Chapter 7: Flash Hit
Hi! Lilka here and its time for my shout outs! Let's make magic people!
Gallows Stalker: I'm glad to know you're enjoying the fic so far and I agree with you on the part of Gallows and Jack having no luck, but I also think it has to do with their brain power, but don't tell them I said that, K?
Teefa & co.: Thanks for the comments! I think the parodies are fun too! Jane may be a hoot, but she's stealing my spot in the limelight! (Takes out flame wand) Jane must die! I mean, go everybody! Tee hee!
Remember everyone that stories need reviews to survive, so be sure to give them plenty! Have your cat spayed or neutered, buh bye!
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Tuesday, December 20, 2005
BASKAR COLONY, Filgaia – The princess had been taken to another castle in Baskar Colony. Officials for the Royal family told the press at a conference yesterday afternoon that intelligence had pointed a large shelled reptile whisking the princess, Cecelia Lynn Adlyhyde, away from Adlyhyde Palace to an old ruin of a castle within Baskar grounds. Baskar Colony, a small Baskar reservation consisting of approximately six people, lies just outside the ruins of Jolly Roger. Baskar residents seem to be disturbed by the news of the princess's arrival and many of such residents have taken to protesting in an effort to bring more relief to the reservation. Officials have yet to tell them that she was taken against her will. Efforts have been made to recover the princess from the castle Pandemonium, but no one has been able to leap high enough to stop an army of walking mushrooms the giant shelled reptile seemed to have employed…
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Baskar Colony! A most horrible place! Our favorite secret agents arrived at the barbwire fence, looking out over it. It was nothing but sand and dirt beyond. Pueblos could be seen in the distance, standing out from the earth. The wind was full of dust and colored the air a dull orange. Nothing grew anywhere.
"Baskar seemed to have gone downhill since the last time I was here…" Gallows scratched his head.
"Naw, this is the Alter Code: F Baskar." Jack corrected. "Let's go on inn."
The four walked through the gate, pass the barking dogs, past the trailer homes, and towards the center of the colony where a few ancient pueblos stood from the very earth it was carved from. Marching around a center stone were three Baskar holding signs and shouting a protest poem.
Gallows stopped as Magdalen took point. He turned to a protester. "Hey buddy, what's with the protest?"
The Baskar woman looked to Gallows and shook her head. "They say the princess Cecelia is here in Baskar. We're protesting her arrival because of the evils she has done to this community."
Gallows looked around. He didn't see any secret service, black limos, army choppers, or delegates. All he saw was Pooka, and Pooka didn't count. "O rly?"
"Ja rly!" She replied.
"O rly?" Gallows asked once more.
"Ja rly!"
"O rly?"
"Ja rly!"
Suddenly a snowy owl perched on Gallows shoulder and screeched "No wai!" before flying off again.
"Huh, was it on TV or something?" Gallows wanted to know.
"No, it was in the newspaper…" the lady replied. "You can find a copy at the bar."
Gallows nodded and soon joined up with the other four. Magdalen was in lead, but he didn't really know where he was going. So they were walking around in circles, pretty much, yea. Gallows tapped Jack on the shoulder. "Hey Jack, did you know the princess is here!"
Jack raised an eyebrow. "O rly?"
"Ja rly!" Gallows replied.
"O rly?"
"Ja rly!"
"O rly?"
"Ja rly!"
That same owl landed on Jacks shoulder. "No wai!" And then flew off.
"Seems to be an owl problem too…" Gallows commented.
"So what's the princess doing here?" Jack asked.
"I dunno, but lets go ask her for some bigger guns or something!" Gallows bit his lip at the thought of it.
"I dunno Gallows. Remember the last time you approached royalty?" Jack asked.
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Outside the highly decorated throne of the king of Adlyhyde, the king steps out to give a highly important speech. "I, King Justin, have-"
Gallows, who was standing in the crows, spit out his coffee. "King Justin! What the hell kinda name is that for a freegin king!"
Justin tried to go on." Have an important-"
"I mean Justin's like a townsfolk name! C'mon, what kinda crap is that!"
"An important topic-"
"King Justin? More like King Generic! M I rite, lol!"
"Guards, get him!" Justin sent the guards after Gallows.
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Suddenly a big, fat man with glasses and a white button up shirt with green trousers walked up to Gallows and smacked him upside the face, knocking Gallows to the ground. "Steal Peter Griffin's act, will ya, you dumb injin!" Peter then noticed the camera. "I mean, smart Native American. …I love you guys…. Red power…" He then silently crept off the premises.
Jane kicked Gallows in the side. "Wake up, we gotta hit the bar!"
Gallows' eyes lit up. "Bar equals women!" He then stood up. "Right! To the bar!"
Jane watched Gallows run off to the bar as Jack approached her. "Here, I found this treasure." Jack handed her a heal berry.
"A heal berry? You call this treasure?" Jane rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Let's go."
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Was it really a surprise that not a half an hour after the entered the bar that Gallows was drunk off his ass? I mean, what else is a bar scene good for in a fan fic? Getting information? What good is getting information going to do for the characters? Nope, bar scenes are just going to get people comically drunk while I'm around…
So Jane, Magdalen, and Jack had attempted to pry information from anyone in the bar about the whereabouts of she who knows the guardians, but only found information on the princess being captures by a giant shelled reptile and being held against her will in Pandemonium. They sighed, as this most likely meant they'd have to quest out there to save her before getting the bar full of Baskar to say anything else.
But to Gallows it wasn't a bar full of Baskar but a bar full of everyone from ARMs and everyone from that old evil organization P.R.O.P.H.E.T. (which was comprised of about every Wild ARMs villain to date) that they had disposed of a while back. Why, it was great! It was awesome! It felt like a sitcom! Gallows hopped over the bar and stole the cleaning rag from the bartender as music began to fill his head.
Where Everybody Knows Your Name - Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.
Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;
Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...
"W00t!" Gallows cried before passing out.
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Gallows awoke on a dusty trail leading through the dusty skies towards Pandemonium. Well, actually he awoke on the back of a camel bird, a strange creature with the body and head of a camel but the legs and tiny flightless wings of a bird. Before him, on the road towards Pandemonium, were Jack, Jane, and Magdalen.
"What I really wanted to do," Jane was in the middle of a conversation, "was be an astronaut!"
"An astronaut?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "That's kind of weird."
"How so?" Jane huffed. "It's O.K for boys to want to be an astronaut but not for girls! I bet you're the kind who thinks girls should stay in the kitchen and either play with their E.Z bake ovens or when they grow up just bake with real ovens! You sexist pig!"
"No, it's just that Filgaia has never launched a rocket before…" Jack replied.
"Oh." Jane blushed. "Well, how bout you? Did you always want to be an agent?"
"Yup. Ever since the old movies with 002 Jet Enduro, I wanted to be an agent. Blow stuff up and get the girls! Man, that sounded great. But in real life, it's a lot harder than it looks."
"You've never had a girl, have you?" Jane grinned.
"Well, I had Elmina, but she went all demon. But then she came back, but completely forgot about me, so it was a total bummer. So now I hit on her for sport, but she's not the same."
"Well, I had a thing for this blue haired kid a while back, but then we tried to blow up the world." Jane replied.
"Woah!" Gallows interrupted. "We're supposed to be cutting back on the references to 'From Baskar With Love', remember?" Gallows then raised an eyebrow. "Wait a minute, didn't both Dennis and Cecelia did in the first one?"
"SHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Magdalen, Jane, and Jack hissed.
"Right, don't explore plot holes." Gallows zipped his lip.
"Well I," Magdalen said. "I coulda been a contender."
"Looks like we're here!" Jack said, stopping his tracks. Before them lied the disastrous castle Pandemonium. Inside were the princess and the beast that had taken her. "We ready to do this!"
"Uhm!" The other three nodded.
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Pandemonium. A demonic castle if there ever existed one. It's halls were filled with black and white checkered floors, it's walls made of dark brick, its ceilings where designed to crush anything below. Gaps filled the hallways, full of bubbling magma and spouting fire at conveniently timed intervals. Fences of mesh wire hung from the roof and spun around. And walking the halls were shriekers, giant walking mushrooms.
"Oh no! Those shriekers are coming right for us at a rather slow pace!" Jack pointed out.
Yes, indeed the shriekers were just walking around in circles. Jane swallowed. "Let's do it!"
The four of them ran towards the shriekers, leaping over magma, timing themselves for the fire, clambering across mesh fences, and dodging crushing ceiling plates before coming to the group of three shriekers. Jane narrowed her brow. "Guys, I'm going for it!"
"My lady! No!" Magdalen tried to reach out for her, but it was too late. The young madam ran towards the mushroom and leaped to her full height. She was going to crush them or die trying. O.K, maybe not die. It proved to be a futile effort, as she couldn't get the air to do it. Fear came into her eyes as the shrieker touched her knee, causing her to shrink to a much shorter chibi version.
"Waa! I'm tiny!" Jane cried.
"Jane watch out!" Jack dove for her, pushing her out of the way as he too was touched by the shrieker, causing him to shrink as well. He was now chibi Jack! "You gotta watch out Jane! In this form we only have one hit or it's game over!"
"What are you talking about?" Jane gave him a dirty look.
"I don't seem to have any grow mushrooms on me…" Magdalen patted his bag, but before he could notice, a shrieker got a hold of him, turning him into chibi Magdalen. "Can no one stop these shriekers!"
"I guess it's up to me!" Gallows swallowed. "If I don't make it, we're done for!" Gallows then ran full tilt towards the shriekers. They hopped about, waiting to create a chibi Gallows. But it would not be this day, for today, we fight! RAAAAAA! Um, ahem, Gallows made a leap of faith, towering over the chibi friends and landing right on the shrieker. The mushroom poofed into nothing as Gallows grinned. "You're mine mother fugger!" Gallows then killed the remaining shriekers with his awesome jumping ability! W00t indeed Gallows, w00t indeed.
The chibi characters waddled up to the gargantuan Gallows. Jane tugged on his pants and pointed to a big red door. "The princess has got to be in there!" Aww, she's so kyute.
Gallows rubbed his nose with his thumb. "Right! Let's go!"
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Oddly enough, the red door led to the roof. Gallows and the chibis ran out to see the sky as black as pitch. A flying plant came down to the four, the princess inside.
"HELP! HELP!" Cecelia shouted, apparently not noticing Gallows and Jack as her former killers.
Rising from behind her was a giant purple-shelled reptile. It resembled a snapping turtle on two legs with giant crystals growing out of its shells. "Hahahaha! It is I, king Trask! You'll never get the princess!"
"You guys may want to stand back." Gallows told the chibis. They hesitantly nodded and turned back to the red door, peeking through the doors slit. Gallows turned to Trask in his flying helicopter plant thing. "You're going down!"
Trask laughed and threw out two rat monkeys. Gallows easily leaped on top of the rat monkeys, knocking them over. He then picked them up and threw them at the flying plant. This caused the plant to flash bright red.
"What the! Well then take this!" Trask tried to run over Gallows with his plant, but Gallows simply leaped over.
"Is that the best you can do!" Gallows asked.
"Have some of this!" Trask then through a whole slew of blue fireballs.
It took some work to dodge all of them, but Gallows managed to do just that.
"HELP! HELP!" Cecelia once again shouted. "Here, take this!" She tossed Gallows a feather.
Gallows grabbed the feather, instantly gaining a raccoon tail (!) and a yellow cape. He leaped into the air and began to fly. He flew right over Trask and then landed on his head. Trask flashed red and yellow, as he looked generally surprised. Gallows grabbed the girl and fell back to the rooftop as Trask's plant thing begun to spin out of control, crashing into the ground far below.
"Thanks, courageous plumber!" Cecelia then planted a kiss on Gallows cheek. The chibis then ran out onto the roof to celebrate. With Trask no longer around, the three poofed back to normal size.
"Well I'll just go on back to Adlyhyde now, thanks." Cecelia smiled and walked through the red door.
"Shouldn't we escort her back?" Magdalen asked.
"She'll be fine. Now let's go back to Baskar!" Gallows announced.
"NOT SO FAST!" A deep voice bellowed. The four looked up to the black sky. It couldn't be Trask. He was double dead. Then who?
"Those who wish to retrieve Christmas must deal with us!" Another voice growled. Forming from the night were two massive guardians. One resembled a black giant with enormous claws and spikes jutting from his shoulders. The other was the torso of a man, draped in a white robe. A pendulum with a guillotine attached to it swung from underneath and a bright golden mask was wear his head should be. His long cold hands came out from the sleeves.
"G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N!" Jack stepped back, ready to draw.
"These guys must be following us!" Gallows stated.
"Who are you! State your names!" Magdalen gritted his teeth.
"Whoever you are," Jane aimed her gun at them, "you are going down!"
The white robed giant was the first to speak. "I am Ge Ramtos, the guardian of death."
"And I am Duras Drum, the guardian of evil." The other guardian bowed. "Our powers are of the most destructive and cruel variety yet seen by mortal eyes."
"What do you want with Christmas! What's going on!" Gallows shouted.
"Christmas time is a time for being jolly and to spread good will towards all men," Duras Drum began. "Though my opinions do not reflect G.U.A.R.D.I.A.N's opinions or ambitions, as the guardian of evil, this time of year vexes me to the very core."
"And I don't necessarily like that Jesus fellow for returning from beyond the grave. That's my domain! He didn't ask for permission to come back!" Ge Ramtos said something ridiculously sacrilegious. "You humans should just give up and celebrate Kwanzaa or Ramadan."
"No way! Christmas is king and we need it back! For the children!" Jane stepped foreword.
"The only way we'll celebrate Kwanzaa is if you kill us!" Gallows raged. "We want Santa back!"
"You mortals wish to fight us?" Duras Drum seemed delighted. "You know that you will fail against the god of darkness!"
"Let us make this interesting." Ge Ramtos giggled. "If you do not defeat us within five minutes, we kill everyone in Baskar, including the princess Cecelia and actor Alan Thick!"
"Not actor Alan Thick!" Jack shook his head. "You two are insane!"
"Well he's the guardian of evil and I'm the guardian of death. Together we're a nasty group." Ge Ramtos shrugged. "Now, let us begin!" Ge Ramros did some sort of mantra with his hands and an enormous clock appeared over the moon.
"The countdown begins!" Duras Drum laughed as indeed the giant clock began to tick.
"My lady! What shall we do!" Magdalen glanced over to Jane.
"I'm thinking!" Jane swore.
"Take this!" Gallows fired his PP7 at Duras. The giant merely laughed. "Well that's not going to work. Damn their supernatural abilities!"
"Primitive Dark!" Duras Drum shouted. The world became engulfed in the chaotic dark that the universe spawned from. Somehow, this hurt our players.
The agents fell to the ground as primitive dark wore off. However, Ge Ramtos floated towards the castle. "Arcane X." The sounds of a turning clock were heard, and the moaning of a thousand anguished souls flowed from this portal as a river of the dead. The sky rained blood and lightning cackled across the sky in an insidious manner. Three spheres of dark energy encircled the party. Was this the end? Of course not! Auto Death spells never work! Ge Ramtos cursed his luck. Instead of using his awesome blood curdling abilities, he would just attack them using a giant scythe.
"Time's running out!" Jane yelled.
"What do we do!" Jack eagerly awaited an answer.
"There's nothing we can do." Magdalen looked to the floor.
"It looks as if we win." Duras Drum laughed. "Good bye Baskar."
Unexpectedly, Duras Drum was sent flying towards the ground. The humans all looked surprised as a giant mech hovered in the air. It was none other than Asgard01!
"Get off my property!" Came a very familiar female voice from inside the mech.
"Marivel!" Gallows blinked.
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Next time on L/I: Licensed by Idiots: The crew end up on an episode of Growing Pains with none other than actor Alan Thick! Can the group act to save their lives, or will Growing Pains become a real pain!
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It's now time for Lilka says! Lilka says: Asgard, Asgard, Asgard! How many Asgards are there? There's three silly! Asgard the earth golem from Wild ARMs, Asgard, Marivel giant mech, from Wild ARMs 2nd Ignition, and Asgard the super cool merc golem from Wold ARMS Advanced the 3rd! It's difficult having more than one Asgard around, because you never know which one your talking about!
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