A.N: This is prolly the hardest chapter I have ever written for anything. Except that chapter that I am STILL working on in Lost Unity. Well, I guess they're on the same level there. I love this song. It was under my nose and in my walkman the whole 5 months or so I looked for a chapter 5. Sad huh? I only discovered how perfect it was when I got curisus as to what he was actually singing. I have a hearing impariment, so sometimes I don't understand lyrics. I looked them up and BAM! Perfection! I've been trying to produce as perfect a chapter as the song s in the first place. I hope I did reasonably well. The Journal is a sort of preface to the actual chapter.

Disclaimer: Still don't own the HP series. Don't own the song either. It's The Tea Party's The Messenger in 5.2. Jeff Martin is sexy.

Warning: This chapter had some things that could be very offensive or upsetting. There is implied violent sex, implied dom/sub, beatings, and possibly rape. This is not a happy chapter.

Chapter 5.1

The Journal

January 5

Some New Year this is. I was supposed to be out of here by now. Albus said I'd be home and I could be done with this. He said I could tell him everything. But I'm still here. My contact never made it. As it was, I was punished for being out of my quarters without permission. I'm not worried about the wounds though. Alrik has done worse. Like when I was tripped and broke those plates. Cuts heal, bruises go away and bites don't matter. He is what I am. That's what he keeps telling me. It doesn't feel like that though.

March 23

I've been abandoned. All I know is what is going on here. I have had no news from the Order in weeks. What could have happened? Tonks was supposed to meet me several times. Twice was cancelled, the last time she just never showed up. Has she been killed?

The last piece of information I had was three weeks ago. Alrik brought me with him to one of his meetings with Voldemort. Severus was there. While they were talking he managed to break into my mind and leave an update on what has happened with the Order. It's not going good. I fear that I may be left here for years, or even that we may loose the war. I gave him as much information as I could, but I am horrible at Legimency. All werewolves are. I hope he understood. I hope it gets me out of here. I want to go home. It sounds childish to say, but I do.

April ?

I don't even know where I am or what day it is. I've been picked up by another group of werewolves, another of Voldemorts. I have no contact with anyone in the Order. I don't know what's going on. They keep me locked in a trunk most of the time. Except when they feel like beating me … or other things. Apparently Alrik was thoughtful enough to mark me as a whore before getting himself killed. As horrible as I feel in saying this, I wish I was still with him. The beatings weren't so numerous. He didn't make me do these kinds of things. He never once shared me with any other person. He let me move around the grounds of his home. Compared to now, I had it good.

I've been thinking a lot. Locked in this box, there's not much else to do. About Severus. When we were together. He always made me feel better after the full moon. They beat me. He treated me well. He made love to me. I was happy with him, even though we both knew that any day we could either of us end up dead. I wish I had never come up with this mission. I wish I was still with him. I wish I could have told him why I left.

There's no telling how long I've been here. I think this is it. I think I'm dying. I can barely move to write. The blood in my eyes is blocking out a lot, so I'm sorry if this is illegible. There are only a few sheets of paper here, each with a few journals on them. I've used the last of my magic to send them to anyone. As soon as I stop writing they will go. I don't know where they will end up. On the side of light or of dark? I can only hope. I want them to be sent to Severus S Snape. I need to know that before he dies, Gods willing he's still alive, that I love him still. My feelings never changed for him. I had to leave because of the mission. If I was with him I would never be able to get in as close as I needed to be in order to get the information. It was necessary. If I had of survived the first thing I would have done is go to his side and pledge myself to him, tell him everything, even if he didn't want me. I would have begged for his forgiveness. But … it's too late now. I'm dizzy. Very dizzy. And so tired …