-Wild ARMs is © Sony/Media.Vision/Agetec-
Chapter One: Terra Roar
Outside an enormous concrete building in the middle of the Filgaian desert, two men were standing guard near its huge steel doors. Well, one huge man and one small boy. The man was wearing a long white cloak over his body. He had long spiky dirty blonde hair and an eye patch. The boy had blue hair and cat like blue eyes. He was wearing a leather cowboy hat and an open leather cloak. He was also clad in a red shirt and brown trousers, an ARM at his side.
Heh, this is some job you got us Sheyenne." The older man looked to the boy. "It's easy enough and has great pay."
The boy grinned and rubbed his nose. "I know, isn't it great. We get paid big bucks just to stand here and play guard."
"And that's what's got me worried!" A blue popepipipepo crawled out from Sheyenne's cloak and sat on his shoulder, adjusting his bow tie. "It's too good to be true, especially if Sheyenne got it! Am I right or am I right, Kiel?" The wind mouse looked to the larger man.
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean you old coot! I've gotten plenty of good gigs in my life! You're saying that just because of this kid's body, aren't you!" Sheyenne shouted at the mouse.
"Isaac has a point Sheyenne," Kiel rubbed his chin. "You're track record of gigs has been sub-par till now. That get's me to thinking, what's in the thing anyway?"
"Something suspicious if you ask me." Isaac crossed his tiny arms. "It could be another Grausswein for all we know."
Sheyenne smiled and placed his hands on his hips. "I wasn't that stupid, of course I asked what's in the building!"
Kiel and Isaac both asked at the same time. "Well, what's in there?"
"Christmas!" Sheyenne replied non-chalantly.
"Christmas!" Kiel and Isaac both blinked.
"How can Christmas be in there? Isn't Christmas more of a concept than an actual thing?" Isaac robbed his temples.
"We're guarding Christmas? From what?" Kiel asked.
"How should I know. We're just supposed to stand here and make sure no one gets in and steals Christmas from under our noses." Sheyenne frowned.
Just at that moment, an explosion came from behind the building. The three instantly jumped at the noise. Sheyenne drew his ARM and ran for the back, followed by the giant and the mouse. What the three found was a gaping smoldering hole and no one to be seen. The one and only concrete room was empty.
"What the! I don't believe this!" Sheyenne growled.
"Hey Look over there!" Kiel shouted. The three turned around and noticed a dark shadow flying through the air, going far far away.
"That guy stole Christmas!" Isaac yelped.
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In 2005… you will meet the extraordinary cool agents in all fiction… Their intelligence, elegance, and some secrets past will be fashion. And everything they touch will turn to excitement… How do I call this story? This is straight pillow fantasies of the ban-bang, kiss-kiss variety. They are called L/I… who are… "Licensed by Idiots"
L/I
Licensed by Idiots
-From Baskar With Love 2-
Gallows Caradine and Jack Van Burace, both dressed in tuxedoes walked down the red carpeted hall of Valeria Chateaux towards two wooden doors. Gallows spun his trusty PP7 in one hand while the other rested in his pocket, whistling "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer", whilst Jack gave smiles and winks to all the female agents and co-workers they passed.
Tripin up electric light
I'll take you places you ain't gone before
I got a formula for getting a life
You better stick with me
Take my hand and hold on tight
This roller coaster goin all night
To damn good this love, must be a crime
Let us go where no ones gone before
Born under a brilliant star
Stay with me, we can't go wrong
I don't care who listens
Come on, help me sing along
Daring you on the count of three
Your gonna feel like you are royalty
I'll storm the palace and make you my queen
Let us go where no ones gone before
Born under a brilliant star
Stay with me, we can't go wrong
I don't care who listens
Come on, help me sing along
Take your hand with all your might
Time for you and I to settle the score
Our futures out there and were going right
Let us go where no ones gone before
Let us go where no ones gone before
Let us go where
no ones gone before
Gallows opened the doors and walked in, followed by Jack. Virginia Maxwell, who sat behind the receptionist desk, tapping away on a typewriter, greeted the two. She looked up and smiled. "Good morning, Agent 003 and Agent Man in the Cowboy Hat."
"Mornin' Ginny." Gallows replied. "Any clue as to what today's mission is?"
"Anything juicy?" Jack asked as he threw his black cowboy hat to the coat rack. "Something filled with women with enormous b3wbs blasting things with big ass guns?"
Virginia shook her head. "I've no clue. But I know the new head of State wants to see you as soon as possible."
Gallows raised an eyebrow. "New Head of State? You mean that Maya, Irving, and Emma are no longer are bosses."
Jack sighed. "Well duh Gallows. All three of them got booted out in the last election! Didn't you watch the Daily Show at all?"
Gallows grinned. "Then I wonder who's waiting for us. Maybe they'll remember my latest stint where I SAVED THE WORLD!"
Jack and Virginia looked to each other, disappointed. Virginia groaned. "Man, he saves the world one time and you'll never be allowed to forget it."
"Yea I know." Jack agreed. "It's been two years since! Give it up already!"
Gallows turned back to the two, ignoring their sentiments completely. "So Jack, you ready to go in or what?"
Virginia raised a finger. "Just a warning though. The new leader recently found out what "anime" is and won't stop blabbing about it. So please just ignore it."
Jack looked to Gallows. "What a n00b. This should be fun."
"Right, well then, let's go!" Gallows started walking towards the new leaders office, but stopped before reaching for the doorknob. "Say Virginia, you done fanaticizing about Jet yet?"
Virginia sighed and gained a dreamy look in her eyes. "Jet's still the king of bishies… I wouldn't mind giving him a long sensual massage…"
Jack intervened, throwing himself almost into Virginia face. "By that you mean have sex with him!"
"Well duh!" Gallows rolled his eyes while grabbing the back of Jack's shirt. "Let's go."
The two left the waiting room, leaving Virginia by her self. After a moment, she checked both sides of the room. Besides Pooka, no one was there. And Pooka being there, there was still nobody there. Because Pooka is Pooka and no… any…body… God Damn you Pooka! Anyway, Virginia stealthily opened her desk drawer and pulled out a beaten and bloody "Dirty Mag", featuring Jet Enduro…
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"What the!" Both Gallows and Jack were in shock. For sitting before them, behind the broad oak desk, was none other than George W. Bush, leader of the free world.
"Hello and salutations. Please, have a seat gentlemen." George W. Bush waved his hand to point out two chairs.
Disturbed by this recent set of events, the two agents sat themselves down before the President. George W. Bush cleared his throat. "I don't know if you boys have seen that show Dragon Ball Z, but y'know, Raditz, is like a terrorist. He comes from a far away land, ruins your way of life, and steals your dragon balls. He's a threat to freedom, and I hope Goku kicks his ass. God Bless America, Stay the coarse!"
"But we live in Filgaia sir." Gallows stated.
"And Dragon Ball is like, for complete nubs. Come back and talk to me when you've watched Fist of the North Star." Jack crossed his arms across his chest before getting elbow jabbed by Gallows.
"Right. You're absolutely right." George W. Bush pointed out. "I'll be sure to do that. America needs Fist of the North Star. But more importantly, it needs Christmas."
"Filgaia." Gallows corrected.
"That's right. Absolutely right. Filgaia is the planet of freedom. Freedom, it starts with an F, like Filgaia, and it ends with an M, like Filgaia. It also has an R, an E, an E, a D and an O in it. Now, the reason I called you in here is to get Christmas back for America. We can't let the terrorists win again, we must pull through, like we did at 9-11." George W. Bush began ranting.
"Now what's all this hubbub about Christmas?" Jack inquired.
Gallows was still confused from George W. Bush's rant. He shook his head. "Yea? This Christmas thing."
"You see boys, Christmas has been stolen. We owe it to my homeboy Jesus to go get it back from whatever terrorist stole it. If I knew where they went, I'd send in the army, the army of freedom, and bomb the crap out of them. But I don't know where they went, and Dick Chenney won't tell me, so it's up to you two to find Christmas and bring it back. For Freedom. For America. Stay the course."
"It is December, isn't it. I should have known that a holiday special was coming." Jack groaned.
"Without Christmas, there's no Christmas parties. And without Christmas parties, there's no booze and women. Without booze and women, there's no easily getting laid! We can't live without easily getting laid! Think of all the people out there that need us!" Gallows stood up from his chair. "The college student without any social skills! The already married man who is tired of his wife! The man who invented beer goggles! And the Fan fiction writers! We have to do this! For Filgaia! For Jesus! We must restore Christmas parties!"
"You're right!" Jack stood up as well. "For chances to easily get laid!"
"It's good to see such enthusiasm, especially for my homeboy Jesus. God bless. Now, to explain things further…" George W. Bush pulled a pokeball from his pocket. "Condeleeza, I choose you!"
The poke'ball fell to the floor and did nothing. The three men stared at it. Jack shook his head. "Poke'mon? Seriously, go to Best Buy and get a DVD…"
The doors opened and one Clive Winslet walked in, carrying a suitcase. He stepped in before the two agents and shook their hands. "I'm Clive Winslett, but you can call me by my code name, "C"."
Jack leaned over to Gallows and whispered. "You think anyone will figure that one out?"
Clive cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "Your mission parameters go like this. An enemy organization known as G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N has stolen Christmas. Their motives are unknown and they've yet to make a statement regarding ant ransoms or ultimatums. It will be up to you two to retrieve Christmas with all costs! If your captured, take these…" Clive handed the two agents small pills.
"What do these do?" Gallows asked eyeing the pill.
"Nothing. Nothing at all. DON'T EAT IT UNLESS YOU GET CAUGHT. But they do nothing." Clive sweated.
"I wonder who these G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N guys want. Hopefully there will be plenty of action and b3wbs on the way." Jack grinned.
"Any special tools for us, "C"?" Gallows asked.
"Nope. None at all!" Clive smiled. "Well I'll be seeing you. Intelligence, actually some guy on the street corner, points G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N's last known position at Mount Zenom."
"Mount Zenom! Right! Let's Motor!" Gallows than turned around and briskly walked out of the office.
"Right! Gotta Jet!" Jack said as he too briskly walked out of the office.
George W. Bush looked to Clive. "Clive, vine whip attack! Go!"
Clive sighed and slumped his shoulders. "It's going to be a long administration…"
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Next time on L/I: Jack and Gallows end up in Colonel Kudaffi's secret base! Can the two escape the Nigerian WarLord of the 80's! Stay Tuned!
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It's now time for Lilka Says! Lilka says: Just because someone's a little different from you, doesn't mean that it's right to pick on him or her! Invite him or her to a game of soccer! You'll find that if you play your cards right, he'll take all the face shots for you!