Hello my pretties. You knew you couldn't escape! Hey I have a review! And here to comment on my comment is Tristan himself:
zigguratank- Yes go me! And you bet those Doom characters can go insane (and probably will later!)
On to the chappie!
Chapter 3: AC of Doom!
And so Tristan began the horrific task of- THINKING! gasp
"Hmmm, Tristan thought aloud. "I could always just call for an appointment to talk to Kaiba and steal everything that he ever had… But that's not insane and random enough. I KNOW! I'll need an army of pink ducks and an Air Conditioner!"
Luckily for Tristan, he had a 'Pink Duck Army and Air Conditioner Mart' two blocks down the street. So he went and got that stuff, got hit in the head with a beaver and manically laughed all the way home.
"NOW MY PLAN WILL BE COMPLETE! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA," he laughed as he unpackaged his new AC. With a permanent marker, he wrote the words DOOM on it, making it 4000 more evil. Then he turned to his pink duck army. "Attention pink ducks! Right now it is humanely impossible to give you proper food or housing. So I'm just going to stuff you in my damp, dark closet filled with rotting things!" With the power of literary impossibility, he shoved everyone into his dark, damp closet filled with rotting things. While doing this, his EVIL! plan was finally snapping into place and so, he called Duke.
"I finally have my plan filled with absolute randomness and insanity!" Tristan yelled into the phone.
"What is it?" Duke asked.
"You see, while putting away my army of pink ducks, I found the way to beat Kaiba- I remembered that the mesothorax, according to its properties, is seen in many insects of today as well as insects which causes us to believe it is a necessity to be an insect!"
"What does that mean?"
"Beats me, but Kaiba's power is in his trench coat!"
"Of course!" Duke exclaimed. "Although that holds absolutely no evidence in scientific fact you're completely right due to the fact this authoress is insane and changing the rules of reality as we know them!"
"Oh no, that's because she writes this between watching pre-Duelist Kingdom and Yu-Gi-Oh! GX episodes! Hey mail has just landed on my head. Let's read it:
Dear Tristan, Duke and my other little puppets in this fic,
Drop it. Just because pre-Duelist Kingdom episodes have a girly voiced malnourished anorexic Yugi, who has a mad grandpa, which is filled with PG-13 innapropriateness, an endless stream of curses and the fact Tristan is part honor student/part janitor (it's great), doesn't give you any right to criticize me. Do it again, and a 42 ton meteor will happen to miss everyone but you two.
Cheerio,
The Author."
"So when are we going to Kaiba Corp?" asked Duke who was ever carefully watching the skies for airplanes, jets, pink ducks and 42 ton meteors.
"TODAY! Because preparation is for losers!" Our insane focal point yelled and was at Duke's door in a matter of seconds. "Let's get Rebecca and Yugi's Grandpa!"
Luckily they only had to go to one place for both, since Rebecca was staying with Yugi anyway.
And when Tristan and Duke got there, they contained their surprise when they saw a huge rocket with "LOVE YUGI 4EVER" painted all over it that had crashed into the house. And when they went in the shop, Yugi's Grandpa was in a corner, shivering with fear. And that's when Rebecca with a half dead Yugi in hand showed up. She was wearing Yugi's clothes (for his convenience Yugi bought 7 school uniforms) and was pretty much foaming at the mouth.
"Uhhh, Rebecca, we have to go defeat Kaiba with our insane plot of death and destruction," Duke said in a trembling voice.
"Not without YUGI!" That's when Yugi's grandpa got up and wattled over to Tristan and Duke.
"It's okay, Rebecca," Yugi choked. "It would make me happy if you went with them." And so Rebecca began crying.
"You d-don't like me anymore, do you YUGI?" she sobbed.
"No, it's not like that," Yugi said in his normal pacifist way even though he was half dead. "But I have things to do."
"Fine, YUGI, but you better be home when I'm back!"
"Hey is anyone else noticing YUGI is in every sentence she speaks?" Duke pointed out. Yugi's Grandpa had a well-duh sort of face as the four merrily walked down the Yellow Brick Road to meet the Wizard of Oz—
Oh wrong story… They all walked with horror and despair to the large gloomy Kaiba Corp Skyscraper where millions of birds lost their lives on. Filled with excitement, Tristan flung open the door to reveal--- a receptionist.
"Do you have an appointment?"
"Uhhh, no," Tristan said. "But I'm clinically insane. Will that work?"
"The clinically insane people can only come when- hey you forgot Serenity in this chapter," the receptionist suddenly said. "It's not nice to exclude people."
"Oh no!" Tristan and Duke yelled. "Now we have to find her too."
"No need," the receptionist said and pulled off a mask to reveal she actually was Serenity. That's when the real receptionist came.
"Gasp!" she gasped. "If you're going to see Kaiba, three journeys you must peril. Up the elevator your challenges await!" So our group of insane people got on the elevator for infinite torture…
"Test 1," the elevator said and stopped. A computer magically appeared in front of our heroes.
"It's an online test," Tristan observed. "Question 1: If all roses are red, and all tulips are blue, what are feet? I'm no good at this stuff… Any answers?"
"C!" Duke yelled.
"YUGI!" Rebecca answered.
"I don't know!" Yugi's Grandpa shouted.
"Err, we'll use Yugi for that one. Question 2: If you were a cube, and I was a square, what would a 20th century poet be?"
"C!"
"YUGI!"
"I don't know!"
"I'll choose Yugi for that one too. Question 3: What color socks am I wearing?"
SEVERAL HOURS LATER
"Well, it looks like we'll choose Yugi again. Final Question: If you were all clinically insane, and the author was too, and Charizard likes pie, what would an owl x 9 equal?"
"C!"
"YUGI!"
"I don't know!"
"Meh, Yugi again," Tristan sighed. "Let's see our score: you scored 0 out of 4215783! AWESOME!" The elevator began working again and brought them to a second quest with a second receptionist.
"Now for the ULTIMATE TORTURE!" she said as four other computers magically appeared in the elevator. And each turned to Yu-Gi-Oh! Romance fics! MUHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! "You must read through every romance fic in the Yu-Gi-Oh! Database! MUHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"No!" Serenity screamed as Yugi's Grandpa, Duke and Tristan joined her. But Rebecca living under the laws of Yugism had to scream "YUGI, noooooo!" instead.
So they began. "They first met at the lake in the late fall. They fell in love. He was summoned to war. She waited for him. This isn't just a story about a soldier who was a boy but my Autumn Boy. Seto x Serenity," Serenity read aloud. "WHERE DO THEY GET THESE PAIRINGS ANYWAY?"
"NOOOO!" Tristan pointed to the screen. "Birthday present for Honda XD Honda-Jou (Joey). Hints at one-sided Kaiba-Anzu and Kaiba-Honda- WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?"
"It can't be, my YUGI," Rebecca cried. In front of her were at least 10 fics with MokubaxRebecca on them. "YUGI WHERE ARE YOU IN THIS MESS?" Thankfully she found her Yugi fics in the mess, especially the ones with the weirdest pairings imaginable and are not even supported by anime or manga (which happens to backfire a lot of the pairings). Duke was the only one who couldn't read on and was having a seizure on the floor. Yugi's Grandpa was the only unphased one.
"Oh please," he croaked. "None about me… IT'S NEVER ABOUT ME!" And he broke into a zillion pieces and started crying.
13,100 ROMANCE FICS LATER
"MY EYES! MY INNOCENCE! THEY'RE BURNING!" Serenity yelled, falling to the ground.
"Next, challenge," the receptionist said, "is to eat pudding."
"That doesn't sound so bad," Serenity thought.
"You've cursed the pudding," Yugi's Grandpa thought. And sure enough-
"You didn't let me finish," the receptionist said. "I mean, black pudding. Made from every part of the pig, using the liver stomach heart, parts from the head, all boiled in pig blood. That's why it's black. It's popular in some country in Europe! Have fun!" But when she bent down to give them the deadly mixture, her mask fell off and it turned out she was really-
"Bakura?" Tristan gasped. Yep, with his snowy white hair fluffing out to its maximum fluffability, there was Bakura.
"Ummm, I can explain," he insisted. "I found out the plan when a crazed fanfic writer grabbed me and threw me in a trash can, and I wanted to come… And I need a summer job. You see, after Duelist Kingdom, I was always shown eating, unconscious or being controlled by Yami Bakura who to my misfortune, is a psycho tombrobber who wants to kill the Pharaoh. But now I don't have the Ring, so could I tag along?"
"Whatever," Tristan said. "But do we really have to eat this just to visit Kaiba?"
"No," he responded. "Didn't you see the "Skip pointless journeys" button next to the up and down arrows?" insert anime fall here
"WHAT!" Serenity cried. "All that torture for nothing?"
"Pretty much," Bakura replied in his normal optimistic way. "But sadly, you still have to eat the black pudding. I'm vegetarian!"
"Hey, is that black pudding?" Yugi's Grandpa had been sleeping for a while. "I LOVE black pudding and the pointless slaughtering of animals! Whee!" And dug into the pudding, with black flinging everywhere.
ONE BOWL OF BLACK PUDDING LATER
The elevator started up again, with the hearts of our insignificant heroes burning with courage. They had to succeed. If they didn't, the very world could be at risk- for um something bad to happen whoooo. Suddenly, the elevator stopped and the doors opened. And at the desk was their target, Kaiba. And more importantly, his death defying trench coat.
As you can see, I have very strong opinions on romance. Some pairings are just plain weird. There really are 13,100 K-T romance fics, unless my math is wrong. I know it's odd saying all that stuff about romance and have some pairings in my own fic (but at least these are clearly shown in the anime and have evidence more than imagination). And black pudding really is a famous dish in some European country (I think Belgium)...
I really wasn't planning to put in Bakura, but the moment needed the irony. Besides hikari Bakura is so loved, but appears so little.
Don't get me started on the mesothorax... Fictional it may be, but caused by the imagination of my own father it was.
AC of Doom and Pink ducks will pop up later. I'll try to update this as much as I can. Watch out for the insane idiots and don't forget to review.
See ya!