Chapter 4: Gale Claw
Last time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Working at Telepath tower, Virginia managed to decode some Alien coding. Alien contact has been achieved. The coding, however, is really a blueprint for some kind of machine! And now for the thrilling and heartfelt conclusion…
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Agent 003 Gallows Carradine and Agent Man in the Cowboy Hat Jack Van Burace stood in the sand, watching the dark sea crash into the beach under gray skies. The wind whipped at the foam, carrying it into the breeze by Gallows and Jacks hair. It looked as if a storm were about to burst from the sky.
"Gallows?" Jack asked, not taking his eyes from the ocean horizon.
"Yea Jack?" Gallows replies, he too keeping his gaze fixated upon the sea.
"We're going to need a boat." Jack said.
"We sure are." Gallows responded.
Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the beach before them, knocking the two off guard. Forming from the smoke and dust was a cat. OR a short man. Or a short cat man. He was dressed oddly enough, in old English clothing. Not there was an old England on Filgaia, mind you. The cat's eyes shone and he gave a toothy smile. "Hello and Salutations, Agents." He bowed. "I am Dan Daraim, agent of G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N"
Gallows and Jack stepped back, ready for combat. Gallows was about to draw the PP7 and Jack the toothbrush. "G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N is made up of talking cats?"
"No you stupid bugger." Dan Daraim growled. "I'm the talking cat. Actually, cats are the non-talking version of me. For you see, as the Guardian of time, I came first."
Jack raised an eyebrow. "They had sissy fox-hunting limey clothes at the beginning of time?"
"What! Oh, my attire. No they didn't, but seeing how I'm the guardian of time, I simply went to the future and got clothing." Dan Daraim explained.
"Huh?" Gallows and Jack were confused.
Dan Daraim shook his furry little head. "This is beyond the point. I've come to stop you from reaching Thunder Lion Cage. Christmas is ours!"
"Why do you and G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N want Christmas any ways?" Jack asked. "Are you really a scrooge?"
"Silence you ape!" Dan Daraim drew a rapier. "I am not at liberty to disclose that information to you morons! However, I have more than enough permission to slice you into ribbons! Have at you!" Dan Daraim lunged foreword with the rapier, practicing what looked like a highly practiced and polish form of fencing.
The agents dodged in time. Jack drew his blade (not the toothbrush) and clashed steel. His strength was far superior to that of the sissy foxhunting cat, but the cat proved more maneuverable. Dan Dariam easily slid out of danger and back to position of safety. He licked his lips and lunged again. Jack parried the blow and shoved Dan Daraim backwards. It was a battle of steel, a draw of swords. Who was more skilled here: the Fast Draw or the Fencing Technique? The clashed again, and again, and again. Jacks weight bearing down on the rapier, the guardian resisting. It was then when Gallows shot Dan Daraim. The guardian dropped the rapier and fell to his knees in the cold sand.
Dan Daraim saw the blood ooze from the wound in his chest. The shot had penetrated all the way through. He turned angrily to Gallows. "You- You cheater! You dirty coward! You have interrupted the sacred battle of swords!"
"Sorry?" Gallows shrugged.
"Dan Daraim hissed. "A curse on you for defiling such a thing!"
"But… isn't Equitess the guardian of swords?" Gallows asked.
"Gallows! I'm shocked, you actually know something about guardians!" Jack grinned.
"Yea, yea. Look are you gonna die now or what?" Gallows shrugged it off.
"It certainly appears so, yet I do not know how, seeing how I am a guardian and all. Curse mortality!" Dan Daraim was puzzled. "Solus Emsu, take me now!" And then the pussycat dissolved into light and faded away.
"Well that was easy." Jack remarked.
"Thanks to me." Gallows smiled.
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Dan Daraim's voice boomed from the skies. "Even when I am no more, you cannot win! I've taken the liberty of smashing every boat this side of Court Seim!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack fell to his knees and reached to the skies. "Damn you! Now we'll have to swim to Thunder Lion Cage!"
Gallows wagged a finger. "Not at all, Jack. That guardian may think he got us…" Gallows then looked to Jack. "But we'll just fly there!"
Jack looked confused. "And how? We don't have the Gullwing or Lombardia or the Highwind or Ragnarok or the Hilda Garde or…"
"We don't need those!" Gallows then turned away from the sea and looked up at a dark castle standing on a cliff against the gray skies. "We'll ride broomsticks! To Sielje: School of witchcraft and wizardry!"
Lightning flashed and thunder roared. Jack could tell his wasn't going to like this.
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Sielje was a magic school. They taught magic there, hence magic school. But it was also a magic school in the sense of the castle being enchanted. Stairways mysteriously rearranged themselves; paintings sprang to life and ghosts wandered between the students and faculty. The students were dressed in black robes with yellow and red scarves wrapped around their necks with little emblems on their outfits.
Inside a certain classroom, students of about the age of fourteen or so chatted amongst themselves until a teacher walked in. The teacher was a young man with blue hair and blue eyes. He wore a black robe but huge gloves sticking it from underneath them. He coughed and turned to the class. They immediately silenced themselves. A murmur of "Good morning Professor Winchester" rolled into the room.
Professor Winchester smiled. "Good morning class. Today we're going to learn about transformations. But first, let me introduce two new students." Gallows and Jack walked in the room, both of them much taller than anyone in the class, "Please welcome Gaylord and Zacx."
A giggle went around the room at the mention of Gallows code name. He frowned. "Yo." That is what the kids are saying these days, right?
"Now class, even though they're a bit older than you are, I want you to treat them well. Now, Gaylord, Zacx, go pick a seat."
"Ooh! Ooh! Sit here!" A young girl with brown hair waved. Gallows swallowed. He knew this girl. He knew her all too well.
Jack and Gallows took their seats aside the girl. Jack immediately set to whispering. "What are you doing here Lilka!"
Lilka blinked. "I always go here! What are you two doing here? Don't tell me you're here to perfect your magic too!"
"We're here undercover!" Gallows whispered harshly. "Don't blow it!"
Professor Winchester tapped his cane against the podium. "Lilka, Zacx, Gaylord! Quiet down now!"
"Yes sir." The three uttered.
"Now to transform," Professor Winchester began, "One must focus and shout the words written in your book. I'll show you how it's done." Professor Winchester stood back and waved his wand in the air while muttering a few words. Smoke suddenly filled the room. The students stared hard until the fog dissipated, revealing the black Knight Blazer. Everyone in the class clapped heartily as Knight Blazer took a bow.
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"Wow, that class was great." Jack exclaimed. "Well, until Knight Blazer began eating the students."
"It happens." Lilka whistled like it was no big deal. "So what house are you guys in! I hope you're in Gale Claw! We're the best!"
House?" Gallows questioned.
"Don't you guys know anything?" Lilka said as the three passed the cafeteria. "Sielje has four houses: Terra Roar, Aqua Wisp, Fiery Rage, and Gale Claw! Everyone knows Gale Claw is the best house! We've won the Magical Bowling cup four years in a row!"
"Magical Bowling?" Gallows questioned again.
"Jeebs!" Lilka rolled her eyes. "Magical Bowling is like normal Bowling except that you're on flying broomsticks and other people are trying to knock you off!"
"Gallows, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Jack asked.
"Thinking?" Gallows questioned yet again.
Jack sighed. "We enter this Magical Bowling thing and then steal the magical brooms!"
"Sounds like a plan, Stan!" Gallows smiled.
"Right! And I'll help you guys, seeing how we're all war buddies!" Lilka grinned.
"Is war buddy the right word?" Gallows was puzzled.
"WAHAHAHAHA!" The trio turned behind them to see a blonde woman in uniform with a tall witch's hat. She laughed with a hand by her face. "Well if it isn't Lilka? The half Crest Sorceress!"
Lilka shook with rage as she turned to meet her assailant. "Shut up Naya!"
"Naya?" Gallows and Jack looked to each other.
"Honestly, I don't even know why you're still here Lilka? You'll never be the sorceress that I am! You should just go home!" 'Naya' exclaimed.
"Wait a minute!" Jack shouted. "You're not 'Naya'! You're former President Maya Shroedinger in Witch form!"
Gallows strained his eyes at the shocked woman and then to Jack. "Woah dude. You weren't even in Wild ARMs Advanced the 3rd and you figured it out."
Maya stepped back, a sweat drop appearing on her brow. "I-I don't know what you're talking about! You're all just a bunch of losers!" She then called to the room beside her. "Rodd, Halfred! Come here!"
Coming from said room was a young blonde boy in uniform with a panda backpack and a tall man with an enormous Afro and purple tinted glasses. "Yes ma'am!" They barked.
"Let's beat these punks up! The sight of Losers sickens me!" Maya commanded.
The three of them whipped out their wands and smiled. Lilka swallowed and readied hers. Gallows and Jack would have joined if they had wands. They then stepped back.
Yet even before they could start conjuring and uttering odd phrases, none other than Headmaster Anje interrupted the six. The nun shouted "Expelliarmus" drawing all of the wands to her fingers. Maya, Todd, Alfred, and Lilka swallowed. Anje shook her head and spoke angrily. "There are rules here children! Fights, magical or otherwise, are not allowed here at Sielje! Lilka, I thought you at least would have known this!"
The four wand users looked at their shoes. "We're sorry…"
"But it was them who started it!" Gallows stepped forward, defending his friend.
Anje looked at him. "Excuses don't matter. I would stay out of this unless you too would like punishment!"
Gallows stepped back sheepishly. "Yes ma'am."
Anje looked over to Lilka. "Now is this true?" Lilka nodded. "Well then, because of this incident, Gale Claw loses three points!" Maya immediately began sticking her tongue out at Lilka. "However," Anje started, eyeing Maya. Maya immediately closed her trap. "Fiery Rage loses five!"
"F-five!" Maya replied.
"Perhaps this will remind you not to pick fights! Now back to your dorms" And with that, Anje walked off.
Maya and her cronies immediately set to the dirty looks and growls at Lilka before huffing off to wherever it is that Fiery Rage students go.
Lilka looked up to Gallows. "Thanks, Gallows. Why don't you guys stay with Gale Claw? That way you can bunk with me!"
"You mean there's co-ed dorms?" Jack asked. "Sweet!"
"Lead on!" Gallows grinned as well, as Lilka was once again too young to realize what they were thinking. If Maya was here, maybe some babes within legal ranges would be there as well.
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Nope. No women in site. There was nobody in the small room save Pooka, and Pooka doesn't count. Jack and Gallows sighed as the filed in. Lilka flitted happily behind them. "This is my room! Normally my room mate would be here too, but she's broken her leg during Magical Bowling, so she's in the infirmary!"
"Broken her leg?" Jack asked. "How dangerous is Magical Bowling?"
"Oh very!" Lilka replied. "We've had seventeen deaths this year!"
"And nobody's sued!" Gallows was astonished. "Well, we have to do it anyway, so we can get those broomsticks and fly to Thunder Lion Cage! We have to retrieve Christmas!"
"Retrieve Christmas?" Lilka asked. "Was Christmas stolen!"
"Now don't panic Lilka. That's what we're doing, saving Christmas." Jack smiled.
Tears began to well in Lilka's eyes. "Who would steal Christmas! The scrooges! We have to have Christmas or there will be no good cheer, or love on Earth, or most importantly, no presents!"
"That's why it's so impotent that we get those broomsticks!" Gallows raised a fist in the air.
"That's imperative." Jack corrected. "We gotta get in that Magical Bowling tournament!"
"There's one tomorrow!" Lilka leaped up. "We can play for Gale Claw!"
"We?" Gallows raised an eyebrow. "You're on the team?"
Lilka nodded. "There's three people per team, and since one of our players is down, we need another one!"
"Then that leaves one of us out." Jack crossed his arms across his chest.
"Not to worry!" Lilka said. "I'll take care of it!" She then walked to her bureau and took out a heavy wrench. "I'll be right back. "Whistling, she walked past our heroes and out the door. After a few minutes a loud bonk followed by a blood curdling scream came from the hall. Lilka came back into the room, blood dripping from her wrench. "The other guy has a broken leg too, so we can all play!"
Jack and Gallows glanced to each other. Lilka had learned more from Marivel in their last adventure than they thought.
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The stadium was packed with every student in school. Thousands of cheering fans awaited their blood sport: Magical Bowling. On the field there were a number of lanes with pins, each dedicated to a certain house. However, there was only one ball. It was the job of the players to steal the ball and score before time ran out. A more ridiculously dumb and dangerous sport had never been played before.
Jack, Gallows, and Lilka were wearing in the dug out, awaiting the start of the game. They had been given flying magical brooms, and Jack and Gallows were about to ditch the scene.
Gallows turned to Lilka, placing a hand on her shoulder. "You do know that we're going to LOSE the game, right?"
Lilka nodded. "Yea. I know Gale Claw will hate me for the rest of my existence, but as long Christmas is saved, I don't mind…"
Such selflessness, such generosity, such heart! It brought spirit to Gallows and Jack. Jack gripped the broom. "You know what, let's win this thing. We can always fly off right after."
Lilka gasped. "Jack! Are you sure? What about Christmas!"
Gallows readied his protective goggles. "Christmas can wait for now. We're going to help you, Lilka!"
"Aww, guys! I love you two!" Lilka gave the two a great big hug. Then, a great noise bellowed through the dug out. It was time to play.
"Let's win this thing!" Gallows flashed an award-winning grin.
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"And the score is, Fiery Rage fifteen, Gale Claw, zero!" The announcer shouted after a fierce game of Magical Bowling. "The winner is Fiery Rage!"
"Well, we can't say we didn't try…" Gallows shrugged, receiving angry looks from his two teammates.
Maya flew over the down trodden trio, her cronies not far behind. "Wahahaha! Looks like you losers lose again, because that's what losers do; lose!"
"Yea, well, your mom…" Jack replied. He's the king of come backs, you know.
Maya was taken aback. Never in her life had any one insulted her this greatly. A vein appeared on her forehead as she grated her teeth. "Watch what you say, Gale Claw slime! Take that back before I cast something nasty on you!"
"Make me!" Jack stuck out his tongue.
"My lady perhaps it would be wise not to cause any more harm to Fiery Rage…" Todd said.
"We've lost enough points already!" Alfred exclaimed.
"I don't care! Incendio!" Maya sent a fireball flying towards Jack. Jack didn't have time to flee. He was trapped before the oncoming fireball!
"Finite Incantatem" Lilka flew up and cast a spell, causing the fireball to vanish! "If you wanna pick a fight, pick one with an actual magic user!"
"So wait, Maya casted Cremate, right? And then Lilka did Dispell?" Gallows was confused by all these new names.
Maya was about to lose her top. "I don't care! Shut up you half Sorcerer! "Avada Ka-" Before Maya could finish her spell of doom, a giant lions foot bore down on the three Shroedingers, bringing them to the earth. Lilka, Gallows, and Jack looked up to see a giant lion with enormous horns and spikes sticking out from it. Lightning flickered all around the huge beast. "Ow." Maya uttered from underneath the massive paw.
"What kind of spell is that!" Gallows gulped.
"Don't you watch any kind of educational television!" Jack replied. "That's Nua Shax, the guardian of lightning!"
The lion roared as the stadium was forced to evacuate. Lightning bolts ripped from the sky and bored into the field below, creating an overall electrical mess. "Where are the ones that would take back Christmas!" Nua Shax roared.
Jack and Gallows began whistling and flying away.
"We're right here!" Lilka shouted. "Right guys?" There was no one behind her except Pooka. Lilka gave a nervous laugh.
"Then you must die!" Nua Shax sent a bolt of purple lightning flying right towards the eleniak girl.
"Expecto Patronum!" Gallows flew up towards the lion beast, waving a magic wand. The lightning was reflected off into a tower, blowing it up.
Nua Shax squinted and turned his face away from the would be sorcerer. "Protective magic?"
"That's right, beotch!" Gallows smiled. "Now give up Christmas before I get angry."
"Gallows, how's you know that?" Jack asked as he rose up to the other two.
"I saw it on television once." Gallows replied.
"Incarcerous!" Lilka shouted. Enormous ropes broke away from the earth and latched onto the lion, pinning it down. "Let's see you get out of this one, Houdini!"
Nua Shax roared, his bolts of lightning flying about. "He's still really dangerous!" Jack stated, narrowly dodging a bolt.
"We'll see about that! Finite Incantatem! Reductio!" Lilka shouted off two spells. Nua Shax was no longer spouting off electricity, due to he had temporarily lost his magical abilities. After that, he began to shrink and shrink until he was the size of a house cat. Rar!
Gallows flew down to the now tied up tiny lion and grinned. "What now Nua Shax? What now!"
"I'll get you!" Nua Shax meowed. "I'll get all for this!"
"Ha! He sounds like he's on helium!" Jack laughed.
Lilka flew down as well, breathing a sigh of relief. "Man am I tired…"
"I'll say, you saved the day with all that shouting!" Jack clapped.
"Not without our help, of course!" Gallows stepped up.
"Aw, thanks guys." Lilka rubbed the back of her head.
"You've really become something since our last romp." Gallows put a hand on Lilka's shoulder. "Now you're useful."
Lilka didn't know if that was an insult or not, but decided to give Gallows the benefit of the doubt. "Thanks?"
"So when does this shrink spell wear off?" Gallows asked, kicking the tied up kitty.
"When one says the reverse spell." Lilka said. "I'll be sure to take care of kitty here for you guys." She picked up the tiny Nua Shax by his front legs and held him in the air. "You're such a cute kitty when you're behaving."
"Help." Nua Shax squeaked.
"Right. Thanks a lot Lilka, but we need to motor!" Gallows nodded.
"Yea, so off to Thunder Lion Cage!" Jack agreed.
"If you need my help, just come and get me!" Lilka waved as the two flew off into the gray skies…
"Ack! My field is ruined and those two stole the broom!" Anje walked into the field. "Two points off for Gale Claw."
"Aw man!" Lilka sighed.
"Hahaha!" The Shroedinger trio pointed and laughed.
"And three points of Fiery Rage for being total jerks!" Anje replied.
"Aw man…" Maya sighed.
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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: Gallows and Jack go back in time to the eighties! How will the two handle Def Leppard, ALF, rat-tails, and Sixteen Candles? Find out next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots!
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It's now time for Lilka says: Lilka says: When speaking in front of a crowd, there are a number of strategies you can employ to keep yourself calm and presentable! One of them is to imagine everyone in their underwear. But if I'm in that audience, you'd better not look or I'll personally devestate your butt!
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