Message: Yeah, yeah… Hannah Abbot here…
Footnote: SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS IS GONNA BE A BAD DAY…
>harrythehippogriff
Message: Good thing Draco brought his inhaler along, or we'd be on our way to the hospital right now. Harry Potter here, by the way…
Footnote: I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU AND YOUR BLOODY ARSE.
>drakiemahdear
Message: Pansy the pretty here… It's all the Gryffindor's Head of House's fault! If she hadn't tried showing off her elephant-skin-like legs!
Footnote: I LOVE DRACO MALFOY!
>imaballerina246
Message: For once in my whole life, I agree with Pansy… BTW, Ernie, the spell's great! Hermione Granger here…
Footnote: I GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO SAY I GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
>Cleansweep2005
Message: You mean to tell me that Malfoy's asthma attack was real? It looked like it was only an act!
Footnote: YEEHAWW!
>Chavo
Message: Who the bloody-hell is Cleansweep2005? Of course it was real! You think I'm a terrible actor? Well, duh for you! Draco Malfoy online…
Footnote: I LOVE GINNY WEASLEY…
>Prettypadma
Message: Padma here… B-b-but you play Quidditch! How come you never have asthma attacks while airborne?
Footnote: NOBODY KNOWS I SNOG IN THE LOOS! WAHAHA!
>Chavo
Message: Yeah, well… If you've got your balls currently occupied you wouldn't pay much attention to your breathing…
Footnote: I LOVE GINNY WEASLEY…
>brownishlavender
Message: Lavender here… Don't pay much attention to Cleansweep2005, he's such a rude character.
Footnote: BROWNISH LAVENDER SNOGGING IN THE LOOS!
>sadisticflirt
Message: Awww, poor Seamus… Here, lemme kiss your boo-boo… It's your darling, Parvati…
Footnote: I CAUGHT BROWNISH LAVENDER SNOGGING IN THE LOOS!
>ilovegoldfish
Message: That girl from the porn film… Is she a salesgirl from Flourish and Blotts? Anthony Goldstein asking here…
Footnote: I LOVE GOLDFISH. GET IT?
>corporealpatronus
Message: Susan Bones online… Yeah, she is. As a matter of fact, I saw her flirting with Snape!
Footnote: WHATCHA DOIN' IN MY BATH TUB!
>kitty-eyes
Message: He what!
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>corporealpatronus
Message: Yeah, I saw them flirting… And her hand was up his thigh…
Footnote: WHATCHA DOIN' IN MY BATH TUB!
>Pukinpastilles
Message: I just woke up, people… Ronald Weasley here… And who's kitty-eyes?
Footnote: SUP, LADIES. I CAN MAKE YOU DROOL.
>kitty-eyes
Message: Never mind that now. Anyways, SNAPE was flirting with another whore? Since when?
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>billybobbobbybill
Message: Millicent here… Anyways, I think I saw that too… They were at Starlab Café, weren't they? Was I with you at that time, Pansy?
Footnote: BILLYBOB… BOBBYBILL…
>vincentcrabbe
Message: Ye, yuo wear wid mee, end Pansei ent Greggy end alsowe Theodoor end Blaeice.
Footnote: SLITHERYN HAUSE RULEZ!
>nottyourordinaryguy
Message: Translation from troll language to English: 'Yeah, you were with me, and Pansy and Greggy and also Theodore and Blaise.' It's me, Theodore!
Footnote: AND ANOTHER STUPID FOOTNOTE…
>blueeyeswhitedragon
Message: Blaise here! Yeah, we saw that, didn't we? Neville saw it too, duh!
Footnote: I AINT NO FILTHY LITTLE MUDBLOOD.
>Nevilleshortbottom
Message: Yeah, and she was practically sucking his oxygen from his mouth!
Footnote: SOME STUPID FOOTNOTE.
>brownishlavender
Message: Erm, Neville? How did you come to see it?
Footnote: BROWNISH LAVENDER SNOGGING IN THE LOOS!
>Nevilleshortbottom
Message: I met the Slytherins along the way and I hung out with them…
Footnote: SOME STUPID FOOTNOTE.
>greggygoyle
Message: Thei wear splitin a bananana spleet.
Footnote: MY DONG IS AS HEALTHY AS MY ARSE, THANKS.
>kitty-eyes
Message: Why that big buffoon! He splits banana splits with me, only me! Or at least, that's what he says…
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>harrythehippogriff
Message: You're having an affair with Snape? Just who the sickening-hell are you, anyway?
Footnote: I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU AND YOUR BLOODY ARSE.
>kitty-eyes
Message: Why, Harry James Potter! I am surprised by your behavior! You have a Head Boy badge! And why are you all being stupid? Is it that hard to guess who I am?
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>scaredofsnakes
Message: Justin Finch-Fletchey here… I performed a spell on myself, causing me to sleep for over an hour so I wouldn't have to endure the crazily traumatic Strip show…
Footnote: AU CONTRAIRE, SNAKES ARE QUITE LOVELY… NOT.
>kitty-eyes
Message: I'm getting angry now, students…
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>fulhamfootballfanatic
Message: Seamus, why didn't you wake me up? You know I drool in my sleep! Now my cheeks are sticky, you idiot! Oops, sorry…
Footnote: "CAN I HAVE A LOOK AT URANUS?"
>Cleansweep2005
Message: Duh, Dean! I'm not an alarm clock, as Hermione's "I'm not an owl!" in her latest movie…And I'm ready to bet my virginity that Hermione and Kitty-eyes is the same person!
Footnote: YEEHAWW!
>imaballerina246
Message: Har, har... Sorry to break the news to you guys, but I'm not kitty-eyes! Swear!
Footnote: I GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO SAY I GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
>ihavecutefreckles
Messsage: Hermione, I know McGonagall's performance is traumatic but it's not enough to drive all of us stupid! You're kitty-eyes! Just admit it!
Footnote: I HAVE CUTE FRECKLES. I GOT THEM FROM THE SUN.
>imaballerina246
Message: Eloise, I AM NOT KITTY-EYES! That's not my penmanship! Will somebody back me up?
Footnote: I GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO SAY I GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
>kitty-eyes
Message: I am so totally not Ms. Granger! And my –er- McGonagall's performance is so like totally hot!
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>bootterryboot
Message: Are you guy or girl? If girl, then I really really REALLY think that you're Mione! If you're guy, then SHAME ON YOU! Haven't you seen the hairs that grew one-foot long on her legs!
Footnote: I SNOGGED PRETTYPADMA IN THE LOOS!
>Pukinpastilles
Message: You should really tell me who you are! Together, we could pool our money and buy McGonagall a Hair Removing Mousse from the Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes!
Footnote: SUP, LADIES. I CAN MAKE YOU DROOL.
>imaballerina246
Message: Uhm… Why's McGonagall not discussing anymore?
Footnote: I GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO SAY I GOT WHAT IT TAKES.
>kitty-eyes
Message: Probably because she's chatting with all of you as well…
Footnote: WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO MY LECTURE?
>harrythehippogriff
Message: So downright creepy if she is… Hello, Prof. McGonagall! Tell me, do you need a pole for your Striptease?
Footnote: I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU AND YOUR BLOODY ARSE.
"Why thank you, Mr. Potter. That was very thoughtful of you, seeing as I badly need something to shove up your fat, stinky butts!"
"You're welcome, professor…" Harry started, but ceased with his eyes wide open as he realized who it was who spoke behind him. He slowly turned his head around and saw a smirking McGonagall. The others, too, slowly turned to face their professor, apparently too transfixed to move or speak.
"Expect me to have neither kitty-eyes nor kitty-mercy later at 7:00 P.M. in the dungeons, where I will show you all where you shall serve detention," said McGonagall, her eyes watering with rage.
Uh-oh!
(Okay, here goes: I am so terribly sorry for not updating that long! Really really REALLY sorry! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!)
(About this chapter, I know it's plain insane and pointless, but don't sue me! I worked hard for this! And I've got a new fic out. It's entitled "The Big Snowball Competition" and it's also under HHr Humor! Please read and review, pipz!)
(Also, I'm starting to like the ship Fred Weasley/Hermione Granger! I think it's cute… But nothing beats HHr! I guess I felt kinda disappointed with the conclusion of the ships in Half-blood Prince… HG and RH is kinda revolting for my taste… No offense to shippers out there! I'm only stating an opinion, after all… And don't flame, please! Oh, tres horibles flamers!)
(Next chapter: A chatroom during detention? With a powerful spell supervising the students, how can this be? And a lovers' quarrel ensues! Weee… excited yet?)