Calvin entered town that afternoon and went into the auditorium. Lots of people of all ages were there. He approached the signup sheet and wrote his name down. Then he looked around for the one in charge.
"I SEEK THE LEADER OF THIS SISSY PLAY!" he shouted.
Some guy wearing poofy brown pants and strange hat approached him. "May I help you?" he asked.
Calvin arched an eyebrow. "Why aren't you grumpy like everyone else?"
"Because I'm a good actor! I know that one day my acting skills will drag me out of this RAT HOLE TOWN! But until then, I'm suppressing it until the season is over. Now, what may I do for you?"
Calvin rolled his eyes and looked at him.
"I'd like a role in your stupid play, please."
"Well, we're doing the Christmas Carol this year," said the director. "Any particular role you'd like to play?"
"Well, I'm not too clear on the story, but I think a good role for me would be the guy who gets the message across about Christmas."
"That would have to be the one known as Bob Cratchet, the poor man that works for Ebenezer Scrooge."
"I see. How much time does he get onstage?"
"About ten minutes per each of scenes."
"Perfect! That should be enough to get my message across," Calvin decided.
"What message?"
Calvin looked around uneasily.
"Um, I plan to yell 'Hi, Mom!' like those guys on the Super Bowl."
"Okay, well, have fun."
The director walked away to see to some matters.
"Excellent," Calvin grinned. "At this rate I shall have saved Christmas. Now I just need to figure out what it is that I'm going to say."
"Maybe you could say that you're an utter loser," said Susie, who was passing by.
Calvin shot Susie a look. "You just wait, Derkins! By this Saturday, I will have brought the joy of December 25 to this sad little town, and Santa will bring me all the gifts I asked for! That'll prove that I'm not some utter loser! IT IS YOU WHO IS THE UTTER LOSER, DERKINS! BWA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"
After all the yelling was finally over, he simply scratched the back of ear and walked back down the street towards his house, not noticing passers looking at him.
Once he was home, Calvin entered the kitchen.
"Hey, Mom? I'm going to be in the pageant this Saturday, so I'll need a costume. I'm playing some guy named Crotchet."
"Calvin, I'm too busy to concentrate on a stupid play," Mom replied. "I'm busy with baking."
"What for?"
"Well, baking is a Christmas tradition. There are cakes, cookies, pies, fudge, you name it."
Calvin reached for a cookie.
"And what are you doing?" Mom asked, glaring at him.
"Just keeping the tradition alive."
"No cookies, Calvin. I made them; I'll eat them."
"Well, that's not fair!"
"Oh, yeah?" Mom growled. She took a cookie and ate it right in front of Calvin's face.
"Oh, that hurts," Calvin replied.
So while Mom was turned away, Calvin swiped one of the chocolate fudge pies and snuck it upstairs.
Hobbes was upstairs reading a comic book.
"I wonder what Amazon Girl would look like if she had a goatee," he pondered, pulling out his fountain pen.
Calvin burst into the room, and Hobbes threw the comic book to the floor.
"Pie, Hobbes?"
"Yes, please."
Calvin placed the pie on the bed and they started to eat it.
"Okay, so I'm playing the role of a Rob Crotchet in the Christmas Carol," Calvin said. "He's supposed to get the message out of what Christmas really means."
"He says that Christmas is about love and giving," Hobbes said.
"Well, I'll have to edit the script a little," Calvin decided.
"HEY! MY PIE IS GONE! CALVIN!" Mom shouted.
Calvin and Hobbes dove their faces into the pie and started to snarf it down. In three seconds, it was gone.
Mom barged upstairs and burst into the bedroom.
"Calvin, where's my pie?" she asked in a dangerous calm.
"Uh, in the kitchen?"
"No, I had five pies, and now there are four. Where is it?"
"I dunno. Maybe you should check with Dad."
Mom scowled and left the room.
Hobbes clutched his stomach. "Okay, maybe we shouldn't have eaten it so fast," he moaned.
Calvin groaned. "Yeah, ain't Christmas great?"
And with that, they went to the treehouse.
"Okay, now that our little moment of indigestion is over, we need to figure out what it is that I'm exactly going to say."
"How about 'Cheer up for my own selfish reasons'?" suggested Hobbes.
"Hobbes, how about being serious for once? The fate of my presents is resting on this."
"Yeah, sure. How about 'it's not about spending money on a bunch of junk you'll find in their closet years later; it's about spending time with your loved ones and showing them you care'."
Calvin and Hobbes looked at each other for a brief moment before they burst out laughing.
"Okay, that was funny. But really, what should I say?"
"Let's watch a lot of Christmas specials and find out."
"But we only get basic television. We don't even have basic cable! It's just basic free television."
"That's the problem with your dad. He's always been cheap. He's never bought anything that he thought he could get for free."
"Yeah, he's never been easy to go shopping with. He thinks a twenty-five cent jawbreaker is overpriced."
"So that's why he's been cranky during the holidays: he gets uptight over prices!" Hobbes said.
"Yeah, and Mom is over-the-top because of all that baking she has to do!" said Calvin.
Calvin and Hobbes paused for a moment.
"Hobbes, I have a new plan! How about we find out what everyone's problems are, and then fix them! That'll be easier than a stupid play!"
"But you already signed up!"
"I'll drop out and have the understudy take my place. After the onion incident, I don't think I should be onstage."
"And how."
"CALVIN!" This time, Dad had just angrily shouted his name.
Calvin quickly ducked down in the treehouse.
Dad stomped outside and looked up. "I see your hair, Calvin."
"Tis the price for beauty," Calvin muttered.
Hobbes rolled his eyes.
"Calvin, did you accuse me of stealing a pie?" Dad demanded.
"Dad, you're about as guilty as a fat cat in a canary cage," Calvin replied.
"What did you say?" Dad asked through clenched teeth.
"Just name the punishment and be done with it."
Calvin was in his room seconds later with Hobbes being thrown in with him.
"That was smooth," Hobbes muttered.