Chapter 3: Fiery Rage
Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Jack and Gallows were in for a surprise. It turned out the tomb they were raiding was really a Hollywood movie set! Who was tricking whom! And now for the conclusion…
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The foliage was thick and covered in droplets of rainwater. Roots and vines blocked the way of any wanderer. Thorns and pricklies became nasty obstacles for those who would dare climb the muddy face of Mount Zenom. What a minute? Isn't Mount Zenom supposed to be a frozen peak? I swear, fan fiction writers these days, just messing things up for no apparent reason. The night had gone and now dawn was climbing over the treetops. The rain too had long vanished, leaving in its wake humidity and a muggy morning. The calls of frogs and birds echoed throughout the canopy, awakening one Jack Van Burace.
The mud-covered man had mysteriously changed out of his tux into more suitable clothing. A pair of jeans, a black muscles shirt, and leather coat to go over. He yawned and looked groggily at his surroundings. Not a hot babe in sight. Jack reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a toothbrush and some toothpaste, a bar of soap, and some cologne. Hey, even in the jungles of… mount Zenom… an Agent must look his best. And thus the man without the cowboy hat marched down a muddy trail towards a stream.
Sitting at the stream, taking in their morning drink, were six or seven green Gila Monsters. Not that they looked anything like an actual Gila Monster, they were more along the lines of the Tatzulwurm in the evolutionary tree of Filgaia. In fact, they resembled Tatzulwurms so much that one would think the only difference was their color. Jack stared cautiously through the brush, toothbrush ready. You wouldn't think it, but the Fast Draw can apply to anything hard and elongated. Wow that sounded dirty. So Jack was sitting their, thinking that God must have been really lazy with about half of the animals on Filgaia as they were all recolors, when those creatures finally got up and left. Probably to skulk about and attack any humans that came by. One does wonder how on Filgaia an animal could survive by doing simply that, or in fact, how these creatures survive at all anywhere on Filgaia.
Now that Jack thought about it, the ecosystem for Filgaia was one messed up mother. You couldn't take more then six or seven steps without an encounter with a large carnivorous beast. There's just no way that could be! Where are all the herbivores? Carnivores are supposed to eat herbivores! The laws of predator prey relations were shattered all over the place! The prey population is supposed to out number the predator population, but that is clearly not the case! And without prey, shouldn't the carnivores all be starving to death? Clearly there can't be enough human travelers to keep the population levels of these monsters this high! And it hasn't broken down to the point where the carnivores are eating each other yet either, for when traveling the Wasteland, these monsters would often pair up with another species of carnivore in order to bring down a human. Even if they did just eat each other when no one was looking there would be no way for the population to survive. An animal needs phytochemicals to live, and you get them from plants. If the carnivores aren't eating herbivores (because they aren't any), then where are they getting the phytochemicals! The fact that Filgaia is a desert planet combined with the notion that they are no vast populations of large herbivores should equal not enough resources for any reasonable population of large carnivore. And yet the planets practically crawling with two-ton meat eating giant animals! Jack's head began to spin from this entire ridiculous debate when the tree behind him came crashing down!
Jack spun around and was about to perform some serious Laser Silhouette with the might toothbrush when he discovered it was no Tatzulwurm recolor attacking, it was none other than the king of the hill, Denogenos! Jack gulped and slowly backed down as the lizard Guardian stared him, jaws agape. Did this mean that Gallows was eaten and without a gimel coin! What to do? Jack then froze. If he didn't move, Denogenos wouldn't see him. Maybe.
However, much to Jacks surprise, Denogenos wasn't here for breakfast. The enormous supernatural reptile brought its six-foot head to Jacks face and gave him a big lick. It then stepped backward and wagged its huge tail back and forth, letting out a playful growl. Jack's heart nearly stopped.
"Hey Jack! Have fun at that party you went to without me!" Gallows stepped out from behind Denogenos, an angry look on his face.
"G-Gallows! What the hell is going on!" Jack fell backwards into the brush.
Gallows smiled. "Fido here just wanted a friend." He then took out the flare from mysteriously no where (its spark long dead) and threw it into the forest. The earth began to shake with every step Denogenos made as it turned around and sprinted after it, breaking trees and branches along the way. "So about that party…"
Jack rubbed the back of his head as Gallows helped him back up. "There wasn't any party. All I could find was Pooka, and well, Pooka doesn't count."
"Yea? Well I found this!" Gallows made a V sign and grinned. He then reached into their cosmic inventory and pulled out a piece of paper. "I found it at an abandoned base camp. I'm pretty sure it's from G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N!"
Jack eyed the wet piece of parchment. Whatever was on it was in some alien language. Well, by alien I mean foreign, not from Outer Space. "How do you know it's from G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N? It looks like rubbish to me."
"Because," Gallows began "There was a sign that said, 'This is not G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N's secret base. Go Away'. I used the concept of reverse psychology to tell that that really was G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N's base."
"Oh…" Jack rubbed his chin. So does that mean when Elmina tells you not tonight, she really means take me, I'm yours?"
"Sure does!" Gallows nodded. "Right, so our only clue to the whereabouts of G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N is this piece of paper! We must get it translated at all costs! To guild Galad!"
DUNANANANANA NAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
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Guild Galad! The Skyscraper City! A city known for its vastness, largeness, and overall bigness. Huge, gray buildings rose into the air from the paved earth, from which hundreds of people all walked the sidewalks and the streets were filled with cars. Cars? Yes, cars. (The opening scene for Ashley involved cars, remember! Woah, Déjà vu.) The beat of the street was funkified fresh and dope and kickin. Many hot dog vendors and pretzel carts lined the corners, the murmur of thousands of people, the honking of horns, the smell of exhaust, the heat of the sun, and the shadows of skyscrapers all marked Guild Galad.
Gallows stood in the middle of the sidewalk, obstructing pedestrian traffic, hands on hips and a grin on his face. Jack stood behind him, holding a map and trying for the life of him to figure out where the heck they were. It was Christmas time, well if they could save Christmas, but for those who were blissfully unaware that Christmas had been stolen, it was time to shop. And shop. And shop. All the stores were proclaiming "BUY" and the shoppers eagerly agreed. This reminded out heroes that they must work quickly, for if Christmas isn't retrieved, then all this spending would be wasted!
"So how are we going to find a translator?" Jack rubbed his blond hair with a hand. "This isn't like Hong Kong or London where the stores are in assigned districts."
"Hong Kong? London? What are you talking about?" Gallows raised an eyebrow as he looked over his shoulder at Jack.
"Oh right. Filgaia." Jack smiled, embarrassed. "But back to finding this translator guy."
Gallows grinned even wider. "We ask, of course!"
"Ask who!" Jack growled.
"Anybody! Keep a notebook handy, we may have to write down what people say!" Gallows then turned to an old woman walking by. Well, maybe she wasn't OLD old, but she was no spring Chicken. "Excuse me."
Aunt Myra stopped in her tracks, her holiday bags weighing her down. "What is it!"
"Do you know anybody that can translate this?" Gallows showed the woman the piece of paper.
Aunt Myra lanced over the paper. "I've no idea. Try asking someone at a barber shop." She then hurried off to wherever she was going.
Gallows turned back to Jack. "Did you get all of that?"
Jack finished jotting it down. "…Barber… shop. So, which barber shop?"
"We'll just to try all of them!" Gallows then pulled out the map from Jack's coat pocket. "We'll start with the one on 34th and Pleasant!"
Jack groaned. "It's going to be a long day."
Let the musical montage begin! (Fat Boy Slim's Weapon of Choice)
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And a long day it was. After about seventeen barbershops, Becky at Becky's Hair Kingdom told them that someone at a Chinese Restaurant might know. Well that just narrowed it down by none! In fact it just expanded the search, as there was a Chinese Restaurant on every block. Jack suspected it might be some sort of Guild Galad law for there to be a Chinese restaurant on every block, that way whenever the mayor went for a walk and suddenly felt like Chinese, he wouldn't have to walk far. Well at "Shining Dragon Lucky Jade Star Garden Chinese Number One", Dennis, who didn't look even remotely Chinese, directed them towards a shop with a talking bird in it. Thanks for nothing Dennis! And thus the two began to search for shops with talking birds. This included pet stores, bird stores, pirate stores, tropical stores, novelty stores, and specialty stores. Some time later, our heroes found "Volks Postcard Emporium", where Volks was sitting in a stool next to a cash register, and a green parrot on a perch. Upon inquiring on the subject of the alien code, Volks directed Gallows and Jack to seek out a gang of rough kids known as the "Texas Ranger" who hang out at the Beverly Hills Wharf around 7:00 after dark. How Volks came across the information and why he knew it was beyond the two, but they simply shrugged and headed for the Beverly Hills Wharf.
Once there, the two set to beating the crap out of two young kids and their friends. David and Belleana admitted defeat after getting their asses kicked and told them they should seek out Borgnine. No indication of where Borgnine was, but it was a name. Gallows and Jack then set on their new quest to finding Borgnine and searched the city until eleven o clock, where Gallows thought they should get some rest. No real reason why, just did. So the two went to the "Welcome Inn" and stayed free because Joy had set up a good word with them. However they owed the innkeeper thirty bucks. The next day, in order to pay the man back, the two helped Herman operate his Lucky Hit stand. Lucky Hit is a dumb game where you drop a ball from the top of a pin maze and hope it ends up in the right pocket at the bottom. After making next to nothing and wasting time, the agents then began searching for Borgnine. After what seemed like an eternity, Sterling at "Good Auto Parts" pointed them in the direction of "Borgnine and Borgnine". Once on the other side of town and kicking themselves for missing the painfully obvious, Borgnine proved to be about as much help as Dennis. They would have to defeat Kung- Fu master Emelia at Central Park. Cursing their luck. The two set out to Central Park but found a kitten in a box on the way. They fed it some tuna and an optional sidequest opened up. They decided to decline on the offer and focus on finding Emelia. Emelia, unlike everyone else in the stupid city, proved quite easy to find. The ARMs meister was practicing Chen style Tai-Chi. Gallows did one on one battle with Emelia and was victorious! Button mashing at its best. Emelia disclosed to them that she would tell them only if they could discover the four Wude. O.K, this is getting ridiculous. So then Gallows and Jack, becoming quite irritated with this whole thing, ran around town and talked to as many martial artists as they could to discover toe four Wude. Some time later, the two returned to Central Park and told Emelia of the four Wude. Keeping to her word, Emelia told them some more useless information. Jacks notebook was starting to get full.
Emelia told them to seek out Putnam, but Putnam has been in exile for some time due to his destructive fighting capabilities. Gallows and Jack really didn't care about all that, they just wanted a damn translator. So in order to get in contact with Putnam, they would have to get a hold of him with Chawan Sign. What the hell was Chawan Sign? Well in order to find THAT out, they had to track down Armengard at "Blissful Ignorance Tea Stand". Chawan Sign turned out to be some kind of ancient Chinese way of communicating with the placement of four teacups. OH! O.K, so the two heroes than ran back to Emelia in Central Park, beat her again, and learned what Putnam's Chawan Sign was. Afterwards, towards the later part of the day, the two sat themselves at Armengard's Tea Place and arranged the four teacups in a set manner and waited, and waited, and waited. After a bit, both were snoozing, when a mysterious person tapped Gallows shoulder and left a piece of paper on the table. The paper read "Meet me at Red Hills Coffee Shop at noon tomorrow." Well, with nothing else to do, they went back to the Welcome Inn and paid the keeper his money plus the current night.
The next day, the two were standing outside the Red Hills Coffee Shop right before noon. Gallows looked to Jack and sighed. "So what do we got so far?"
Jack flipped open the notebook and scanned the chicken scratch. "Too much. Read the above text."
"Sheesh." Gallows started for the door. Hopefully this Putnam can answer our question.
The two stepped in to the coffee shop. Nobody was in save a blonde man wearing a straw hat and a vest. He nodded towards the two. Jack and Gallows sat themselves down before the man with much haste.
"I understand that you are trying to contact me…" Putnam started.
"Yea, y'see…" Gallows pulled out the paper.
"I've locked myself away in exile for many years. " Putnam ignored them. "My hands have killed too many men for me to ever atone."
"That's nice, you see this paper-" Gallows interrupted.
"The Gangs here are choking the city, even I can see it. But there's nothing I can do. I've sworn off fighting, you see."
"Uh huh, say, look at this paper."
"Don't bother asking me to help you finish off the gangs. My hands can never help, only demolish…"
Jack suddenly barked. "We're not here for that ya idjit! We need this piece of paper translated and everyone told us to talk to you!"
Putnam shrugged and took the paper. "It seems to be some kind of foreign language…"
"No duh!" Gallows replied.
Putnam handed the sheet of paper back. "You need to talk to Gunther of "Gunther's Translations" on Translation Street."
Gallows and Jack were too shocked to speak. The old man was about to become a dead man.
Jack shook it off. "Why didn't I see this coming? Come on let's go!"
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Once at Gunther's, they handed the paper to the man in a yellow vest. He peered at it for a bit and then brought the paper to a mirror. "Ah, this is it!"
"What's it!" Gallows asked.
"It's English written backwards. Hold it to a mirror and it's readable."
Jack and Gallows were too shocked too speak. The man in yellow as about to become a very dead man in yellow.
Gallows ripped the paper from Gunther and read it. "Christmas will be shipped to Thunder Lion Cage. Signed, G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N! P.S: Hahahahahaha!" Gallows turned to the other two. "Damnit! And we wasted all this time here!"
"Well, let's get a move on! To Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack announced. "Hopefully there will be a women or two on the way."
"I know how you feel." Gallows sighed.
"The translation will be five hundred Gella." Gunther spoke up.
A very dead man in yellow…
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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Gallows and Jack are invited to a party on Dead Man's Island. However at this party, no one is having fun! Can Jack and Gallows get off alive! Find out next time on L/I!
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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Translations can be fun, but annoying! Hey this one actually matches up to the chapter! My name is actually Riruka and Florina actually doesn't have a name in the Japanese version of Wild ARMs 3! Translations can be fun! Zeikfreid started as Zeikfreid in the original Wild ARMs, but Media. Vision changed it to the proper Germanic spelling for Wild ARMs 3 and Alter Code:F. Square Soft translated it as Seigfreid (the right way) for Advanced the 3rd, but Agetec returned it to the original spelling (the wrong way) for Alter Code:F! Artbooks are so informative!
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