I would like to thank all of my readers for being so patient these pastmonths ; I've been rather busy lately, and I'll be trying to get at least two chapters a month done. I'm not stopping; but my antics can go on no longer! The story is boiling down.
Chapter Special! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
"Deck the halls with er- I forget falalalalalaaaaa!" Tristan sang as he put up a big, green wreath. "Something, something, something in our something apparel! FALALALAA!"
"It's Christmas!" the AC of Doom said happily, dressed in festive lights and a Santa suit.
"Presents!"
"Food!"
"Love!"
"Spirit!"
"Presents!"
"Christ!"
"Yuugiou fan fictions!"
"PINK DUCKS!"
"And presents," finished Tristan. "All the things we love about Christmas."
"Who's we?" asked Rebecca. "To keep a running tab, there's me, me, Yugi's grandpa (YG), me, Yugi, me, me, me, me, Tristan, me, the Tooth Fairy, me, Santa Claus and me."
"What about me?" Leaf asked pointedly.
"Oh, I already have 'me' down," Rebecca thought aloud. "Now that we have this tab, Serenity, Ryo and High Tyto Joey will materialize..." There was a pop and all three landed in a clump next to her.
"This is no way to treat your supreme ruler! THY IMPURITY IS STAINING ME!" Metal Beak shreed as High Tyto. Oh, and Tytos are Barn owls, in case you're wondering.
"…We tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it didn't even matter!" Serenity fumed like Linkin Park. "We had to fall to lose it all! But in the end, it didn't even maaaaatter!"
"Ugh," was all Bakura said in the ancient language of comatose.
"Now for Christmas shopping!" Rebecca said thoughtfully. "We're going to murder ourselves at the mall!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tristan yelled, sinking to his knees. "I barely came out of that place with my life last year!" ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE! Christmas shopping at the mall is the natural way to control human population, making sure the stronger can continue to provide strong individuals to the human species while the weaker ones are destroyed to make way for the stronger ones. And out of the sheer connectivity, remember: A machine is special. It takes lots of work and parts to create one. But you just need other humans to make more humans. So if you ever wonder how much you're worth, just find out how much your lawnmower cost and know you're less than that.
Any who, they left for the MALL!
FOLLOWING TRISTAN---
Tristan was browsing a store called "Junk and Other Junk- An Idiot's Paradise!" He was wounded, but he was sure he could make it back. He was showing much interest in the items. He walked up to the guy at the register. "Hi," he said, accidentally breaking a couple inflatable dartboards from their display. "What do you think would be a good present for a long known friend?"
"Oh!" he said. He pulled out a black briefcase. "This is the best present ever. Very precious! I have long awaited the perfect heir!"
"Eh?"
"The perfect heir!" he repeated, using keys to unlock the briefcase. "The one described in prophecy:
The hair of brownish brown,
A one way pointing crown,
Will ask for the sacred ornament,
In his charity of adornment!
To him we will give it,
His senses will rivet!
Prophecy will complete,
F4nB0y will be L33T!"
"Uh?"
The man unlocked the rest of the security measures and, after putting himself in a biological protective suit with the word "NOT WORTHY" painted on it, he pulled it out.
"The Annoyer," he said in awe as he grasped the 2x5 inch package with colorful writing showing it was an official Hasbro product. "Only one was ever made. It has been kept in the Annoyment family for generations, hoping the one of Ancient Prophecy would come."
Tristan was in sheer idiotic awe. "What does it do?" he whispered.
"Once the package is opened," he began. "The receiver will forever be haunted by both a ringing doorbell AND a ringing phone at the same time during the most inopportune moments, and there will never be anyone on the line or waiting. It is powerful magic.
"Long ago, in Egypt, the power ran rampant, causing chaos to their pathetic doors and camels. It was captured by the Ancient Joker, who tamed it and placed it in this box," he pointed to it. "However, he learned if it was kept for too long, it would rust, which is never good. He then learned it could only be opened by a chosen one, and the prophecy was created. We say that the one to open it is the Ancient Joker's reincarnation, and will finally perform the Anti-rust spell." He placed the package in a plastic bag after putting on more security measures and handing it to him.
"I'm not sure I'm ready for this," Tristan said, his hand shakily outstretched before the bag. "Now I am!" He swiped it, paid $78 for it and ran, hoping not to be killed in the rampage.
"You have made a wise choice, Ancient Joker," the man said aloud before turning around to play internet poker again.
WITH SERENITY---
"Welcome to Julie's Owl Emporium!" a blonde girl who couldn't find a better job waved at Serenity as she came in. She wondered what the High Tyto might like. She stopped at a display of fire claws ("Ruin your talons at a great low price!"). They looked very viscous.
She kept moving, the fire claws still in her mind. "He'll simply love them!" Serenity squealed. Then she stopped. In front of her was a merchant.
"Hey pretty gi'l!" the merchant squawked. She was an old lady, resembling both a bird and a witch. She pulled out something from her pocket. "Coul' I interest you in a' ow' comb?" She pulled out a pretty tortoiseshell brush from the package. "Bir' love it, ma'a'!"
"Er," Serenity said, trying to use her "take over the world instincts." A Great Gray Owl flew down to the merchant and whispered in her ear.
"Garfunk' here says he likes it," she said. "Garfunk' why don' you ge' a lil' ow' and demonstrate, eh?"
Garfunk came back with a Barn Owl in his beak. The merchant walked up and began to comb the feathers flat. "An' they likes it, see?" Serenity didn't see, but looked at the Barn Owl who was seemingly going in a trance. She edged around to look at some beak sharpeners ("Slice open your beak and hone it to perfection at a LOW LOW price!") before circling back to the fire claws. She was about to reach for them when Garfunk landed on her arm.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, m'lady," he said. "I would go straight back and buy a nice little owl comb." He began brushing her hair. "Back and buy a nice little owl comb…" Suddenly, Serenity fell in a trance.
"I will take not only one, but two owl combs," she said like a zombie. "All your base are belong to us."
"That'll be eleventy dollars. See Garfunk? You silly owl think I can't sell a single thing. But noes, they always come back, right Garfunk. Silly lil' owl, you never do a thing but bring the model. See? Just say 'An' they likes it, see?' and they'd be buying it." Garfunkle took out his human comb as Serenity dozed out of the store.
"See owls?" he said as he combed her hair. "See how they like it?" A group of caged owls oohed and awed. "Human combs selling for three bits of information on the Tytonic Union of the Pure Ones! Only five for two human brushes! Selling from, Twilight, yours truly!"
WITH RYO---
"Hmm," he said as he looked through a place called "Gifts Galore!"
"So what would you like?" asked the cash register lady. "What are you looking for?"
"Well, I'd like to get a gift that isn't too expensive, but at the same time, I want it to look very thoughtful," he said. "Do you know what an obsessive teen who wishes to control the world might like?"
"I think we have something that would please her." She got up and handed Ryo a Guide to North American Salamanders.
"Eh? What does that have to do with anything I asked for?"
Suddenly she broke out her guise, revealing she was Twilight, the owl from a minute ago! He began to comb Bakura's hair, causing him to go in a trance…
"I will certainly take a Guide to North American Salamanders," he murmured like Frankenstein.
"Do you know about the Pure Ones?" he asked. "Do the words Guardians of Ga'Hoole mean anything to you?"
"Isn't that a kind of pudding?" Ryo asked, still in trance.
"Meh, forget you. The book's on the house." With a push of the talons, Ryo was sent in the flow of murderous shoppers.
WITH HIGH TYTO---
"I can't believe I have to get something for an old fart like YG," he grumbled as he walked into an antique shop. There was a big cuckoo clock with a Great Horned Owl etched in it.
"IMPURE!" he screamed. "DEATH TO THE STUPID GREAT HORNED! DEATH TO THE IMPURE!" He attacked, slicing off the head in one easy stroke.
"You break, you buy!" the salesman growled as Metal Beak ripped into the wood. He turned and screeched.
"YOU ARE IMPURE! DEATH TO YOU AND SOREN!"
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be---"
"SHUT UP! THAT'S A MAJOR SPOILER FORMING ON YOUR DISGUSTING BEAK!"
"I don't have a beak…"
"Oh yeah. You got one of those whatchamacallsits." Metal Beak yarped a dozen pellets in his fat ugly face, picked up an ancient ash tray, and fled, flying over the murderous shoppers.
WITH THE AC OF DOOM---
"I have to get something for my owner, Tristan," he thought aloud as to inform you readers what he was doing. He peered closely in a jar. If he can do that. I don't think he has eyes, actually…
"This glass jar is perfect!" And so he bought it. But…
"AC," Duke said from inside. If I don't get something for Leaf, she's going to wring out my neck."
"Cool," he said.
"Please, can we just go and buy some hamster snacks? She loves those."
"Pfft. Humans." He pushed through the crowd to Julie's Hamster Emporium.
"Woah," Duke whispered as he stood on top of Tea for a better look. There were all kinds of hamsters and supplies. "Maybe I'll get her that letterman jacket instead… Or that motorcycle, or that toaster, or that complete kitchen set…"
"Well, hurry," the AC of Doom snapped. Duke grabbed a motorcycle on the wing and paid for it hastily. But then…
"GASPOLEZ!" he yelled. "Someone stole one of my leet bracelets!"
"Glaux save us all!" the AC of Doom muttered.
"NOOOO!" Duke whined. "My bracey! His name was Steve! I admit it, HE WAS MY FAVORITE! WAHHHH!"
In the shadows of behind a hamster cage, a particular tortoiseshell hamster stood, wrapping up a bracelet she had just stolen. "Won't he be thrilled," Autumn Leaf murmured, "To see his bracelet in YG's possession?"
(Yugi, YG, and Rebecca were extremely boring and bought the regular gifts: Chocolate and books with pretty birdies)
CHRISTMAS DAY---
"Cool! I got a book with pretty birdies!" Yugi said, flipping it open and cutting out the appendix, bibliography and index.
"I got a bracelet!" YG said, throwing it into the AC of Doom.
"Bracey, you're back!" Duke cried. The AC received chocolate.
"What torture!" the AC exclaimed. "Chocolate I am unable to eat! What has come to the world?"
Leaf opened her present. "What in the name of nonexistent British Elk?" She clutched what appeared to be a very small board of gray wood.
"It's the Nintendo Super-Micro Gameboy Advance game player system," Duke said. "It comes with 'Yu-Gi-Oh: Reshef of Destruction' where many of us are turned into cute chibi pixelly characters. Quite fun."
"They're making these things smaller everyday," said Leaf. "What batteries do they use?"
"You have to charge it up with a connectable wheel, powered by hamster. See? Now you won't get fat!" Duke was immediately flying out of the AC of Doom.
"Oh noes!" Tristan yelled. "My plans are ruined and my prisoner is free!"
"Your plans were already ruined," pointed out Yugi.
"YOU'RE LUCKY IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Leaf snarled. "I NEVER MAKE MY KILLS ON CHRISTMAS!"
Suddenly, the front door was knocked down. Kaiba, his big box, the dwarf hamster, Al Kahn and Roger Slifer strolled in. "Since it's Christmas," Seto said as he walked, "We have decided to spare your lives."
"Squeaky!" squeaked the dwarf hamster, who was drunk on eggnog. "Squeaky" literally translates to "Eggnog I have, yah, yah, carrot juice."
"All your base are belong to us!" Al said randomly as he drank some eggnog from a very small tankard, obviously meant for hamsters. But, you never want to overdose on hammy eggnog.
"I'm a dragon," Slifer said, bumping into the walls. Looks like someone's been stealing from the dwarf hammy (enragement!)
They all plopped by the Christmas tree, whose lights suddenly flickered out.
"I'm feeling unnaturally kind today," Kaiba said suddenly. "Want me to find that one bulb in a zillion that makes the other tree lights go out? Should I pour the eggnog? Can I assist picking up the wrapping paper and handing out presents? THAT'S IT! I'LL BE SANTA CLAUS!" He was now shaking in a mad fever, dashing to Tristan with disoriented eyes. "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS? HaVe YoU BeEn a GoOd BoY ThIs YeAr?"
"ATTACK OF THE FRIENDLY KAIBA!" Tristan shrieked. "He's become jolly! It's Christmas syndrome! HELP ME!"
Kaiba went berserk, and ripped off his clothes to reveal a Santa suit. "You BETTER WATCH OUT!" he yelled manically before jumping out of the window and running loose in the streets like an idiot, riding his box.
Meanwhile, High Tyto ripped at his gift, muttering, "This wrapping is like the flesh of the impure. It must die!" He shredded it up in a deadly few seconds. "Eh?" He looked at his gift, an owl comb.
"I was going to get fire claws," Serenity said quickly, "But then I decided you'd like a nice owl comb." Without any assent, she began to comb High Tyto, who went into a trance immediately.
"Fresh air!" Duke said. "No more AC musty smells! I'm just so happy!" Suddenly, he kicked out his feet randomly in joy, hitting his gift, causing it to go out of the shattered window and into the talons of a deadly eagle.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" Tristan yelled. "High Tyto, go get that gift!" But the owl was frozen, thinking happy thoughts- in other words, he wasn't thinking about anything at all.
Serenity opened her present. "A Guide to North American Salamanders?" she wondered. Then she turned and hugged Ryo, causing millions of shippers to use it as an excuse for the thousands of stories on about love. "I loooooooooooove salamanders!" she squealed. "Thank you so much!"
"Uh?" Ryo didn't remember anything about buying gifts. He himself got one of the original Birds of America books by James Audubon that weighed 56 pounds and cost $25,000 at the lowest.
"Well," YG said. "It's not the gift that matters. It's the not the thought that matters, because these days it's the thought that scares me. It's the loving and sheer cheesiness of my speech. Now who wants to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas? It's officially 40 years old this year!"
"HURRAY!" was the enormous response, of every Christmas spirit flowing through the air; during this very special time we have all known and loved. YG flipped in the VCR, and with a watching world, the first lovely tunes began to play their sweet comforting music.
Tristan looked at YOU. Yes, you. "Hmmm," he said. "Hi mom!—I mean; MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"
Hey, that's my line! A tomato came out of nowhere and splatted Tristan in the head, causing his gaze to turn towards the screen. Well, Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Merry Christmas everyone!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!