Notes: Must give thanks where thanks are due. Angela, of course, you are the best. One to add, goron from Wraithbaith, who's feedback elongated this chapter and brought in two characters that were not in the first draft.

Sombre thoughts

Rodney woke, slowly, leisurely. It took only a moment for him to realise something was wrong.

He lay on his back but not on the cold, hard surface he had become accustomed to. He was on a bed. There was light, strong bright light. It beat against his eyelids to reach his eyes. He was used to waking in the dark.

His hands were in restraints, as were his ankles. He tentatively opened his eyes. White…metal…bubbly watery columns…machines. He wondered where he was, why he wasn't in his box. He concentrated on his last conscious thought and immediately wished he hadn't.

"My Lord…" he wailed as misery filled every inch of his body.

He remembered. He had been with The Lord. He had been wearing his usual clothes, not the robe he was meant to. He hadn't been bathed nor had his skin been rubbed with lotion. The Lord hadn't been happy. He'd asked why Rodney was disrespecting him so and Rodney could not say. The Lord had motioned for the woman to come and tend to him. She told him that Rodney was hurt, that he needed to heal and the bathing oils could cause infection. At first, The Lord had shouted, lashed out but then he'd held Rodney to him and had softly stroked the wounded skin.

They were taking Rodney to the containment chamber when a man had come. He'd come and…and…

"MY LOOOOORD!" he shouted, the agony of the realisation sending a stream of tears down his cheeks.

Carson jumped to his feet and ran out of his office when he heard the yell. A nurse was already at Rodney's bedside but he motioned her away. Gently, he put a hand on the crying man's shoulder and tried to reach him, where he was, in his cold and desolate world.

"Rodney…Rodney, it's Carson. Everything's alright, you're in Atlantis…"

The cries continued as Rodney tried to curl into himself, forgetting the restraints. When he couldn't move, he laid back, burrowing his head deep in the pillow. Sorrow was pouring out of him and Carson could not think of anything else to do to ease the ache but sedate him. He left his hand on his shoulder until Rodney fell into an uneventful sleep.

It was not the best course of action, certainly not, but until all the wounds had mended completely he needed Rodney to be calm. The skin was badly breached and needed time to heal. Heightmeyer would not be pleased. She had asked to be informed when Rodney woke, it was imperative she see him.

Carson understood that, but he also understood deep-seated, clawing pain. Rodney needed for the world to stop turning at this precise moment, he didn't need to be reminded of the horror it held. Heightmeyer would wait, she would understand. Carson couldn't leave Rodney in such a state. Once his body was healed, they would work on his mind.

He arranged the sheet over the unconscious man and sat to speak to him. There was nothing else he could do, nothing else he wanted to do.

"Rodney…we'll get you back. I know it must be hard for you. You must be confused, and scared. You're grieving…we can't really understand why but you're grieving for that man…"

He ran a hand over his eyes, exhaustion catching up with him.

"Let me tell you…we won't be giving up on you anytime soon. We need you…we've missed you, with all your faults, your arrogance, your ego, your rudeness. Missed your quick wit, your dry humour and your blunt honesty. It hasn't been the same around here, that's for certain. For one, my job's been a lot easier since you haven't been barging in here any time, day and night…."

He smiled, remembering how it had been before, but sighed for the exact same reason.

"I didn't want my job to be easier…none of us did. You're a hard man to keep up with Rodney, a difficult man to deal with but…we'd rather deal with it all than go without you. You'll need to do this for us…you'll need to be stronger than you've ever been, and I know that's a lot to ask, but you'll need to do it all the same, okay?"

He left when he realised he had been waiting for an answer. An answer from a sedated man…

…yeah, he needed to sleep.

On his way out of the infirmary, he met with Elizabeth who was obviously as tired and upset as he was.

"How is he?"

"He had a little panic earlier but he's under sedation now, sleeping like a baby."

There really was no point telling her he had been crying for Limployd. It would be in the report.

"I'll just…stay for a while…"

"Of course…I was on my way to bed but Nurse Flannigan is here. Stay as long as you like…but do get some sleep, Elizabeth, you look exhausted."

Carson left her after a pat on the arm and she moved to the chair he had just vacated. Rodney looked so peaceful, despite the restraints. She pushed a strand of hair that had fallen to his face. How strange to see him like this. The long hair didn't suit him, but the newly acquired muscle definition did. His body was much healthier now, lean and muscular, even his face had lost some of it's…plumpness. She cradled his left hand in hers.

"I'm taking the easy way out Rodney, being a coward. Apologising when you can't hear me, or answer me. When you can't choose not to accept my apology."

She smiled in self-derision.

"I've come to apologise for waiting so long…I…I thought you were dead Rodney. I'd given up on you and it hurt too much to keep believing, like John did, like your team did. Even Zelenka…he was certain you couldn't die like this…"

She affected an approximation of the Czech's accent.

"Undignified way for him to die. He is not dead, he is…too pompous to be dead on strange planet. He dies in glory, not in anonymity."

Then the tears came. She could not help it. She had failed him. John thought she had. She could hear his words echo in her mind…we've waited too long…diplomacy was never the way…we sat back and let them do this to him.

"I'm so sorry…I should've allowed John to do as he wished. If only he hadn't listened! How did that happen, he's never listened before! It's not his fault. I'm the leader here, I made the decision. I allowed this to happen to you…"

She felt a hand on her shoulder, pressing gently. John spoke quietly.

"You didn't Elizabeth. It was all of us. I could've made the decision to go at anytime…"

"I gave up on him, John." There laid the hurt. Not with the long wait before any action, not with the state in which he had returned to them. She had given up on a colleague, a friend. She had failed him. Rodney had been part of this expedition from day one, from the planning stage. It had always been him they needed. She had just given up on him, refusing to hope. She had not wanted to allow the searches to continue. The teams coming back empty-handed meant having to admit he was gone, repeatedly! It had been better to make a clean break, to believe he was dead.

"No you didn't. You simply faced a difficult truth none of us wanted to face. I didn't mean those things I said earlier. It was just misdirected anger. You did what you had to do. You stayed strong and did what was best when we all…"

He waved his hand in a gesture she translated to unravelled. She understood what he meant, knew he was right, she had not intended for any of this to happen. She had had to think of the whole, not just Rodney, but the guilt would still plague her days.

"Come on, you should get to bed…"

He helped her up and she made to leave the room. She noticed he had not followed.

"John?"

He raised the eyes that were set on Rodney's sleeping form to look at her and unknowingly echoed the words she had spoken to Carson moments earlier.

"I'll stay…just for a while…"

She considered him for a moment, nodded and left him to exorcise his demons.