Light and Shade
Darkness, nothing else. Darkness everywhere. The dark swallowed everything, claiming ownership of all matter that dared encounter its path
"Nononononononononononono! Oh, not this! No!"
He sat straight up and…his head didn't hit a cold, hard smooth surface. He stretched out his arms and…they encountered only air.
As recognition seeped into him, his breathing eased, his limbs relaxed.
He was in his bed, in his room, in Atlantis.
He lay on his back and linked his hands behind his head. Back in Atlantis, back to work, back on the team. They'd had their first mission the previous day. It had actually been fun!
This was real; this was his life!
Rodney knew he had changed. Everyone had noticed he enjoyed living a lot more and was a lot more forthcoming. He was nicer, to some extent, but that was what he let them see. The comforting things: the smiles, the laughter, the touches that were slightly lingering. Not the real vestige of Taulouse.
He still heard the voice in his head. It cried. It was scared. It begged everyone he saw to be nice to him, to love him, to hold him. It wanted to hold on to Sheppard, to Ronon, to Carson when they left. It called everyone by their first name and wanted to hold their hands when they walked. He did too sometimes, because he forgot you weren't supposed to do that. Strangely, no one ever took their hand back immediately. They waited for him to notice and when he did they would just…smile…a sad little smile.
Heightmeyer knew about the voice because he was not so much of a fool as to not tell the psychologist! He understood what had happened, understood he had D.I.D. and understood that the only outcome was complete dissociation or integration. He needed therapy so his selves would integrate, become one. Heightmeyer said that he was making remarkable progress. She was hopeful, said it would be easier to reverse the process since it had been engineered.
Apparently, it was a good sign that he had retained all the memories from Taulouse. He wasn't so sure but he trusted her and wasn't that different!
Occasionally, before falling asleep, or just after waking up, he would lie in bed and the memories would come pouring back. This time, it was his visit to the research facility that started the flood. They'd taken him to a white room where five boxes stood. They'd done all kinds of tests. He couldn't begin to guess what they had been for, but he knew they had hurt! It had been pain he had never felt before and imagined it was what he would feel if a Wraith ever got his hand on him. He didn't want to consider what that meant. What the Taulousiens had done to find such instruments of torture!
They had never hurt him again. He'd done that. He'd been so angry every time he woke in the box! He had wanted the little simpering idiot that inhabited him, that ran him, to know he was in there, to know he couldn't wait to get out and get rid of it! He'd seen everything! All the formatting. All the distorted memories, all the lies and all the sorrow that it went through.
Sure, he understood it was a part of him but…really…it was just a kid!
The Lord had taken advantage, had used its weaknesses. He'd seen how it wanted to be accepted, how it wanted to be loved. He'd used that…
Rodney thought, in some way, Limployd must've loved him, must've seen something in him the minute he entered his chamber. John had told him what the woman, his guardian, had said about him being a lost soul and finding peace. About how he should've been killed when the formatting didn't take.
At times, The Lord had been so sweet, so caring. He'd held the other against him and whispered endearments in its ear. If Rodney was honest, he would say he had liked that, someone caring for him, but not as much as he had enjoyed the care the people on Atlantis had provided. They'd shared their days and nights with it. There had always been someone to hug, to make sure it was alright, to make sure it was happy.
He had been there, seen that as well. Unable to surface until the other let him, until it realised that there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to protect Rodney from. Rodney was safe. It realised he needed to save his friends and finally, he was back, in control of everything.
They hadn't gone back to Taulouse. They had planned to, but Rodney never wanted the gate to dial their address. He'd had a hard time convincing Sheppard. He couldn't sit back and let them win; he wouldn't let them go free. Rodney had convinced him that it was for the best, he wanted Taulouse out of his life, as far removed as possible. They had locked the gate address. The dreadful world turned, light years away. No one would go there and no one would come from there. Case closed…somewhat…
Now, even though it was the middle of the night, Rodney got up, dressed and headed to the lab. It was so quiet; he was able to work for hours before a still sleepy Zelenka came in.
--OOOOO--
Everyone in the city snickered as the story of Doctor McKay's attack on Kavanaugh became common knowledge. It had only been a matter of time before the atrocious man got what he deserved for speaking about McKay as he had. Saying he was never going to be the same and wasn't that lucky, maybe they could get rid of him once and for all. Kavanaugh's intent had not been malicious; it was simply a way to get back to normal. The ol' Kavanaugh-McKay feud was back on, everything was right with the world. Everyone was amused as they heard of the altercation, with the exception of Rodney's closest friends.
Elizabeth stood in the control room, in constant communication with the search team. Searching…again…
Finally, a gruff voice came with good news. "Found him. South pier, living quarters."
Ronon walked carefully to the man huddled in the corner, crying. He sat beside him. Rodney tensed and tried to move away. Hurriedly, he wiped away his tears and attempted to regain his usual composure.
"What! Are you lost! What do you want?"
Ronon settled as comfortably as he could against the wall and said the simplest thing in the world.
"I know, McKay."
And he did know, had sat with Rodney like this before. He had held him as he cried, because there was nothing else to be done, because McKay had had the mind of a child and Ronon had wanted him to be well. Rodney knew this too, so he let his defensive walls tumble. Sometimes, you had to rely on the goodness of others.
Soon, John, Teyla, Zelenka, Carson and Elizabeth were there. They had been there before and would've fought to be with him at this time. Closer bounds had been developed through the 'other Rodney' and they would not let them deteriorate. They sat and listened to the scientist as he spoke, trying to hold back the tears.
"It was…it was the hair. He just, was in his lab coat…his hair…it wasn't tied back."
The ones who had been on the planet, who had seen Lord Limployd, did not need Rodney to explain further. They knew.
"It was so…all blond and flowing and…I thought. I thought he'd come back for me. I thought…Christ! It's pathetic."
The tears came and McKay fought them. When he spoke, his voice was but a whisper. "I thought I'd have to go back."
Pain. It felt like all the pain in the universe was currently residing inside Doctor Rodney McKay. He'd had his most prized position, his mind, taken from him and lived with continual fear that it would happen again. The he would be reduced to that simpering idiot once more, that he would be pitiable and needy.
"Leave."
"No."
Trust Sheppard to deny him the solitude he required. Rodney needed to keep the humiliation to a minimum; he needed them to get out!
"Leave! I don't want you here!"
"Why?"
"Because I don't!"
"That's not true. Just tell me why, Rodney, and I'll make sure everyone leaves"
"I don't…I…I…why are you…" Rodney was silent for a moment, deep in thoughts. Then, his eyes narrowed, his free hand rose, a finger pointed in accusation. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE ME LIKE THIS! They made me crazy! CRAZY! I don't know what's happening! I don't know where I'm going, what I'm doing! I'm crazy! I'm completely crazy! I attacked Kavanaugh because I thought a dead guy had come to put me in a box! I don't…want you to see me like this…"
An arm went around Rodney's shoulders, another settled around his waist, and he was pulled against a slim, muscular chest with practiced ease. He tried to resist, pull away, but he was held tightly. A soft but assured voice spoke so close to his ear he could feel warm breath on his neck.
"We've seen you like this before, and I think we'll see you like this again before it's behind us. But we're still here, not going anywhere. You'll be ok."
Rodney relaxed minutely against Sheppard; they had done this before, though Rodney had not been himself then. He inhaled deeply and exhaled in stuttering bursts as he listened to John tell him how it had been for them.
"You were just gone. We found you, but you were gone. Then the gate glowed and you were there, with your brains and you attitude, ready to save the day. You're you again, but it doesn't mean we can't be here. It doesn't mean you don't need someone to talk to, or sit with. It doesn't mean we can't take care of you."
A hand came to rest on his shoulder without John releasing him and it felt so good. To be surrounded by friends, by warmth, by all the things that it had wanted from The Lord.
"Yes, but most importantly, you scare Kavanaugh and gave him a…" Zelenka indicated his eye.
"A right shiner," supplied Carson, for once letting go of medical terminology.
"Yes, you truly are hero now, throughout Atlantis and Pegasus galaxy, even Milky Way."
Rodney let out a snort and pulled away from John.
"Aaaah, see, Sheppard. No need to be a suicidal punk to be a hero! Just beat up the planet's resident jackass!"
The room filled with relieved laughter, which was then fuelled by the multiple Kavanaugh jokes subsequently shared. They all made their way back to the occupied sections of the city, separating at the transporter doors to return to their previous occupations.
Sheppard walked quietly beside McKay on the way to his quarters. At the door, McKay turned, fidgeting. When he opened his mouth, he was stopped from speaking by Sheppard's raised hand.
"I've seen guys freak for less. Hell, I've freaked for less. Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. Just call next time; chasing you around the City's not as much fun as you'd think." Sheppard smiled, grasped McKay's shoulder for an instant before turning away and sauntering down the hall. He'd do what he could, be there when needed and hope for the best.
Rodney entered his quarters, sat on his bed and sighed. He would be fine…eventually.
The End
Ok, very sorry for the cheezy ending but I couldn't leave him all screwy. It felt waaaaaaay wrong so I opted for the fairy tale 'with a little help from my friends' ending. Can I call upon the mercy of the readers and say this was my first fic so I cannot be held responsible? Pleaaaaaaase?