Chapter 5 – Painful Memories

Olivia's cell phone had been ringing non-stop since she left the station about an hour ago. Most likely Elliot checking up on her and making sure she's okay. But she didn't want to talk to anyone. She just needed time to sort everything out. So, after Cragen had ordered her to take the rest of the day off and Elliot, Munch and Fin had promised to find out who currently had custody of Mackenzie, she left. Although she was a bit skeptical about why they were all so willing to help. There was the fact that it was part of their job, but Olivia sensed that it was more than that. But since only Elliot knew about Olivia's involvement with the girl's mother, she chalked it up to the fact that Alex was once one of their own and as far as everyone else was concerned, she and Olivia were best friends.

"She has a daughter." Olivia cried through free flowing tears as she drove down the busy New York street.

Ironically, not even three weeks prior to Alex's unfortunate brush with fate, they had discussed having children.

It was a typical Friday night. Olivia was sitting on the couch watching TV and Alex was curled up on the other end of the couch reading a book. When a commercial came on, she lowered the volume and turned to Alex. "Alie?"

"Hmm?" Alex answered, looking up from her book, her glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose.

"What's the story tonight?"

Alex moved the book so that Olivia could see the cover. "A Mother's Love."

"What's it about?"

"If you would let me finish reading it, I could tell you." She joked. Then at the look on Olivia's face, she gave her a real answer. "It's about this sixteen year-old girl who gets pregnant." Olivia motioned for her to go on. "Well, it starts off with her telling her parents. And them being the uptight bastards that they are, tell her to get an abortion and when she refuses, they kick her out. Then she goes to her boyfriend and tells him hoping that he would help them. But he doesn't believe that the baby's his and dumps her. So, she is forced to move-in with her abusive grandparents. Then, the baby is born two and a half months early and there are all sorts of complications. Once the baby is released from the hospital, everything seems to be going great until the grandparents can't stand the crying and kick them both out…But to make a long story short, It's about a mother's fight to keep her daughter."

"And you're trying to make me feel guilty for interrupting you when you've probably read this story like twenty times."

Alex smiled and went back to reading. "Twenty-two actually."

Olivia shook her head and went back to watching TV. "Why am I not surprised?"

Olivia turned the ignition off and began her walk to the building. "I just don't understand why she didn't tell me."

A bunch of babies in diapers suddenly raided the television screen. There was no mistaking the advertising there. "Hey Al."

"Am I ever going to get to finish this book?"

Olivia ignored the comment. "Have you ever thought about having kids?"

Alex didn't answer for a little bit longer than absolutely necessary, but Olivia figured that she was finishing a sentence. "Yeah." She answered shakily as she closed the book. "Why?"

"Well I've just been thinking lately." She turned the television off and moved so that she was facing Alex, only to be met by a questioning glance. "Don't look at me like this is totally out of the blue. I meanI'm almost40. I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to have a few kids before I'm eligible for senior citizen's discounts."

Alex had to stifle a laugh. "That time's coming up pretty soon isn't it?"

Olivia playfully slapped Alex's knee. "Stop it, I'm serious. I think this is a topic that we should seriously talk about."

She practically breezed up the stairs to the fourth floor, still muttering to herself. "We talked about this. She could have brought her up any time."

Alex sat up and put the book down on the end table. "All right, lets talk about this. You want to have kids?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to be the one who actually has them?"

She had already thought about the subject and had an answer ready. "Well, with my job and age I think it would be a lot safer for you to. Just think about it. I'm a cop. I work ridiculous hours and I'm constantly put in a position that, quite frankly, I could never make it out of." Alex winced. "I'm sorry sweetie, but it's true. It comes with the job…But you practically get to make your own hours and all precautions are taken to ensure your safety. And if I was pregnant, I wouldn't get to do my job because I'd be riding a desk, but if you were pregnant, you'd still be able to do your job."

"She doesn't look as pale today." Olivia stated, looking down at the lifeless form of her lover's daughter.

Alex thought for a minute. "You make a good argument detective. So, if I'm going to be squeezing these kids out, how many are you thinking about?"

"I don't know, but I've always wanted more than one. I grew up an only child and it wasn't fun. You're always lonely because there's no one to play with, no one to share your secrets with…no one to confide in. I want to have at least two. That way no matter what happens to us, they'll always have each other."

"She's doing a lot better." The doctor said. "Her surgery went well and she's reacting better than expected to the treatment."

"Well" Alex began. "Two's not going to work with me. I grew up with it just being me and my sister and it's just as lonely. But with more, they learn to depend on each other."

"Hmmm. Well. What do you want? Have you always wanted to have a little princess or prince…or both?"

"I've always wanted all girls. Most of my little cousins were boys, so I've always been around baby boys. I think a house full of little girls will be cute. And besides, I just love those little pink frilly dresses."

"You have no idea how much you look like your mother." Olivia spoke to the girl. Even though she couldn't respond, the doctor said that she could hear. "I knew there was something about you and this is it. You two are built the same way. Both tall and thin, you even have her face. Your hair's a little darker and your eyes are a different color, but dye your hair and add color contacts and you're a younger version of your mother." Olivia had to fight back a wave of tears as emotions threatened to overcome her.

"That would be cute." Olivia agreed. "And I grew up with boys, so I think it would be great to have girls. Instead of your traditional boy sports, it'd be great to go to ballet, gymnastics and ice skating."

"What about names?" Alex asked.

"I've always liked 'elle' names. Like Isabelle and Gabrielle."

"Those are pretty. I've always liked 'M' and 'N' names." She swallowed. "Like Mackenzie, Madison, Natalie, Nicole. And maybe we could use our mothers' names for middle names."

"Serena and Sophia are cute names. I'd have no objections to that."

"And I thought I was the one who made the objections." Alex interjected.

"Oh, jeeze." Olivia said and then thought for a minute. "What would their last name be?"

Alex laughed. "Benson-Cabot or Cabot-Benson I guess."

"Should you call her grandparents?" Casey asked. Elliot had called and told her what happened and because he couldn't leave work and Casey knew of Olivia and Alex's history he figured that it would be good for her to talk to Olivia.

"No. Her grandfather died before I met Alex and her grandmother just left for a dog show in Florida. I have no way of contacting her now. I'll try in two weeks." From previous experience, Olivia knew that she usually stayed at dog shows for about two to three weeks. "Casey." She began. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Well, the statute on kidnapping expired years ago."

"Not on kidnap 1."

"We'll have to wait until she wakes up to be able to tell if her kidnapper terrorized her or not. But she might not even be living with the person or persons kidnapped her. She could have been adopted afterwards by people who had no idea that she was kidnapped."

"Oh, they knew." Olivia shook her head. "Why do you think that they didn't file a missing person's report? Because they knew that if they did, it would come out that she was kidnapped. Or why they haven't come forward when she's been all over the news." She had been on the news, but so far the press had no idea that she's the daughter of the former Assistant District Attorney Alex Cabot, and everyone planned on keeping it that way. "Oh, they knew alright."